Monthly Archives: November 2023

Social Media

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It’s not evil! Like any vehicle, however, it can get hijacked for doing some pretty evil things. Let us use it for the purposes that serve us, perform regular maintenance, buckle up, stay alert, and drive safely, yes?

How do I do SoMe well already?
–I’m intentional about contacts. Since the outset on Facebook, I only extend and accept ‘friendship’ with folks who are already my friends in real life, or with whom I wish to cultivate real life friendship. Dawn and I became friends on FB, and met in person when she came to Chicago to promote her book, Eat Everything, which I recommend for us all! Heatherf and I met in Shaneiaks, met in August, and plan to gather this month and in April. I met Nicole and Jay/Janet on Ozan’s Inner Circle before he dissolved it. I have yet to meet these friends in person, but we all regularly. The young people don’t use Facebook so now I’m on Insta, connecting with my gym friends–so this is how people lived when I was in residency??
–I post intentionally–most of thet time. I’m getting much better at resisting click bait and vetting sources. I share to provoke thought, love, laughter, and connection.
–I engage respectfully and with purpose. I monitor my own accounts and do not tolerate shitty comments. I avoid complex exchanges that deserve nuance.
–I learn so much! Thanks to Daughter I recognize the voices of Thomas Sanders, Strange Aeons, Miniminuteman, B Dylan Hollis, Cinema Therapy, Dropout, Hank Green, the Try Guys, and Overly Sarcastic Productions. They are all fun and educational, and like Brene Brown, Adam Grant, Simon Sinek and Daniel Pink, these creators know one another and collaborate. History, archeology, STEM, psychology, film making, LGBTQI+ awareness, and random things I never knew–it’s all here!

How could I do it better?
–Limits limits limits. This weekend I realized that I’m afraid to start eyeball reading in case I can’t put the book down and accomplish other tasks (like write my 30 blog posts). And yet (duh-HA!) that’s exactly what happens when I get on those two little apps–‘remind me again in 15 minutes’ is not a deterrent. Working on it, and maybe making progress very recently… Just think of how many more books I could read–that’s motivation!

How is Social Media already good in society?

Connection. When I graduated high school I thought I’d know only a handful of people afterward. Facebook came online between our 10 and 20 year reunions, allowing us to bypass the ‘update’ conversations and enjoy one another so much more deeply since then. Old friends, new friends, family, support and interest groups–the potential for finding and maintaining meaningful tribe and connection bends the mind. I’m so grateful for these possibilities for us all.

Information. See above on learning. When I share something sketchy, I have reliable friends to correct me. I gain exposure to perspectives and literature that I would not otherwise find on my own, such as Brad Stulberg, Gabor Mate, Ryan Holiday, Zachary Zane, and Jacob Knowles. If nothing else, I can see how others use the platforms, which is often extremely instructive.

How could it be better?

Connection. Virtual connection is not necessarily real connection. Meaningful contact over the internet requires acute and specific attention, intention, and reflection. Huh, kinda like interacting in real life, no? I submit that though the format and platform is different, we can still think of and use social media as simply a vehicle of real human relationship. It seems to have similar flaws and pitfalls as any other innately human endeavor attempted at scale… Assuming the algorithms don’t change, how can we, individually and collectively, move toward more mindful and reliably meaningful connection on the socials?

Information. Vet our sources, yes. But what if we don’t trust the conventionally trusted informants? Does this go back to the connection question? Confirmation bias may be simultaneously the most notorious and stealthy hijacker of our rational brains and subsequent interactions, online and then real life conflict turbo jet fueled by emotional click bait of overgeneralized, oversimplified, inflammatory, and embelished sound bites. Yikes. What steering wheel clubs and guardrails can we use here? Or will just tolerate a wasteland of inescapable virtual relational car wrecks all over the place?

*sigh*

So much coincident potential for benefit and risk for harm. GAAAH.
Mindfulness. Agency. What other skills need we to use this impactful tool, rather than be used by it?

Forgiveness

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ACK. I did not think too hard choosing these 30 topics. My mindset was lighthearted and experimental. Maybe my subconscious got a foot in the door, though, as I don’t usually think much about forgiveness, and yet here it appears, on the top half of the list. Huh.

What does this topic bring up for you? My reaction depends on my mood. When I’m feeling good about myself, all equanimatous-like, forgiveness lands lightly, naturally. When I’m feeling inadequate it falls heavy, exacerbating unworthiness and maybe a little anxiety? How fascinating. I’m here for it, though, however it shows up.

How do I do forgiveness well already?
–I think I’m overall a pretty forgiving person. I try to understand others’ perspectives and motivations, and that empathy helps me resist and release grudges.
–I can forgive even after I’ve held a grudge for a while. Just today, on the floor at the gym, thinking about how I could do polarity management better, the biggest duh-HA epiphany in a while hit me smack in the face. And now I feel real forgiveness coming on in a longstanding conflict. Wow.
–I apologize readily, sincerely, clearly, and appropriately; I seek forgiveness when I have wronged someone. It’s not always freely granted, which I do not resent. I know what that resistance feels like, after all. I can find other ways to repair a relationship rupture, and I can be patient.

How could I do forgiveness better?
–Even when my thinking brain knows it’s not all my fault, sometimes my feeling brain continues to self-flagellate. I suffer from this, no doubt, and I also think it’s not good for my relationships, but that impact is subtle and nebulous. This is where my self-compassion skills could be honed a bit more, yes.
–Where else am I withholding forgiveness? What skills do I need to call forth to address this? I’m thinking more of groups now than individuals, the automatic and default assumptions I make about agents of culture, leaders, out groups. How fascinating, the recurring themes this month. Mindfulness, Honesty, Relationships–everything connects to everything else.
–Could I possibly encourage and facilitate forgiveness around me, between people I know in conflict with one another? That feels prickly, like it is neither my responsibility nor my place. Still, I can imagine small opportunities arising in confidence, which I trust myself to sense and respond to –mindfully.

How does society forgive well already?

Rehab. On a collective level for certain things, we have great capacity for forgiveness and re-enfranchisement. It’s beyond the scope of this post to address why we do this more easily for, say, alcoholism than prostitution, or adultery by men more than by women. But I’m glad to see examples of successful societal forgiveness more than I expected. Yay.

Reconciliation. Speaking of adultery..or infidelity… According to the Institute for Family Studies, 53% of people who had cheated in their marriage were married in 2010-2016, though some of these may be remarriages. That’s compared to 70% of people who have never cheated. Of course we cannot generalize about what’s happening in each affected couple and family. But I have observed multiple cases of true reconciliation after infidelity, and that encourages me.

How could we forgive better collectiely?

Reform Crime and Punishment. People who break the law are not necessarily bad people. People who harm others must be held to account, no question. Punishment should fit the crime–it’s not clear to me how much this is true in our society. Certainly incarcerated people should be treated as fully human and given opportunities to re-enter society with a better chance of staying out of jail than when they entered. Even the serial killer, who has forfeited the right to rejoin society, does not deserve to have their humanity taken away by fellow humans. Compassionate and Humane Accountability. What would society look like if we lived these words even a little better?

Mitigate Righteous Moral Judgment. “It’s just wrong.” There are far fewer absolutes in life than most of us think. Past experiences/traumas and volatile circumstances wildly alter our goals and tolerances, too often in ways we cannot nearly comprehend in real time, making us think, feel, speak and act in ways we may never do otherwise. Judge me at my worst, and your judgment is bound to be incomplete. Throw me away, dehumanize me from your most self-righteous ideology–why? What do you gain? Truthfully, we all lose when we do this to one another. We can do better.

Deep breaths, friends. Love first.

Polarity Management

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Yes, AND.

This is the central tenet of polarity management. It’s about holding divergent and apparently opposing ideas or positions at the same time, understanding that their relationship is actually complementary and mutually strengthening rather than perpetually conflicting. Masculine/feminine, individual/collective, conservative/progressive, strong/soft, diplomacy/candor, top down/bottom up–what else? Can we frame any two antagonistic ideas in an infinity polarity loop of inextricable relationship? I say yes. Because it puts us into novel perspectives, prompting a mindshift into possibility, creativity, and connection.

I am waiting on permission to use a seminal image from Polarity Partnerships, the organization founded around the idea that in any polar dichotomy, there is a dynamic flow and balance between the advantages and disadvantages of focusing energy and action on either pole. When we can maximize the benefits and minimize the costs of each pole, then leadership and organizations thrive. It’s much easier to show than tell; fingers crossed I’m allowed to share the image; check out their homepage and you will see what I mean.

13 November 2023: Here it is!

Polarity Map® is a registered trademark of Barry Johnson & Polarity Partnerships, LLC. Commercial use encouraged with permission.

How do I already manage polarities well?
–Since I learned the concept during leadership training in 2019, I now think easily in complementary polarities. I was primed c.2000 when my residency classmate introduced me to “Yes, AND”. She took an improv class and invited me to play a game in the workroom. Thanks, Carol! Now whenever I feel an initial resistance or opposition to something, I look for the juxta(op)position that gives that two-sided coin perspective.
–Polarity management and trade-offs feel related to me. I think in terms of the latter more and more, also since 2019, when I read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. At the end of an elderly life, there is often tension between independence (goal of the elderly) and safety (goal of their family), and a peaceful end of life usually means compromises on both sides. Increasingly as I counsel patients on habit change, I acknowledge that trade offs will be necessary, and only they can define and decide which are and are not worth making, based on their values and goals. I find that approaching behavior in this way eliminates judgment, and also opens the door for flexibility and evolution without (or with less) regret. It is simply flow and growth.
–I definitely parent better from an integrated polarity perspective. Mostly it’s about letting go and hanging on, advising and commanding, that delicate and heavy handed balance. I tend toward a laissez faire parenting style, which risks the kids feeling neglected if I lean too far into my default. I’m getting better at seeing the pitfalls, and I still have some work to do.

How could I manage polarities better?
–Some people in my life prioritize their values and goals very differently from me. I sometimes sit in rigid judgment of this, dismissing their perspective as inferior in some way. I can do better at recognizing the benefits of having these people around to balance and bend my hard biases.
–I will look for strong polarity integration around me and call it out/forth. I will reinforce and amplify it. I will do my part to make both/and thinking, speaking, and leading visible, and move it into mainstream mindset.

How do we already manage polarities well as a society?

We don’t.

How could we do it better?

Where do you see successful, collective, Yes, AND in action?
I can think of two organizations that walk the talk.

Polarity Partnerships.
“In today’s world of increasing interdependency and complexity, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND both/and thinking to address your most strategic challenges and opportunities. The research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Polarities well outperform those that don’t. Discover how to leverage your most strategic Polarities (AKA paradox, wicked problems, chronic tensions, dilemmas, etc.) to become more innovative, agile, profitable and competitive immediately and over time.”

Braver Angels.
“Our mission: Bring Americans together to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.”
“We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
“We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
“We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
“We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
“We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
“We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
“We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
“In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently.”

Every once in a while I read an article that does it well–not only describing two poles but explaining why each is/both are necessary and good relative to the other, and the importance of balance and flow between them. It’s pretty rare.

For practical application and guidance, I highly recommend Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis.

Like so many life practices I consider this month, polarity management and navigation is transformational and liberating. I had not realized it so starkly until now. When I get out of either/or, “Yes, BUT,” and “You suck,” accept what is and look for mutually complementary balancing points, new and useful insights almost always follow. My way out of conflict emerges faster and more clearly, and my relationships get stronger along the way. Very cool.