Hello from Rome, friends! Late to post this week as I traveled yesterday and could not get my act together to write this in advance–and it’s not even that much writing! Better late than never, though, right?

Saturday, March 8 was International Women’s Day. I saw so many messages on my social media feeds encouraging and uplifting women.

By far the most moving came from AJ, also known as @ajthisway on Instagram. AJ creates audio erotica on the Quinn app, among many other things, and will donate all of the proceeds from his audios this month to HeForShe, the United Nations Global Solidarity Movement for Gender Equality. Watch his reel explaining why this cause resonates with him and his fan community here.

It reminded me of a post I wrote referencing HeForShe, and when I looked back on the blog, it was almost ten years ago. Then I recalled other posts I have written about gender and allyship, and I thought this would be a great opportunity to gather a few in one place. I’ll list them here with some brief exerpts. I will continue to write about relationship in general, and maybe more on men and women in particular in the coming year. For now, please enjoy (or remember!) ideas that have appeared among the 680 posts on this blog to date.

How have your ideas, opinions, biases, words, and actions around gender and equity evolved in the last ten years? I have not spent time to really answer this question; maybe I’ll think about it this week on vacation, as I soak up Rome with Daughter. So much history, a fantastic city where our past, present, and future intersect! Onward, my friends!

He for She, We for Us, October 27, 2015
“As women, in our conscious minds, we know our worth and our contribution.  We know we have an equal right to our roles in civilization.  And, at this point in our collective human history, we feel the need to defend those roles, to fight for their visibility and validity.  More and more people now recognize that women need men to speak up for gender equality, that it’s not ‘just a women’s issue,’ but rather a human issue, and that all of us will live better, more wholly, when all of us are treated with equal respect and opportunity.  The UN’s He for She initiative embodies this ideal.
“We all matter, and we all have a unique role to play.  Nobody is more important than anyone else, and nobody can do it alone.
“We need to take turns leading and following. That is how a cooperative tribe works best.  It’s exhausting work, challenging social norms and moving a culture upward.  And we simply have to; it’s the right thing to do.”

Even the ‘Oppressor’ Deserves Safety and Support, July 6, 2020
“The more I think about it, the more I wish everybody had this kind of safety and support—this loving learning lab and community—to acquire scary new skills that, when practiced, benefit many more people than just us learners.
“I imagine this may be what participants in the White Men’s Caucus feel. Read all about it in Four Days to Change, which I started and finished in about three sittings… It provides a unique and profoundly important perspective on the true meaning of inclusion, that is, white men absolutely need to be included in leading and benefiting from systemic change for equity, not just passively doing the changing for others’ sake. During the Caucus retreat, white men are both challenged and supported to dig deep into their own privilege. Inescapable mirrors of truth and profound discomfort, and also of love and compassion, surround them for four days. They are expected to feel tremendous guilt and shame, both natural emotions that occur on the path of self-discovery and humility. But rather than weaponizing these feelings, facilitators love the attendees through them, shepherding them through the emotional (shit)storm to a place of self-compassion and forgiveness. This is where their outward humility, openness, and sincere advocacy for inclusion and diversity take root—because they experience it first hand from their teachers and peer learners. Leadership is hard enough, but leading initiatives in diversity, equity, and inclusion is a whole other dimension of complexity. How can we expect any leader, white male or otherwise (but white males especially), to do it well alone, without a core peer group willing to hold their feet to the fire with both love and conviction?”

White Male Allies, Please Do This, March 10, 2024
“So men: how are you helping?
“It’s more effective if you come alongside rather than come at. Berating, lecturing, or shaming fellow men to take a hard left from their stereotypes, implicit biases, and internalized misogyny hardly ever works. Rather, use your influence more quietly. Lead by example with your words and actions to the slow off-ramp of self-awareness, self-regulation and movement toward gender equality. Be gentle. Plant the seeds. Water, water, light, fertilize, water, light, water.. and eventually we can repot.
“Scale your influence by connecting with other exemplary leaders. Culture change occurs mostly from the top down, and CHCWMs [cis-het Christian white males] are the CEOs of American culture.”

The Complexity of Allyship, March 13, 2024
“Allyship carries cost. The first costs of thoughtful, intentional allyship are emotional and mental.
“The next costs are relational, and then reputational, financial, professional–myriad. The more visible we are, the greater the potential risks of taking a stand, staking a position. If we hold a designated or implicit leadership role in the community (and I would argue that we all/each lead in some way, know it, like it, want it or not), our choices and their potential consequences are that much more complex. For someone whose livelihood depends on maintaining relationships despite conflict, costs can be high in multiple ways. Choosing between one’s ethics and paying the bills never feels good, and we never know when someone may be in that situation. We must all decide for ourselves, in real time, the risks and costs we can bear. Not everyone stands in a position to decline work or dissent safely. Conscience and context often conflict. We each make our own decisions, and in the end, we must live with ourselves—our choices, our relationships, our regrets. Judging others for doing differently from us serves no useful purpose.”

Holding Allyship, November 17, 2024
–Hey, turns out I did a curation of my allyship posts recently! This post includes the posts above, and others:
“Google’s AI overview of the term:
“Allyship is a social justice activism term that describes the actions taken by people in positions of privilege to support marginalized groups: 
Definition: Allyship is a lifelong process of building relationships with marginalized groups based on trust, consistency, and accountability. It’s an active practice of unlearning and re-evaluating one’s own privilege and working to operate in solidarity with marginalized groups. 
“I have written about allyship before, and I have another post drafting for later. Tonight I pull the existing catalogue together from 2016 to 2024, so I have it consolidated to reference hereafter. I imagine my own allyship posture and movements will evolve over time, as everything does. Looking back helps to frame where I came from and where I’ve been, and hopefully shows me where I still need to learn and improve.”