Love Is Love

Something Extraordinary, Alexis Hall

Happy Pride Month, friends!

Sharing tonight my review of Something Extraordinary by Alexis Hall, because once again I sit both enthralled and hung over, re-listening to (reliving!) my favorite passages while marking up the hastily obtained print copy, playing or quoting lines to Daughter because I just cannot help myself, I love it so much.

Posted to Audible:
“Wild, hilarious, heartwarming ride of love in all its forms!
“Love is love and it SAVES US. Human connection in any context, often despite our most counter-connecting behaviors, is so much more possible than we think! Not with everybody, but with far more folks than we assume, if we only keep our hearts open and vulnerable enough to risk it. That is what this book reminds me.
I cannot count the number of times I went from brow-furrowingly sad empathy to laughing out loud to clipping a passage for further philosophical consideration, all in the space of a few minutes. Have already quoted, described, and recommended this story to anyone who crossed my path this week.
Ell Potter and Steve West perform all of the characters with distinction and grace, and their voices for the supporting characters even match, making the listening experience that much more delightful. I forwent sleep and life tasks for this audiobook, for the integrated marvel of this story brought forth by the author and voice actors. God bless ‘em.”

Shared on Instagram to both Shaneiaks and my personal account

This is the third book of Hall’s Something Fabulous series. I listened to a long preview of Book One, Something Fabulous, which I did not go on to finish, and I only read the overview of Book Two, Something Spectacular. I think they are not meant to be standalone novels, but I did not feel lost in the least picking up the series at the end. The main characters’ personalities and relationship are clearly established in advance, yet develop and deepen meaningfully throughout this story.

As in Never After, Hall explores sexuality and the social norms that constrain it with depth, compassion, and stark honesty about our capacity for both generous, loving acceptance and rigid, shaming rejection of our fellow humans. The characters’ clever banter, as well as their touching dialogues, both inner and exchanged, bring reader/listener to a much deeper level of empathy and tender, gentle human awareness than most romances I come across. The writing is both subtle and blatant in turn, and lyrical as ever (see below for some choice exerpts).

Human relationships are messy and complex in any context. Holding, honoring, and then navigating the consequences of natural yet unconventional preferences and desires in the face of punishing social pressures is something many of us may not live first hand. Hall’s books generously, humorously, and lovingly provide us with a window into that experience, inviting us all to open our minds and hearts to our shared humanity no matter who we are and how we identify. The story reads deliciously long and languid, topsy turvy, hilarious and tearful, and leaves us wishing all our fellow humans to find love that provides safety, uplift, and peace. Witty, sparkling dialogue and an utterly whimsical plot hooked and enchanted me throughout. But the deeply humane, gentle yet assertive explorations of love, faith, world view, and reconciliation will keep me reflecting and seeking conversation with friends for weeks to come.

Please find my favorite quotes below, and beware the possiblitity of spoilers. I will enjoy these sections for a while yet, and dive deeper yet into Alexis Hall’s other worlds. I bet you’ll see more of their work shared here shortly.
Wishing all a lovely week ahead!

Audible review: 5 stars overall and for performance and story

“…He had wanted from her what he always wanted… what he had spent so many years hopelessly seeking in the bodies of strangers.
“Once upon a time, he would have called it love and asked no questions. But the word seemed bigger and smaller than he remembered–differently shaped and less perfectly fitting. No wonder, then, he thought ruefully, that he had been unable to find what he was looking for, if he hadn’t understood what it was. Perhaps that was why he’d always clung to those who did not want him–willing to do almost anything to ensure they didn’t become someone else who wouldn’t stay–when he should have paid more attention to those he’d let go.”

“There was something strange happening to Rufus’s heart. He normally conceived it as hard and gnarled, like a peach pit. Now it was as soft as the peach itself. ‘I… I’m flattered, Bellflower. I do not think anyone has ever felt jealous over me in my entire life.'”

[Belle] “…’If it is not acceptable for ladies to be coerced into sexual encounters, then it should not be acceptable for gentelmen, either.’
[Sir Horley/Rufus] “‘I don’t mind.’
“‘Don’t overwhelm me with your ardour or anything,’ muttered the highwaryman.
“Rufus glanced at him. ‘I’m sorry. Take me now, you scurrilous devil. Is that better?’
“‘A bit. But could you put more feeling into it?’

“… Strange how quickly you could grow accustomed to things. Even relatively inconsequential ones like sharing space. One would have thought, after long days in a carriage with Belle, he would want distance, not increased closeness. But she had awoken some brutal, terrifying hunger in him, and now he missed the certainty of her body tucked behind him…He missed being held… The cold feet she would plunge mercilessly between his knees as though she had the absolute right to his body heat.
“Since Belle had been shot, he had been clinging to anger like driftwood… until all that remained was fear.
“Particularly useless fear, even by the standards of that specific emotion, because it couldn’t change anything. It could only strike out of nowhere like a snake and fill him full of poison, for he could so easily have lost Belle today… Now, though, it just made him feel a kind of pre-emptive grief. For the possibility of a life he could still not truly picture, and would never have chosen, but which nevertheless gleamed richly with the promise of unimagined, undared contentment.”

[Discussing Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure by John Cleland, a real novel from 1749]
[Belle] “‘Why was it banned, then?’
[Gil, the highwayman] “‘For the same reason most things are: fear and ignorance. In this case, I suspect it has something to do with the fact the book takes as axiomatic that women can be creatures of pleasure just as men can.’
[Belle] “‘And yet,’ she asked, ‘it is not worth reading?’
[Gil] “‘You may if you wish. It’s not really my place to decide for you. Though try not to, you know, fold the pages back or spill beans over it. Very few copies of this book are still in circulation.’
“‘Surely it will be unbanned sometime soon?’
“‘Surely,’ echoed Gil, though he did not sound very convinced on the matter.
“‘Well, the idea of a woman liking sex can’t remain so very shocking, can it? I expect we can figure that out in, say, less than a hundred and fifty years.’
“‘Oh please,’ Rufus swiped his had disdainfully through the air, as though dismissing the decades to come. ‘A hundred and fifty years to concede women are people? Give us two hundred and ten, and we will probably still be banning books and hating each other.’
[Gil] “‘I fear his cynicism is not wholly without merit. But… I shall nevertheless join you in hoping for better from posterity.'”

Embracing Our Discomfort

“How are you, my friend?”

Do you find yourself asking your people this more often lately?
It’s a heavier question today than in times past, no?
What are we really asking? What do we want to know (or not)?
I opened last week’s post by asking, and again today; the redundance feels important and necessary.

It’s Pride Month, and I’m seeing a lot less of the “Wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month” memes now compared to last year, which I’m glad about. I thought about updating my dissent post today, but I think it still stands strong on its own:
“…The best intention of this message, I think, is solidarity and allyship. The impact may be very different. I can imagine someone who feels uncomfortable, for whatever reason, with non-cis/het identity feeling rejected, shamed, and even hated by this message. What response is this likely to engender? How does that make anything better for anyone? How does it advance the cause?
“…If we were all better at embracing our various discomforts (healthy eating, exercising more, being more honest with ourselves and others, having the hard conversations, etc.), at making it safe for one another to engage with and overcome them, how would that feel? How would our relationships and communities be? Right now we make it safe to respond to our discomforts with rage, blame, and dehumanizing. When I see people wishing discomfort on others, I’m disappointed.
“We can do better.”

A friend and I have exchanged messages about the value of discomfort, how it makes us stop and take perspective, how it shapes us and can make us better.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” –unattributed

I still never wish discomfort on anyone. But I’m happy to encourage folks to embrace its inevitability and possibility for growth through it. Let us seek and engage with the worthy discomforts–those which move us through our stagnant assumptions and mental rigidities toward creativity, discovery, and deeper connection. And let’s do it together–mutually supportive and loving, striving always for better understanding, acceptance, and community through the joys and challenges of diversity and inclusion.

Embracing our discomfort often means acknowledging and facing our fears.
Fear is a legitimate and important emotion, required for survival throughout our evolution. Besides pain, is there a more uncomfortable sensation than threat and fear?
Can we recognize when our anger, righteousness, arrogance, disengagement, and even hatred are all founded on unacknowledged, limbic, or even existential fear?
Can we kindly, patiently, curiously, and humbly help one another explore and unpack it all?

How comfortable are any of us with any of this?
How much easier is it to declare categorical truths with certainty and authority, dismissing nuance and complexity, suppressing doubt, and rejecting earnest discussion and debate?

We each get to choose how we show up to our fears, how we cope with discomfort.
Sometimes all we can do is turn around and run the other way. We can deflect or armor up. They’re called ‘defense mechanisms’ for good reason, and the older I get the more I see and accept that we all have them. Each of us comes by our own honestly, and judging one another for them rarely makes anything better. Discomfort makes us squirelly at best, destructive at worst.

What if we shared our comfort with one another?

I messaged a friend last weekend:
“Reconnected with (a guy friend) recently, who is now a transitioning woman and agreed to take me to my first silent book club at a lesbian speakeasy this month! [Mentioned here last week–I’m very excited about this.]
“Omg dear one, our world is so chaotic and uncertain, and yet there is still SO MUCH GOOD in the day to day, face to face, in person connections of love and shared humanity. I hope you feel as surrounded by it as I do.”
Clearly, I feel very comfortable with gender transition.

But I know people for whom transgenderism is extremely uncomfortable, an unfathomable and existential threat to their core values and beliefs about humanity. I sense their acute distress, their stuckness, their utter helplessness to understand or accept the concept and get to peace with it–especially when a loved one discloses and transitions. I wish I could take away their sorrow and anguish. I know it’s not because they ‘hate’ transgender people or wish for anyone to repress their authentic selves. Their discomfort is not rooted in malice. And their experience far and away exceeds ‘discomfort,’ but I use this example to remind myself that humans come to any given issue or idea with a vast variety and complexity of attitudes, histories, and comfort levels.

The better we can tolerate, embrace, and process our discomfort, the stronger and more resilient we can be in the face of adversity and true threats to our survival, I think. And I wish for no one to have to do this alone.
Genuine human connection mitigates pain, suffering, and the extreme discomforts of fear, grief, and uncertainty. It is the most effective balm for what ails our hearts.

So this Pride Month and beyond, when we feel uncomfortable about something, anything, may we reach out with vulnerability and courage ahead of anger and antagonism. May our first instincts be to connect more than to judge. May we meet others’ discomfort with empathy, compassion, understanding, and patience. We can do this even in the smallest encounter, with few or even no words, with the most fleeting of looks. It takes practice. Thankfully, life presents us with the opportunity every time we meet another human.

What Holds You Up?

Back wall at a nail spa around 1500 N.Milwaukee in Chicago–no idea the name of the place!

How are you, my friends?

So many people struggle today. Whether it’s financial, medical, emotional, relational, or existential, life is just hard right now. It’s palpable; wellness can feel fragile and tenuous. Uncertainty, risk, agitation, and isolation loom heavily on more people’s consciousness than I have ever noticed in the past.

Even in my own bubble of prosperity and privilege, lately I notice stark and reactive vacillations in mood and serenity with smaller and smaller adversities. I think often of Strauss and Howe’s The Fourth Turning, and wonder when this individualist, revolutionary, destructive unraveling/crisis turning will finally end and we can enter the high that follows. Will it be in my lifetime? What do I do in the interim?

Connect, that’s what.

Recently TM and I picked up our friendship again after about 18 years. Our kids were friends in preschool and then our lives diverged, though we stayed very loosely connected via Facebook. Recently they commented on my post and now we’ve had two very long and deep conversations in the past month. I live for these connections! Today they helped me name an idea I have grappled with as the tension/tandem between reform and revolution. I prefer the former in general, and increasingly realize the need for and utility of the latter. In the end we agreed that both serve a purpose, and we wish for humans to be more thoughtful about how we do both. We have so much more to catch up on and discuss–our next date may be to a ‘silent book club’ at a lesbian speakeasy, woohoooooo!!

So much to attend to, everything that demands our attention, much of which we cannot even influence, let alone control. So what’s left? Our relationships, of course. Everything related to my direct connections with other humans holds me up. Find my short but mighty list below. What’s yours?

Finding, protecting, and strengthening what holds us up is not just about our own health and well-being. It’s about what we do with that well-being, when we have the bandwidth and wherewithal. Societal unravelling and crisis are inevitable, perhaps, at least according to some. But if the cycle persists, then highs and awakenings also come around, and I am convinced that these are driven strongly by those who value, practice, and lead us all in connection, who maintain our bridges across difference and conflict, who can always see our shared humanity and work to preserve it in all ways great and small. I strive to be this force of nature in this lifetime, and I thank my lucky stars every day for others I know who do the same.

Sorenettes
After our lovely discussion on the Crowns Trilogy by Nichola Tyche, my friends agreed to listen to Sierra Simon’s Priest Collection next. We met this past week and delved right in: Faith, religion, rigid social norms and the harm they do, desire, pleasure, carnality and spirituality, community, integrity, parenting, daughtering, and the future we wish and leave for our kids. I had just published my post on Never After by Alexis Hall, and now we will discuss this love story at our next meeting. Donna nailed it when she described the value of these books: They make us both feel and think deeply. They teach us more about ourselves than we knew before consuming them. They help us explore our beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, and world views. And they give us a great excuse to gather and commune.

Ethos
I lifted 195# with the trap bar this week, friends, and it felt strong and solid. I am confident I will break 200# and then some this year–whenever we do a straight 20X0 tempo again. My pull ups continue to improve also, though I am still sore for a few days after each workout. If I can get myself to practice at least once a week, I could likely get to one, good, unassisted pull up by Christmas. It’s all up to me.
But I could never do it without my people. The energy at Ethos simply makes us all better. We cheer and high five each other to our stronger, faster, healthier selves.
After class I head to the Den to write. I have made five months of steady progress on Book, and the final project continues to emerge and form in good time. I am so excited–after eleven years of blogging, my writing may yet get published in print.

Kids Home
I have adult children now, omg.
I told Daughter about the Sorenettes’ conversation, we ended up recording her response and sharing with my friends, who then responded with yet more connection and wonder. I love having an anthropologist kid! Every day we bond over esoteric sociopolitical theory and observation, as well as cat and cooking videos.
Son travels these few weeks, then comes home for a summer internship. It will be the first time he’s lived at home for more than two weeks at a time since starting college in 2022. That’s a mindbender. I cannot wait and will strive to self-regulate, to not smother him. I look forward to finding something to do that we both enjoy and brings us together.

Friends Coming to Town
Two people dear to me arrive in Chicago this week, and I will spend quality time with each. I would not miss the opportunity to gather and soak up their presence, light, and love. How did I get this lucky, to know so many amazing humans in one lifetime? And to have the chance to stay connected despite distance, stress, and all the trevails of life in our chaotic world? It’s just too good, and communion with them–just the anticipation of it–holds me up high.

Paper Projects
My desktop stationery stash has grown continually since National Card and Letter Writing Month started April 1. Every personal envelope I mail or deliver is now lined with pretty paper–so fancy! And this weekend I was reminded of the puffy paper stars origami I learned from our babysitter years ago–how did I not think to pour some into every Jar of Smiles from the beginning? I wrote a new jar for one of my friends coming this week and scattered some stars inside. It’s fun and aesthetically pleasing.
I spent last weekend also creating three sizes of origami booklets, some that fit inside smile jars, others meant to stash in pockets or bookbags. Slightly longer messages of encouragement, or places for friends to place their own thoughts and reflections.
I’ll continue to compose little love notes, cards and letters, and all forms of personal, handwritten messages to as many people as possible, for as long as I am able. I may never use all of the cardstock, stationery, tape, and paraphernalia I have accumulated over a lifetime of paper fetish, but I will die trying. And if I can bring some love, joy, beauty, and connection along the way, all the better.