Category Archives: mindfulness

Integrity

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Note:
For those of you just joining, I’m doing NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month, a challenge to publish 30 blog posts in 30 days. This is my 9th year of participation, and the theme is “What’s already good, and what could be better?” I answer these questions for myself personally and as I see society as a whole, for one topic each day of November.

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I love how integrity has these two definitions. I think of a person’s integrity more as the second, as one’s character being unassailably indivisible. It means we show up our whole, honest selves everywhere and with everybody, ourselves included.

There is an identity exercise wherein the self is drawn as a flower, and aspects of identity as petals. The flower is modified by reorienting petals depending on the context in which a person finds themselves–most relevant identity markers in front, most protective around the edges–however the person thinks of themselves as that flower in any given environment. I think this is a fantastic analogy for integrity, because it acknowledges that maintaining wholeness does not necessarily require all parts to be equally visible, vulnerable, dominant, or accessible at the same time. I suspect that for many of us, certain petals are kept out, big, and vibrant, with others more tender and close to the center. Roses have guard petals, tough outer layers that protect the inner petals as the whole bloom opens. Many florists remove the guards for aesthetics, but some recommend retaining them, honoring nature’s form and function. Myriad potential comparisons to the human identity flower here tickle my metaphor-loving brain. What would your flower look like? How does it feel?

How do I do integrity well already?
–How does one answer this question without sounding self-righteous and arrogant? I keep thinking I should ask others, “(How) Does Cathy walk her talk?” That is the true test, because self-delusion is real and too often invisible. Walking the talk is how I define integrity, and it is a high value of mine. I think it shows when as a leader, I don’t ask the team to do anything I would not do myself, and I often do whatever I’m asking right alongside everybody.
–I check in often with those who know and observe me. I seek honest feedback and do my best to receive it graciously, so people feel safe to give it.
–I live by a handful of words and ruminate on them daily: present, open, grounded, kind, loving, smart, curious, generous, fun. If you know me and would describe me this way, then I know I’m living into my integrity.

How can I do it better?
–Could I be louder about amplifying my values? Bolder? More assertive and insistent about enrolling others in advancing my just causes? Somehow that feels like showing off, attention seeking, which is not how I think of integrity…
–When I enter situations of ambivalence and conflict, for instance when honesty may rupture relationship, or showing up loving tempts me to withhold honesty, I can slow down and consider, prioritize my values in context, assess risk and harm of each potential action. I think I do this already… At least I practice awareness and acceptance of that discomfort rather than denying or dismissing. I slow down and try not do speak or do irretrievable things impulsively. I can keep practicing this and keep checking in with those in the mud with me.
–I could be clearer and more explicit in times of ambiguity and conflict about which core values I prioritize, what I’m willing to sacrifice, why, and how that informs my decisions and actions. This is transparency and fair process, which are important to me.

What’s already good about our integrity as a society?

National identity and pride. Freedom. Independence. Innovation. Ingenuity. We Americans identify with these values, and despite our many and significant contradictions, I think we exhibit them clearly in many contexts. I hear people from other countries describe how American culture feels liberated/liberating in many ways (though constricting in others). Those contradictions, though, yikes.

In the small ways. I see people trying evey day to live up to/into their ideals. I am very slow these days to call someone out for hypocrisy–I try to imagine their identity flower and assess which petals they’re showing me, and which I think they have tucked away for now. Those ambivalent and conflicting situations happen more often than we may realize, and we literally make tens of thousands of choices each day. Much of our integrity, then, is maybe autopilot? Ooo, fascinating.

How could we do better?

Honesty. It’s okay to be in it for the money, even if your core value is helping people. Just be clear about which of these takes priority, especially when they come into conflict. Make a plan to reorient actions to align as closely as possible as soon as possible, to true core values in the future. Or admit outright that your core values have simply changed. Honesty and integrity go hand in hand in my mind.

Self-compassion. Sometimes it will look on the outside that we have really thrown our values away. For leaders especially, not all aspects of every decision can be disclosed at large. Competing interests and goals scramble our delusions of idealistic, binary, black and white, right and wrong, yes BUT. If we’re really honest, and give ourselves some grace for the hard places we live and work, I think we can find our way more easily to the right, if uncomfortable, next steps.

Psychological Safety. After we have assessed our own morals honestly, drawn our contextual flower as accurately as we can, talked ourselves off the ledge of (or put on some armor to protect against) potential public shaming, and taken some firm, grounded steps forward in our own integrity (tenuous as it may sometimes feel), then we can start to extend these graces to others. Psychological safety in groups spreads more efficiently and effectively if initiated by designated leaders; and any of us can also lead by this example.

It strikes me again now that I did not choose these 30 topics intending for them to overlap so much. Do I just have a dearth of new ideas to express? Or do these concepts/practices intersect so tightly that we simply cannot consider any independently of the others? I think of the human body–we study and practice medicine in quasi-silos: cardiology, pulmonology, infectious disease, endocrinology, orthopaedics, psychiatry, neurology, etc. And yet we all know that none of these systems operates normally with all of the others. I wonder what would occupy each segment of a Venn diagram of any/all of my 30 topics this year? Ooo, that could be fun experiment.

OK on to the next, my friends. It’s late and I’m running out of gas. Accountability tomorrow. Oh yeah, that’s gonna be a good one. 😉

Social Media

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It’s not evil! Like any vehicle, however, it can get hijacked for doing some pretty evil things. Let us use it for the purposes that serve us, perform regular maintenance, buckle up, stay alert, and drive safely, yes?

How do I do SoMe well already?
–I’m intentional about contacts. Since the outset on Facebook, I only extend and accept ‘friendship’ with folks who are already my friends in real life, or with whom I wish to cultivate real life friendship. Dawn and I became friends on FB, and met in person when she came to Chicago to promote her book, Eat Everything, which I recommend for us all! Heatherf and I met in Shaneiaks, met in August, and plan to gather this month and in April. I met Nicole and Jay/Janet on Ozan’s Inner Circle before he dissolved it. I have yet to meet these friends in person, but we all regularly. The young people don’t use Facebook so now I’m on Insta, connecting with my gym friends–so this is how people lived when I was in residency??
–I post intentionally–most of thet time. I’m getting much better at resisting click bait and vetting sources. I share to provoke thought, love, laughter, and connection.
–I engage respectfully and with purpose. I monitor my own accounts and do not tolerate shitty comments. I avoid complex exchanges that deserve nuance.
–I learn so much! Thanks to Daughter I recognize the voices of Thomas Sanders, Strange Aeons, Miniminuteman, B Dylan Hollis, Cinema Therapy, Dropout, Hank Green, the Try Guys, and Overly Sarcastic Productions. They are all fun and educational, and like Brene Brown, Adam Grant, Simon Sinek and Daniel Pink, these creators know one another and collaborate. History, archeology, STEM, psychology, film making, LGBTQI+ awareness, and random things I never knew–it’s all here!

How could I do it better?
–Limits limits limits. This weekend I realized that I’m afraid to start eyeball reading in case I can’t put the book down and accomplish other tasks (like write my 30 blog posts). And yet (duh-HA!) that’s exactly what happens when I get on those two little apps–‘remind me again in 15 minutes’ is not a deterrent. Working on it, and maybe making progress very recently… Just think of how many more books I could read–that’s motivation!

How is Social Media already good in society?

Connection. When I graduated high school I thought I’d know only a handful of people afterward. Facebook came online between our 10 and 20 year reunions, allowing us to bypass the ‘update’ conversations and enjoy one another so much more deeply since then. Old friends, new friends, family, support and interest groups–the potential for finding and maintaining meaningful tribe and connection bends the mind. I’m so grateful for these possibilities for us all.

Information. See above on learning. When I share something sketchy, I have reliable friends to correct me. I gain exposure to perspectives and literature that I would not otherwise find on my own, such as Brad Stulberg, Gabor Mate, Ryan Holiday, Zachary Zane, and Jacob Knowles. If nothing else, I can see how others use the platforms, which is often extremely instructive.

How could it be better?

Connection. Virtual connection is not necessarily real connection. Meaningful contact over the internet requires acute and specific attention, intention, and reflection. Huh, kinda like interacting in real life, no? I submit that though the format and platform is different, we can still think of and use social media as simply a vehicle of real human relationship. It seems to have similar flaws and pitfalls as any other innately human endeavor attempted at scale… Assuming the algorithms don’t change, how can we, individually and collectively, move toward more mindful and reliably meaningful connection on the socials?

Information. Vet our sources, yes. But what if we don’t trust the conventionally trusted informants? Does this go back to the connection question? Confirmation bias may be simultaneously the most notorious and stealthy hijacker of our rational brains and subsequent interactions, online and then real life conflict turbo jet fueled by emotional click bait of overgeneralized, oversimplified, inflammatory, and embelished sound bites. Yikes. What steering wheel clubs and guardrails can we use here? Or will just tolerate a wasteland of inescapable virtual relational car wrecks all over the place?

*sigh*

So much coincident potential for benefit and risk for harm. GAAAH.
Mindfulness. Agency. What other skills need we to use this impactful tool, rather than be used by it?

Forgiveness

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ACK. I did not think too hard choosing these 30 topics. My mindset was lighthearted and experimental. Maybe my subconscious got a foot in the door, though, as I don’t usually think much about forgiveness, and yet here it appears, on the top half of the list. Huh.

What does this topic bring up for you? My reaction depends on my mood. When I’m feeling good about myself, all equanimatous-like, forgiveness lands lightly, naturally. When I’m feeling inadequate it falls heavy, exacerbating unworthiness and maybe a little anxiety? How fascinating. I’m here for it, though, however it shows up.

How do I do forgiveness well already?
–I think I’m overall a pretty forgiving person. I try to understand others’ perspectives and motivations, and that empathy helps me resist and release grudges.
–I can forgive even after I’ve held a grudge for a while. Just today, on the floor at the gym, thinking about how I could do polarity management better, the biggest duh-HA epiphany in a while hit me smack in the face. And now I feel real forgiveness coming on in a longstanding conflict. Wow.
–I apologize readily, sincerely, clearly, and appropriately; I seek forgiveness when I have wronged someone. It’s not always freely granted, which I do not resent. I know what that resistance feels like, after all. I can find other ways to repair a relationship rupture, and I can be patient.

How could I do forgiveness better?
–Even when my thinking brain knows it’s not all my fault, sometimes my feeling brain continues to self-flagellate. I suffer from this, no doubt, and I also think it’s not good for my relationships, but that impact is subtle and nebulous. This is where my self-compassion skills could be honed a bit more, yes.
–Where else am I withholding forgiveness? What skills do I need to call forth to address this? I’m thinking more of groups now than individuals, the automatic and default assumptions I make about agents of culture, leaders, out groups. How fascinating, the recurring themes this month. Mindfulness, Honesty, Relationships–everything connects to everything else.
–Could I possibly encourage and facilitate forgiveness around me, between people I know in conflict with one another? That feels prickly, like it is neither my responsibility nor my place. Still, I can imagine small opportunities arising in confidence, which I trust myself to sense and respond to –mindfully.

How does society forgive well already?

Rehab. On a collective level for certain things, we have great capacity for forgiveness and re-enfranchisement. It’s beyond the scope of this post to address why we do this more easily for, say, alcoholism than prostitution, or adultery by men more than by women. But I’m glad to see examples of successful societal forgiveness more than I expected. Yay.

Reconciliation. Speaking of adultery..or infidelity… According to the Institute for Family Studies, 53% of people who had cheated in their marriage were married in 2010-2016, though some of these may be remarriages. That’s compared to 70% of people who have never cheated. Of course we cannot generalize about what’s happening in each affected couple and family. But I have observed multiple cases of true reconciliation after infidelity, and that encourages me.

How could we forgive better collectiely?

Reform Crime and Punishment. People who break the law are not necessarily bad people. People who harm others must be held to account, no question. Punishment should fit the crime–it’s not clear to me how much this is true in our society. Certainly incarcerated people should be treated as fully human and given opportunities to re-enter society with a better chance of staying out of jail than when they entered. Even the serial killer, who has forfeited the right to rejoin society, does not deserve to have their humanity taken away by fellow humans. Compassionate and Humane Accountability. What would society look like if we lived these words even a little better?

Mitigate Righteous Moral Judgment. “It’s just wrong.” There are far fewer absolutes in life than most of us think. Past experiences/traumas and volatile circumstances wildly alter our goals and tolerances, too often in ways we cannot nearly comprehend in real time, making us think, feel, speak and act in ways we may never do otherwise. Judge me at my worst, and your judgment is bound to be incomplete. Throw me away, dehumanize me from your most self-righteous ideology–why? What do you gain? Truthfully, we all lose when we do this to one another. We can do better.

Deep breaths, friends. Love first.