Category Archives: personal growth

Love

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AIYAH LOVE!! *sigh* Let’s see, romance, presence, leadership, accountability, integrity, forgiveness, self-compassion, relationships–the majority of my topics this month overlap deeply with love. And of all the practices I address these thirty days, is there any more important? What are we humans without love? The word is overused, perhaps, and yet every time I hear or say it, I can still choose to ascribe the deepest meaning, thereby reminding myself how it guides me, makes me better, helps me be the person I want to be.

How do I love well already?
–I’m pretty full of it–love, I mean–and it exudes. In some circumstances I am much more reserved about expressing, and even then I’m always looking for opportunities and maximizing within existing constraints. And I’m getting more expressive with age. As life gets shorter, I feel more urgency for those I love to know and feel it unequivocally.
–I relish and amplify the love I see, hear, and feel around me. I endorse fluidity between platonic, romantic, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, and other manifestations of love. Love, in my opinion, is bigger than our rational minds can comprehend or define (though our efforts to do so reward and connect us!), thus I am open to any and all of its authentic manifestations.

How could I do it better?
–I don’t always hold love first and in front in dealing with people. It’s easy with people I like and when circumstances are easy. I’m getting better with people I dislike, and when times are hard.
–I can make mindful love, both inward and outward, a more formal practice and discipline. Just like a parent can only be as happy as their saddest child, I bet we can only show up as loving to others as we do to ourselves.

How does society love well?

Examples Abound. Considering what a sh*tshow the world is right now, we could not be blamed for thinking there is no love anywhere anymore, or if there is, it’s overtaken by anger, hate, and violence. But I bet you could name at least five examples of visible and palpable love in your own life right now. So what is up with that? How can we be loving between family and friends, and also dehumanizing and utterly toxic in other contexts? Just think if we all gave one another, individuals and groups alike, a little benefit of the doubt, made more generous assumptions, and really tried to walk in other people’s shoes? It’s simple in theory, very difficult in practice, and well worth the effort, I think.
My media feed shows me organizations that exemplify love, rather than news. I’m so much better for it. Some examples, in case you’re interested:

Upworthy. A subsidiary of Good Worldwide: A “B-corp social impact company with a global audience of over 150 million people. Since 2006 Good Worldwide has been on a mission to empower people and organizations to be a force for good, together.”
More Love Letters. Submit a request for snail mail love letters from around the world for your loved one having a hard time right now. Better yet, write them to someone else! 5 recipients chosen every month. You still have time to write to the November crew.
Elephant Journal. “We’re dedicated to sharing the good life beyond the choir, and to all those who didn’t yet know they give a care about living a good, fun life that’s good for others, and our planet. The mindful life is about yoga, organics, sustainability, conscious consumerism, enlightened education, the contemplative arts, adventure, bicycling, family…everything. But mostly it’s about this present moment, right here, right now, and how we can best be of benefit, and have a good time doing so.”
Charities. The Greater Chicago Food Depository. The Food Bank of the Rockies. So many groups doing good. If you don’t already have ones you love, study these three sites to find ones that align with your values and are legit.
Communities. In 2023, as I have written repeatedly, my romance novel and fitness communities have transformed my life. I honestly do not think I would/could have committed to writing a book without the support and love of these amazing folks. What communities do you love, and love you back?

How could we all do better?

Meet Unlove With Love. The more disciplined each of us can be about leading with love, the less we can be baited into heated argument, pointless debate, and mutual agitation and separation. People do not lash out when they are well. Name calling and dehumanizing in response to their negative behaviors helps nothing and nobody. Breathe deeply, bite thy tongue. Reverse that excellent mantra: Take no shit, and do no harm.

Play the Infinite Game. Showing love in your next encounter with a stranger will not solve the world’s problems. Doing it with every person you meet next year, and for the next ten or fifty years, will not itself bring about world peace. But if you and I do this, which then encourages those we meet to do it also, we can bet that we are not contributing to the world’s problems. This practice among others gives me inner peace, which allows me to keep playing, to stay in the game of making the world better, much longer than if I burn out from cynical exhaustion and pessimism.

Of these twenty posts so far, I feel the most lighthearted and uplifted writing about romance and love. Huh, fascinating. It’s about hope, I think. Deep emotional and psychological connection, bonds that we actively choose to cultivate and sustain–these things give my life the most meaning, purpose, and reward. How awesome.

Presence

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Photo by James K Min, Denver, CO, 2023

It is not the same as appearance.

Presence is energy.  Like sound, it has a frequency and an amplitude.  Like light, it has a wavelength.  Presence is sensed; it is felt. 

What does your presence feel like to others?  How does it change according to context, mood, and other factors?  When are you aware of it yourself, and how do you modulate it, if at all?

Whose presence do you crave?  Who soothes, comforts, uplifts, encourages, and quiets you, simply by being with you?  Whose presence do you carry even when you’re apart, because it helps?  How do you do it?  Whose presence do you avoid?  Why?  What do these people teach you about yourself?

How do I already presence well?
–I make eye contact; I shake hands enthusiastically.  I’m relaxed, open, and friendly.  I can have a conversation with practically anyone, as long as we share a language.  I am comfortable with people in general, which makes people comfortable with me.
–I’m a fantastic hugger.
–“I’m mostly peace love and light, and a little go fuck yourself.”  My friendly and open personality does not make me a pushover.  I do not tolerate disrespect or abuse, of myself, my family, or my work teams.  I call it out civilly and if the behavior continues, I consider carefully and end relationships without regret.
–I’m good at 看臉色 ‘kan lian se’ literally ‘seeing facial color’ in Chinese—meaning to attune to people’s nonverbal cues.  I can adjust my posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, and language to match my counterparts. 
–Most of the time I think I balance confidence/competence well with humility.  Strong back, soft front.  If this is how people experience me, then I’m happy.

How could I show up better?
–People have told me I come on too strong, that my energy is too high.  I can be loud and animated.  I gesticulate.  I could do better sometimes attuning to my surroundings and toning it down as needed.
–In certain situations and with certain people, my confidence wobbles.  I second guess myself and may come across as weak, unsure, unreliable.  I can get tongue tied and flustered.  This makes me easy to bully and manipulate.  It happens much less frequently with age, but I still feel vulnerable to it sometimes.  Deep breathing in the moment helps a lot, and also lengthening my spine.

How do we evaluate presence as a society, and what makes it good?

Smiling Strangers.  “You’re so friendly, Cathy, you must be from the Midwest,” said the boy from the East Coast, just as I’m thinking people here look at me like I have two heads when I’m friendly.  In Colorado, however, people still smile and say hi to perfect strangers in public.  It just makes my day, really.  Do these folks realize how much their smiles mean to me?  To anybody?  Do you yours?

The Helpers. Nurses. Social workers. Teachers. Therapists. Charity workers. Volunteers. Moms. Doctors. Who else, especially in your life right now? Come to think of it, is there any profession or work that could not be thought of as helping? We may not always be in a good mood. We are too often exhausted, spent; too many of us are burned out right now. And still, we show up. We help. At our best, when our presence connects us in sincere service, it makes us all better.

How can we be present better to one another collectively?

Love First.  If we have any love in us, how can we pull it up and out, put it in front, and show up for ourselves and others leading with it? Easier said than done. And we won’t be able to do it all the time. Let’s try harder anyway, ya?

Attune and Differentiate. Know yourself. Honor yourself. Show up all you. We can each own all of our strengths, our optimal resonance frequencies, our brightest light. Stand up straight and strong. Then, decide which petals of our identity flower to lead with, discern the context and respond appropriately. This is not about hiding parts of ourselves, rather mindfully showing up to connect, however it works best for us and those around us.

Lead and follow by example: Amplify. When you get feedback that your presence helps someone, take the compliment graciously. When someone’s presence benefits you, let them know. Positive reinforcement–rewarding desired behaviors–is one of the most effective ways to help the behavior recur. Look out for the good, amplify it–the sound and the light.

Honest, mindful, authentic presence. How much better could everything be if we were to offer this more often to more people, ourselves included?

Leadership

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ACK! Late start on this one, friends, stayed at book club late!

When do you think about leadership? How much do you consider yourself a leader? Assuming you lead in some way (and we all do), how do you approach it? How important is it to you? How much do you care about your leadership?

My leadership strengths:
–I am a student of leadership. I study it, evaluate my own performance, seek feedback, and constantly strive for improvement. I attune to those who lead me and evaluate their performance also, and my standards are high and clear. My leadership stance is learner before teacher, collaborator before authority.
–I am decisive, clear, fair, and transparent as much as possible. I am direct, rather than passive or aggressive.
–I monitor my biases and check in with those I lead, as well as fellow leaders.
–I really try hard to own my shit and walk my talk; I apologize and correct readily.

How could I lead better?
–I think I often lean too far into my default tendencies. Call it yellow/green from Insights Discovery, ENFP in Myers-Briggs, or Abstract-Random in Gregorc Mind Styles; it all pretty much looks the same. In my thinking mind I recognize other’s styles, and I’m not sure I adapt well in engagement, for optimal collective decision making and interactions. I certainly don’t think consciously about what others’ styles are and then modify my presence and approach intentionally–I think good leaders do this.
–I could observe other leaders for strengths I don’t have, and emulate them. I could query them for perspectives, thought processes, and decision methods. These are also the people who could probably offer me the most helpful feedback.
–I could seek more opportunities to support those who lead me, by giving them honest, loving, concrete, and actionable feedback. No matter our place in the hierarchy, we can lead and be led by anyone we encounter.

Where do we experience good leadership in society?
Illustration of individuals and their attributes is beyond the scope of this post.
Where do you experience excellent leadership, and how do you identify it?
How can you, today, provide positive reinforcement of positive leadership behaviors in those around you–and not just those with a title, power, and authority?

I think this is good place/time to provide a resource list:
—Leadership On the Line, Heifetz, Linsky
—Organizations as Machines, Organizations as Conversations, Suchman
—Leaders Eat Last, Sinek
—Dare to Lead, Brown
—Think Again, Grant
—Drive, Pink
—Managing Transitions, W and S Bridges
—Improvise!, Dickins

How could leadership at scale be better?

Train relational leaders formally. Leadership is not just about financial strategy, quarterly earnings, and operations. It’s about organizing people in complex networks of relationship. It’s verbal, as well as visual and vibratory. Formal training in self-awareness, self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and effective communication should be required in interative learning episodes at every level of promotion, in any organization.

Reward long term team success ahead of short term financial metrics. Qualitative and quantitative, cumulative, longitudinal assessments of relational success include turnover, 360 evaluations, absenteeism, and others. This goal requires leaders and led alike to tolerate and engage in uncomfortable conversations. The best teams do this early, often, and well.

Improve almost any strength listed these 30 days. Honesty, integrity, accountability, perspective taking, polarity management–what if all leaders received regular training and continuing education on any of these, with opportunities to simulate, role play, exchange stories, and compare challenges? What if we supported designated leaders both in their inner and outer relational work?

Leadership may be where I feel the most optimism for humanity. We know the relevant attributes and skills, the environments and structures that facilitate and sustain excellent leadership. We all have the capacity to learn, practice, and train any of these skills, no matter our place in any hierarchy. Organizations that invest in the emotional intelligence and training of their members thrive. There is still time. We can do so much better.