YouTube: Eugene Lee Yang of the Try Guys

When someone is unfriendly to you, how often do you attribute it to your race? How often does the possibility cross your mind?

Since I was a kid this has always been in the background, and it was worst in elementary school.  Second and third grade stand out:  Kids would pull the sides of their eyes up and down, chanting, “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees,” or make fun of my name: “Ching-Chong-Cheng.”  In high school one boy in particular referred to me as “Cheng,” and always said it with a sneer.  It could have been innocent—I found him generally sarcastic and antagonistic in the most annoying way.  When I told him how it made me feel uncomfortable his demeanor changed immediately; he apologized and never did it again.  Looking back, he and his friends referred to one another by their last names, and often in that competitive, confrontational, adolescent male way.  So maybe that was actually his way of including me?  I think he harbored no specific malice, but his impact strayed far from any benign (ignorant?) intention, I think based on my own past experience.  I remember the encounter vividly, and to this day appreciate both my own courage to bring it up, and his willingness to accept the feedback and change.

I think my family and I experienced minimal direct racism as I grew up. But I have always felt self-conscious whenever bad news comes from China, like when babies were dying from melamine-tainted formula, and when thousands of dead pigs floated down a river in Shanghai. I hesitate to even mention these stories here, for fear of negative stereotypes they may incite or confirm in readers’ minds about Chinese people. We humans generalize about and denigrate groups we perceive as different from ourselves, often based on minimal information (and these days, more and more disinformation). When these events occurred I asked my friends, and they reassured me that the news was inconsequential.

Not so with coronavirus.  A close family member was verbally assaulted in the mall a year ago, by a white adolescent girl.  She just walked right up to him, two generations her senior, and started yelling, “This is all your fault!”  How entitled, how arrogant, and how brazen—to think you can just attack an elder stranger like that with no fear of consequence.  That is the privilege of membership in the dominant culture.  Hard for me not to feel defensive and alert to threat, not to mention rageful, after that. 

For the past several years, and especially the past year and the last two weeks, acute awareness of what makes me visibly different, and thus a potential target of prejudice and racism, occupies increasing space in the front of my mind.  Our family just road-tripped to Colorado and back.  Driving through the rural Midwest, I found myself thankful that Husband wore his university hospital, orthopaedic surgery logo jacket into the gas station stores.  I spent as little time inside as possible, made sure to be friendly, and felt noticeable relief every time someone smiled and treated me with kindness, or even just common courtesy. 

This hesitation–the vague and disconcerting paranoia I feel–is justified. It’s not debilitating, but I’m frustrated, annoyed, and angry about it.

* * * * *

How important is it to you that all people, including people of color, women, LGBTQ, indigenous and other marginalized groups, feel accepted and welcome, and treated with respect and dignity, everywhere they go?  How can you help?  Below are my suggestions.  I’m tired, friends.  Whatever you can do in your spheres of influence is much appreciated.

Educate yourself.  See links below to multiple articles and a very well-done video (I recommend the video most) to familiarize yourself with current and historical aspects of the Asian-American experience(s).  Talk to your Asian-American friends, if you have that kind of relationship.  But understand that they may not want to rehash their experiences just for your benefit.  Look for published stories to foster your empathy.  Then, if you can muster it, find ways to tell your friends and any other marginalized folks, “I see you.”

Seek diverse perspectives.  Asian-Americans are not a monolith.  Despite some overlapping aspects of culture, Chinese, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, and all other groups have divergent histories in and out of the United States, and each individual in any group manifests their own unique experiences.  If you’ve met one of us, you’ve met one of us.  Resist the urge to oversimplify and overgeneralize.

Look at your own biases with self-compassion and accountability.  Biases are human.  We all have them.  It does the oppressed no more good for you to self-flagellate over yours, than if you ignored them altogether.  What matter are your awareness and self-management of your biases, and then your ability to help others do the same. 

Commit to doing the work.  This does not mean expecting perfect words and actions from yourself all the time.  We will all open mouth and insert foot; we will all fall into old habits of thought and assumption.  But we must persist; abandoning the work helps no one.  Every failure teaches us, if we let it, and this helps everybody.

Find a supportive community to hold you up and accountable in the work–friends, tribe members who love you through your struggles to reckon with yourself.  These will most often be people who have committed to doing the same work themselves.  Hold them up in return.  This is a group project; we all depend on one another to succeed.

6 thoughts on “#TalkAsianHate

  1. I’m so sorry for your injuries as a young person and the fear your live with currently. During my life I’ve become painfully aware of the biases that inhabit my soul, and I commit to speaking out for the good of others. Please know that I support you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so incredibly saddened by such behavior, but not surprised. The past years have seen me losing faith in general decency from human society. It seems like no matter how much you try to push back against such ignorance, it’s like pushing back against a huge tidal wave. It is just all so incredibly frustrating, and I can simply only imagine what it is like to be a victim of such ignorance, and ignorance propagated by some in leadership positions. All I can say is you have my support as well, even if just as a distant stranger on a blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Mark, I really appreciate your support. 🙂 I hope we can all find ways to make a positive impact, however small, in our own spheres of influence. In my book, any attempt at empathy and solidarity, however awkward, is worthy of appreciation, and all of us have blind spots worthy of exploration and adjustment. Onward!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your experience of telling the boy that his behavior made you uncomfortable and his subsequent apology and ceasing shows us how important it is to help kids recognize and articulate their feelings. I’d like to think that he not only considered his own words and behavior, but maybe even suggested other options to his buddies. I think for most of us, as Maya Angelou suggested, when we come to know better, we do better. For those who choose to be and stay hate-filled and fear-filled, we need to see that they are not rewarded or celebrated for their ignorance. Thanks for sharing your experience and your wisdom, Cathy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Donna! I’m having a lot of conversations about this right now, and it’s so complex. People want to express support and hesitate for fear of being misunderstood or inadvertently offensive. Others want to voice distress and don’t because they don’t want to come across as weak. And so many more hesitations, self-censorship–and the result is further disconnection and isolation. I think those of us standing at the front need to lead, both implicitly and explicitly, with vulnerability and courage, to speak up and out, even if our words or actions land hard or awkwardly. We can train to prepare for those effects, again with vulnerability and courage, to own our impact. And as receivers of messages that we know are well-intended but maybe sub-optimally executed, we can extend a little grace, and respectfully clarify the impact. In these ways, I think, we can all know and do better, slowly, one try at a time. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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