Category Archives: NaBloPoMo

Commit and Flex

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

How do you see the relationship between commitment and flexibility? 

Son submits college applications in the coming weeks. I worry that he puts too much pressure on himself to choose the ‘right’ school (I assume that he will have choices), as if so many permanent things depend on this one life decision. In truth, this door swings two ways, not just one way. He is thoughtful and self-aware, and will make a conscious decision. Then I hope he immerses himself in his chosen school, goes all in with classes, clubs, culture, and people. There is always the risk that it won’t be a good fit, despite all of his efforts and intentions. And it will be okay; he can change schools, take a year off, study abroad—so many options!

Two friends in medical school graduated at the top of our class and matched in general surgery residencies.  They both hated it.  One is now a neonatologist, the other a pathologist.  My residency classmate left in the middle of our intern year because her husband’s job required them to move.  They all committed and flexed.

In science and medicine, we often think we know something.  We study, analyze, discuss, and conclude.  We sometimes make sweeping changes in decision making based on the evidence to date (think hormone replacement therapy, cancer screening, and baby aspirin, for example).  But we don’t stop monitoring.  We keep asking questions.  Sometimes what we thought we knew turns out to be wrong, and we must step back and change direction.  It’s not because we were stupid, or because we had some nefarious intent.  We simply can’t see the whole picture sometimes, and still have to act, so we do the best we can with what we have.  And we must be willing to change both our minds and our actions when we learn and know better. 

In The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek discusses the idea of existential flexibility, which he defines as “the capacity to make a dramatically huge strategic shift in an entirely new direction to advance our cause.”  We flex in actions while maintaining steadfast commitment to our purpose and mission. He gives examples of companies who did this successfully (Apple), and who did not (Kodak). 

For myself and so many of my patients, we must constantly commit and recommit to our health habits and practices. The method I used to lose 25 pounds in 9 months when I was 34 does not feel feasible now that I’m 48. I recently read a Noom article on decision making that resonated deeply (I have no interests in this business). “Make a choice and move forward with conviction. Prepare to be wrong. Be ready to pivot. And be willing to make a different decision. You can always make a different choice.”

Whether it’s suffering, fun, college, residency, clinical guidelines or mindful eating, we get to choose.  Doing the same thing over and over again is totally okay, and so is changing.  It’s just much better if we are actually choosing either, and that we know why.

Choose Your Fun

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

IT’S BREEEAAD!!!  Sometimes.  I am now well and truly obsessed; by the end of tomorrow I may have baked six masses of sourdough in five days.  So far I’m 2 for 4 to call them actual ‘loaves’, and the next two don’t look particularly promising, sadly.  But I am having so.  Much.  FUN!!! 

The last two posts read a little heavy, I think?  And yet in writing them I felt light.  Why is that?  Maybe because each day this past week I have had something to look forward to:  Something creative, rewarding, experimental, tactile, and sharable/social.  I joined three sourdough groups on Facebook this week—they are awesome!—full of such supportive, encouraging, knowledgeable, and generous bakers, not to mention positively mouthwatering photos!  They inspire and give me courage to keep trying, joyfully, despite repeated failures.

Looking back, what do I generally find fun?  Painting, volleyball, public speaking, pottery, TRX/HIIT, medicine…  In all of these funs, maybe it’s mostly the community that makes it so?  Team (sports and speech, medical)?  —Of course, it’s the people.  …No, it’s the relationships.  Wow, back to that again—I guess it really is my Why.  Duh-HA, again! [cosmic laughter]  It’s been 18 days—if you’ve read each post this month, have you also noticed the many recurrent, looping themes?  “If it’s important, it will be repeated…”  Seriously, and not just in one karmic lifetime, I think!

Okay, so now I know what’s naturally fun for me. But here’s a more interesting question: How do I choose fun when it doesn’t come naturally? Mount Laundry demands to be scaled. Clutter Demon dares me to slash and dismember its corpulent, multiplex potbelly. Tedium City chases back taxes from days or weeks (months?) of neglect. Just as we can choose our suffering, we can also choose our fun—turn slogging into surfing. Dance music and audiobooks help a lot, and of course going/doing with friends! …Also timeboxing: I can do anything for 15 minutes! And if I can elevate my mood to start, that just makes everything better anyway.

In that vein, I leave you with Daughter’s discovery whom I love, a college student in Wyoming who makes one minute videos of vintage recipes.  May B. Dylan Hollis lift you and give you some fun today!

The best of Sven yet

Trust Your Worth

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

I wonder how this post will land on women, versus men?

Another insight that emerged from my call with friends yesterday involved how we define and acknowledge our worth.  Reflecting on the evolution of our lives, my friends and I explored identity, societal metrics of success, and what really matters to us. 

One of us has been looking through old family photographs lately, and realizing that raising her family, more than her career, per se, is what affirms that ‘my life has mattered.’  I was just reflecting the other day on how much I seek the approval of certain people at work—how constantly their opinions weigh on my mind—leaders whom I respect, and whose respect I want in return.  Why do I care so much what people think of me?  The third of us has concluded that the most important meaning we can make in life revolves around deep connection with people.

All three of us are strong, independent, thoughtful, moral women who make positive contributions to society, no question.  We all stand firmly in unabashed acknowledgment of our personal worth and existential worthiness.  We know in our thinking brains that we are enough.  And yet, we all still crave and seek the approval of others, of society.  Whether it’s a title, income, or some other metric of status or accomplishment, we cannot help but attend to some implicit code of social standing.  Ironically, too, isn’t it a societal expectation that we also ‘shouldn’t need outside affirmation’ for our self-image or –esteem?  Fascinating. 

We observe men and wonder if they feel at all similarly?  Do men ever question or care what others think or where they stand in the group?  They must, right?  We all do.  We three agreed that while we all have a human need for acceptance and belonging, men and women are socialized very differently in how to attain it.  In short, men are expected to compete; women to collaborate.  In both cases, though, I think we all shine brightest and are rewarded when we bring our whole, integrated selves to participate.  The feedback we get from both competing and collaborating serves as our tribal belonging reality check, which is crucial information for relationships and survival.  And, we all must do our own inner work.  How can I bring my best self unless I know who that is?  And how can I know unless I practice some kind of self-awareness?

So as usual, it’s a matter of Both, And: I live by my own strong personal standards of conduct and contribution.  I judge for myself whether I do or am enough.  And, I benefit from the feedback of those whose judgments and relationships matter to me.  I check my work against meaningful external yardsticks and balance those metrics with my own ideals.  I believe we can train to hold this existential and relational tension with humble confidence and self-trust.  Connection (and collaboration) with amazing friends like mine are an essential part of a successful life training regimen.