What Makes You Think You Can Trust Me?

My friend, we’ll call her Anna, recently had surgery on her pancreas, and she has generously given me permission to share her story. As soon as I heard she was going, I sat up straighter and paid attention. The pancreas is a sensitive organ, and not a common target for surgery, unlike the appendix or gallbladder. “Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and don’t mess with the pancreas,” they told us in med school.

Doctors discovered a growth on Anna’s pancreas in 2014, when abdominal imaging was done for something else. It was an ‘incidentaloma,’ as we commonly call such findings. She had no symptoms, and further tests showed no abnormalities of pancreas function. Everybody agreed to watch it with periodic CT scans. Fast forward one year, she still felt fine, but the mass was still there and appeared to be growing.

Cancer! What if it’s cancer? This ominous question looms over every unknown growth that we find in clinical practice. Pancreatic cancer is particularly scary, because there is no good screening test, and people usually don’t develop symptoms until the disease is incurable. Anna’s doctors started seriously considering surgery. The pancreas sits in the back of the upper abdomen, behind and outside of the abdominal cavity—not easily accessible. It serves both digestive and endocrine functions, and manipulating it can wreak havoc in multiple systems—hence the ‘don’t mess with it’ admonishment.

What to do? The tumor did not have typical cancerous characteristics on the scan; most likely it was benign. But what if it wasn’t? It was growing, albeit slowly. Would this be the rare chance to catch and cure a cancer, and really save a life? And if it wasn’t cancer, what was it? How long could we safely not know? Which would Anna and her doctors regret more: Operating now, risking complications from the procedure, only to find out it was unnecessary? Or continuing to watch, and realizing when finally forced to take it out, that it had already spread? If only there were accurate and reliable predictive tools—crystal balls and such. In their absence, we are left with incomplete information, and our own (in)tolerance for uncertainty and risk. The key for effective decision making lies in all parties’ self-awareness of the latter, and our ability to communicate it. This can be overwhelming, especially when the situation is complex.

Eventually Anna told her surgeon, “I don’t understand everything you’re telling me, but I trust you and I will do what you recommend.” She said he looked up and sat back abruptly, as if shocked by her declaration of trust and willingness to put the decision in his hands.

How would your doctor respond if you said this to him/her? Why would this surgeon be surprised at my friend’s statement? My patients have told me the same thing. What makes you think you can trust me? I think it’s based mainly on two things: Honesty and commitment.


I tell the truth.

I learned a long time ago that bullshitting my way through a patient encounter is completely pointless. If I don’t know the answer to a question I need to admit it, period, right there in real time. But just because I don’t know, doesn’t mean I can’t help. I know a lot. I can estimate. I can make a well-educated guess. I can articulate my rationale, explain that while I don’t know for sure, this is what I recommend based on the information in front of me, my past experience, and my personal biases (that last piece is critical). If I’m missing data, I can look it up. How often does an unknown pancreatic mass turn out to be cancer, in cases like this? If it’s very seldom, why do I recommend surgery? Maybe because I watched one too long once and I have always regretted it. This kind of experience will always influence my decision making; I’m kidding myself if I think it doesn’t. My patients have a right to know. It’s not weakness; it’s honesty. When you know my biases, you can decide for yourself how my judgment is influenced, and whether you’re at peace with it. When I own both my expertise and my limits, with humility and not shame, you are far more likely to trust me.


I will stand by you, whatever happens.

In order to trust me, you must also feel that I will not abandon you when things go badly. Because if we know each other long enough, something will always go wrong. You will have side effects from drugs. Treatments will not have the desired results. The worst thing I can say to you is, “Well, there’s nothing more I can do for you, goodbye.” There is always something I can do. I can’t cure your disease or bring your loved one back. I can’t make your depression go away. I cannot change your behaviors for you. But I can ask, “How can I help you suffer a little less?” Whether it’s referring you to a specialist or simply sitting with you for a while, my commitment to you, to our relationship, earns me your trust.


And, it’s a two-way street.

Here’s an interesting question: How can I trust you, to trust me? What do I need in order to feel comfortable both driving and navigating on this patient-physician road trip? It’s a huge responsibility, after all. I was honest about how well I know the geography and what I think we can expect on the way. I have made a commitment to be your travel partner, whatever the road and weather conditions. I need to know that you have relinquished the wheel and the GPS in an informed way, and that you will stay in the front of the bus to point out hazards and road signs. I need to know that you will not automatically blame me, or leave me, when we run over a nail and get a flat tire, or hit a deer that suddenly lopes across the road. We each need to take responsibility for our own part in getting to our destination.

Anna’s tumor was benign, and now she’s missing two-thirds of her pancreas. I imagine sometimes she wishes she had asked more questions, or decided to wait a little longer. But I think she does not regret her decision to trust the doctors. Her medical team is still intact and monitoring her appropriately. They may take turns again driving and navigating on her journey.

Trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship. The patient-physician relationship is no exception. It takes time and presence to cultivate. These are big investments, and if we are willing to make them, the returns can literally save us.



20 thoughts on “What Makes You Think You Can Trust Me?

  1. This is such a powerful post, Catherine. After enduring years of miscarriages and high-risk pregnancies followed by depression, I’m pretty much doctored out. I’m so happy I found you here. Knowing there you are here, in Chicago, a doctor I feel I can trust, makes me feel safer again. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a hard post to read as I have lost almost all faith in western medicine. Almost. I keep trying to find the honest primary care giver who will admit not knowing everything, but have pretty much given up. I trust my psych nurse practitioner. That’s enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Sandy Sue!
      Thank you for your comment, and for your patience for this late reply.
      Thank you also for sticking with the post–I know when it’s hard to read something because it brings up difficult emotions. I appreciate your persistence, both with my writing and with your life. Best wishes to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Do you & your colleagues find, Cathy, that many patients are resistant to trusting doctors based on bad experiences? Do you feel you have to work extra hard to overcome those past experiences? I personally think that once people get to know you that they see you’re not like the rest but I wondered if you see wariness to doctors in general on the rise?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Nancy!
      Thanks for your patience–I wanted to reply right away, and then I wanted to take time and write something thoughtful…
      YES, I often see patients whose trust in the whole medical community has been destroyed. I sometimes still feel tremendous pressure to reverse their past experiences, to be exceptionally caring and attentive. But this can sometimes be a trap, because one potential response when people have been disappointed too many times is that they no longer allow the possibility of connecting. So despite a deep desire to connect, they, subconsciously, I think, sabotage the relationship by never being satisfied, or walking away at the first disappointment. This is well described in Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability.
      I have learned that I need to maintain my own boundaries of what I am willing to do to earn someone’s trust.
      It takes time, as you noted, to develop trust in another person.
      I can only be myself, and do my best. Most of the time things work out. 🙂


  4. This is a good perspective for patients to read. I have not been treated by a doctor for many years (thank you ACA) but am navigating the medical system for my aging mother. I generally know pretty quickly if we will pursue a relationship with a doctor. Sometimes it is less about trust–I assume they got all the answers correct on their med school exams–but it is about how they react to mom, how they make certain assumptions based on her age and symptoms, whether they are teaching (KU Med) and/or using mom as a case study. It depends on whether the doctor speaks at us or to us, tolerates questions or shows obvious disdain at any hint of shared decision making. Mom’s GP of many years is famous for treating symptoms and recently claimed she loved my mom (and therefore made good decisions for her?) but after years of her practice, mom’s disease can no longer be numbed with the ever-increasing narcotics. I despise the doctor. After a few hits and misses, we are finally getting to the actual disease and treating it properly–at a huge cost to the now nearly disabled patient and having funded the coffers of a few half-assed physicians. I don’t have to like a doctor to trust her medical advice but I have to see that she doesn’t express an ageist attitude to keep her on the team. At the first suggestion of more narcotics to hide the symptoms, we’re done.


  5. This is a refreshing read. After I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, I briefly worked with an endocrinologist who was cold and did not even bother to call me to let me know I did not have to go to the hospital until I called her office. She had no regard for my feelings, or my scared family’s feelings. Thank you for posting this. It is nice to know some doctors care about their patients well-being.


  6. I’ve had doctors I trusted, especially one who knew how to talk to patients and drew me into the process, That was especially important when I had something that was hard to pinpoint. I’ve moved since then and have entered into much more skeptical relationships with my GP.


    • Hi Ellen!
      Thank you for reading and commenting. If I may ask, what makes your current relationship “skeptical?” Is that okay with you? What would you need for it to be more trusting, and what difference would that make for you and your health?


  7. Pingback: I’m the Doctor, You’re the Doctor | Healing Through Connection

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