Category Archives: culture

Forgiveness

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ACK. I did not think too hard choosing these 30 topics. My mindset was lighthearted and experimental. Maybe my subconscious got a foot in the door, though, as I don’t usually think much about forgiveness, and yet here it appears, on the top half of the list. Huh.

What does this topic bring up for you? My reaction depends on my mood. When I’m feeling good about myself, all equanimatous-like, forgiveness lands lightly, naturally. When I’m feeling inadequate it falls heavy, exacerbating unworthiness and maybe a little anxiety? How fascinating. I’m here for it, though, however it shows up.

How do I do forgiveness well already?
–I think I’m overall a pretty forgiving person. I try to understand others’ perspectives and motivations, and that empathy helps me resist and release grudges.
–I can forgive even after I’ve held a grudge for a while. Just today, on the floor at the gym, thinking about how I could do polarity management better, the biggest duh-HA epiphany in a while hit me smack in the face. And now I feel real forgiveness coming on in a longstanding conflict. Wow.
–I apologize readily, sincerely, clearly, and appropriately; I seek forgiveness when I have wronged someone. It’s not always freely granted, which I do not resent. I know what that resistance feels like, after all. I can find other ways to repair a relationship rupture, and I can be patient.

How could I do forgiveness better?
–Even when my thinking brain knows it’s not all my fault, sometimes my feeling brain continues to self-flagellate. I suffer from this, no doubt, and I also think it’s not good for my relationships, but that impact is subtle and nebulous. This is where my self-compassion skills could be honed a bit more, yes.
–Where else am I withholding forgiveness? What skills do I need to call forth to address this? I’m thinking more of groups now than individuals, the automatic and default assumptions I make about agents of culture, leaders, out groups. How fascinating, the recurring themes this month. Mindfulness, Honesty, Relationships–everything connects to everything else.
–Could I possibly encourage and facilitate forgiveness around me, between people I know in conflict with one another? That feels prickly, like it is neither my responsibility nor my place. Still, I can imagine small opportunities arising in confidence, which I trust myself to sense and respond to –mindfully.

How does society forgive well already?

Rehab. On a collective level for certain things, we have great capacity for forgiveness and re-enfranchisement. It’s beyond the scope of this post to address why we do this more easily for, say, alcoholism than prostitution, or adultery by men more than by women. But I’m glad to see examples of successful societal forgiveness more than I expected. Yay.

Reconciliation. Speaking of adultery..or infidelity… According to the Institute for Family Studies, 53% of people who had cheated in their marriage were married in 2010-2016, though some of these may be remarriages. That’s compared to 70% of people who have never cheated. Of course we cannot generalize about what’s happening in each affected couple and family. But I have observed multiple cases of true reconciliation after infidelity, and that encourages me.

How could we forgive better collectiely?

Reform Crime and Punishment. People who break the law are not necessarily bad people. People who harm others must be held to account, no question. Punishment should fit the crime–it’s not clear to me how much this is true in our society. Certainly incarcerated people should be treated as fully human and given opportunities to re-enter society with a better chance of staying out of jail than when they entered. Even the serial killer, who has forfeited the right to rejoin society, does not deserve to have their humanity taken away by fellow humans. Compassionate and Humane Accountability. What would society look like if we lived these words even a little better?

Mitigate Righteous Moral Judgment. “It’s just wrong.” There are far fewer absolutes in life than most of us think. Past experiences/traumas and volatile circumstances wildly alter our goals and tolerances, too often in ways we cannot nearly comprehend in real time, making us think, feel, speak and act in ways we may never do otherwise. Judge me at my worst, and your judgment is bound to be incomplete. Throw me away, dehumanize me from your most self-righteous ideology–why? What do you gain? Truthfully, we all lose when we do this to one another. We can do better.

Deep breaths, friends. Love first.

Polarity Management

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Yes, AND.

This is the central tenet of polarity management. It’s about holding divergent and apparently opposing ideas or positions at the same time, understanding that their relationship is actually complementary and mutually strengthening rather than perpetually conflicting. Masculine/feminine, individual/collective, conservative/progressive, strong/soft, diplomacy/candor, top down/bottom up–what else? Can we frame any two antagonistic ideas in an infinity polarity loop of inextricable relationship? I say yes. Because it puts us into novel perspectives, prompting a mindshift into possibility, creativity, and connection.

I am waiting on permission to use a seminal image from Polarity Partnerships, the organization founded around the idea that in any polar dichotomy, there is a dynamic flow and balance between the advantages and disadvantages of focusing energy and action on either pole. When we can maximize the benefits and minimize the costs of each pole, then leadership and organizations thrive. It’s much easier to show than tell; fingers crossed I’m allowed to share the image; check out their homepage and you will see what I mean.

13 November 2023: Here it is!

Polarity Map® is a registered trademark of Barry Johnson & Polarity Partnerships, LLC. Commercial use encouraged with permission.

How do I already manage polarities well?
–Since I learned the concept during leadership training in 2019, I now think easily in complementary polarities. I was primed c.2000 when my residency classmate introduced me to “Yes, AND”. She took an improv class and invited me to play a game in the workroom. Thanks, Carol! Now whenever I feel an initial resistance or opposition to something, I look for the juxta(op)position that gives that two-sided coin perspective.
–Polarity management and trade-offs feel related to me. I think in terms of the latter more and more, also since 2019, when I read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. At the end of an elderly life, there is often tension between independence (goal of the elderly) and safety (goal of their family), and a peaceful end of life usually means compromises on both sides. Increasingly as I counsel patients on habit change, I acknowledge that trade offs will be necessary, and only they can define and decide which are and are not worth making, based on their values and goals. I find that approaching behavior in this way eliminates judgment, and also opens the door for flexibility and evolution without (or with less) regret. It is simply flow and growth.
–I definitely parent better from an integrated polarity perspective. Mostly it’s about letting go and hanging on, advising and commanding, that delicate and heavy handed balance. I tend toward a laissez faire parenting style, which risks the kids feeling neglected if I lean too far into my default. I’m getting better at seeing the pitfalls, and I still have some work to do.

How could I manage polarities better?
–Some people in my life prioritize their values and goals very differently from me. I sometimes sit in rigid judgment of this, dismissing their perspective as inferior in some way. I can do better at recognizing the benefits of having these people around to balance and bend my hard biases.
–I will look for strong polarity integration around me and call it out/forth. I will reinforce and amplify it. I will do my part to make both/and thinking, speaking, and leading visible, and move it into mainstream mindset.

How do we already manage polarities well as a society?

We don’t.

How could we do it better?

Where do you see successful, collective, Yes, AND in action?
I can think of two organizations that walk the talk.

Polarity Partnerships.
“In today’s world of increasing interdependency and complexity, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND both/and thinking to address your most strategic challenges and opportunities. The research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Polarities well outperform those that don’t. Discover how to leverage your most strategic Polarities (AKA paradox, wicked problems, chronic tensions, dilemmas, etc.) to become more innovative, agile, profitable and competitive immediately and over time.”

Braver Angels.
“Our mission: Bring Americans together to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.”
“We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
“We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
“We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
“We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
“We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
“We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
“We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
“In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently.”

Every once in a while I read an article that does it well–not only describing two poles but explaining why each is/both are necessary and good relative to the other, and the importance of balance and flow between them. It’s pretty rare.

For practical application and guidance, I highly recommend Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis.

Like so many life practices I consider this month, polarity management and navigation is transformational and liberating. I had not realized it so starkly until now. When I get out of either/or, “Yes, BUT,” and “You suck,” accept what is and look for mutually complementary balancing points, new and useful insights almost always follow. My way out of conflict emerges faster and more clearly, and my relationships get stronger along the way. Very cool.

Self-Compassion

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“I have found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most peole have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” —Kristin Neff

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” —Brene Brown

I’m tired tonight, y’all. And this is a big topic. So I give myself permission to stay in the shallows for this post–no deep explorations and hours spent searching citations. Just some honest reflections and aspirations. To learn more about self-compassion and evidence for its benefits, visit Kristin Neff’s website and check out her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. From her website page on the definition of self-compassion:

“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

What’s already good in my self-compassion practice?
–I no longer call myself names. I own that I sometimes say and do thoughtless, inconsiderate, obtuse, and bitchy things. But I don’t label myself with these adjectives. I no longer say things like “I’m being a bitch,” or, “Oh my god, I’m so stupid.” I make clear on my social media accounts that ad hominem is unwelcome. There is also no place for it in my own head.
–I avoid self-indulgence by maintaining compassionate accountability to myself. This overlaps with (encompasses, maybe?) practices in honesty, mindfulness, integrity, forgiveness, judgment, and commitment, all topics to be addressed this month–everything is connected.
–Upholding my own self-compassion helps me maintain my growth mindset. While I allow myself to identify with fixed traits such as ‘smart,’ ‘creative,’ or ‘badass,’ I can hold these labels loosely and also allow for wild imperfection and failure–for myself to be human in all of my smart, creative, and badass endeavors. I am freed to be both wholly all of these things and more, and also a perpetual work in progress.

How could my self-compassion practice be better?
–Explore more the paradoxical polarity of enough and not enough–I am enough as is, and I am also always improving–so what do enough and not enough actually mean? “You are perfect, …and you have a lot work to do,” I read years ago. Love it. Makes to total intuitive sense, and I want to live into it more deeply.
–Look for the still insidious ways self-criticism appears, and hold it with kindness. I know there’s a lot there in my body image, especially as aging accelerates. And when I find self-loathing and -judgment, I can practice my compassion on that, rather than meta-judgment of the judgment, which doesn’t help anyone. I bet I could query arenas where I feel like an imposter; that’s probably pretty good fodder.

How does our society do self-compassion well already?

Awareness. Authors like Kristin Neff, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Richard Rohr, and the Dalai Lama bring self-compassion concepts from esoteric academic and spiritual theory to practical life skills. Their books, articles, podcasts, interviews, and websites offer the lay public copious access to all things self-care, connection, and inner peace. Communities of folks seeking comfort and connection form, mindful presence ensues, and good things happen all around. Like mindfulness, self-compassion is making its way into mainstream consciousness as something to develop rather than to shun and dismiss.

How could we do it better?

Normalize it. The distinction between self-compassion and self-indulgence still needs reinforcement. Being kind to onself in a moment or period of hardship does not mean shirking responsibility, is not a character flaw, and does not lead to a future of fruitless debauchery. Allowing health habits to loosen a little in the midst of life chaos does not warrant harsh self-recrimination. The practice of imagining a friend going through the same challenges and what we would say to them, then saying that to ourselves, really helps here. Oh and we should say those things to our friends out loud, too.

Strengthen Accountability. Even if we succeed in distinguishing the above, I think people still need reassurance that we won’t all become listless moochers just looking for excuses and free rides for everything. As an aside, what is with that cultural fear of ours, anyway? By accountability I don’t mean punishment or shame. I mean owning our mistakes and the impact we have on others, standing convicted not in public opinion but in our core values. Accountability and self-compassion together help us present ‘strong back, soft front’ to ourselves, developing both intrinsic strength and courage as well as openness and vulnerability. Ultimately, the best outcome is that we then present this way to others, offering kindness and also holding them humanely accountable, and our connections and communities tighten in love.

Amplify the Benefits. When we see someone we care about lambasting themselves, we can help. As we show more loving kindness to ourselves, we are more willing and likely to do the same for others. Mercy, grace, empathy, tenderness–can we look individually and collectively inward and see the rewards of offering these to ourselves, and then to one another? It doesn’t take much to imagine, does it? We can start one on one, with people we care most about, whom we truly love. Then we can extend it to strangers, then to members of out-groups whom we may initially and automatically judge harshly by way of stereotype and prejudice. Strong self-compassion practice can translate to recognition of every person’s innate humanity, reframing even our most destructive behaviors in humane rather than dehumanizing light. “The smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in me sees the smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in you.” It all starts with healthy relationship to self.

So was this even coherent? Good night, all, I’m going to bed. Back tomorrow on polarity management, woohooooooo, that’ll be fun.