“Let’s talk about your relationships. What’s already good, and what could be better?”

It has never occurred to me to ask a patient (or anybody, really) about their relationships this way. … How would that go, do we think? I feel like there’d be a pause… It might feel a little awkward? Maybe a bit invasive? Too personal and too broad at the same time? I think it could be potentially amazing.

As I ask myself now and am about to write, what happens feels akin to navel gazing from 10,000 feet. How do I show up in my relationships? How am I the exact same person everywhere, to everybody, all the time, and how do I also alter, mask, suppress, or overexaggerate? Why? How do I feel about any/all of it, and what does that tell me? How would others answer, people who know me primarily in one context and not others? What if they answered differently from how I expect? Oh, how fascinating!

What does the question set bring up for you, I’m so curious?

So, what’s already good about my relationships:
–I care a lot about the quality of my relationships and I cultivate them thoughtfully, with great attention, intention, and love, even when it’s hard.
–I hold my relationships strongly and loosely at the same time. Seneca said, “Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul.” I often don’t ponder long; I know quickly when I want to be friends with someone. And then I’m all in. Until I’m not, which happens sometimes. I can let go when it’s clear that holding on does not serve me or the other person. I’m also open to reconnecting later–life is unpredictable and relationships are fluid, so attuning to conditions and adjusting containers as it all flows and evolves is a practice in acceptance and flexibility, which I value. I think this serves me as well as those I’m in relationship with.
–I am a conscientious student of relationships; I let all of mine teach me and I learn from observing others. I think this makes me a better person overall.

What could be better:
–My relationship with my body. The cosmos moved me to watch “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” before writing this post today. HIGHLY RECOMMEND, especially for middle aged women like me who feel past their prime, physically attractive years. Emma Thompson is my hero for portraying her character with such rawness, honesty, and grace. I feel better about myself after watching this movie, and I think that will continue to improve.
–Revising old narratives. When I’ve known someone a long time or had particularly intense interactions with them, I tend to hold tightly to the stories I tell about them. I label them, then confirmation bias runs away with me in subsequent encounters, sometimes for many years. This is high risk for dysfunctional prejudice, both negative and positive. Mantras work well for me in general… I wonder what words I can pull on to remind me to reassess, revise, and amend, for all our sakes?

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So what’s already good about your relationships?

What’s good about how we all relate collectively?
—Tribes. Whoever and wherever your are, I hope you have at least a few groups in which you feel true belonging. Sports fandoms, book clubs, D&D campaigns, improv classes; work teams, professional societies, PTA, with your besties. We all function better when our connections with others are strong and tight. When these connections cause our tribes to uplift other tribes in turn, and not denigrate or oppress, even better.
—Potential—again. So interesting, how ideas resurface in each post so far this month. Psychology, anthropology, sociology, education, medicine, marriage, and just life in general–if you study and attend long and broadly enough, the core practices of good relationships in all domains start to distill and clarify. We may put forth different parts of ourselves and show up very differently in any given role or environment, and in the end we are all still human, with all the same social, emotional, and relational needs. It. Is. NOT. Rocket science! So no matter how bad it all gets and how poorly we do it today, we can always do it better tomorrow. Resources for learning abound.

What could be better?
–Navigating Polarity and Complexity. A primary pitfall of tribal membership and identity is us vs them thinking, orienting tribes in competition rather than collaboration, with one another. Differences are inevitable, and when manged well, they make us productive and constructive. Managed poorly, they incite war and destroy lives. We would do well to avoid oversimplified, overgeneralized, and judgmental expressions of out-groups voiced by the loudest and most extreme among our in-groups, and acquire both personal and collective communication skills that help bridge differences rather than escalate them.
–Leadership by Example. Government. Come on, folks. We, the citizenry, must expect, demand, and elect better. Those of us who know better, though, must also hold our local leaders to higher standards of relational behaviors and practices. Easier said than done, and in the long run, well worth the individual and collective effort.
–Masculine and Feminine Integration. This just occurs to me tonight as Daughter and I watched again the Cinema Therapy episode on toxic, or ‘limiting’ masculinity, contrasted by Aragorn of The Lord of the Rings movies. I’m not referring here to women’s liberation and militant feminism. I’m thinking of moving our culture to a place where assertiveness and courage in women, as well as tenderness and vulnerability in men, among other complex qualities in each, are equally valued, cultivated, and upheld. We can move from an us vs them, either/or, this not that, to an all and, ‘we each contain multitudes’ cultural gender mindset. When we are all allowed and encouraged to be our whole emotional and psychological selves, our relationships will be un(currently)fathomably more meaningful and fulfilling.

Ooo, fun. This concludes posts on the 5 reciprocal domains of health, asking what’s already good and what could be better, for myself personally and for all of us collectively. Turns out this appreciative inquiry, strengths based prompt structure really does both helpfully constrain and free my writing, at least so far. I’ve been talking about these five domains for many years, and never quite in this way. How eye opening. I hope you’re enjoying the posts so far, friends! I really look forward to the rest of the month!