Comfort Food

“Rice Grandma”, fermented glutinous rice just like my own PoPo used to make, and in the background glutinous rice balls filled with black sesame paste. Both foods that bring me home.

What foods make you happy?  Why?

In Disney’s 2007 film “Ratatouille”, the hostile food critic experiences an existential transformation after his first bite of the unsophisticated but sentimental title dish.  His olfactory sense, the most primitive and tightly bound to long term memory of them all, triggers intense feelings of comfort, love, and security from childhood, when his mother served him ratatouille after he was hurt.

Sister and I bonded recently over the Asian food display at my local Costco.  We found the pork sausage that Ma used to use in her fried rice, and egg yolk pies that we can almost never find in stores, even in Chinatown.  When I gushed about it to a fellow East Asian friend, she pointed me to a new Chinese supermarket near me.  Daughter and I went exploring today.  …While I would not quite call my experience existential, it was intensely joyful, and our haul provided a unique satisfaction that moved me unexpectedly.  I found myself texting photos to my parents, wishing they could be with us, recalling the flavors, sounds, and memories of growing up Chinese in white, suburban America.

I learned early in childhood not to bring food from home for lunch at school.  Stares and disgusted facial expressions from classmates at the appearance or smell of my family’s cooking vaporized my appetite and made me unpleasantly self-conscious.  It’s okay though, because I loved hot lunches at school—it was stuff I never got at home—overcooked green beans, spaghetti and meatballs served with an oversized ice cream scooper, and chicken fried steak—I had no idea what it was, but it tasted great—so different!

Authentic Chinese food was enjoyed at home only, especially the really weird stuff like preserved or salted duck eggs, fermented bean curd, and dried pork sung.  Like most teens, I did not fully appreciate these foods at the time.  In college I got to explore Japanese, Indian, Middle Eastern, and Thai food, all new to my naïve palate.  But when I went home—when I go home still—Sunday mornings eating rice porridge with the small plates of colorful, multi-odorous, myriad-textured food really was (is!) comforting.  Daughter saw today how giddy it all made me, and it excites her to try these foods for herself.  Another generation bonded to cultural roots awaits its next awakening.  

One of my goals this year is to live much more mindfully.  This includes cooking more at home, and really appreciating and enjoying—savoring!—my food, rather than inhaling it while attending to a dozen other tasks or problems.  My Chinese grocery acquisitions these last few weeks excite me more than I anticipated.  Maybe I’ll start bringing leftovers for lunch again.

Books of 2020

Hello Friends!  HOLY cow, what a year…  What have we learned?  What do we hold in front as we enter 2021?  What do leave behind without hesitation?  And of course, what did you read this year?  I consumed fewer books than I had intended.  But I did manage to read or hear over 1.8 million words, the equivalent of over 25 books on Pocket, according to the email I got from the app.  So that’s something. 

Please find below the list of books I consumed (or attempted, or continue to engage with) this year.  Please make recommendations, if you have any, in the comments!  Read and write on, friends!

  1. Think Like a Rocket Scientist by Ozan Varol@   (@One of my favorites)  Usually I read books like this over and over.  But the ideas from TLARS stay fresh and live on Ozan’s private forum, the Inner Circle.  I’ve made some awesome new friends and had some of the most stimulating conversations of the year on this page.  What ties us together, aside from our Ozan fandom, is our shared resonance with the idea of challenging the status quo, thinking in possibility.
  2. Speak by Sally Lou Oaks Loveman*  (*Abandoned)  Just not interesting enough to keep my attention.
  3. The Weekend Book Proposal by Ryan G. Van Cleave#  (#In progress)  I’ll come back to this one in 2021.  Practical and humorous, recommended by friend, author, and fellow blogger Donna Cameron
  4. Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell    Another winner by another master challenger of status quo thinking.  Though not outright political in nature, the ideas explored in this book took on important socio-political relevance in 2020.  The fundamental tenets would serve us well to remember as we enter the New Year:  Our assumptions often operate without our conscious awareness, sometimes with destructive consequences.  It behooves us to talk to people and know them as individuals, rather than making assumptions based on group identity.
  5. Collaborating with the Enemy by Adam Kahane    A bit dense, and slow at times.  But another excellent reminder of the importance of cultivating relationships across difference, practicing empathy and nonjudgment, and exercising power always with love.
  6. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottleib    I memoir by a therapist.  Touching, engaging, and reminiscent of my own personal experience as a clinician.  Worth a listen.
  7. American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins*    Well written and engaging, some controversy around race, the publishing industry, and ‘trauma porn.’  I abandoned when I could no longer ignore the call of my ever-growing pile of non-fiction books…
  8. Four Days to Change by Michael Welp@     A must-read for anyone working on self-awareness, and who wants to advance equity and inclusion by leading others in the practice.  Written with compassion and empathy, by a white man, for white men.   
  9. Leadership on the Line by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky@    Another gem.  Concise, practical, and an excellent integration of abstract relational concepts with concrete leadership practices that help me move from weeds to vision and back again with more agility, grace, and confidence.
  10. Notorious RBG by Irin Carmon and Shana Knizhnik    A re-listen, with the family this time, on our summer road trip.  Short, funny, inspiring.  Highly recommend.
  11. Personal Leadership by Barbara Schaetti, Sheila Ramsey, and Gordon Watanabe#,@   Another deceptively simple and also richly deep and transformative book and program.  Thank you, friend Sharon Kristjanson, for your coaching and your class, where we get to play with this and other important concepts for Engaging with Difference.  I look forward to continued evolution in my personal leadership style and application.
  12. How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi#    Dense, a bit pedantic, also personal and important.  Will continue to work my way through, considering the larger picture of racism and how I both contribute and can help effect change.
  13. Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel@   Last year I heard Sex at Dawn; this was my sex book for 2020.  Irreverent, lighthearted, and also based on decades of clinical expertise; also attractive to nonconventional thinkers and experiencers.  Her Facebook group is also a fantastic place to learn about all the things you never knew people did in their sex lives.  Highly recommend both.
  14. Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad   Much more practical and easier to consume than Kendi’s book.  Written as a workbook, each chapter grows a practice of awareness and action, grounded in humility and non-judgment. 
  15. But I Don’t See You as Asian by Bruce Reyes-Chow    Self-published and one of the only non-fiction books I could find written on racism from the Asian-American perspective.  Its purpose, much like Saad’s, is to enlighten white people on the impact of their cultural dominance, the way we might with our closest friends.  Worth the inexpensive print  read.
  16. Caste by Isabel Wilkerson@    No doubt you’ve read and heard about this book everywhere.  It’s every bit as amazing and important as everybody says.  Just read it.
  17. Caffeine by Michael Pollan    A fun and well-researched, short break from the heavy reads of summer.  Hasn’t change my habits…. Yet.
  18. Dear Girls by Ali Wong*   Funny, often heartfelt, and ultimately not engaging enough for this reader.
  19. What Unites Us by Dan Rather@   Read by Rather himself, an engaging and eloquent memoir that shines the warm light of hope and perseverance on the despair of today.  “Steady,” he says.  Highly recommend.
  20. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho    Read by Jeremy Irons on Audible, such a treat!  An allegory, though I’m not sure I quite understand the lesson.  I’ll come back to this one, for sure.
  21. The Pleasure of Finding Things Out:  The Best Short Works of Richard Feynman ed. Jeffrey Robbins#    I bet Dr. Feynman enjoyed being thought of as kooky.  I like to read and hear kooky folks’ own words, but they require focus, especially when they’re talking about quantum physics.  So I’m getting through this one slowly, and enjoying it.
  22. The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein, Beth Rashbaum    Wish I had read this when Son was much younger.  Lots of gender stereotype stuff that I instinctively push(ed) against already, but with practical examples and recommendations that I could have used sooner.
  23. Fauci by Michael Specter (Audible exclusive)    I learned so much in this short book about Dr. Fauci’s early evolution as a clinical researcher and community liaison during the AIDS epidemic.  He really walks the talk of engaging with difference, professionally and personally.  We are so lucky to still have his leadership, and I admire him so much.  Learn about this humble and steady role model.
  24. Divided We Fall by David French    Follow this conservative Christian civil rights attorney’s newsletters and blog at The French Press.  I find he practices that dynamic balance of standing firm in his own convictions and core values, while maintaining an open and discerning mind for the value and validity of opposing views.  I thought his characterizations of ‘the left’ were often generalized and not totally fair, and his outlook is much more pessimistic than mine.  But I always appreciate his perspective, as it challenges me to query my own, keeping me fair and honest.
  25. Managing Polarities by Barry Johnson#    A concept I first learned halfway through LOH, which didn’t resonate deeply right away.  But thank God for the lesson, as it stands front and center as one of the most important concepts of 2020, right there with paradox and flexibility.    Polarities are necessary; they are not problems to be solved; they are relational phenomena that require keen awareness and management for ultimate success.
  26. Burnout:  The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski#    Humorous, well-researched, eloquent, moving, and personal.  It breaks down the physiologic, psychologic, and sociologic origins and consequences of stress and burnout, and presents an evidence-based process for coping with anything life throws with a lot more confidence, and less suffering. 
  27. Simple Habits for Complex Times by Jennifer Garvey Berger and Keith Johnston#    Unlike Changing on the Job, this book is written in allegory form, which I sometimes find tedious and distracting.  I should probably read rather than listen.  Will pick it up again and finish soon.
  28. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner    Engagingly conceived and written, again joyfully stimulating to the contrarian in me.  Written 13 years ago, I wonder how it would be received today, given its sweeping generalizations and conclusions.  The authors proclaim themselves that the book has no real unifying theme (other than, perhaps, reminding us to regularly challenge conventional wisdom), and its ideas are not necessarily applicable in any concrete or personal way.  Reminds me of Gladwell—just makes me think.  I really want to ask the authors, “What are the most interesting and worthy rebuttals to your claims and conclusions so far?”
  29. A Promised Land by Barack Obama    I started this book in earnest today.  I’m on chapter 4, 3 hours in, 26 to go.  Read by President Obama himself, I feel soothed as soon as I tap ‘play’.  He uplifts me from my pessimism and burnout already.  My hope in the possibility and aspirations of our country swells again, despite the craziness I see all around me right now—the absolute, abject, unfathomable and enraging craziness

*sigh*  So many books, so many so many!  Here’s to the elegance and connecting power of words, in all forms.  May they hold us together and up, may we find in them comfort and solace, and may we always use our own for good.

Relationships, Identity, and Learning

Looking back on 30 days of posts, these are the themes that stand out.

Perhaps they also describe well my highest awareness(es) of 2020? 

How do I relate to (literally) everybody, directly and indirectly?  No other year has shown us more clearly how we are all inextricably connected.  One interaction with one other person can infect a whole family or community, make people sick and die.  One exposure affects multiple coworkers and their families, forcing time off, losing hours and income, impacting kids and schools.  Anyone who does not recognize our unbreakable ties right now is either not paying attention or simply in denial.  But beyond this, how do we show up for those around us?  Do I make people’s day net better or worse for having encountered me?  If I die tomorrow, will I have made a positive difference in the short time that I lived?  How does my presence affect any/everything, and how can I make it the best possible?

Who am I?  What defines me?  I think it’s my relationships.  But what is the balance of internal vs external expectations and standards here?  How much do I need people to like me, what does that tell me about who I am, or not?  What does it mean to be my most authentic, Central Self?  What if I’m not perfect?  How much failure is acceptable, especially when it’s repeated?  Am I really an honest person if I continue to deny a truth about myself?  Can I say I have integrity if my actions don’t always align with my professed beliefs?  I define myself by certain core values, which I declare often.  But how well am I really living them?  How could I do better?

How funny that it’s all connected this way.  My relationships show me who I am.  Leadership and doctoring, at which I spend the majority of my waking hours, is all about people.  I am my best when I down-regulate my internal noise and attune to those around me, while also differentiating along my core values and identity.  But I have learned this year that I get emotionally hijacked more often than I like to admit, and my highest, best self takes flight in a nanosecond.  How fascinating!  I’ve walked this path of self-reflection and awareness as long as I can remember, and I’ve come a long way.  And there is still so long to go, so much left to learn, relearn, apply, and master.

Sitting here in reflection, though, I don’t feel distress.  Rather I feel deep gratitude (and also a bit sleepy—maybe I’d be my better self if I went to bed earlier?).  All of this deep thinking, analysis, and writing takes energy.  But it’s not draining.  I have reveled often at how well supported I am in this work—by friendly and unfriendly allies alike.  The challengers teach me the most.  It all fuels me.  So there must be some purpose, right?  Some calling I’m meant to hear and answer, to make this life the best it can be? 

I’ll keep listening and doing my best.