On their 51st wedding anniversary (watermelon ‘cake’ decorated by Daughter)
Who in your family immigrated? Which generation are you?
My parents will visit this week, in the narrow window during which they are not traveling elsewhere and both of my kids are home before going back to college. It will be harder to coordinate calendars hereafter, I realize–I have adult children! What a milestone! I knew it was coming, but it only hit me when Daughter got herself from Trim to Dublin to O’Hare to home all by herself, with luggage, all while I was asleep and at work. [vibrating astonished smiley emoji]
Son is about the age Ba was when he left Taiwan. He and Ma met in high school, in study group at church. They got engaged after he completed military service and undergrad, and she was partway through nursing school, and came to the United States for his graduate studies. They eventually landed in Evanston, Illinois for his PhD in civil engineering at Northwestern, and I was three when he graduated. We moved to Colorado when I was six, and they still live in the house where my sisters and I grew up.
What a different world it was in 1971. Imagine picking up and moving to the other side of the globe, to a country where you barely speak the language, where you have few if any people, and you can only connect with them through snail mail. No internet, no cable TV, analog everything. I suspect most readers of this blog lived and recall those times clearly. Still, remembering is also akin to distant imagining, because our current reality is so drastically different and we simply adapt to what is.
How brave my parents were to do all of that. How mutually trusting in each other, in their own ability to figure things out. And maybe also in the decency of their fellow humans? They recently told me a story of their friend who was stranded in Memphis on his way to grad school at Ole Miss, who was taken in by a stranger, fed and housed overnight, and delivered to the bus station the next morning, all without ever knowing his host’s name. A kind American man helping out a young Taiwanese student, with no expectation of anything in return. Can we imagine anything like that happening today?
What happens when we cannot solve everything ourselves? What if I were stranded somewhere in a foreign country, phone dead, language barrier tall and wide, plans all upended? What if the people I could find were also disconnected from the internet? I suspect we’d find our shared humanity pretty fast, as long as none of us were outright sadists or sociopaths. I imagine that though racism and other ills of humanity existed then just as they do now, MaBa found folks who showed kindness, generosity, and even curiosity. They made friends, connections, and a life.
55 years on, they can look back at a remarkably successful life in every way. Steady professions, completed degrees (Ma got her BSN from CU while I was in high school and ended her career as a clinical instructor for our local community college), three daughters married to amazing sons-in-law, three grandchildren, a wide and exuberant circle of friends, and a remarkably active retired lifestyle. This is the American Dream, no?
My sisters and I watched how hard they worked our whole lives. Our family practiced frugality in ways my friends could barely imagine. Sisters and I experienced both the generation and cultural gaps known by all immigrant parent/native born children families. I think we have all come to appreciate and admire how MaBa confidently instilled traditional Chinese values in us, while also fully embracing qualities of American culture that made us better in synergy. Our academic and extra-curricular standards were high, but only because we could meet them easily–expectations were set by our own potential, not in comparison to anyone else. Tigers my parents were not, by a long shot.
MaBa continue to serve as respected leaders of the Chinese community in the region. They are tribal elders now, and I get to 沾他们的光, ‘dip from their light’, in other words, benefit from their positive reputation. People respect me because they respect my parents. It’s a status I gain by their decades of engagement and contribution to helping Chinese people be seen and included in America.
Their story is so much deeper, richer, and more awesome than I can write on a random Sunday night. As I witness my own kids emerging into fully functional adulthood, it makes me reflect on all MaBa went through to get here today. Somehow my own journey through this life phase feels prosaic and unremarkable in comparison, maybe because my parents were always within reach? I could always call if I needed anything. They could always (and did) fly to my assistance in a crisis. They not only created a solid life for themselves; they laid the foundation for my, my sisters’, and our own kids’ advantages and successes. They have set a loving and selfless standard for ancestral legacy, one that I feel proud to uphold.
Thank you, MaBa, from the bottom of my heart. Can’t wait to see you both soon. And I will do better expressing my appreciation from now on. xo
‘Curves’. I’ got more now then ever in my non-pregnant life, my friends.
Thank goodness for writers, actors, and advocates of body shape diversity and acceptance. The concept feels hard to integrate for a culture that pedestalizes Barbie, but we need to keep talking ourselves in that direction with our thinking brains, even if our feeling brains lag a far distance behind. Humans come in all shapes and sizes, and we change with age. The more we accept this fact, while executing the practices we know keep us healthy, the better we will all feel about ourselves, treat ourselves, and treat one another.
Subcutaneous fat is okay, protective, even. Visceral fat not so much. My ratio (as imaged by DEXA scan) is healthy overall, which is reassuring. But I still don’t like how I look a lot of the time in my middle-aged mom bod.
And yet, I am fitter now that at anytime since my 20s, and stronger by far than ever in my life. The leading indicators of my physical fitness land well in the optimal range. Eating indicators less so, but still improve incrementally these days with deliberate, conscious effort (so much effort–or at least mental load, if not consistent action!)
The ambivalence is so real—I’m doing the work, no question. The outcome falls short of desires, frustratingly so. I would like to have a smaller body by about 10 pounds. That was the set point for much of my adult life. About five years and ten pounds on today, I feel my age and family history creeping up on me, and wonder when/whether I will end up on medication for glucose control or other issues. It took me several months to realize that would not be the end of the world.
Back in 2003 I didn’t notice patients expressing shame about starting medications for blood pressure, cholesterol, or glucose. We talked about lifestyle and habit change then also, but when meds were indicated we simply initiated and followed up. It did not feel nearly as laden with social guilt as it feels now.
Today when medications are required to manage any of these medical issues, it’s too often seen as some kind of failure, and my patients ruminate if their ‘metrics’ are imperfect or ‘not at goal’, even a little bit. As if nobody should ever have any of these diagnoses if only we lived the perfect lifestyles; as if those lifestyles are so easy and accessible to us all.
What do our *systems* actually promote? How easily can we achieve 10K steps a day and a low volume Mediterranean diet with long mealtimes to enjoy our organic foods in the loving company of people who help us rest and digest? Who can reliably obtain affordable fresh produce and unprocessed protein, with time to plan, purchase, and prepare all of our meals at home? Who enjoys workplaces and jobs that give us autonomy, mastery, purpose, meaning, and psychological safety so our nervous systems can live not in constant fight or flight mode? In my observation only a privleged and elite few (and fewer of them, these days), and even they struggle with maintaining optimal health a lot of the time.
When the root causes of our dis-ease are systemic and oppressive and yet we blame individuals for failing to achieve ideal outcomes with no support, and the system additionally rewards those who prey on and profit from our fears and feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, our lack of self-efficacy and self-compassion, then we get exactly what we have now: obsession over biometric minutiae without context, compulsion for more diagnostics that then drive oversimplified ‘solutions’ that don’t address root causes, an escalating disparity between those who can afford the quick ‘fixes’ and those who cannot, and pathologizing the normal, while we all lose sight of and connection to what gives life meaning and joy and ultimately makes us healthier.
All of that to say, I think I can be done with the self-judgment over my squishy parts. I have always been the chubby one in the family, I do a ton of work to moderate my indulgent tendencies, and I’m a middle aged, working woman in the urban West. I’m built to withstand famine and I train to withstand stress. I will continue to treat body and mind as the vintage vehicles they are, carrying me each day to meet my people, learn all kinds of cool new things, and live my best life, even if that means I’ got ten extra pounds on my frame. I will strive to get to bed on time, eat more colors, increase the intensity and frequency of my cardio, and revel in what my body can do now. Whatever it will be able to do in the coming decades will be the rewards of my efforts today. And I could still get smaller if I want. I’ got this.
So to all the curvy menopausal mamas out there, I see you. We’re all here doing our best. Let us cheer for and encourage ourselves and one another in our efforts, celebrate the wins (if not for all this work, I’d carry much more than these 10 extra pounds, I say!). What we do to take care of ourselves matters, even if we don’t always see the results we want.
Greetings from Ireland, friends! Delayed post due to travel!
Daughter is here for a five week archaeology/osteology course, on a dig in an old castle–how amazing is that? I took it as an excuse to ‘drop her off’ and spend a few days by myself, walking around looking for bookstores and coffee shops in Dublin. It is positively glorious.
In the past week I have finished about four audiobooks and started a new book in print. After walking over 12K steps the last two days, I think tomorrow I may feel okay about planting myself in the shops I found to just read and write the hours away. Afternoon tea and a hotel gym workout are my only plans. More gloriousness!
Since I have loved so many books this year already, I decided to post a mid-year list, so I can write a little something about some of my favorite ones, if they don’t already have a dedicated post. I feel my book consumption pattern changing a little again, leaning toward more complex stories in fiction/romance, and returning to my psychology interests again in non-fiction. AJ, Donna, and I will discuss The Dealby Elle Kennedy, then Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, and then Outlander by Diana Gabaldon in our next few gatherings.
The first 16 books on this year’s list are left over from prior years. It took me two years to finish listening to 1.The Fourth Turning, and I still want to read it, as the density made it hard to absorb everything audibly. But what a fascinating and prescient concept: the intersections of the four cyclic turnings of Western history (crisis, high, awakening, unraveling) and the four phases of a human lifespan (childhood, early adulthood, middle age, elderhood), how they influence our leadership and culture, and perpetuate the cycles!
I finally abandoned 2. Outlive after three years; got about 70% through, listening at 2x speed, before stopping. I found 71. Spring Chickenbecause I like Jeremy Arthur’s voice and narration style and I recommend both it and 36. The Cure for Everything! (also read by Arthur) before Outlive. Chicken was published in 2015, maybe at the beginning of our current obsession with longevity (subtitle “Stay Young Forever (Or Die Trying)”, and cites many of the same studies as Outlive, though much more concisely and with better storytelling. Cure was initially published in 2011, with updates in 2020 and 2023. Outlive came out in 2023. All three books essentially address the same question: What can we do to stay healthy for life? Timothy Caulfield, an academic and the author of Cure, queried his fellow academics in fitness, nutrition, genetics, and medicine, then followed and wrote about the effects of their evidence-based advice for healthy habits. Bill Gifford, writer and author of Chicken, likewise interviewed researchers in aging and medicine, and also applied credible recemmendations to his own life. In the end both authors conclude that living well and long is not rocket science: Don’t eat too much. Move a lot most days and lift heavy things often. Stay connected to people you care about and who care about you. Enjoy your life. Supplements, complex diagnostic tests, and the latest trends in biometric tracking move the needle very little if you’re already following these basic principles.
My two top priority non-fiction listens this summer areThe Way of Excellence by Brad Stulberg (I still recommendMaster of Change to patients every week) and Inside the Box by David Epstein (I also still recommend Rangereguarly). What I love about these authors is their thoughtfulness, humility, and how they advocate for a mindset rather than a method. And all they’re selling is books, not overpriced products or exclusive, overindulgent services.
On the fiction side, I have already written about my very favorite novels of the year to date: The Crowns Trilogy by Nicola Tyche (29. North Queen, 26. Shadow Queen, and 27. War Queen–the last of which is essentially my comfort audio anymore) here, here, and here. I eagerly await the next two books in this saga, Blood King Parts I and II, which Zach Lazar Hoffman is currently recording. He reads live on TikTok sometimes; how fun to watch my favorite voice actors work! This series continues to make me both feel and think, every time I listen. Like 60. Never After and 74. Something Extraordinary by Alexis Hall, which I have also reviewed here this year, these stories remind me to always put our shared humanity in front when faced with disagreement or conflict. We are all here doing our best trying to get our most fundamental needs met, some more effectively than others. 30. Love Your Enemies by Arthur Brooks also centers on this point–another book I share often and posted about here.
Here at the end of Pride Month, I highly recommend 75. Daughter of Tides by Kit Rocha. Another MMF romantasy I found through Shane East, the premise makes me think and imagine: How would Love incarnate manifest? Shane plays Aleksi, god of Love in human form, who falls in love himself with the sea god and water nymph he intends to matchmake, all while they three defend against unknown assassins in a world of post-war intrigue.
Theo of Golden by Allen Levi, narrated by the great David Morse, started out slow but interesting enough to keep me listening the whole thirteen hours. The premise of sitting down with strangers to get to know them, as the main character does with a widely disperate set of folks in a small Georgia town, intrigued and hooked me. The intertwined relationships and transformations that ensue, and the plot twist at the end, made the long, languid listen well worth the time spent, and I imagine this story will occur to and influence me often hereafter.
Finally, I hope to write here soon about Tea & Alchemy by Sharon Lynn Fisher. Another Shane East performance with Marisa Calin (they also narrate Kerri Maniscalco’s Prince of Sin series–“Think Bridgerton in Hell”–also among my favorites, see 31. Throne of Nighmares), this slow burn, low spice, heartwarming love story between a reclusive, benevolent ‘alchemist’ and a budding tea leaf reader points to all the ways we humans reject and harm one another by default, and how we can choose openness, generosity, kindness, and compassion to overcome those destructive tendencies and make a better world. I have connected with Sharon Lynn Fisher herself, and hope to interview her about the story’s inception and evolution, and what she wishes for the characters and us readers from it.
I don’t formally review all the books I love, much less all that I consume, but I’m happy to discuss any of them with anyone. Which titles interest you from the list below? Which have you read/listened to and what was their impact on you?
Oh, and I definitely recommend the movie Heart of Champions, starring Michael Shannon and Charles Melton. Son and I found it while scrolling our streaming platform and we both immediately jumped at it. Teamwork, leadership, integrity, and resilience: it’s all here, the models and the foils. Tragically evocative, thought provoking, and an excellent conversation starter.
What books and media have got your attention lately? What do you recommend? Happy reading and listening, my friends.
Key: Bold = favorite [Open bracket = stopped but not yet abandoned [Closed bracket = abandoned] –Hypenated = repeat listen; plus –times repeated ALC = Advance Listener Copy
Books & Media of 2026
The Fourth Turning, William Strauss/Neil Howe
[Outlive, Peter Attia]
[The Art of Quiet Influence, Jocelyn Davis
[Born Liars, Ian Leslie
[Connie: A Memoir, Connie Chung
[Want: Sexual Fantasies by Anonymous, Gillian Anderson
[Possible, William Ury]
[Lust for Life, Irving Stone]
[The Biology of Desire, Marc Lewis
[True Love, Robert Fulghum
[Moral Ambition, Rutger Bregman]
[The Well at the World’s End, AJ Mackinnon]
[Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott, PhD
Romancing the Shadow, Dr. Connie Zweig & Dr. Steve Wolf
Careless People, Sarah Wynn-Williams
[Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, translation by MD Herter Norton
Hathor and the Prince, JJ McAvoy
The Daughter of Sherlock Holmes, Leonard Goldberg
Between the Cracks, Helena Hunting
Unwanted Love, L. Steele
The Virgin’s Fake Fiancé, Kim Loraine
A Study in Treason: A Daughter of Sherlock Holmes Mystery, Leonard Goldberg
Better Than a Box of Chocolates, Emily March
The Keeper’s Legacy, Meg Anne
The Disappearance of Alistair Ainsworth: A Daughter of S Holmes Mystery, L Goldberg
–Shadow Queen, Nicola Tyche-4
–War Queen, Nicola Tyche-6
The Order of Time, Carlo Rovelli
–North Queen, Nicola Tyche-2
Love Your Enemies, Arthur C Brooks
Throne of Nightmares, Kerri Maniscalco
Viciously Yours, Jamie Applegate Hunter
Watch Me: Private Listing, CS Berry
–Priest, Sierra Simone
–Midnight With the Devil, Emma Castle
The Cure for Everything!, Timothy Caulfield
Duke of Eccess, Mariah Stone
Tea & Alchemy, Sharon Lynn Fisher
Crescent Kingdom, Tessa Hale
Mountain Fire, Donna Grant
Hidden Potential, Adam Grant
[What the F, Benjamin K Bergen
[The Meaning of Your Life, Arthur Brooks
–Never the Roses, Jennifer K Lambert
American Queen, Sierra Simone
–Sinner and Saint, Sierra Simone—exerpts only
The Coffee Shop, Rosaline Jay
Of Prophecies and Pomegranates, TC Kraven
Of Death and Desires, TC Kraven
–Two Pretty Lies, Kelleigh Claire–1
Cross Me, Geneva Lee
Prince of Seduction, Donna Grant
Holy Hearts, Amanda Richardson
Hollen the Soulless, Sven the Collector, Denali Day
Erik the Tempered, Denali Day
Ivan the Bold, Denali Day
Seaside Serenade, Melissa Foster
–Sanguine, Sierra Simone-4
–The Lady’s Command, Stephanie Laurens
Never After, Alexis Hall-2
The Unwilling Love, L Steele
The Correspondent, Virgina Evans
One Summer Day in Rome, Mark Lamprell
[West of Wicked, Nikky St. Crowe
The Marriage Proposal, Kim Loraine
–Big Deck Energy, Kim Loraine
The Baby Proposition, Kim Loraine
The Sideways Life of Denny Voss, Holly Kennedy
Embracing Hope, Viktor Frankl
[Handmade, Gary Rogowski
Spring Chicken, Bill Gifford
[The Boys in the Boat…, Daniel James Brown
What If I Say Yes?, Harlow Scott, alpha reader copy
Theo of Golden, Allen Levi
Something Extraordinary, Alexis Hall
Daughter of Tides, Kit Rocha
The Good Witch’s Guide to Bad Choices, Sarah Piper, ALC
Healing Through Connection 