“I have found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most peole have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” —Kristin Neff

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” —Brene Brown

I’m tired tonight, y’all. And this is a big topic. So I give myself permission to stay in the shallows for this post–no deep explorations and hours spent searching citations. Just some honest reflections and aspirations. To learn more about self-compassion and evidence for its benefits, visit Kristin Neff’s website and check out her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. From her website page on the definition of self-compassion:

“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

What’s already good in my self-compassion practice?
–I no longer call myself names. I own that I sometimes say and do thoughtless, inconsiderate, obtuse, and bitchy things. But I don’t label myself with these adjectives. I no longer say things like “I’m being a bitch,” or, “Oh my god, I’m so stupid.” I make clear on my social media accounts that ad hominem is unwelcome. There is also no place for it in my own head.
–I avoid self-indulgence by maintaining compassionate accountability to myself. This overlaps with (encompasses, maybe?) practices in honesty, mindfulness, integrity, forgiveness, judgment, and commitment, all topics to be addressed this month–everything is connected.
–Upholding my own self-compassion helps me maintain my growth mindset. While I allow myself to identify with fixed traits such as ‘smart,’ ‘creative,’ or ‘badass,’ I can hold these labels loosely and also allow for wild imperfection and failure–for myself to be human in all of my smart, creative, and badass endeavors. I am freed to be both wholly all of these things and more, and also a perpetual work in progress.

How could my self-compassion practice be better?
–Explore more the paradoxical polarity of enough and not enough–I am enough as is, and I am also always improving–so what do enough and not enough actually mean? “You are perfect, …and you have a lot work to do,” I read years ago. Love it. Makes to total intuitive sense, and I want to live into it more deeply.
–Look for the still insidious ways self-criticism appears, and hold it with kindness. I know there’s a lot there in my body image, especially as aging accelerates. And when I find self-loathing and -judgment, I can practice my compassion on that, rather than meta-judgment of the judgment, which doesn’t help anyone. I bet I could query arenas where I feel like an imposter; that’s probably pretty good fodder.

How does our society do self-compassion well already?

Awareness. Authors like Kristin Neff, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Richard Rohr, and the Dalai Lama bring self-compassion concepts from esoteric academic and spiritual theory to practical life skills. Their books, articles, podcasts, interviews, and websites offer the lay public copious access to all things self-care, connection, and inner peace. Communities of folks seeking comfort and connection form, mindful presence ensues, and good things happen all around. Like mindfulness, self-compassion is making its way into mainstream consciousness as something to develop rather than to shun and dismiss.

How could we do it better?

Normalize it. The distinction between self-compassion and self-indulgence still needs reinforcement. Being kind to onself in a moment or period of hardship does not mean shirking responsibility, is not a character flaw, and does not lead to a future of fruitless debauchery. Allowing health habits to loosen a little in the midst of life chaos does not warrant harsh self-recrimination. The practice of imagining a friend going through the same challenges and what we would say to them, then saying that to ourselves, really helps here. Oh and we should say those things to our friends out loud, too.

Strengthen Accountability. Even if we succeed in distinguishing the above, I think people still need reassurance that we won’t all become listless moochers just looking for excuses and free rides for everything. As an aside, what is with that cultural fear of ours, anyway? By accountability I don’t mean punishment or shame. I mean owning our mistakes and the impact we have on others, standing convicted not in public opinion but in our core values. Accountability and self-compassion together help us present ‘strong back, soft front’ to ourselves, developing both intrinsic strength and courage as well as openness and vulnerability. Ultimately, the best outcome is that we then present this way to others, offering kindness and also holding them humanely accountable, and our connections and communities tighten in love.

Amplify the Benefits. When we see someone we care about lambasting themselves, we can help. As we show more loving kindness to ourselves, we are more willing and likely to do the same for others. Mercy, grace, empathy, tenderness–can we look individually and collectively inward and see the rewards of offering these to ourselves, and then to one another? It doesn’t take much to imagine, does it? We can start one on one, with people we care most about, whom we truly love. Then we can extend it to strangers, then to members of out-groups whom we may initially and automatically judge harshly by way of stereotype and prejudice. Strong self-compassion practice can translate to recognition of every person’s innate humanity, reframing even our most destructive behaviors in humane rather than dehumanizing light. “The smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in me sees the smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in you.” It all starts with healthy relationship to self.

So was this even coherent? Good night, all, I’m going to bed. Back tomorrow on polarity management, woohooooooo, that’ll be fun.