Checking in, friends. How are we doing? *sigh*

I know some of us are still distraught, distressed, and reeling. I sit with you in spirit and hold space for your anguish–I share in some of it, for sure.
Some of us don’t understand the distress, can’t feel with it. I sit with you also because I know you; I know you don’t want anybody to suffer, especially from fear of what has not yet happened (and which you sincerely believe will not happen). I ask you to hold space with me for my friends who suffer now. Because that is the human and humane thing to do.

These three days I have had meaningful and at times challenging conversations with
my Red friend in Indiana
my Blue friend in Chicago
my Red friend in North Carolina
my Blue friend from Chicago who spent time in Indiana this weekend
my Blue Braver Angels friends in Colorado and Illinois
my Blue Dot in the Red sea of Texas friend
my Blue friend in Oregon

I list them now to remind myself that this is what holds me up–connecting to my people. It was hard at times. There were tears and a range of emotions. I realize now that I’m distressed and hijacked most by judgment and lack of empathy. This awareness helps me self-regulate. I know I’m escalating when I stop asking questions, so when I notice this next, I can take a breath, reset, and decide on the next action.

I have a mediator’s heart and mind–I’m a boundary spanner, as a loving teacher once observed. I see, understand, and empathize with both sides of most conflicts, if I’m close enough. People in discord with each other often seek me for an ear and a think. I don’t tell them what to do. I ask about emotions, physical sensations, assumptions, attitudes, words, postures, goals, and trade-offs. What a privilege and an honor to be so trusted–and how reinforcing of my own tendency and reward.

Blue Dot friend reminded me tonight that mediation is not what most people in our national political conflict want. I see us as living in a toxic collective marriage with no exit by separation or divorce. Today feels like that quiet period after a big fight: The yelling has stopped, though emotions remain intense and raw. Exhaustion has set in, and self-righteousness still burns. Nobody wants to apologize or reconcile, defensiveness crouches at the ready, and the despondence of perpetual hostility seeps ever deeper. For me to stand waving the flag of bridging across division in front of certain people right now would be insensitive at best, exacerbating at worst. “Here, let me be the bumper between two oncoming bullet trains,” my friend analogized years ago when I told him I agreed to mediate an unresolvable conflict. I want to help, and my help does not apply in all places with all people. So my awareness must include the spaces and times when the work I feel called to do is not welcome or relevant. I can accept this, because the work is still useful in enough spaces for me to make a meaningful contribution. I’m confident I can find and enter them.

So, what helps? Sleep. Exercise. Nourishing food. Breath work, journaling, music, beauty. Cultivating connection. Self-awareness. Self-regulation. Effective communication. Humility. Curiosity. Kindness. Generosity. Empathy. Compassion. Hewing to my core values and my Why.

Most things will happen without my control or influence. And I am not a victim. I have agency in my response and how I show up for myself and others. This is how I help.

I Hold What Helps for Us. Whatever you need for comfort, calm, connection, and hope, whatever Helps you if you’re in distress, and whatever Helps you Help others in their distress, I Hold it all, for Us All.

Onward in our shared humanity, my friends.