This Is How We Do It

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Thank you, Arthur Brooks, for giving us the manual that could save us.

Last night I traveled to northwest Indiana to cook and talk politics at my Red voting friends’ home. When we made the date I did not realize it would be just after Chinese New Year, though we agreed to make potstickers. My friends had bought a bowl full of Asian fruit to celebrate and we exchanged perspectives and opinions for six hours straight. I felt mildly nervous for days beforehand, but as soon as we got to chopping, wrapping, and talking, all anxiety fell away.

There was a lot of listening, questioning, explaining, and storytelling. It was all loving and connecting. I hope we continue to meet, cook, talk, and commune.

I had listened to Love Your Enemies this week and ordered the paperback to annotate; but I got the large print by accident. So I brought it to my friends’ house and offered it to them, which they enthusiastically accepted. I hope we can talk about its principles together soon, share the book with everybody we know, and maybe even expand our conversations to include others.

My hardcover arrived yesterday and I’m about 65% through reading and marking it up (it goes much faster after having listened). I hope to return here with highlights after today, but in case I don’t, here are four rules toward the end that would make everything better in all relationships and conversations, if we followed them regularly:

  1. Cultivate relationships “based on willing the good of the other and a shared sense of what is virtuous and true.” These are the friendships of honest caring and in which you do not fear disagreement. You each genuinely want to know why the other thinks or feels differently about something, that curiosity is founded in love, and you disagree respectfully.
  2. “Do not attack or insult. Don’t even try to win… The point of disagreement–if disagreement is to make us better and draw us together [which is Brooks’s premise in the book and I agree]–is never winning. It certainly isn’t to attack someone else. It is to enrich the discussion, test out your point of view in a respectful way, and persuade someone you care about.” Shaming, one-upping, jeering, name-calling and the like do no good. Please stop.
  3. “Never assume the motives of another person… To be sure, some people do harbor bad motives… But it is not reasonable to argue that malevolence and hatred are the animating fources behind the beliefs of the vast majority of Americans today. Worse than being just unfair, such a belief is too often based in rank ignorance… The truth is that highly partisan conservatives and liberals are shockingly clueless about the other side–about their motives and everything else. How many times have you heard a conservative pundit say that Democrats want to keep poor people dependent on the government to keep them voting Democratic? Or a liberal pundit say that Republican tax policies are all about helping Republicans’ wealthy friends?” The point is, individuals’ motives are complex and diverse within any given group, and they are often not nearly as nefarious or divergent from ours as the loudest and most extreme among us may scream.
  4. “Use your values as a gift, not as a weapon.” Examples: Someone who is pro-life calling someone who is pro-choice a baby killer, or someone in favor of gun control saying that NRA supporters care more about guns than children. “Values are supposed to be positive. Even if people disagree with them they aren’t supposed to harm others. It’s impossible to maintain the moral content of our values and use them as a weapon at the same time.”

I posted the following to my Instagram and Facebook accounts this week, and I extend the invitation to readers of this blog. We have work to do, my friends. The only way out is through. The best way through is together. I hope you will join me.

“Ok friends.

“I am filled with hope tonight. 🥰🙏🏼🥰
More and more people I know are inspired (or agitated) to do bridging work, and their skills, experiences, and perspectives are all so instructive, regardless of their politics.

“Looking through (Arthur Brooks)’s library in anticipation of his upcoming book, I found Love Your Enemies: How decent people can save America from the culture of contempt. Written in 2019, it is a cogent and humbling dissection of the state of our complex union to that point, and strikes remarkably prescient for our current toxic morass—culture of contempt on steroids!

I’m only about 35% through and it’s already both shifting and deepening my understanding of and approach to connecting across relational differences of *all* kinds. I have already ordered my print copy and I will mark it up with JOYFUL ENTHUSIASM!

“My friends, this is our moment.
“‘What can I do, I’m just one person?’ said seven billion people.”

“I want to share this book and this work with any of you who sense any inkling, any spark or movement of hope that you could participate, even in the smallest way. Because even if only seven of us start, our energy will ripple out. We *can* make a difference!

“So I have an offer/invitation:
I will gift this book, in the format of your choice, to you, my friends.
I have two conditions:
1. I know you in real life (online counts if we have interacted meaningfully and would meet in person if we were in the same city).
2. You agree to engage in one bridging conversation before July 4, with me or someone important in your life, as an earnest attempt at this work.

“My intent is to walk with, support, encourage, and hold you accountable on this important journey as we all learn, practice, and train together. If you commit to talking to someone else, I offer two thirty minute calls, one for coaching in advance, and one to debrief afterward.

“Comment here (I reserve the right to delete ad hominem etc) or DM me. Ask me questions. Share with our mutual friends.
My tank is full right now and my engines rev.
Let’s get to work! 👊🏼💪🏼👏🏼”

Power and Grace: Year of the Fire Horse

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Image from The Sunday Guardian

The Lunar Year of the Fire Horse arrives this Tuesday, February 17.
Happy New Year, my friends.

I’ve thought about this post for a couple weeks now, reflecting on power and grace, two attributes of horses that I admire and wish to manifest in 2026 and beyond.

Power
Brené Brown and others distinguish between power to and power over. We all have power to–to act, influence, resist, etc.–to various degrees in certain contexts. But not everybody has power over, and right now in the US we witness our government exercising its power over people and systems in brutal and unconscionable ways. Consider those in authority who have exercised power over you–parents, teachers, bosses, administrators, police–we know when they wield their power abusively. It is an intuitive and visceral knowing, whether we admit it or not.

So as concerned members of society, called to stand up for our fellow humans getting traumatized on a daily basis, where does our power to lie, as individuals, groups, and communities? Peaceful protest is one. Also “grassroots guerilla support systems”, as novelist and poet JP Greene calls them. He writes further in last week’s newsletter, Stomaching the American Lie, “It looks like local butcher shops feeding people for free when SNAP benefits get cut. It looks like neighbors getting to know neighbors and community gardens and mutual aid networks and communities that guard and teach and raise up their children collectively.” Where could it lie that we haven’t noticed?

No one will be surprised when I submit that our power to also lies in connection across difference. The polarization we witness that stems from the most extreme voices on any topic feels insurmountable. Those of us on either side who recognize the nuggets of truth among our opposition’s positions may feel powerless to change the prevailing narrative on our own side that demonizes and dehumanizes the other–a narrative that benefits nobody. To dissent feels like an exercise in futility.

Connecting across difference and finding the ‘you have a point’ moments feels like giving power away, no? But concensus, however small, builds power and momentum to move and merge attitudes and then policy meaningfully. It requires patience, humility, openness, empathy, and honesty. How many of us view these traits as strong, as conferring power to those who wield them? If we think in terms of power over, then humility and empathy can feel weak. But if we wish to engage and challenge civilly, to explore, invite, and nudge people to loosen their strongly held biases and rigid positions, to change the narrative on both sides from ‘vanquish the enemy’ to ‘get to work and solve problems for real now’, then humility, patience, empathy, honesty, and integrity may be the most powerful skills we can call forth. These are the heaviest tools of power to when it comes to effecting consequential human change.

Grace
Few animals evoke a sense of gracefulness more than horses. Their anatomy and movements are a wonder to behold. How can we emulate this essence in our own being, in service to one another?
What does it mean to be graceful, and to ‘give others grace’?
What does this grace feel like in our bodies?

Consider elite ballet dancers and master diplomats, arguably the most physically and verbally graceful among us. How do they train? What traits do they present? Commitment. Discipline. Consistency. Perseverance. Core stability and strength, flexibility, and agility. Mental, physical, and relational resilience. Graceful people exude groundedness and focus. Their nervous systems are both regulated and responsive, alert and attuned, yet slow to agitation and impulsivity. Their energy de-escalates those around them. They exemplify ‘strong back, soft front‘. They move with fluidity and make it look easy, and we want to follow. To exert influence with such minimal apparent effort, to possess such efficiency of energy for impact–that is grace.

Power and grace are analogous to strong back, soft front, which is how I wish to live. Unassailable principles and core values rooted in honesty and integrity, presenting as openness and invitation to connection and relationship. The latter entails vulnerability, which requires courage, which is a form of strength and power. These qualities all intersect and mutually amplify in a personal ethical ecosystem that thrives on the exponential synergy of human connection. How inspiring!

How do we choose to move forward this Fire Horse Year, in our own lives and as a collective? Besides power and grace, what other energies do you wish to exude?
How will living this way benefit you and those around you?
When we look back at the dawn of the Fire Goat Year in 2027, how will we say we have lived?

Who Keeps the Ethos?

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What is the core ethos of the people you follow?
Why do you follow them?
What do they validate for you?
What do they criticize that validates you?
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
How do you monitor for this?
How do you reconcile it?
I ask this of myself and all of us.

How does this all influence how we show up in the world–the good and the harm that we do?
How intentional is our presence, are our words and in/actions?
What is our impact?

Who keeps the collective ethos in any group?
“It’s the leaders, stupid,” my snarky and cynical mind says.

Government? Yes. At all levels.
Law enforcement.
Medical professionals.
Business leaders (sadly, I have to say, in many, many cases).
Teachers.
Parents! Thought leaders from Confucious to Simon Sinek liken public leadership to parenting.
Friends. Peers.
Customer service representatives and call center agents.

It’s everybody! Anyone who makes regular contact with fellow humans has a hand on the wheel of or shared life bus. We all keep our collective ethos of culture and attitude, of what we accept, dismiss, and tolerate, know it, like it, want it or not.

This is what it means to lead from ANY CHAIR, and it’s more important now than ever that we each step up and own our part in everything that happens around us. Stop with the platitudes, the rote responses in answer to any question, the oversimplified, blaming, shaming, judging, and tribalist rhetoric that shuts down civil discourse or worse, escalates conflict and division.

What we say matters. What we do, how we show up, how we make others feel, how we manage ourselves, our emotions and reactions–we are all called now to be better.

It all matters.

So please breathe more deeply, regulate yourself, and be more aware, intentional, and responsible for yourself and your impact on the world.

Get help for your feelings if you need it, from people and practices that soothe your nervous system and make you better for the next human you meet and the rest of us after that.

Find connecting and constructive rather than dividing and destructive avenues to express and advance your values. Try harder to see the validity of others’ values and how they prioritize them.

Practice empathy and generosity. Look for role models, see how they do it, then query and emulate them.

BE the change that moves us toward de-escalation, connection, and shared humanity.

I’ll answer my own questions here. How will you answer for yourself?

What is the core ethos of the people I follow?
RELATIONSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS. We are all connected and are responsible for one another’s well-being, one way or another. When everything we do stems from this fundamental truth, we act more humbly, respectfully, and effectively. Simon Sinek. Brené Brown. Braver Angels. Builders. Benjamin Zander. Richard Rohr. Fr. James Martin. Barack and Michelle Obama.
When we come together, we can do anything.
Why do I follow them?
Because they give me courage. They show me evidence that this ethos of ours is valid, necessary, and valuable, despite all those telling me it’s pointless and a waste of energy, that you can’t change people, that ‘the others’ are hopeless and unworthy of my time or attention. The people I follow demonstrate openness, curiosity, humility, kindness, and a willingness to have their own minds changed. They own their faults and failings out loud and visibly. They lead by example of integrity and inspire me to do the same.
What do they validate for me? See above.
What do they criticize that validates me?
Oversimplification. Dehumanization. Closed mindedness. Inflexibility and denial of valid perspectives other than my own. Their criticisms also apply to themselves, and so force me to apply to myself all the standards to which I hold others. They criticise self-aggrandizement and shaming, ad hominem and counterproductive speech and rhetoric.
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
This is a hard one. We never want to see our heroes as doing harm. Thinking of myself and my own words and actions and then comparing to my chosen leaders, I can find times when we have all been more closed minded than we preach. More judgmental and rigid, forceful and non-inclusive. We are human, after all, perfectly imperfect. So the harm we do may be to turn others off from our ethos when they see us not walking the talk–to disconnect rather than connect.
And every virtue has its shadow. Hyperfixation on a single point or practice of any ethos may risk excluding adjacent but different practices, leaving little room for nuance and flexibility, adjustments for context and circumstances. Whenever we overindex on a core value and lose sight of potential conflicts and competing interests, we may harm relationships through lack of understanding, poor empathy, and estrangement, which is the opposite of our core ethos.
How do you monitor for this?
I ask around. My inner circle keeps me honest and in my integrity. I connect regularly with those I trust, who hold differing opinions and values prioritized differently, whether they feel seen, heard, and understood by me. I listen for harm they experience from ‘my side’.
How do you reconcile it?
I remember that we are all human, and passion makes us act impulsively. We are, at our core,IRrational, highly emotional creatures, still evolutionarily driven for survival, and survival for prey animals hinges on belonging. This means inclusion, safety, shared identity, and protection or even aggression against threats from ‘others,’ especially those perceived (often sub/unconcsiously) as predators. I look for fear and the sources of fear at the bottom of that aggression, and try to muster empathy for that. And then when I see someone I follow consistently causing harm, I stop following.

We are all called. Let us answer together. It’s easier and better that way.