Category Archives: stress management

What Holds You Up?

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Back wall at a nail spa around 1500 N.Milwaukee in Chicago–no idea the name of the place!

How are you, my friends?

So many people struggle today. Whether it’s financial, medical, emotional, relational, or existential, life is just hard right now. It’s palpable; wellness can feel fragile and tenuous. Uncertainty, risk, agitation, and isolation loom heavily on more people’s consciousness than I have ever noticed in the past.

Even in my own bubble of prosperity and privilege, lately I notice stark and reactive vacillations in mood and serenity with smaller and smaller adversities. I think often of Strauss and Howe’s The Fourth Turning, and wonder when this individualist, revolutionary, destructive unraveling/crisis turning will finally end and we can enter the high that follows. Will it be in my lifetime? What do I do in the interim?

Connect, that’s what.

Recently TM and I picked up our friendship again after about 18 years. Our kids were friends in preschool and then our lives diverged, though we stayed very loosely connected via Facebook. Recently they commented on my post and now we’ve had two very long and deep conversations in the past month. I live for these connections! Today they helped me name an idea I have grappled with as the tension/tandem between reform and revolution. I prefer the former in general, and increasingly realize the need for and utility of the latter. In the end we agreed that both serve a purpose, and we wish for humans to be more thoughtful about how we do both. We have so much more to catch up on and discuss–our next date may be to a ‘silent book club’ at a lesbian speakeasy, woohoooooo!!

So much to attend to, everything that demands our attention, much of which we cannot even influence, let alone control. So what’s left? Our relationships, of course. Everything related to my direct connections with other humans holds me up. Find my short but mighty list below. What’s yours?

Finding, protecting, and strengthening what holds us up is not just about our own health and well-being. It’s about what we do with that well-being, when we have the bandwidth and wherewithal. Societal unravelling and crisis are inevitable, perhaps, at least according to some. But if the cycle persists, then highs and awakenings also come around, and I am convinced that these are driven strongly by those who value, practice, and lead us all in connection, who maintain our bridges across difference and conflict, who can always see our shared humanity and work to preserve it in all ways great and small. I strive to be this force of nature in this lifetime, and I thank my lucky stars every day for others I know who do the same.

Sorenettes
After our lovely discussion on the Crowns Trilogy by Nichola Tyche, my friends agreed to listen to Sierra Simon’s Priest Collection next. We met this past week and delved right in: Faith, religion, rigid social norms and the harm they do, desire, pleasure, carnality and spirituality, community, integrity, parenting, daughtering, and the future we wish and leave for our kids. I had just published my post on Never After by Alexis Hall, and now we will discuss this love story at our next meeting. Donna nailed it when she described the value of these books: They make us both feel and think deeply. They teach us more about ourselves than we knew before consuming them. They help us explore our beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, and world views. And they give us a great excuse to gather and commune.

Ethos
I lifted 195# with the trap bar this week, friends, and it felt strong and solid. I am confident I will break 200# and then some this year–whenever we do a straight 20X0 tempo again. My pull ups continue to improve also, though I am still sore for a few days after each workout. If I can get myself to practice at least once a week, I could likely get to one, good, unassisted pull up by Christmas. It’s all up to me.
But I could never do it without my people. The energy at Ethos simply makes us all better. We cheer and high five each other to our stronger, faster, healthier selves.
After class I head to the Den to write. I have made five months of steady progress on Book, and the final project continues to emerge and form in good time. I am so excited–after eleven years of blogging, my writing may yet get published in print.

Kids Home
I have adult children now, omg.
I told Daughter about the Sorenettes’ conversation, we ended up recording her response and sharing with my friends, who then responded with yet more connection and wonder. I love having an anthropologist kid! Every day we bond over esoteric sociopolitical theory and observation, as well as cat and cooking videos.
Son travels these few weeks, then comes home for a summer internship. It will be the first time he’s lived at home for more than two weeks at a time since starting college in 2022. That’s a mindbender. I cannot wait and will strive to self-regulate, to not smother him. I look forward to finding something to do that we both enjoy and brings us together.

Friends Coming to Town
Two people dear to me arrive in Chicago this week, and I will spend quality time with each. I would not miss the opportunity to gather and soak up their presence, light, and love. How did I get this lucky, to know so many amazing humans in one lifetime? And to have the chance to stay connected despite distance, stress, and all the trevails of life in our chaotic world? It’s just too good, and communion with them–just the anticipation of it–holds me up high.

Paper Projects
My desktop stationery stash has grown continually since National Card and Letter Writing Month started April 1. Every personal envelope I mail or deliver is now lined with pretty paper–so fancy! And this weekend I was reminded of the puffy paper stars origami I learned from our babysitter years ago–how did I not think to pour some into every Jar of Smiles from the beginning? I wrote a new jar for one of my friends coming this week and scattered some stars inside. It’s fun and aesthetically pleasing.
I spent last weekend also creating three sizes of origami booklets, some that fit inside smile jars, others meant to stash in pockets or bookbags. Slightly longer messages of encouragement, or places for friends to place their own thoughts and reflections.
I’ll continue to compose little love notes, cards and letters, and all forms of personal, handwritten messages to as many people as possible, for as long as I am able. I may never use all of the cardstock, stationery, tape, and paraphernalia I have accumulated over a lifetime of paper fetish, but I will die trying. And if I can bring some love, joy, beauty, and connection along the way, all the better.

Live the Questions

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What question, if any, have you asked/chased for years with no semblance of a coherent answer? How have you carried it? Where does it weigh on you, and what does this cost you in energy and other ways?

I attached the quote below by Rainer Maria Rilke in my last post of 2025, as part of ‘what’s on my mind.’ I asked Shane and AJ to read and reflect on it, and they both responded so kindly and generously. I have listened to each of their messages repeatedly and shared them with friends when the concept of patience with unanswered questions arises. Rilke was only in his thirties when he wrote these Letters to a Young Poet–I think Franz Xaver Kappus was in his twenties–and already such deep and wise understanding of his own and our shared humanity! The often quoted ‘live the questions’ part has resonated with me for many years, and now hearing the reflections of people I admire, then inviting others to listen and ponder together, I gain exponentially more. Of course!

I had said for a while about my inner work: “I have done all I can do with shovels; now I need drills.” Patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior that recur lifelong, not necessarily negative, but interesting and somewhat perplexing, poke at my consciousness. I just want to figure it out, to understand. So I engage with books, thearpy, coaches, and of course my wise and thoughtful, loving friends. I’ve learned and grown so much along the way, and yet the mysteries persist. I feel impatience, frustration, and wonder in turns.

But last week, listening to AJ’s response once again, Rilke’s words sank another layer deeper: Live the questions. Live my way into the answer some distant day. My last post discussed weeks of hamster wheeling and distress, wondering about myself and the other person, our relationship, the wierd feelings and my reactions. What if I had just held it all more loosely and lived those questions, rather than chasing answers? Could I have suffered a little less? Gotten to peace or epiphany sooner? Living the questions is a mindfulness practice. Be with what is, with neither judgment nor resistance. Flow with it; let it show me in its own time. I like that. I can practice it.

My mantras for presenting my authentic self saved me at the last minute before meeting that person again. I can now add ‘live the questions’ and maybe pull on it more effectively in real time. It can center and ground me in ‘the magic in the in between,’ as AJ says, to maintain openness, wonder, and curiosity ahead of anxiety and insecurity about my innermost mysteries. Because despite those particular unknowings, I actually know myself well. I have clarity about my values, goals, boundaries, and integrity. I have all the support I need from loved ones to help me process and hold me accountable to all of these. So I can relax, breathe deeply and slowly, keep walking, and trust myself.

What passages, pieces of art or music, or other things do you visit often, that continue to nourish your being and help you grow each time? Our favorite books, movies, songs, poems, paintings, photographs, etc–they do this for us, no? When we share them with others, our perspective grows yet wider, we live bigger, and even if we don’t arrive at answers, the questions get sweeter, I think. How wonderful. So let’s just keep living them.

Worpswede, near Bremen,
16th July, 1903.
Here, where a mighty land is about me, here I feel that no human being can answer for you those questions and feelings which have a life of their own in the depth of your heart, for even the best use words wrongly when they want to give them the most delicate and almost inexpressible meaning…
If you attach yourself to Nature, to the simple and small in her, which hardly anyone sees, but which can so unexpectedly turn into the great and the immeasurable, if you have this love for what is slight and try quite simply as a servant to win the confidence of what appears to you poor, then everything will become easier for you, more uniform and somehow more reconciling, not perhaps in the understanding, which holds back in amazement, but in your innermost consciousness, watchfulness and knowledge. You are so young, all beginning is so far in front of you, and I should like to beg you earnestly to have patience with all unsolved problems in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms, or books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not search now for the answers, which cannot be given you, because you could not live them. That is the point, to live everything. Now you must live your problems. And perhaps gradually, without noticing it, you will live your way into the answer some distant day. Perhaps you actually have in you the possibility of moulding and shaping, as a particularly blessed and pure form of life; train yourself in it—but take what comes in complete trust, and, as long as it comes from your own will, from some need or other of your inner self, then take it for itself and hate nothing…
…All my good wishes are ready to accompany you, and my confidence is with you.
Yours,
RAINER MARIA RILKE.
Translated by K.W. Maurer
Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke, Rainer Maria. Letters to a Young Poet. Trans. K.W. Maurer. London: Langley & Sons. The Euston Press, N.W.I., 1943 (public domain) https://rilkepoetry.com/bibliography/

DIY Pep Talk

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“Wait, I have mantras for this!”

How are you affected by anxiety, rumination, or otherwise tenacious yet counterproductive thoughts and feelings in life? Many of us lose sleep. We lie awake, before falling asleep or having awoken at night, or both. I talk with patients about this regularly, a common problem that manifests for each of us in our own unique way.

Recently a patient mentioned it to me during a routine visit. After decades of stress-induced insomnia of various causes, there was a sense of placid acceptance in his tone and posture, and also hope that he may still find a way to overcome. He listed some prior life stressors, none of which had turned out nearly as badly as he had ‘unncessarily worried.’ He said when he remembers this, he is able to de-escalate in general, but it doesn’t necessarily help him at night. Since meeting me he had also been practicing box breathing to relax and calm his nervous system, which sometimes helps him sleep. So we agreed he could try to combine the two when insomnia hits: Breathe intentionally and rhythmically while repeating a reassuring, de-escalating mantra of his choosing. I’m excited to hear how this goes for him.

For some months I had been ruminating on and off about friction in a longstanding relationship. I journaled, spoke to multiple friends, and also lost sleep, which happens to me rarely. I entertained exiting the relationship altogether, but that was neither justified nor productive. I saw it as a personal challenge to walk my talk of showing up, sticking with it, and being my best relational self, despite feeling unappreciated and disrespected. What other story could I tell about this person and our relationship? The day before an upcoming encounter I felt almost squirelly from anticipation and ambivalence about how to approach the meeting. Then it hit me: I have mantras for this.

  1. I’d rather regret being too kind than not kind enough.
  2. Strong back, soft front.
  3. Do no harm, take no shit.

And just like that my conscience cleared, fight or flight turned off, and dread transformed into optimistic anticipation. I marvel still at how I recite my mantras everywhere to patients, on this blog, in social media posts and comments–I have even made stickers of them–and yet they escaped me when I needed them in a period of distress. I am all about relationships and yet this one flummoxed me–significantly. The mantras saved me–better late than never, and even better just in the nick of time!

I can neither prove nor disprove, but I tell the story that because I presented with honest equanimity and humbly confident professionalism, the encounter went smoothly. The relationship might even have improved? …I can’t say. I think I generally show up this way by nature and practice, but this time I had to talk myself into it. So I wonder, in all these years of friction (at least on my side) in this relationship, how much was actually mine to own, or in my imagination? This dynamic is definitely an outlier, so I don’t want to fixate on it; yet sometimes the exceptions point to areas of deeper potential insight and learning, no? Regardless, I’m grateful for how this episode has illuminated a new awareness for me and sharpened my attention to my own default attitudes and assumptions.

So what are your DIY pep talk methods? How did you come across them and why do they work so well? What mantras hold you up?

Happy Sunday, friends. Have a great week!