The Menopause Inflection

From overlook on Ptarmigan Trail, Silverthorne, Colorado. Left to right: Buffalo Mountain, Red Mountain, Silverthorne Peak

What does the graph of your life look like? 

I imagine we’d all put something related to time or age on the horizontal axis, but what goes on the vertical?  What is meaningful to you, that is worth measuring, over a lifetime?  Joy?  Financial success/accumulation?  Education? Learning?  Status?  Growth?  Contribution?

For a long time I conceptually contrasted puberty and menopause, seeing the former as an exponential acceleration in growth and the latter a rapid decline, like the two stems of a broad arch, an upside down parabola.  This past week during a patient interview, however, a wholly different perspective dawned on me.  Menopause may signal the end of child-bearing years, of youth.  Some may perceive it only as a global decline—the unmistakable physical sign that we are now closer to the end of our life than the beginning.  But what if it’s also a new beginning, life expectancy not withstanding?

My patient and I discussed the trade-offs we are called to make throughout life—career, relationships, geography, etc.  What do we get in return for trading away our reproductive years?  For me the greatest payoffs are wisdom and confidence.  After about 5 decades of living, learning, and being in relationship with self and others, I welcome this phase of life with keenness and joy.  What a relief to have my personality and values established, to know what I stand for.  How rewarding to feel that I can walk into any room and talk to anyone, knowing fully and without question who I am, without having to compare myself to anyone around me.  How fun to find opportunities for continued learning around every corner, in domains I never thought I’d encounter, or even knew existed!  Everything I have experienced, learned, and struggled through until now comprises a thread in the tapestry of my life, and the picture gets more dense and colorful with each passing day, year, and decade.

The life graph of learning and personal growth is most interesting to me.  Superimposed on the graph of challenge and pain, I might see the lines travel in parallel trajectories—no surprise.  As the years pass, though, I see a net positive slope, a steady climb of the most meaningful curves, and menopause perhaps as a milestone inflection point, beyond which the ascent may well progress with fewer stutters and regressions, as wisdom and confidence accrue, and mission/cause come into greater focus and clarity.

I choose to see and draw my life graph this way.

Why not keep climbing until the end and go out at a peak? 

Gotta go now, I’ got work to do.

Potential and Contribution (and Books)

What things—books, movies, songs, mementos, prayers—do you return to often?  Why?

Here at the end of another shockingly abnormal year, what calls you to return, beseeches you to center, to ground, to focus, and prepare to engage hereafter from a deeper, more authentic place?

When you look back at 2021, how do you assess intensity, complexity, and relationships?  It’s a bit mind-bending for me!  For so long now the learning feels as if from a fire hose, and I’m grateful beyond measure for it all.  This week I made a feeble effort at assessing my net experience of 2021—positive or negative?  How does one even go about measuring this?  I quickly settled with satisfaction that it has simply been a year of challenge, learning, and growth.  Good enough.

Four blog posts left for the year.  I’ll include books consumed below, rather than as a separate post, and I offer the titles without comment.  This year I also include content in other media that resonated, in case you want to check them out.  Reviewing the list brings me back to the places and times where I consumed the works, and I’m a little surprised to feel comfort, more than anything else.  Huh.  What story do I tell about that?  Maybe learning is my safe and happy place?  Maybe as long as I feel like I’m gaining something—information, knowledge, connection, expertise, wisdom—then I can feel secure and confident to handle whatever comes next?

After outputting for 31 days in a row, and then a 6 day GI illness that knocked me down in a big way (be careful out there, friends, there are some nasty bugs going around!), this weekend I felt a deep longing for familiar voices and lessons.  I listened again to The Art of Possibility, and I’m halfway through Start With Why.  How funny, after all these years, I still manage to come back to the same books annually.  They refill my tank, somehow; they comfort me, inspire me.  They welcome me like a big, warm, floofy arm chair.  With and in them, I relax and breathe easier.  Then I feel refreshed, ready to tackle challenges, learning, and growth with renewed enthusiasm.

In my copy of AoP, a picture of me with Ben Zander marks the page that describes Giving the A:

(This practice) is an enlivening way of approaching people that promises to transform you as well as them.  It is a shift in attitude that makes it possible for you to speak freely about your own thoughts and feelings while, at the same time, you support others to be all they dream of being.  The practice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world of measurement into the universe of possibility.

An A can be given to anyone in any walk of life—to a waitress, to your employer, to your mother-in-law, to the members of the opposite team, and to other drivers in traffic.  When you give an A, you find yourself speaking to people not from a place of measuring how they stack up against your standards, but from a place of respect that gives them room to realize themselves.  Your eye is on the statue within the roughness of the uncut stone.

An A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into.

A photo of Hubs and me marks the page that lists the distinctions of a vision that frames possibility:

  • A vision articulates a possibility
  • A vision fulfills a desire fundamental to humankind, a desire with which any human being can resonate.  It is an idea to which no one could logically respond, “What about me?”
  • A vision makes no reference to morality or ethics, it is not about a right way of doing things.  It cannot imply that anyone is wrong.
  • A vision is stated as a picture for all time, using no numbers, measures or comparatives.  It contains no specifics of time, place, audience, or product.
  • A vision is free-standing—it points to neither a rosier future, nor to a past in need of improvement.  It gives over its bounty now.  If the vision is “peace on earth,” peace comes with its utterance.  When “the possibility of ideas making a difference” is spoken, at that moment ideas do make a difference.
  • A vision is a long line of possibility radiating outward.  It invites infinite expression, development, and proliferation within its definitional framework.
  • Speaking a vision transforms the speaker.  For that moment the “real world” becomes a universe of possibility and the barriers to realization of the vision disappear.

Listening to these passages prompted me to wonder about my own vision.  What shining light do I see on and beyond the horizon, toward which I march with conviction and joy?  It took no time.  For my patients, my children, my trainees, people I work with—for everybody—my vision is for us all/each to realize our potential and make our best contribution.  We get to define these words and their meaning for ourselves, whenever and however we want—they are intersecting, metamorphosing.  The vision’s expression is fluid, and certainly evolves over time.  And like a Why and a Just Cause, this vision grounds me in core values, while inspiring me to reach with cheerful, optimistic audacity for possibility.  I think it fulfills the vision criteria, and anyway it’s mine and I’m keeping it—for now, at least.

My favorite books always bring me back to my center, my raison d’etre, my Why—to optimize relationships between all people.

What a fantastic time of year to revel in them yet again, to refuel and recharge for the long winter ahead.

Books and Media 2021

Books [Titles in brackets have yet to be finished]

  1. Everything is F*cked by Mark Manson
  2. Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski
  3. [Own Your Present by Candace Good, MD]
  4. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides
  5. A Promised Land by Barack Obama
  6. Think Again by Adam Grant
  7. Change by Damon Centola
  8. Who You Are by Michael Spivey
  9. Persist by Elizabeth Warren
  10. Managing Transitions by William Bridges and Susan Bridges
  11. The Disappearing Spoon by Sam Kean
  12. [Bowling Alone by Robert D. Putnam]
  13. [The Secret Lives of Church Ladies by Deesha Philyaw]
  14. The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
  15. The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
  16. The Culture Puzzle by Mario Moussa, Derek Newberry, and Greg Urban
  17. Tribes by Seth Godin
  18. Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong
  19. Together by Vivek Murthy
  20. Why We’re Polarized by Ezra Klein
  21. The Greatest Love Story Ever Told by Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman
  22. Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir
  23. Eat a Peach by David Chang
  24. Becoming by Michelle Obama
  25. [A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell]
  26. A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver
  27. [Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis]
  28. Cooked by Michael Pollan
  29. Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
  30. How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan
  31. Caffeine by Michael Pollan (Audible exclusive)
  32. This Is Your Mind On Plants by Michael Pollan
  33. The Half-Life of Marie Curie by Lauren Gunderson (Audible exclusive)
  34. Men’s Health by Daniel Goldfarb (Audible exclusive)
  35. The Wisdom of Joseph Campbell, In Conversation with Michael Toms
  36. [Humble Pi: When Math Goes Wrong in the Real World by Matt Parker]
  37. Stop Walking On Eggshells by Paul T. Mason, MS and Randi Kreger
  38. This Is Not the End by Tabetha Martin, ed (Audible exclusive)
  39. In the Pleasure Groove by John Taylor
  40. The Power of Us by Jay J. Van Bavel PhD, and Dominic J. Packer PhD
  41. Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama
  42. The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander
  43. Start With Why by Simon Sinek

Podcasts

Hidden Brain

  1. Not at the Dinner Table
  2. The Easiest Person to Fool
  3. How They See Us
  4. The Snowball Effect
  5. Useful Delusions
  6. In the Heat of the Moment
  7. Group Think

WorkLife

  1. The Real Reason You Procrastinate
  2. Relationships at Work with Esther Perel
  3. Building an Anti-Racist Workplace

A Bit of Optimism

  1. Extreme Listening with Deeyah Khan
  2. Quiet Service with General Stanley McChrystal
  3. Enchantment with Chloe Valdary

The Knowledge Project

  1. Jeff Immelt:  Leadership in a Crisis
  2. Danny Meyer:  Hospitality and Humanity
  3. Adam Grant:  Rethinking Your Position
  4. Bill Ackman: Getting Back Up
  5. Jim Collins: Relationships vs. Transactions
  6. Angela Duckworth:  Grit and Human Behavior
  7. Sendhil Mullainathan:  The Chaos Inside Us
  8. Randall Stutman:  The Essence of Leadership
  9. Lisa Feldman Barrett:  Balancing the Brain Budget

Netflix

Ugly Delicious

  1. Pizza
  2. Tacos
  3. Fried Chicken
  4. Fried Rice
  5. Stuffed
  6. Don’t Call It Curry

Chef’s Table

  1. Massimo Bottura
  2. Dan Barber
  3. Niki Nakayama
  4. Grant Achatz
  5. Dominique Crenn
  6. Gaggan Anand
  7. Ivan Orkin

Street Food: Asia

  1. Bangkok, Thailand
  2. Osaka, Japan
  3. Chiayi, Taiwan
  4. Seoul, South Korea

Cooked:  all 4 episodes

Halt and Catch Fire

TED Talk: Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong

YouTube: Eugene Lee Yang:  My First Met Gala (And How I Almost Didn’t Make It)

ODOMOBaaT

NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

Day 30!!  Thank you to all readers, and my fellow challenge tacklers, check them out–

Nancy over at Thoughts From the Back,

My fellow woman physician writer at Passion…unbridled, and

One of the most voracious readers alive, Love 2 Read 365!

Life is such a beautiful, terrifying, awesome, and dynamic balance of so many things, no?  I want this, the last post of a 30 day challenge with special meaning, to shine as a worthy conclusion!  I also want to have fun writing it, relieve myself of perfectionist pressure to ‘produce’.  If I had infinite time and inspiration (and required no sleep), I could write so many more ethical earworm posts, right?

Always Do Your Best—If You Can Figure Out What That Means

Sacrifice, But Not Too Much

Vet Your Sources

Nod to the Cosmos

Forgive Yourself

Find A Why

What else?

What a long, strange trip—the past month, the last two years—life. I bought a customized ring with ‘one breath’ imprinted, to help me remember to stay in the moment, to ground. I like it, and ordered three more for friends also weathering hard times. I still fall down—catastrophize and freak out so much more than I want to admit. I can find peace, then it escapes me. But my friends refer to the ring and remind me: One Day, One Moment, One (deep) Breath at a Time—ODOMOBaaT. Maybe it was my subconscious finding the win-win, sharing a centering life mantra with dear friends, so they could then reflect it back to me? Nice, how that works out.

Do you wonder about Sven? Happily, I can report that it is alive and well on the bottom shelf of the fridge. I continue to learn and experiment, to growl in frustration and keep trying—I will get the hang of this one day! Meanwhile, a little yeast assisted sourdough (YASD) makes for fluffy loaves that family and friends enjoy. And what am I after more here, mastering a challenge, or sharing yum with loved ones? It’s both and, of course, but when push comes to shove, I can let up on perfecting Sven bread (for now) and simply enjoy serving something warm that brings folks together in love and connection. ODOMOBaaT.

Will I have done enough for Son to launch into independence by next fall? What’s around the corner for Daughter, Hubs, MaBa, Sibs, my three friends, work? Am I aging okay? When will I finally feel solid in these healthier eating habits? How can I write daily and get enough sleep, OMG? When will we finally arrive at some stability and equilibrium with COVID? How can I help people treat one another with more curiosity, kindness, generosity, humility, openness, and love? ODOMOBaaT.

Self-awareness, self-regulation, connection.  It’s all an ongoing practice, an infinite game, no question. 

Our challenges loom.  Our gifts can shine, proliferate, amplify, and overcome—if we work together.  So much to do, so little and so much time, infinite chances—every encounter, every breath an opportunity.  Onward in solidarity!

As Mary Oliver asks, what will we each do with our ‘one wild and precious life’?  We don’t have to decide right this minute.  OD.OM.OB,aaT.  It will all be okay.