What is the core ethos of the people you follow? Why do you follow them? What do they validate for you? What do they criticize that validates you? What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others? How do you monitor for this? How do you reconcile it? I ask this of myself and all of us.
How does this all influence how we show up in the world–the good and the harm that we do? How intentional is our presence, are our words and in/actions? What is our impact?
Who keeps the collective ethos in any group? “It’s the leaders, stupid,” my snarky and cynical mind says.
Government? Yes. At all levels. Law enforcement. Medical professionals. Business leaders (sadly, I have to say, in many, many cases). Teachers. Parents! Thought leaders from Confucious to Simon Sinek liken public leadership to parenting. Friends. Peers. Customer service representatives and call center agents.
It’s everybody! Anyone who makes regular contact with fellow humans has a hand on the wheel of or shared life bus. We all keep our collective ethos of culture and attitude, of what we accept, dismiss, and tolerate, know it, like it, want it or not.
This is what it means to lead from ANY CHAIR, and it’s more important now than ever that we each step up and own our part in everything that happens around us. Stop with the platitudes, the rote responses in answer to any question, the oversimplified, blaming, shaming, judging, and tribalist rhetoric that shuts down civil discourse or worse, escalates conflict and division.
What we say matters. What we do, how we show up, how we make others feel, how we manage ourselves, our emotions and reactions–we are all called now to be better.
It all matters.
So please breathe more deeply, regulate yourself, and be more aware, intentional, and responsible for yourself and your impact on the world.
Get help for your feelings if you need it, from people and practices that soothe your nervous system and make you better for the next human you meet and the rest of us after that.
Find connecting and constructive rather than dividing and destructive avenues to express and advance your values. Try harder to see the validity of others’ values and how they prioritize them.
Practice empathy and generosity. Look for role models, see how they do it, then query and emulate them.
BE the change that moves us toward de-escalation, connection, and shared humanity.
I’ll answer my own questions here. How will you answer for yourself?
What is the core ethos of the people I follow? RELATIONSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS. We are all connected and are responsible for one another’s well-being, one way or another. When everything we do stems from this fundamental truth, we act more humbly, respectfully, and effectively. Simon Sinek. Brené Brown. Braver Angels. Builders. Benjamin Zander. Richard Rohr. Fr. James Martin. Barack and Michelle Obama. When we come together, we can do anything. Why do I follow them? Because they give me courage. They show me evidence that this ethos of ours is valid, necessary, and valuable, despite all those telling me it’s pointless and a waste of energy, that you can’t change people, that ‘the others’ are hopeless and unworthy of my time or attention. The people I follow demonstrate openness, curiosity, humility, kindness, and a willingness to have their own minds changed. They own their faults and failings out loud and visibly. They lead by example of integrity and inspire me to do the same. What do they validate for me? See above. What do they criticize that validates me? Oversimplification. Dehumanization. Closed mindedness. Inflexibility and denial of valid perspectives other than my own. Their criticisms also apply to themselves, and so force me to apply to myself all the standards to which I hold others. They criticise self-aggrandizement and shaming, ad hominem and counterproductive speech and rhetoric. What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others? This is a hard one. We never want to see our heroes as doing harm. Thinking of myself and my own words and actions and then comparing to my chosen leaders, I can find times when we have all been more closed minded than we preach. More judgmental and rigid, forceful and non-inclusive. We are human, after all, perfectly imperfect. So the harm we do may be to turn others off from our ethos when they see us not walking the talk–to disconnect rather than connect. And every virtue has its shadow. Hyperfixation on a single point or practice of any ethos may risk excluding adjacent but different practices, leaving little room for nuance and flexibility, adjustments for context and circumstances. Whenever we overindex on a core value and lose sight of potential conflicts and competing interests, we may harm relationships through lack of understanding, poor empathy, and estrangement, which is the opposite of our core ethos. How do you monitor for this? I ask around. My inner circle keeps me honest and in my integrity. I connect regularly with those I trust, who hold differing opinions and values prioritized differently, whether they feel seen, heard, and understood by me. I listen for harm they experience from ‘my side’. How do you reconcile it? I remember that we are all human, and passion makes us act impulsively. We are, at our core,IRrational, highly emotional creatures, still evolutionarily driven for survival, and survival for prey animals hinges on belonging. This means inclusion, safety, shared identity, and protection or even aggression against threats from ‘others,’ especially those perceived (often sub/unconcsiously) as predators. I look for fear and the sources of fear at the bottom of that aggression, and try to muster empathy for that. And then when I see someone I follow consistently causing harm, I stop following.
We are all called. Let us answer together. It’s easier and better that way.
Anybody else feeling deeply conflicted and fatigued right now?
It’s getting late and I still have to prepare for the workweek ahead. Lots of exciting movement and connection on the Book front, and so many ideas for future posts on the Crowns Trilogy (binged books two and three again last weekend) and Heart of Champions, a movie Son and I eagerly watched together that speaks to everything I espouse about teamwork. So much to dissect about humanity and leadership–which all applies to what’s going on in our country right now. Awesome–I will dig in soon! But for now I’m just tired and overwhelmed.
Please find below an update from last week’s post and a compilation of what agitates me and gives me hope (mostly the latter).
I will try to muster something more coherent and thoughtful next week, friends. ODOMOBaaT.
Friend J, my staunchly conservative high school classmate, and I spoke on the phone for 90 minutes on Tuesday. We agreed more than we disagreed, though our disagreements loom heavily on my consciousness. I always feel connected and reassured after my calls with Red voting friends. But disappointment and frustration inevitably set in later when I realize they seem wholly unmoved by my thoughtful, well-reasoned, and well-articulated arguments. HA! I suspect they may feel the same… or maybe they feel sorry for me, or dismiss my concerns as delusional and irrelevant. I wonder if they fear I do the same to them? Somehow I doubt it, though I know people on both sides who do this, which shoots us all in the collective civil discourse foot. I realize as I write this, how I truly may not understand and cannot relate to a conservative ethos. Or rather, I can understand it intellectually but cannot relate limbically, where it counts. Regardless, I’m grateful for my conservative friends who are still willing to connect. Three more actively reached out to me this week and I have two dates on the books this month, one that will involve cooking together, which I especially look forward to.
Thank you to all who provided feedback on last week’s post, including comments here, texts, emails, or replies on social media. I had not expected such an energetic response, and it means so much to me to receive such earnest engagement. I hope we may all continue the important, uncomfortable, and grappling conversations, in service of connection and de-escalation.
Federal immigration and border patrol abductions cause active, direct, and mortal harm to people. The lack of due process prevents any kind of record or recourse for their medical care, the morbidity and mortality of which boggles the mind. That our federal government is the original perpetrator of such traumatic pain and suffering to so many, regardless of immigration status, is beyond egregious. Racial profiling resulting in violently forceful detainment, separating parents from their terrified and then unattended children, rightly causes people of color (because this isn’t happening to white people), regardless of immigration or citizen status, to avoid leaving their homes, forgoing necessary medical care (eg labor and delivery, wound care, cancer care). It’s sickening and makes me rage. Hear from a veteran physician in Minnesota as she lists case after case:
It’s about our shared humanity, my friends. I wrote to my libertarian friend tonight, “The more I perceive this administration actively, directly, and mortally harming people with less and less accountability, the harder it is to accept anyone’s argument for having voted for it. The direct human costs (as I and so many perceive them) for whatever broader economic or ideological gains is just too high and unacceptable.” ICE and border patrol treat people ‘way worse than any other law enforcement agents; they follow no standards for respecting people’s rights, human or otherwise, and act with impunity and violence. The officers who shot Alex Pretti continued to work for days afterward, moved elsewhere ‘for their safety’–as if they were not a danger to anyone based on their shooting of an unarmed man. Even now it’s unclear what kind of investigation will take place, and whether it will be objective or trustworthy in any meaningful way. Does any legitimate law enforcement agency operate with this profound lack of oversight and accountability?
My heart rate, blood pressure and nausea rise even as I write this. ODOMOBaaT.
Senate vote on 6-bill package for government funding, 1-29-2026, from Instagram
What Gives Me Hope
From Politico, January 29, 2026: “Eight Republicans joined every Senate Democrat to block sweeping government funding legislation from advancing Thursday amid ongoing negotiations around a potential offramp to avert a lengthy shutdown of several agencies. The Senate voted 55-45 against moving forward with a six-bill package that would fund, among other things, the departments of Homeland Security, State and Health and Human Services, as well as the Pentagon.”
From Justice Patrick Schiltz, Chief Judge of the District Court of Minnesota, a Bush appointee and former clerk for the late Antonin Scalia, in an order filed January 28, 2026: “…That does not end the Court’s concerns, however. Attached to this order is an appendix that identifies 96 court orders that ICE has violated in 74 cases. The extent of ICE’s noncompliance is almost certainly substantially understated. This list is confined to orders issued since January 1, 2026, and the list was hurriedly compiled by extraordinarily busy judges. Undoubtedly, mistakes were made, and orders that should have appeared on this list were omitted. This list should give pause to anyone—no matter his or her political beliefs—who cares about the rule of law. ICE has likely violated more court orders in January 2026 than some federal agencies have violated in their entire existence. The Court warns ICE that future noncompliance with court orders may result in future show‐cause orders requiring the personal appearances of Lyons or other government officials. ICE is not a law unto itself. ICE has every right to challenge the orders of this Court, but, like any litigant, ICE must follow those orders unless and until they are overturned or vacated.” [boldface added by me–cc]
Braver Angels and the Builders Movement:
Braver Angels will host “a National Webinar on America’s Deportation Policythis Friday, February 6th, from 8:00 – 9:30 pm ET. We will both be panelists—along with Congressman Brian Fitzpatrick (R-PA), Congressman Tom Suozzi (D-NY), Gaby Pacheco, Peter Skerry, David Izquierdo, and Jorge Pineda. We will get into all the issues involved, and most importantly, we’ll explore how America climbs down from this scary confrontation and get to what we need as a nation: cooperation!” I am registered to attend. I hope to see some of you there.
Take the time to read and watch this collaborative Facebook post from Builders with Helene Biandudi Hofer, journalist and co-founder of The Good Conflict with journalist and author of High ConflictAmanda Ripley (I highly recommend this well-researched, well-written, and practical book): “Why Republicans backed a Democrat in this small town… In a town where red dominates and Democrats rarely run, respected Republicans supported a Democratic candidate. Leadership had stalled, decisions were made on autopilot, and the town seemed to be coasting instead of planning for the future. Joe Lamanna ran on showing up—joining boards, serving as chair, and engaging with neighbors. He focused on the work, the people, and the community, not the left-right divide. Some criticized him; others recognized his competence and dedication. He didn’t win, but the results were striking: nearly half the vote and far better performance than previous Democratic candidates. Beyond the numbers, the campaign sparked conversations and connections that had been dormant for years. Neighbors started talking, sharing ideas, and reconsidering assumptions. It’s a reminder that local politics doesn’t have to mirror national division. Change starts with participation—showing up, asking questions, and engaging with your community. Even small actions can shift the conversation and open space for progress.” Here is the Instagram link if you don’t use Facebook.
“A “recent CBS poll found 59% support deporting people who are in the U.S. illegally, but only 37% approve of how deportations are being handled.
That tells us something important: People want enforcement AND accountability. So here’s a question for you If enforcement is going to happen, should it follow the same basic rules we expect of any law enforcement agency? Here are some nonpartisan, practical reforms many Americans across parties are talking about. Do you agree or disagree?
1. No anonymous agents Require visible identification for ICE officers. No masks. No mystery. If someone has government authority, the public should know who they are.
2. Independent investigations after deaths or serious injuries Federal agencies shouldn’t investigate themselves. Independent oversight builds trust, especially after fatal encounters like the recent shooting in Minneapolis.
3. Clear limits on where enforcement can happen Prohibit enforcement actions at vulnerable places like hospitals, schools, and churches. Public safety shouldn’t mean people are afraid to seek medical care or send their kids to school.
4. Homes require a real warrant ICE should only enter homes with a judicial warrant signed by a judge—not administrative paperwork. That’s a basic Fourth Amendment principle, not a radical idea.
5. Body cameras for every enforcement action Mandate body cams across the board, just like many local police departments. Body cams protect civilians from abuse and officers from false claims. Accountability cuts both ways.
What would you add? What would you change?
Reply. Disagree. Improve it.” [boldface added by me–cc]
From The New York Times, today: “For one constituency, Mr. Pretti’s death did more than grant permission to criticize. It confirmed a long-held fear. For decades, the conservative case for the Second Amendment has rested largely on the premise that an armed citizenry is the last defense against government tyranny. N.R.A. fund-raising letters once warned of “jackbooted government thugs.” The language was apocalyptic, the scenario hypothetical. Minneapolis made it real. Masked federal agents killed a legal gun owner who had never drawn his weapon. Gun rights groups pushed back. Gun Owners of America posted on social media: “Peaceful protests while armed isn’t radical — it’s American. [The First and Second Amendments protect those rights, and they always have.] GOA will hold any administration accountable.” [bracketed text added from original post by me–cc]
To my Red voting friends: I don’t need you to relinquish your conservative ideals. We need both conservative and progressive perspectives intact and healthy for productive debate and earnest policy negotiation.
But we are well beyond the conservative vs progressive debate here.
This is about the government hunting and abusing people without any due process or accountability.
The only way this gets better is if we all call forth our shared humanity and rise together to stop it.
“Hope has two daughters, anger and courage: Anger with the way things are, and courage to change them for the better.” –apocryphal quote (often attributed to St. Augustine)
Alex Pretti and Renee Nicole Goode have both died at the hands of ICE officers this month. There are too many other reports of abusive, unlawful, and inhumane ICE acts to list here. I have spent the better part of the last 30 hours thinking about my Red voting friends. Is this what you voted for? (How) Are you okay with this? What are you even seeing (and not)? Are you willing to consider that ICE agents are acting unlawfully? That the DHS and current federal administration are lying about these and other events? DHS states there will be no investigation into Goode’s shooting. Rather, they launched a query into her partner. Minnesota state officials are barred by federal entities from conducting their own investigations. A court order was obtained by state officials to prevent the federal government from tampering with evidence at the scene of Pretti’s shooting.
More questions to my Red voting friends: Where is the line? What ideals that prompted your vote justify this level of impunity and lack of accountability by federal agents, that costs people their lives? How many lives of wrongly detained, legal immigrants are you willing to disrupt and traumatize, or end, to apprehend the criminal ones? Or do you care? Or do you deny that this even happens? What has to happen before you consider the current administration’s actions untenable, or at least in need of reform?
I had a strong impulse this weekend to give up on political dialogue. That’s a big deal. How can I connect with anybody who could condone these actions? I feel more hopeless today than I have in a very long time. I worry for my own safety and that of my children, with our Asian faces walking around in big cities. I start to understand why and how regular citizens silence ourselves despite our desire to rise up and resist. If I had no children, would I be more brave? What would I be (am I) willing to sacrifice to stand up to tyranny in my own neighborhood?
My core values of openness, curiosity, empathy, compassion, and relationship are severely tested today. I see myself as an agent of connection, a ‘boundary spanner,’ a mediator between groups, and joyfully so. I can almost always find something in common, a shared value or goal, with anyone I meet. Every new person is a potential friend, no matter their background. But when I see flagrant, unmitigated, violent dehumanization by federal agents on people going about their daily lives (I will never forget images of moms dragged out of their vehicles in school pick up lines in Chicago, leaving their children traumatized and unattended), and I hear you justifying, or worse denying it (actually, which is worse?), I question whether I can really find common ground with you.
As I wrote Chinese New Year greetings to friends today, my angst inevitably spilled onto the cards. How lucky to have friends I trust to hold space for my distress, even as I wish them prosperity and health this Fire Horse year. They understand that writing helps me process, and maybe the transitions I make on the page help them, too? ” *sigh* Anyway — This year I intend to output that much more love and tighten connections more — find even more ways to amplify unity energy… All while I protect my own sanity and strength… We stand TOGETHER! It’s the best way through, which is the only way out. All of our best leadership skills are CALLED FORTH. We are TESTED. And so we SHOW UP! OH YEAH, DIY PEP TALK. BRING IT.” –Written to a LOH cohortmate today.
I feel angry at what the federal government is doing to people in the name of immigration control. I am disgusted by the utter lack of accountability demonstrated in myriad acts of state sanctioned violent force against unarmed people. I seethe at the state of our politics and the utter impotence of elected officials to act like adults and negotiate policy respectfully, honestly, and in good faith. I seek outlets for the anger, modes through which to transform this energy into something constructive rather than corrosive. I read today that bell hooks once asked Thich Nhat Hanh about anger, and he told her to use it as ‘compost’. Brilliant. Kind of reminds me of my Sh*tpile post back in 2015.
So how will my courage emerge and manifest? What am I willing to risk to stand up for my values? I do not live or work where ICE operates in Chicago. My job and activities keep me secluded from areas of conflict. I don’t like crowds or protests. Is it courageous to continue seeking connection with my Red voting friends and acquaintances? Because that is what I feel called to do, even/especially when it’s hard. I don’t see many people doing it, and I’d rate my skills at about a 6/10, maybe 7, depending on how I define my goals in any given conversation. Mostly I aim to foster mutual understanding. Usually l walk away feeling that I understand, and not sure that I’m understood. I wish my conversation partners would ask me as many open ended questions as I ask them. The only way to facilitate this is to continue connecting.
Message to Red voting friend yesterday: “____, would you be interested in another call soon?” Five minutes later the reply: “yes I would” 18 hours later, we have a date and time set.
Tested and Called. Anger and Courage. Openness, Curiosity, Empathy, Compassion, and Relationship. It’s all still worth working for, practicing, training, and leading. ODOMOBaaT.
Please find below examples of courage and leadership that held me up this weekend. Many thanks to friends Sharon and Troy who shared them with me.
If enforcement is 
Healing Through Connection 