Category Archives: relationship

Acceptance

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Two plutonium bombs in different locations. The only way to save the world is to defuse them at exactly the same 1/10th of a second, but only after the detonation key is deactivated from yet another location. And that cannot happen until the countdown has started, which gives the hero team fifteen minutes to get it all done.
“Okay,” badass girl hero says.
No denial, no, “That can’t be, you’ve got to be kidding me, there must be another way.”
Just, “Okay.”
And they get to it, one step at a time, improvising, committed together and flexing around obstacles one after another. In typical action movie fashion, the villain dies a karmically satisfying death, the heroes prevail, justice is served, and the world never knows it was miliseconds away from nuclear annihilation.
Props if you can name the movie. 😉

How do I do acceptance well already?
–I totally get it in my thinking mind; and when the thing I must accept is not emotionally charged, I adapt easily and take everything in stride. Flexibilty helps with this, and my life is generally smooth sailing.
–I’m better able now to recognize when I don’t actually fully accept something–when recognizing it intellectually is not enough to get to peace with it.
–When this happens, I can sit with the discomfort–accept it–and let is pass. I tell myself it’s normal and human to have a hard time with deep inner conflicts, that self-awareness in service of reflection, regulation, and more right action is a lifelong learning journey.

How could I do better?
–I need to find a better bridge between cognitive and emotional acceptance. I understand what is happening. I don’t like it, and get that I don’t have control. I recognize where I have agency and not. And yet, I still end up wallowing in irritation, anger, sadness, and resentment. Less frequently each year than the last, and less severely now than before, but sheesh, how long before I can just roll easier with it all and suffer less, FFS?
–Breathe breathe breathe. Maybe prayer? Writing definitely helps. Keep doing the work.
–Or (and?) just accept that this amount of mild to moderate pain and suffering is just par for the course? Huh.

How does society already do well at acceptance?

Is this mostly about inclusion? So many of my posts this month relate to identity, both individual and collective. No matter who you are or what there is about you, it seems easier now than ever to find those who will see, understand, accept, and even love you. They may not be physically local, but you can find literature, resources, and virtual communities to bond over almost anything, it seems. The caveat is that our culture is so emotionally charged right now, non-acceptance threatens to overtake and drive our collective in- and out-group encounters, dividing us more than uniting, making acceptance something we don’t even strive for anymore.

How could we all do better together?

Ask better questions. What is it that we need to do better at accepting, exactly? Facts? Fundamental disagreements? Conflicting values and goals? Shared ones? What questions will give us clarity on what is, and help us resist the urge to ignore, deny, dismiss, and minimize? How can we get to “Okay,” and move with calm and equanimity, peace and purpose, and even joy, toward what could be? What does “Okay” feel like, when/where have we felt it before, and how did we get there?

Maybe the first steps toward peaceful and productive acceptance, among others, are curiosity, non-judgment, and openness to learning. The primary reward and benefit of true, honest, cognitive and emotional acceptance, and what I long for most, is inner peace. I want this so much because I know that wherever and whenever I have inner peace about something, that peace lifts me. It exudes with a palpable force, and my impact on my surroundings is positive. When my innards are turbulent, conflicted, and agitated, I’m not the only one who suffers.
*sigh*
Onward. It is through the struggles that we grow.

Flexibility

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Speaking of… I write this from the emergency department, where Daughter is now observed for an anphylactic allergic food reaction (she’s okay now). *sigh* We do what we’ gotta do–will be here at least another 4 hours.

How do I already do flexibility well?
–I have an agile mind. It freezes occasionally, but most of the time I can assess a fluid situation and work out effective solutions on the fly. Every day in executive health is different and unique, with schedule disruptions from new symptoms, exam findings, test results, and events in other departments. The team, physicians and staff alike, move like gears shifting and sliding amongst one another, keeping the machine running as smoothly as possible.
–I have a low threshold to question and challenge ‘how we have always done’ something, especially when it’s no longer relevant or useful. This includes assessing my default assumptions, especially negative ones, about people. I don’t always do this readily, but more often now than before.
–I can change personal plans without much distress, as long as circumstances allow. I am seldom married to any given itinerary; my greatest sadness is when long awaited meetings with loved ones fall through.

How could I do better?
–I know there are situations where I am rigid, attached to my default assumptions, and not aware. Even when I am aware, I still resist flexing. I’m human. *sigh* So: more mindfulness… Polarity management… Perspective taking… Hmmm… I’m really glad I’ve written these posts this month–they will be a helpful handbook of skills and reminders going forward.
–Sometimes I may be too flexible, which can lead to indecisiveness and meandering. Wide collaboration and flat leadership hierarchy style have pitfalls. I think this is a minor weakness, though. I can sense pretty well when I need to decide something; and since most decisions are two-way doors, my openness to flexibility is still rewarded.

How are we already collectively flexible?

Freedom of expression; innovation. Conflicting opinions notwithstanding, American culture is pretty tolerant of widely varying manifestations of individual and group identity. We are relatively open, I think, to new ideas and creativity. We may not be the most flexible or open, but I think the number of innovations in many domains that originate in the US is a testament to our ability to flex…in technical and commercial areas more than social, in my non-evidence-based observation.

How could we do flexibility better together?

Cull bureaucracy. This feels like chasing a better balance between centralized and decentralized government/management, affording better local responses to acutely changing circumstances and needs. How would this work? Off the top of my head:
–Crystal clear vision, mission, values, goals common to and bought in by all locales
–Concrete, relevant, direct, attributable, and achievable metrics–adjusted to local specifics and still clearly aligned with global mission/goals
–Effective accountability and regular assessment, feedback and remediation as needed
–Balanced interdependence between nodes of the system; stakes for each unit in each other unit’s success

Promote experimentation, pilots, start ups. We facilitate flexibility when creativity and innovation is low risk and low cost. Manage sunk cost biases, apply iterative learning, practice seeing more doors that swing two ways. Collaborate and integrate between disciplines.

Stop punishing the masses for transgressions of the few. Regulation is complex. At least in medicine, the vast majority of practitioners make an honest living, making occasional accounting mistakes. My impression is that sporadic examples of fraud, admitedly severe, incite layers of global stricture on billing and verification, strangling all of us with at least as much time spent on paperwork as on face to face patient care, fueling burnout and alienating patients from their care providers. David French has written that it is not the severity of punishment that deters crime; it is the assuredness of it. I will park illegally if I think I won’t get caught, even if the ticket is $100. But if I know I’ll be charged $20 every time I do it, I won’t. So, maximize accountability and optimize systems for members to self-regulate effectively.

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving that fulfilled at least some hopes of communion, connection, and joy. Living with high risk medical conditions, when sudden and severe episodes trigger acute, indiscriminate, and impactful changes in plans, makes us even more flexible than we may already be. It’s useful, if painful, training. I am always grateful to walk out intact on the other side.

Gratitude

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Photo by Eileen Barrett, 2023

What is the opposite of gratitude? Today I think of it as taking things for granted. Because isn’t that what often triggers gratitude, when the deep meaning and value of everyday things suddenly hits us in the face, and we realize how we have not fully appreciated or reveled in any of it recently? I don’t write this to shame anybody, or to make us feel guilty for being ‘ungrateful.’ I often find contrast and comparison a helpful way to solidify an idea or learning. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate, and to all who do not, may this day and all days bring meaning and connection anyway! Onward:

How do I do gratitude well already?
–Like mindfulness, my gratitude practice is more informal than formal. That said, it is intentional and strong. I express gratitude often and readily; I feel it more frequently than I can say, and often more deeply than words can convey. I’ve also reflected on it long and continually; an early post on this blog, one of the original thoughts I most wanted to convey at the outset in April 2015, described the relationships between gratitude, generosity, and peace. Rereading it now, I still endorse it all, and then some.

How could I do better?
–ACK. Everything that I could do better in gratitude circles back to my most difficult relationships. DAMN. I suppose we each/all have our highest walls, the greatest inner challenges–the primary work of a given lifetime. *sigh* Funny, I was moved yesterday to journal more intentionally about what I take for granted, and my gratitude needle moved some. So more of that, maybe: a regular discipline around that for which I resist gratitude. How fascinating.

How does society already do gratitude well?

Not just lip service. I have written before that Thanksgiving feels contrived to me. I feel this less now than in 2016. Many people really do take this season, and this day in particular, to reflect more deeply in gratitude. My impression is that this grateful sense also often extends through the whole holiday season. So I wonder, with annual gratitude awareness, what is the cumulative effect and benefit, if any?

How could we all do better together?

Abundance mindset.
I think it’s worth sharing again what I wrote in that post from 2015. Referring to the Zanders’ work in The Art of Possibility:
“Scarcity is when there actually aren’t enough resources to meet everybody’s needs; scarcity thinking is operating as if this were the case, when it really isn’t. Scarcity thinking at its best may foster healthy competition and innovation, and at worst, aggression, indifference, or even violence. In contrast, the Zanders discuss the notion of abundance. If we lived and operated in a world we assumed to be abundant, or at least enough for our needs, what would that look like?
“…That peace that comes with thankfulness is the antithesis of scarcity. 
“When we practice gratitude, we practice peace. We exude it. It manifests in our expressions and actions. Gratitude makes us creative, by lifting the need to hoard and compete. We come together, collaborate, look for our common passions and visions. We offer more of ourselves to others because we have faith that they will do the same. We know because they did it before—that is why we are grateful.”

Make it part of who we are.
I also referenced David Brooks’s article on gratitude that year:
“…people with dispositional gratitude take nothing for granted. They take a beginner’s thrill at a word of praise, at another’s good performance or at each sunny day. These people are present-minded and hyperresponsive.
“This kind of dispositional gratitude is worth dissecting because it induces a mentality that stands in counterbalance to the mainstream threads of our culture.
“…people with dispositional gratitude are hyperaware of their continual dependence on others. They treasure the way they have been fashioned by parents, friends and ancestors who were in some ways their superiors. They’re glad the ideal of individual autonomy is an illusion because if they were relying on themselves they’d be much worse off.
“Gratitude is also a form of social glue. In the capitalist economy, debt is to be repaid to the lender. But a debt of gratitude is repaid forward, to another person who also doesn’t deserve it. In this way each gift ripples outward and yokes circles of people in bonds of affection. It reminds us that a society isn’t just a contract based on mutual benefit, but an organic connection based on natural sympathy — connections that are nurtured not by self-interest but by loyalty and service.”
So eloquent, that man, I admire him so much.

So, I’m still not all in on Traditional American Thanksgiving. One of my life goals is still to never cook a turkey. I do not oppose gathering, reflecting, communing–I love all of these things—any time, any day, for any reason, actually. Whatever we are doing this Thanksgiving, my wish for us all is that it’s meaningful, nourishing, and fulfilling. And if not, well, we can be with that too, and I wish that we may not suffer too much or unecessarily.
Peace and blessings on you all, my friends.
So grateful for this platform and opportunity to connect.

If you’re looking for something inspirational, listen to Granted, by Josh Groban.