Hmmmm… This will be interesting–what’s already good and what could be better?

What does the word ‘romance’ evoke for you? Be honest. I wonder how many of us feel a little sheepish, shy, or embarrassed? That we like it, want it, wish for more of it–to receive or to give? Would anyone describe American culture as romantic? Chinese (hard no)? French, Italian, Spanish? Indian? German? What do we mean when we say a culture is romantic? Okay here we go, let’s see what comes out tonight:

How do I already do romance well?
–I embrace the book genre–jumped in the deep end last year, no floaties, haven’t come out, have no plans. I’m making it easier for anyone who talks to me to ‘admit’ that they also consume, devour, and relish it, without shame or regret. I’m a convert, and I’m doing my part to normalize it to the general public. I stand up to those who judge.
–I’m open to all kinds of romance, in all its forms. I wrote to a friend this year, “(The unconventional romantic relationships in these books) validate my desire to question and challenge social norms that stifle the wide diversity of human relational needs, including sexual ones, and how they may evolve over time. These novels help me stay out of the ‘shoulds’ and recognize that health and happiness in any given relationship is defined by the people in it, much more than society’s gaze on them.” Romance helps me stand in solidarity.

How could I do romance better?
–I think the last time I did something romantic may have been before I had kids. I can be more intentional. Better late than never.

How do we romance well as a society?

Alive, well, and strong. As I write this, “Red, White, and Royal Blue” plays on an adjacent window on main-stream TV. It’s a male/male, enemies to lovers story with achingly vulnerable heroes, full open mouth kissing, and sex scenes as steamy as American general TV will allow, based on the 2019 novel by Casey McQuiston. We’ve come a long way, baby.
Stories are how we relate. We ask our elders about their meet cutes, and romanticize them through the rosey lenses of nostalgia. Ideals of romance thrive in our imaginations and acts of love all over the world, every day, between humans regardless of distinguishing features. They thrive despite forces out to choke and beat them out of some of us. Our romantic ideals keep us hopeful.

How could we do it better?

Keep making progress. Looking back in history, we see periods when people were more and less free to express their romantic love for each other than we are today. Human generations live in tiresomely redundant cycles, and we too seldom recognize the ironies that constrain us–puritanical and hypersexualized, taboo and underground, struggling for authenticity and smothered by conformity. Artists know the truth. Hand them the brushes and the bullhorns; hold them up as they speak for us, risking themselves, until we find our stronger, more inclusive and loving collective voice.

I have learned this past year to dramatically expand my definition and application of romance, romantic love, and romantic ideals, in all dimensions of life. I don’t mean throwing away logic and rationality and just submitting to lust and hedonic pleasures. Rather, I advocate for embracing and accepting humans’ fundamental drive for meaningful emotional connection in all its forms. The sooner we fully address these needs up front and out loud, in private and public, the sooner our rational minds are freed to solve problems, rather than futilely suppressing complex feelings and relationships.

ONWARD.