“How am I the asshole here?”
How often do we ask ourselves this question, let alone answer, and do so honestly? I can think of few more uncomfortable exercises. And yet, the world really needs us to do it more, each and all of us. I’m not saying we’re all assholes. I’m saying we all need to get better at owning our shit, and holding one another accountable for doing it.
How am I already honesting well?
–I ask myself the asshole question all the time. It’s humbling, no doubt. And that is the point. I keeps me mostly out of rampant self-righteousness and blame of others for any given conflict. I still tell my at-least-partially justifiable stories of injustices done to me, and I am also forced to admit injustices I perpetrate on others. This practice saves my relationships from impulsive disconnection. Taken too far, I easily fall into shame and self-loathing, but I have learned to mitigate this over the years.
–I practice loving rather than brutal honesty as much as I can. Bad news, difficult feedback, and the like are hard enough to receive, without the messenger also showing up cold and indifferent. I don’t sugar coat; I do my best to show that I see someone’s strengths and contributions as well as the things that need work. I stick to objective facts and my interpretation of them, not as truth but as perception and extrapolation, which can be modifed through questioning and deeper understanding through discussion.
–I scrutinize the stories I tell about other people, and I check in. Especially if I have an acute or disproportionately emotional reaction to something or someone, I call on the tribe, describe the event, and ask for feedback. I consistently get validation of my experience and emotions, as well as a loving challenge to consider alternate perspectives, which always makes me better.
How could I do better?
–Revise my narratives–again. Not just about individual people–my personal biases and judgments–but about groups, society, our nested and overlapping cultures. I think this is about challenging the stereotypes I hold, especially the deepest ones, which I notice more easily and admit more readily now than in the past. I can acknowledge their presence without judgment, as they are not intentionally malicious; I can simply monitor and choose not to act on them.
–Continue to query the origins of my own attitudes, prejudices, and behaviors, especially if they hinder my ability to relate and connect with others. Face them head on; reconcile them with my core values with self-compassion; commit to acting in accordance with the insights gained.
–Seize opportunities to provide honest feedback, especially the positive kind, in real time. For negative feedback, consider thoughtfully (“THINK”) whether providing it will serve the relationship or the person’s goals. Not all feedback is necessary or useful.
How does our culture already do honesty well?
Food labels. As a family with anaphylactic food allergies, we really appreciate this.
Books, film, entertainment. Sometimes it’s just easier and more effective to show than to tell. When we read novels or watch movies depicting the experiences of people very different from ourselves, somehow we are more open to empathizing and understanding than if we attended a lecture or read articles. We are less likely to form and express arguments as to why someone’s experiences are not valid, that they should not feel how they feel, that our biases and stereotypes are, in fact, correct and reliable. In moments of vulnerability on our part, we can see the cracks in our self-delusions. Fiction is one of the most honest forms of communication, if we pay attention. We can challenge our biases indirectly and in the privacy of our own thoughts, shown to us vicariously. How pleasingly ironic.
How could we do better?
Transparency and Fair Process. I’m thinking of policy, government, and organizational leadership here. Too often decisions affecting large groups of people are made without clear rationale or respectful and truly honest communication of goals, purpose, and process. I understand the importance of discretion and ‘need to know’ basis, etc. But too many of our systems operate in the dark at the upper eschelons, fostering suspicion, mistrust, disconnection, backbiting, and overall toxic work and societal envrionments in the long run. Telling people what you can tell them, acknowledging outright that you cannot tell all, and keeping communication as open and honest as possible creates a culture of safety and loyalty worth well more than its weight in rentention, reputation, and productivity, especially when things get hard.
Accountability. All humans make mistakes. Leaders take risks that don’t always reward as anticipated. They let their emotions cloud their judgment in big ways and small, sometimes with severe consequences. OWN IT. People know it anyway, and no matter what happens operationally, leaders who take responsibility for their own actions can stand up straight with self-respect, and likely more respect from others than if they deflect, obfuscate, and scapegoat. Walk the talk of integrity that’s written in all those mission/vision/values statements. Lead by example. This goes for all of us, by the way. Make no mistake, someone is always watching you, gauging their work ethic with yours, adjusting standards of behavior according to the prevailing local norm. Do you part to elevate it as much as possible.
Psychological Safety. This is both the result and the foundation of our ability to be honest, with ourselves and one another. When we can answer the “how am I the asshole” question to ourselves without shame and commit to managing our own inadvertent assholery, then we can better hold space for others to do the same. The Asshole in me sees the Asshole in you, and we can all love us both. I can hold you accountable for your mistakes, actions, and harm done to others, and not throw you away as a person, because I hope you would do the same for me. Again, it starts with our leaders, designated and not.
Any and every effort at consistent and deep honesty is worth the effort. The discomfort, pain, and risk are worth the rewards of self-respect, connection, and stronger families, organizations, communities, and cultures. Consistent honesty frees us from the mental and ethical burden of deception and secrecy, which foster disconnection, loneliness, and conflict.
Honesty builds character. We must strengthen our collective commitment to live as people of character, demand it of ourselves and our leaders, every day, in every encounter.
Healing Through Connection 