Love Is Love

Something Extraordinary, Alexis Hall

Happy Pride Month, friends!

Sharing tonight my review of Something Extraordinary by Alexis Hall, because once again I sit both enthralled and hung over, re-listening to (reliving!) my favorite passages while marking up the hastily obtained print copy, playing or quoting lines to Daughter because I just cannot help myself, I love it so much.

Posted to Audible:
“Wild, hilarious, heartwarming ride of love in all its forms!
“Love is love and it SAVES US. Human connection in any context, often despite our most counter-connecting behaviors, is so much more possible than we think! Not with everybody, but with far more folks than we assume, if we only keep our hearts open and vulnerable enough to risk it. That is what this book reminds me.
I cannot count the number of times I went from brow-furrowingly sad empathy to laughing out loud to clipping a passage for further philosophical consideration, all in the space of a few minutes. Have already quoted, described, and recommended this story to anyone who crossed my path this week.
Ell Potter and Steve West perform all of the characters with distinction and grace, and their voices for the supporting characters even match, making the listening experience that much more delightful. I forwent sleep and life tasks for this audiobook, for the integrated marvel of this story brought forth by the author and voice actors. God bless ‘em.”

Shared on Instagram to both Shaneiaks and my personal account

This is the third book of Hall’s Something Fabulous series. I listened to a long preview of Book One, Something Fabulous, which I did not go on to finish, and I only read the overview of Book Two, Something Spectacular. I think they are not meant to be standalone novels, but I did not feel lost in the least picking up the series at the end. The main characters’ personalities and relationship are clearly established in advance, yet develop and deepen meaningfully throughout this story.

As in Never After, Hall explores sexuality and the social norms that constrain it with depth, compassion, and stark honesty about our capacity for both generous, loving acceptance and rigid, shaming rejection of our fellow humans. The characters’ clever banter, as well as their touching dialogues, both inner and exchanged, bring reader/listener to a much deeper level of empathy and tender, gentle human awareness than most romances I come across. The writing is both subtle and blatant in turn, and lyrical as ever (see below for some choice exerpts).

Human relationships are messy and complex in any context. Holding, honoring, and then navigating the consequences of natural yet unconventional preferences and desires in the face of punishing social pressures is something many of us may not live first hand. Hall’s books generously, humorously, and lovingly provide us with a window into that experience, inviting us all to open our minds and hearts to our shared humanity no matter who we are and how we identify. The story reads deliciously long and languid, topsy turvy, hilarious and tearful, and leaves us wishing all our fellow humans to find love that provides safety, uplift, and peace. Witty, sparkling dialogue and an utterly whimsical plot hooked and enchanted me throughout. But the deeply humane, gentle yet assertive explorations of love, faith, world view, and reconciliation will keep me reflecting and seeking conversation with friends for weeks to come.

Please find my favorite quotes below, and beware the possiblitity of spoilers. I will enjoy these sections for a while yet, and dive deeper yet into Alexis Hall’s other worlds. I bet you’ll see more of their work shared here shortly.
Wishing all a lovely week ahead!

Audible review: 5 stars overall and for performance and story

“…He had wanted from her what he always wanted… what he had spent so many years hopelessly seeking in the bodies of strangers.
“Once upon a time, he would have called it love and asked no questions. But the word seemed bigger and smaller than he remembered–differently shaped and less perfectly fitting. No wonder, then, he thought ruefully, that he had been unable to find what he was looking for, if he hadn’t understood what it was. Perhaps that was why he’d always clung to those who did not want him–willing to do almost anything to ensure they didn’t become someone else who wouldn’t stay–when he should have paid more attention to those he’d let go.”

“There was something strange happening to Rufus’s heart. He normally conceived it as hard and gnarled, like a peach pit. Now it was as soft as the peach itself. ‘I… I’m flattered, Bellflower. I do not think anyone has ever felt jealous over me in my entire life.'”

[Belle] “…’If it is not acceptable for ladies to be coerced into sexual encounters, then it should not be acceptable for gentelmen, either.’
[Sir Horley/Rufus] “‘I don’t mind.’
“‘Don’t overwhelm me with your ardour or anything,’ muttered the highwaryman.
“Rufus glanced at him. ‘I’m sorry. Take me now, you scurrilous devil. Is that better?’
“‘A bit. But could you put more feeling into it?’

“… Strange how quickly you could grow accustomed to things. Even relatively inconsequential ones like sharing space. One would have thought, after long days in a carriage with Belle, he would want distance, not increased closeness. But she had awoken some brutal, terrifying hunger in him, and now he missed the certainty of her body tucked behind him…He missed being held… The cold feet she would plunge mercilessly between his knees as though she had the absolute right to his body heat.
“Since Belle had been shot, he had been clinging to anger like driftwood… until all that remained was fear.
“Particularly useless fear, even by the standards of that specific emotion, because it couldn’t change anything. It could only strike out of nowhere like a snake and fill him full of poison, for he could so easily have lost Belle today… Now, though, it just made him feel a kind of pre-emptive grief. For the possibility of a life he could still not truly picture, and would never have chosen, but which nevertheless gleamed richly with the promise of unimagined, undared contentment.”

[Discussing Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure by John Cleland, a real novel from 1749]
[Belle] “‘Why was it banned, then?’
[Gil, the highwayman] “‘For the same reason most things are: fear and ignorance. In this case, I suspect it has something to do with the fact the book takes as axiomatic that women can be creatures of pleasure just as men can.’
[Belle] “‘And yet,’ she asked, ‘it is not worth reading?’
[Gil] “‘You may if you wish. It’s not really my place to decide for you. Though try not to, you know, fold the pages back or spill beans over it. Very few copies of this book are still in circulation.’
“‘Surely it will be unbanned sometime soon?’
“‘Surely,’ echoed Gil, though he did not sound very convinced on the matter.
“‘Well, the idea of a woman liking sex can’t remain so very shocking, can it? I expect we can figure that out in, say, less than a hundred and fifty years.’
“‘Oh please,’ Rufus swiped his had disdainfully through the air, as though dismissing the decades to come. ‘A hundred and fifty years to concede women are people? Give us two hundred and ten, and we will probably still be banning books and hating each other.’
[Gil] “‘I fear his cynicism is not wholly without merit. But… I shall nevertheless join you in hoping for better from posterity.'”

Embracing Our Discomfort

“How are you, my friend?”

Do you find yourself asking your people this more often lately?
It’s a heavier question today than in times past, no?
What are we really asking? What do we want to know (or not)?
I opened last week’s post by asking, and again today; the redundance feels important and necessary.

It’s Pride Month, and I’m seeing a lot less of the “Wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month” memes now compared to last year, which I’m glad about. I thought about updating my dissent post today, but I think it still stands strong on its own:
“…The best intention of this message, I think, is solidarity and allyship. The impact may be very different. I can imagine someone who feels uncomfortable, for whatever reason, with non-cis/het identity feeling rejected, shamed, and even hated by this message. What response is this likely to engender? How does that make anything better for anyone? How does it advance the cause?
“…If we were all better at embracing our various discomforts (healthy eating, exercising more, being more honest with ourselves and others, having the hard conversations, etc.), at making it safe for one another to engage with and overcome them, how would that feel? How would our relationships and communities be? Right now we make it safe to respond to our discomforts with rage, blame, and dehumanizing. When I see people wishing discomfort on others, I’m disappointed.
“We can do better.”

A friend and I have exchanged messages about the value of discomfort, how it makes us stop and take perspective, how it shapes us and can make us better.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” –unattributed

I still never wish discomfort on anyone. But I’m happy to encourage folks to embrace its inevitability and possibility for growth through it. Let us seek and engage with the worthy discomforts–those which move us through our stagnant assumptions and mental rigidities toward creativity, discovery, and deeper connection. And let’s do it together–mutually supportive and loving, striving always for better understanding, acceptance, and community through the joys and challenges of diversity and inclusion.

Embracing our discomfort often means acknowledging and facing our fears.
Fear is a legitimate and important emotion, required for survival throughout our evolution. Besides pain, is there a more uncomfortable sensation than threat and fear?
Can we recognize when our anger, righteousness, arrogance, disengagement, and even hatred are all founded on unacknowledged, limbic, or even existential fear?
Can we kindly, patiently, curiously, and humbly help one another explore and unpack it all?

How comfortable are any of us with any of this?
How much easier is it to declare categorical truths with certainty and authority, dismissing nuance and complexity, suppressing doubt, and rejecting earnest discussion and debate?

We each get to choose how we show up to our fears, how we cope with discomfort.
Sometimes all we can do is turn around and run the other way. We can deflect or armor up. They’re called ‘defense mechanisms’ for good reason, and the older I get the more I see and accept that we all have them. Each of us comes by our own honestly, and judging one another for them rarely makes anything better. Discomfort makes us squirelly at best, destructive at worst.

What if we shared our comfort with one another?

I messaged a friend last weekend:
“Reconnected with (a guy friend) recently, who is now a transitioning woman and agreed to take me to my first silent book club at a lesbian speakeasy this month! [Mentioned here last week–I’m very excited about this.]
“Omg dear one, our world is so chaotic and uncertain, and yet there is still SO MUCH GOOD in the day to day, face to face, in person connections of love and shared humanity. I hope you feel as surrounded by it as I do.”
Clearly, I feel very comfortable with gender transition.

But I know people for whom transgenderism is extremely uncomfortable, an unfathomable and existential threat to their core values and beliefs about humanity. I sense their acute distress, their stuckness, their utter helplessness to understand or accept the concept and get to peace with it–especially when a loved one discloses and transitions. I wish I could take away their sorrow and anguish. I know it’s not because they ‘hate’ transgender people or wish for anyone to repress their authentic selves. Their discomfort is not rooted in malice. And their experience far and away exceeds ‘discomfort,’ but I use this example to remind myself that humans come to any given issue or idea with a vast variety and complexity of attitudes, histories, and comfort levels.

The better we can tolerate, embrace, and process our discomfort, the stronger and more resilient we can be in the face of adversity and true threats to our survival, I think. And I wish for no one to have to do this alone.
Genuine human connection mitigates pain, suffering, and the extreme discomforts of fear, grief, and uncertainty. It is the most effective balm for what ails our hearts.

So this Pride Month and beyond, when we feel uncomfortable about something, anything, may we reach out with vulnerability and courage ahead of anger and antagonism. May our first instincts be to connect more than to judge. May we meet others’ discomfort with empathy, compassion, understanding, and patience. We can do this even in the smallest encounter, with few or even no words, with the most fleeting of looks. It takes practice. Thankfully, life presents us with the opportunity every time we meet another human.

Reconciliation

“There’s no getting around anything,” Tyler says… “There’s only getting through things… I had to shine a light into very dark corners and just look, just see. See myself, and all the ways fear and guilt had trapped me. And I came to understand something while I was going through it. To be fully human is to be fully sexual. And while that doesn’t mean having sex, or even sexual desire, it does mean being fully in your body. It means recognizing that there is nothing any less holy about your body than there is about your soul. That as long as your body is treated with consent and respect and affection, and that you treat the bodies of others in the same way, there’s nothing inherently sinful about your flesh, about its desires or lack of desires, about what it does or does not do. You do not have the ability to tarnish her or yourself. That right isn’t given to any mortal person. She’ll be no more or less holy for sex. The same goes for the lack of it… Abstinence is asked of everyone at some point in their lives. Maybe a partner is not emotionally ready for sex. Or maybe they temporarily aren’t able… And for some people celibacy is not a struggle, just like fasting isn’t the same struggle for everyone, or giving up money or giving up spare time, or giving up sleeping in late, or, or, or… A life consecrated to God is a life where you give up personal desires to serve God instead. And there’s nothing more or less special about celibacy than there is about poverty, or seclusion, or sleep. And… it’s not always easy to discern God’s desires for us, because he or she wants us to be fully human and love each other as fully human, and that takes as many different forms as can be imagined… No way is any holier than another. Because our bodies are holy no matter what, and our lives are holy no matter what. Monasticism and lay life are just different ways of loving the same god and showing his love to the world.”
–Tyler Bell, Sinner by Sierra Simone

How wonderful when a passage from one book so validates and reinforces the themes and threads of another? And how fascinating to find myself so lost for words to express the profound effect a book has had on me?

Never After by Alexis Hall

I came to this book, of course, through Shane East/Steve West. As soon as he said it’s one of his favorite emotional reads of the year to date, I knew I was in for something special. I listened, purchased a print copy halfway through, then listened again in tandem with reading, toggling back and forth. I have never marked up a novel like this before, and rarely used this many book darts for one volume. It’s my first novel by Alexis Hall, and will not be the last. The way he engages with readers, her openness and directness in their expressions about the world and us humans, and how s/he writes this story–I feel I have found yet another of my people in the love of all of humanity.

This story of male-male romantic love is so tender, so devoted, so tragically loving, so human. The caring and compassion Hall brings to these characters reminds me so much of Sierra Simone‘s reverence for both the deep faith one can have in the divine and all of love’s manifestations in humanity, even as supposed representatives and rhetoric of said divine in organized religion mortally condemn exactly some of these universally human expressions, in works like Sanguine and the Priest Collection.

Such thoughtful and poignant ethical and moral reconciliation through literature, the journey of empathy and compassion, understanding and reverence of and fidelity to our core humanity, is always what moves me most in any story. Looking back, it is exactly this thread that runs through the books I recommend most:
Beastly Beauty by Jennifer Donnelly
Never the Roses by Jennifer K Lambert
The Crowns Trilogy by Nicola Tyche
To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue

These books give me hope for bridging our ideological and political differences around sexual orientation, gender, and all other divergent and/or conflicted arguments about expressions of self and how we each/all choose to present in the world. It is our shared humanity, our capacity for curiosity and openness to the ‘other’, that will save us from causing one another the gravest harm, the deepest trauma, from destroying ourselves collectively. Literature like this humanizes us from the backs of our brains, where our deepest and most meaningful connections to one another live, if we allow ourselves to embrace the characters and empathize with their stories, because they could be any of us.

This historical love story between two complicated men, Thomas an Anglican priest and Micha an opium-addicted prostitute, accompanied by their friend Sheba, a former prostitute and single mother, “is tragically compelling from the start, paced such that we feel every nuance of emotion and plot with wrenching saturation,” I wrote on a Shaneiaks Instagram post.
“Such lyrical and poignant writing, a wrenching and real, unvarnished and eloquent portrayal of the best and worst of us,” I commented on Shane’s Insta.
“Lyrically written with emotional depth that captures one’s heart from the outset, breaking and bandaging, transforming us repeatedly alongside the characters. I listened, then listened again while reading, each pass a deeper and more moving journey. Every page is marked up. Steve West’s incredible care and devotion to the story and his craft shine through yet again, bringing all the characters, including the supporting cast, to life such that we cannot help but love them, in all their broken and imperfect humanity. Keep the tissues close.” –My review on Aubible. So I guess I mustered some words here and there.

Below the next graphic, I list the topics and concepts that stand out in this story. Below that, I have copied the most outstanding exerpts from the book to me–the ones I reread because they lift me in hope and connection. Read at your own risk–they may turn out to be spoilers.

My highest dream for this post is to bring readers and listeners to this story who might have otherwise rejected it. I wish to gently nudge a door open that someone may have thought permanently locked, to invite them (you?) to consider a perspective (or multiple) previously assumed to lie beyond understanding. This story is worthy of our time, our openness, and our reverent, thoughtful contemplation. Thank heavens for authors like Alexis Hall, Sierra Simone, and others, and for performers like Shane/Steve, who bring these stories to life in our ears and hearts, so we may connect on multiple, overlapping levels of consciousness.

May we all tread a little more lightly on one another’s souls, my friends. We are all healing from something.

Homosexuality
Prostitution
Addiction
Religion
Social norms and expectations
Duty
Suicide
War trauma
Community
Self-acceptance
Devotion
Commitment
Sacrifice
Reconciliation
Peace
Innocence
Honesty
Earnestness
Vulnerability
Courage

“Have I looked thus upon other men before? Not to my recollection but perhaps I deceive myself?… There are many who would hold the thinking, itself a sin–ill thought, the brother of ill deed, whether it is carnality or doubt that preoccupies the wayward, imperfect heart. But I cannot believe that. I believe it is freedom of thought and deed that lends validity to moral choice and action… But if we felt no struggle, if we resisted no temptation, of what worth would be our capitulation to moral law, To God’s love? For what benefit free will, if we have not the mind to exercise it?” –Thomas Mandeville

“…But these thoughts, these thoughts that many would call iniquity, come from some part of me that, though only freshly discovered, seems inviolable. How can I repent that which I know to be wrong, yet does not feel wrong? If I am made in God’s image, then surely he make this also?…But mine must necessarily be a limited understanding. Is there not some plan, as I have often claimed to others? Some deeper meaning? But oh, what is it? What is it? I can find no sense in this. And I cannot see the harm.” — Thomas

“...the time will come that he may want to leave–I dread it and anticipate it, with almost equal fervour. When he is gone, I will be free. I will no longer fear myself and my sins…But it does not feel like liberty. It feels like loss.” — Thomas

“If this was strange, Thomas had no way of to judge its strangeness. There was already too much for him to feel and think. Knowledge that he had always known to be forbidden, revealed to him, in all its beauty, like a vision of heaven itself. To be like this, with another man, crowned in falling leaves and sunlight, seemd a blessing beyond any earthly reckoning. His heart over-spilled on the loveliness of it, and happiness–pure and clear as water–ran through all his veins, as riotous as spring after the longest of winters.”

“‘Micha, you must believe me when I tell you I have not guilt for this. No shame. I cannot. I can only thank you, with all my heart and soul.’
“‘I have always tried to live in accordance with my profession. Until I met you, I did not even reailse I was made this way… And it has been quite the loneliest discovery I have ever made.’
“‘I felt so set apart. So lost. Knowing there was a part of me, an unchangeable part of me, that would make others hate me… But today you showed me it need not be so… I can’t begin to tell you how it feels to know you are as I am. And that you like me too.’
“‘How remarkable… that in the vastness of the world, we should find each other. Some benevolence must have guided us together.'” — Thomas

“‘ …I just feel so very blessed…’
“‘You. Being with you. Knowing I am not utterly alone. And feeling, for perhaps the first time in my life, truly myself.’
“‘… I’ve never felt so confident in the beauty and benevolence of the world, and its creator, but I suppose I must be very far from grace indeed, to be who I am, and do what I have done… I presume an answer will come to me in time…’
“‘Oh,… if only we could be married…’
“‘How could love ever be sinful, whatever form it took? So really our only wickedness is fornication. And that is only because we are denied an alternative.'” — Thomas

“‘Well,’ [Micha] returned softly, ‘now we’re both damned.’
“Thomas did not flinch, did not stop touching him. ‘No, my love, that was a sacrament, not a sin…’
“‘We are fashioned in His image, Micha. To love each other is the most intimate communion with Him…’
“‘It’s all connected. There is no shame in love.'” –Thomas

“‘You know,… the strange thing is that I feel closer to God than I ever have, in ways I would never have understood before we met. But I can’t remain a priest…’
“‘It wouldn’t feel right, attempting to guide others to the grace of God, when I would be seen as excluded from it.'” –Thomas

“‘I’m scared. It’s frightening, to be who we are, and want what we want. Even though it’s no fucking different to what they take for granted.'” –Michael (Micha) Dashford

“‘And yet,… if you have never known love, the love of your father, the love–as a parent–you will feel for your child, or even the love for a sweetheart or a spouse, how can you even begin to understand the love of God? A love that’s as gentle as it is strong, as tender and as intimate as a lover’s embrace, as warming and wonderful as that first sip of tea. It seems impossible to comprehend, but it’s the nature of love to be all these things, all these things and more, both in heaven and in earthly counterpoint… And that is what I wish to think about today. The miracle of love, in all its multiplicity.’
“‘The more I live, the more I love, the more I know that this is what I want. It’s what I pray for, above all else. Simply that I may grow in love… That loving Him, and loving the world, is mediated through the ways we love the people around us, as partners and parents and lovers and friends. All love flows together, from Him and to Him. The multiplicity of love keeps multiplying.'” –Thomas

“‘Nobody gets everything they want in life. We all pay prices, make choices, accumulate regrets. There will always be paths we didn’t, or couldn’t, take. But I fell in love with you. I wouldn’t change that, even if I could. Even for every other dream in my heart.’
“‘And your God?…’
“‘ My God made me. He’ll work it out.'” –Thomas