Category Archives: love

Presence

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Photo by James K Min, Denver, CO, 2023

It is not the same as appearance.

Presence is energy.  Like sound, it has a frequency and an amplitude.  Like light, it has a wavelength.  Presence is sensed; it is felt. 

What does your presence feel like to others?  How does it change according to context, mood, and other factors?  When are you aware of it yourself, and how do you modulate it, if at all?

Whose presence do you crave?  Who soothes, comforts, uplifts, encourages, and quiets you, simply by being with you?  Whose presence do you carry even when you’re apart, because it helps?  How do you do it?  Whose presence do you avoid?  Why?  What do these people teach you about yourself?

How do I already presence well?
–I make eye contact; I shake hands enthusiastically.  I’m relaxed, open, and friendly.  I can have a conversation with practically anyone, as long as we share a language.  I am comfortable with people in general, which makes people comfortable with me.
–I’m a fantastic hugger.
–“I’m mostly peace love and light, and a little go fuck yourself.”  My friendly and open personality does not make me a pushover.  I do not tolerate disrespect or abuse, of myself, my family, or my work teams.  I call it out civilly and if the behavior continues, I consider carefully and end relationships without regret.
–I’m good at 看臉色 ‘kan lian se’ literally ‘seeing facial color’ in Chinese—meaning to attune to people’s nonverbal cues.  I can adjust my posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, and language to match my counterparts. 
–Most of the time I think I balance confidence/competence well with humility.  Strong back, soft front.  If this is how people experience me, then I’m happy.

How could I show up better?
–People have told me I come on too strong, that my energy is too high.  I can be loud and animated.  I gesticulate.  I could do better sometimes attuning to my surroundings and toning it down as needed.
–In certain situations and with certain people, my confidence wobbles.  I second guess myself and may come across as weak, unsure, unreliable.  I can get tongue tied and flustered.  This makes me easy to bully and manipulate.  It happens much less frequently with age, but I still feel vulnerable to it sometimes.  Deep breathing in the moment helps a lot, and also lengthening my spine.

How do we evaluate presence as a society, and what makes it good?

Smiling Strangers.  “You’re so friendly, Cathy, you must be from the Midwest,” said the boy from the East Coast, just as I’m thinking people here look at me like I have two heads when I’m friendly.  In Colorado, however, people still smile and say hi to perfect strangers in public.  It just makes my day, really.  Do these folks realize how much their smiles mean to me?  To anybody?  Do you yours?

The Helpers. Nurses. Social workers. Teachers. Therapists. Charity workers. Volunteers. Moms. Doctors. Who else, especially in your life right now? Come to think of it, is there any profession or work that could not be thought of as helping? We may not always be in a good mood. We are too often exhausted, spent; too many of us are burned out right now. And still, we show up. We help. At our best, when our presence connects us in sincere service, it makes us all better.

How can we be present better to one another collectively?

Love First.  If we have any love in us, how can we pull it up and out, put it in front, and show up for ourselves and others leading with it? Easier said than done. And we won’t be able to do it all the time. Let’s try harder anyway, ya?

Attune and Differentiate. Know yourself. Honor yourself. Show up all you. We can each own all of our strengths, our optimal resonance frequencies, our brightest light. Stand up straight and strong. Then, decide which petals of our identity flower to lead with, discern the context and respond appropriately. This is not about hiding parts of ourselves, rather mindfully showing up to connect, however it works best for us and those around us.

Lead and follow by example: Amplify. When you get feedback that your presence helps someone, take the compliment graciously. When someone’s presence benefits you, let them know. Positive reinforcement–rewarding desired behaviors–is one of the most effective ways to help the behavior recur. Look out for the good, amplify it–the sound and the light.

Honest, mindful, authentic presence. How much better could everything be if we were to offer this more often to more people, ourselves included?

Talismans of Love

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Barack Obama carries around charms in his pockets. People give him things when they meet him–little tokens, trinkets, you might say–offered with admiration and meaning, to feel connected. What would we expect a world leader to do with such bits and pieces? He keeps them in a bowl and every day picks a handful to tuck close, to remind him, he says, of why he does what he does. He writes about it in the memoir of his first term, A Promised Land, which I cannot recommend highly enough. What does it say about a man of such high status, who intentionally holds the well wishes of regular people on his person every day? I see it as profound humility and groundedness; I admire it and aspire to cultivate such qualities myself.

What talismans of love do you carry, visible and not?

My senior year of high school, after volleyball season ended, I started wearing one of my mom’s rings from her teen years. When it broke I replaced it with another gold band, another gift from a family member. When I started med school and had some money, I bought an intentional replacement, one with a bamboo motif, signifying my Chinese family roots. Now I also see it as a symbol of strength and flexibility, two practices I value highly, and which Ma exemplifies. I still wear my ‘one breath’ ring, and upgraded to a more solid yin-yang band. Like my wedding rings, these pieces stay on 24/7; if you find me down, you will still/already know some things about me.

When I travel, I wear a necklace with four pendants: Son’s and Daughter’s birthstones, and each of their passions. When Son left for college I got him a keychain admonishing, “Have Fun, Be Safe, Make Good Decisions, Call Your Mother.” He left it at home, but when I text him ‘HaFuBeSaMaGoDe’ he knows what I mean. It’s a shortcut. A reminder. A way to stay connected across time and distance.

Rosaries, malas, crosses, heirlooms. Poems, paper scraps, letters.
Wedding rings. Tattoos.

Symbols. Representations. Expressions, signals. This is what matters to me, the talismans say. We feel seen when someone notices, acknowledges, and admires, reminded again of our choice to mark ourselves. The objects and signs communicate visually, tactilely, beyond what speech can convey. It’s almost visceral.

Comfort. Power. Hope. Agency. Meaningful objects remind us of our core values, direction, and purpose. We get to choose our symbols’ meaning. It may or may not matter whether/how others understand them; they are for ourselves and those with whom we bond over shared significance. We rub, clench, kiss, and hold them, often in the hardest, lowest times of our lives.

What if we try harder to notice and admire one another’s talismans? Get curious and ask the bearers to share their stories, and practice kind, reverent presence with it? How might that make things just a little better?

Loving Lessons from Saint by Sierra Simone

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My dear friends, thank you for tolerating the continuous gushing about my romance immersion, 12 months now and still going strong! This post is about more than just the smut, I promise.

Disclosure: Spoilers!

My review of Saint by Sierra Simone on Goodreads (MM = male/male):

“Only my second MM romance. Captivating. So empathically and compassionately written, descriptions of the intrinsic experiences of mental illness, moral conflict, honest self-exploration and accountability open listeners’ minds and hearts to the depth of our fellow humans’ emotional, spiritual, and relational lives–with self as well as others. Sierra Simone‘s voluminous and passionate love of and attention to history shine so brightly, and her writing is both utterly sophisticated and completely relatable. Again, as in Sinner, social commentary is rendered gently, if clearly. This book could be read/heard and thoroughly enjoyed simply as sexy, contemporary romance. And with just a little more contemplation, its meaning and impact become so clearly and importantly much, much more.
Jacob Morgan‘s and Sean Crisden‘s performances move and resonate. Morgan’s accents bring us to Belgium and France with vocal ease. The narrators’ expert acting proves that voice alone is enough to convey all we need to know and feel another’s experience.”

OK SO: Sierra Simone. O.M.G, a QUEEN of language and expression, holy cow! Of all the romance authors whose work I have now consumed (and there are so many more, I will not know them all in this lifetime), her voice stands out, rich and vibrant. “…utterly sophistocated and completely relatable”–maybe I aspire to be so, hence my zealous admiration–because while I cannot think of better words to decribe her work, I know she can.

I have now listened to all three full length novels in the Priest Collection and I highly recommend them all. Jacob Morgan narrates with others, and his voice acting is simply superb, so honest and real. Inspired to listen by the Facebook Shaneiaks group live chat with Sierra and Shane East, once again I cannot thank this community enough for broadening my exposure, experience, and insights from fiction! Sierra is known for her explicitly erotic writing, and she describes in the chat how she came to commit, BOOBS OUT you might say, to writing spicy (‘ghost pepper’ level) romance for her own creative fulfillment. It so happens that doing this resonates deeply with readers and listeners everywhere–such a shining example of the far-reaching ripple benefits of open and audacious authenticity. I was moved to tears by Sinner and to deep thought by Saint, to the point of ordering the latter in print to annotate–only the second print romance I own so far.

The thoughts and feelings evoked by these stories almost escape verbalization. Journaling to untangle it all, I could only list the broad topics approached, addressed, probed, and articulated, individually and all intersecting: Racism. Religion. Spirituality. Grief. Blame. Conflict. Paradox. Love. Lust. Intimacy. Self-delusion. Fear. Shame. Communion. Self-love. Self-compassion. Honesty. Reconciliation. Peace. Commitment. Flexibility. AND. Reformation. Relationship, omg: Parental. Fraternal. Platonic. Romantic. Intimate. Carnal. Spiritual. Intellectual. Multidimensional. Eternal. It’s all an intense, existential jumble, yet conveyed wholly and elegantly in a couple hundred pages of writing, through only dialogue and narrative. Amazing.

The Catholic Church. Simone notes at the beginning of Priest: “I spent the majority of my life in the Catholic faith, and while I’m no longer Catholic, I still have the utmost affection and respect for the Catholic Church… That being said, this novel is about a Catholic priest falling in love. There is sex, more sex, and definitely some blasphemy. (The fun kind).” Her attitude toward the church is respectful, even reverent, as she clearly acknowledges its flaws and failures. Her criticism is loving, never disparaging or rude. How would our world be altered if more of us could take this approach to change and justice?

I think I liked Saint in particular because of the courageous and difficult journey Aiden takes toward integration–to know that he may carve a unique and unprecedented path to being wholly devoted to God without sacrificing any part of himself. I wanted so much for him to embrace that infinity loop of polarity navigation–self-acceptance and independence from dogma and wholehearted communal spiritual participation. Simone’s portayal of church leaders, always local and in personal relationship with the heroes, is so empathetic–they exemplify the ideal spiritual leaders and pastors–helping people through their personal conflicts and crises with love, compassion, humility, and non-judgment.

Characters on journeys to becoming their whole selves, loving each other in the process, helping each other self-actualize–is that what moves me? Isn’t that what heals? In the context of a social structure that has so much of its own paradox–such profound benefits of faith and community and also radically high risk for severe dysfunction, omg… Is there an institution other than religion, that harbors such gaping potential for both healing and harm?

Simone shows how to maintain a loving, open perspective, accepting both poles of the Church, by writing how three brothers in one family react to the same trauma (sister sexually assaulted by priest, later dying by suicide)… Her books do not generalize, dehumanize, demonize, or judge anyone or anything in broad strokes. She does not throw anyone or anything away, nor does she dismiss, excuse, minimize, or deflect. The novels don’t necessarily explore deeply–or I should say explicitly? They are not political or sociological commentary at their core. But through the characters’ struggles and stories, we get to consider myriad gray areas and dig, if we wish, patiently and lovingly, into deeper meaning, both collective and individual, shared and private. The characters’ relationships bridge diversity of race, gender, sexuality, and other aspects of humanity; their moments of epiphany, empathy, and connection emerge in gentle starkness, drawing readers/listeners into vicarious, second hand emotional education.

The ancillary characters all play important roles–obvious and blatant in message–necessarily. They remind me of my own role as physician: I get to observe you, my patient, and your life, as a third party. I am not in your life with you, for the most part. I get to stand and walk next to you when you come to me; I witness. I can know you, and you get to control (much of) that. I can only pry so much; you can choose to withhold. And I may still, if I pay attention, see you. Because our relationship is low-stakes and imbalanced (my role is only to survey and advise, much like the mentors, teachers, and pastors in these stories), I have the freedom to speak frankly, objectively, and lovingly… You may receive my advice more openly than from loved ones because of my credentials and the nature of our relationship. What a fascinating and meaningful privilege.

I wonder how people reject these stories–what do they object to, what are the emotions, triggers, rationalizations, and other factors? To me, these stories can be taken as lessons in honesty. Maybe that’s why I love them so much, because honesty is important to me, and barriers to honesty and self-relection can be formidable in the context of such strong, dogmatic social norms as in the Catholic Church, so heavily steeped in ritual, tradition, and institutionalization. Maybe I see these stories as exemplary works for culture change–fiction as vehicle for social movement–duh-HA! Does anyone expect that from romance? It’s unexpected and, I think, deliciously subversive. Such artful integration, BRAVA. More, please.

God bless Sierra Simone and authors everywhere and in all times, who make us think, feel, and connect, to be and do better.