Eureka! and YIKES. 

What is the nature of performance anxiety? Is that what I’m having? Or is it increasing resistance as a magnet approaches that which attracts it at one pole and repels it at the other, until it finally anneals and the magic happens? Truly, friends, this book project is kicking. my. butt.

I talk to patients about habit change every day. I have read the books, studied the methods. I’ve written about it ad nauseum. And there is still so much more to learn and practice! I get frustrated, sitting down yet again and analyzing today, judging my slow and intermittently frequently stagnating progress. 

And then I smile.
Because there is progress! 

I joined Ethos three seasons ago, consistently completing eight strength or conditioning classes per month since then. I had no specific outcome goals at the outset. I just knew I needed to get out of my basement, learn new movements, widen my repertoire. I knew I needed a community for accountability and connection. I trusted the folks at Ethos to meet those fundamental needs, and that my general outcome goals of getting stronger and more fit would be realized with time. And voila, it’s all true. Who knows how much I’ll eventually be able to bench press or dead lift? I’m doing more today than I ever have in 50 years of life, so who cares? All I have to do is keep showing up, bringing what I’ got, and whatever outcome I get will be valuable and worthy of the effort. I sense it already–how my clothes fit, the changing curves and definition, and how I feel–body, mind, and spirit. I also get feedback from others, which is gratifying. It all fuels me to keep going.

As of today, I have completed 14 consecutive days of Sunlight Before Screens, Morning Pages, and delayed caffeine. Thanks again, Shane! Here as well, specific outcomes/lagging indicators are not the goal (what would they even be?); rather it is the practice I’m after. Because I know that a more mindful and intentional start to my day is better for my health and well-being than a mindless and random one. Maybe similar to having my Ethos community for fitness, just knowing that my book hero and fellow fans endeavor, together, to establish and maintain this health practice holds me up? Just like going to the gym, I honestly, shockingly, look forward to getting up early every morning now and cracking open the journal, even if I go to bed late, just to see what may flow from the pen in that unfocused, creative state of my personal daily dawn. I’m only two weeks in, but I perceive significant benefit already: High energy and sense of purpose and confidence; increased attunement to hunger (or lack thereof); decreased craving for coffee (I’ve forgotten all about it a couple times). That last one floors me–I’ve had coffee every day since high school. Years ago when I abstained on non-patient days I noticed a heavy melancholy set in around mid-morning–fascinating, and a little alarming… 
But this morning I made a 70/30 regular/decaf blend to start using every day, and I have a strong intuition that it will be just fine; it’s all part of a concerted yet organic evolution. 
Everything is connected.

For whatever reason (12 days of cumulative creative opening?), this weekend felt portentious for book work. I posted on Instagram. I texted multiple friends requesting energy sent my way for perseverance and discipline. Whatever they did worked, because the ideas and ink bubble and flow with force. The EUREKA moment came yesterday when I realized that I don’t really know what my book will actually be in the end. That was also the YIKES moment–how do you start a project when you don’t actually know what you’re making? I feel an irresistable call to write something, and I have consistently answered that call for over eight years. I know I can write. I know I want a synthesis, an integrated whole of accumulated learnings, ideas, and original conclusions, in the form of a book. But the structure, organization, and specific content that I will publish is actually still somewhat unknown to me, a coy, elusive, and inviting mystery. 
What a strange relief! Because now I can approach it like fitness and mornings.

If I don’t know the outcome, but I have clarity on the process, then I’m free to steward the work with openness, curiosity, humility, generosity, and joy! I can achieve my goal of having a pitch and proposal to present by April 18. I just don’t know, and don’t necessarily need to know, exactly what it will be. Very likely, it will not be what I imagine today. But if I sit BUTT IN CHAIR (BIC) and do today’s work each day, with disclipline and lightness, then I can let go expectations of any particular product. I can trust the process, that whatever turns out will be fine and good, because it will be the result of honest, authentic, deeply committed effort. It will be me, because I showed up every day to create it. How motivating!

I wrote my post on Meaningful Metrics about a year ago now. I think I have shared it with patients almost every week since then. Weight and cholesterol are lagging indicators. Habits are the leading indicators, the concrete, real time metrics that can be monitored, adjusted and maintained, and that have much higher predictive value. I can’t tell you how much you’ll weigh a year from now if you start doing the 7 minute workout. But if you do 7 minutes, three times a week, for 52 weeks, I can tell you that you’ll feel differently, likely better, in your body. And there will also likely be downstream benefits in other domains of your life and health. Focus on the practices; the outcomes will take care of themselves. Trust the process; get help when needed, assess and adjust regularly, and establish effective accountability. 

So if I sit down, get centered, and show up for my book each day, it will show up and emerge for me. I set a concrete product goal for April, tied to relevant things that make the deadline meaningful. But if I focus on April today, I get in my own way. Today is for today’s work. I have interim goals to benchmark, to keep me aware. I can continue leashing the gremlins–the ones telling me I ‘should’ have figured this all out long ago, the voices of perfectionism and un-compassion. Thank you, now go sit in the corner. I have work to do. 
I’ got this.

What are you working on this year? What leading indicators guide you, keep you on track? What else helps? Who’s on your team? 
ONWARD, my friends. The world needs our contributions.