“There are all kinds of courage,” said Dumbledore, smiling. “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom!” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Strength in numbers. Walking onto the volleyball court, toward a protest march, and the living room at Thanksgiving, consider how much braver we feel when surrounded by people on our own ‘side’. The other school is bigger and richer, but we are scrappy and go after every point together. Counter protesters look hostile and potentially violent, but we outnumber them. Our loud cousin carries a foil of sharp political attacks, but my sister and I parry together with aplomb. Though I still feel tension entering these conflicts, the balance between threat and challenge feels more equal with my companions than if I were alone. Comradery makes me brave… It may also make me susceptible to mindless group think, oversimplified binary labeling, and impulsive dehumanization of out groups and their members. There are risks to strong tribal solidarity.
This is why every tribe needs its loyal, internal critics. They make us more thoughtful and help us recognize gaps and inconsistencies in our rationale and actions. They keep us honest and hold us accountable to our professed mission and values. We recognize them by the discomfort they cause in our conscience. It’s worth assessing regularly how we treat these individuals; and most often they are just that—individuals—standing alone, raising warnings and braving our collective resistance, dismissal, rejection, and backlash.
What would it take for us to welcome our internal critics and their valuable dissent more generously?
Doesn’t it ultimately go back to our own inner work? What happens when each of us is just a little more willing to be depolarized? What are we like to be around? How do we act? In my best moments, I feel peaceful. I present as grounded and secure, unwavering in my core convictions, and yet flexible and curious about approach, method, and innovation. As we open our minds, manifest through posture, expressions, and energy, we invite others to speak their minds more often. We hold space, pay attention, and make it safe for diverse perspectives to comingle, integrate, and transform. Our own personal openness lays the foundation for collective inclusion and belonging of each individual, thereby facilitating each person’s signature contribution to the collective growth and good. The We gets stronger as our connections across difference thicken; our weave tightens; our courage grows synergistically.
For a striking example of how putting down our spears can lead to connection and peace, without betraying our beliefs (and in fact making them stronger), read this excellent piece by Columbia psychology professor Peter Coleman, written for Divided We Fall, about the time when Pro-Life and Pro-Choice leaders met in secret in the 1990s:
“…Out of concern over more violence, three pro-life and three pro-choice leaders came together for secret dialogues. They were six women activists who had been fighting against one another over abortion for decades.
“The talks were initiated by Laura Chasin and Susan Podziba of the Public Conversations Project, who reached out quietly to these leaders and urged them to consider meeting with the opposition. They eventually agreed and although the process was initially excruciating, with expert facilitation they managed to continue meeting together for years. Over time, they learned to work with each other despite their concerns for their careers and personal safety. Then, on January 28, 2001, they went public by co-authoring an article in the Boston Globe called ‘Talking with the Enemy.’
“One participant noted, ‘We never talk on our own sides about the shades of gray. When you are involved in a political movement like we are, we are focused on mobilizing the troops and the way you do that is we paint things in the starkest possible terms so that people are moved to act, so they know what to do. We don’t have conversations about things we have doubts about or are more murky.’ The challenges posed by the conversations and the quality of engagement opened the leaders’ minds to previously neglected aspects of their own views, which ultimately changed their approaches to advocacy.”
Consider Liz Cheney, Lisa Murkowski, and Adam Kinzinger, and Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. We may or may not agree with their respective positions and actions. And we can still all admire their courage in standing up to their own teams in service of their convictions and commitments. Of note, they do this mostly without spreading toxic disrespect and vitriol. Such self-control is to be lauded these days, no question.
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Depolarizers practice self-awareness, self-regulation, and excellent query skills. We train to not only tolerate and withstand disagreement, but to embrace and wrestle with it. We do not wish to vanquish our opposition; rather we seek to understand and connect, to find the win-wins whenever possible. We hold relationship in shared humanity above all, and we connect through deep curiosity, humility, empathy, generosity, and respect. We understand the value of internal dissent, and the importance of holding ourselves accountable to our stated mission and values.
These skills apply in politics, and also in every other life domain. How are you already a depolarizing, de-escalating, and connecting force across difference in your life? Who benefits from this contribution of yours? What does it cost you? What makes you willing to pay it? What would make it easier and more rewarding to expand this practice to other domains of your life? What would that look and feel like?
How else should we continue this discussion and practice?
**So sorry for the weird font/formatting, friends–I cannot figure out how it happens or how to fix it!
My spouse came out to me in 2018 as transgender. We married in 1996.
I have been open and willing to build up our “new” relationship.
Her big surgery She transitioned Oct 2021
I believe love carries over these boundaries and I am staying and we are transitioning together.
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Patty! Thank you for sharing! I think of you and your spouse sometimes. Wishing you both and your community well—may all proceed in mutual respect, openness, and absolutely love!!! 🙏🏼