Category Archives: politics

Tested and Called

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https://www.ice.gov/join

“Hope has two daughters, anger and courage: Anger with the way things are, and courage to change them for the better.” –apocryphal quote (often attributed to St. Augustine)

Alex Pretti and Renee Nicole Goode have both died at the hands of ICE officers this month. There are too many other reports of abusive, unlawful, and inhumane ICE acts to list here.
I have spent the better part of the last 30 hours thinking about my Red voting friends.
Is this what you voted for?
(How) Are you okay with this?
What are you even seeing (and not)?
Are you willing to consider that ICE agents are acting unlawfully?
That the DHS and current federal administration are lying about these and other events?
DHS states there will be no investigation into Goode’s shooting. Rather, they launched a query into her partner. Minnesota state officials are barred by federal entities from conducting their own investigations. A court order was obtained by state officials to prevent the federal government from tampering with evidence at the scene of Pretti’s shooting.

More questions to my Red voting friends:
Where is the line?
What ideals that prompted your vote justify this level of impunity and lack of accountability by federal agents, that costs people their lives?
How many lives of wrongly detained, legal immigrants are you willing to disrupt and traumatize, or end, to apprehend the criminal ones? Or do you care? Or do you deny that this even happens?
What has to happen before you consider the current administration’s actions untenable, or at least in need of reform?

I had a strong impulse this weekend to give up on political dialogue. That’s a big deal. How can I connect with anybody who could condone these actions? I feel more hopeless today than I have in a very long time. I worry for my own safety and that of my children, with our Asian faces walking around in big cities. I start to understand why and how regular citizens silence ourselves despite our desire to rise up and resist. If I had no children, would I be more brave? What would I be (am I) willing to sacrifice to stand up to tyranny in my own neighborhood?

My core values of openness, curiosity, empathy, compassion, and relationship are severely tested today. I see myself as an agent of connection, a ‘boundary spanner,’ a mediator between groups, and joyfully so. I can almost always find something in common, a shared value or goal, with anyone I meet. Every new person is a potential friend, no matter their background. But when I see flagrant, unmitigated, violent dehumanization by federal agents on people going about their daily lives (I will never forget images of moms dragged out of their vehicles in school pick up lines in Chicago, leaving their children traumatized and unattended), and I hear you justifying, or worse denying it (actually, which is worse?), I question whether I can really find common ground with you.

As I wrote Chinese New Year greetings to friends today, my angst inevitably spilled onto the cards. How lucky to have friends I trust to hold space for my distress, even as I wish them prosperity and health this Fire Horse year. They understand that writing helps me process, and maybe the transitions I make on the page help them, too?
” *sigh* Anyway — This year I intend to output that much more love and tighten connections more — find even more ways to amplify unity energy… All while I protect my own sanity and strength… We stand TOGETHER! It’s the best way through, which is the only way out. All of our best leadership skills are CALLED FORTH. We are TESTED. And so we SHOW UP!
OH YEAH, DIY PEP TALK. BRING IT.” –Written to a LOH cohortmate today.

I feel angry at what the federal government is doing to people in the name of immigration control. I am disgusted by the utter lack of accountability demonstrated in myriad acts of state sanctioned violent force against unarmed people. I seethe at the state of our politics and the utter impotence of elected officials to act like adults and negotiate policy respectfully, honestly, and in good faith.
I seek outlets for the anger, modes through which to transform this energy into something constructive rather than corrosive. I read today that bell hooks once asked Thich Nhat Hanh about anger, and he told her to use it as ‘compost’. Brilliant. Kind of reminds me of my Sh*tpile post back in 2015.

So how will my courage emerge and manifest? What am I willing to risk to stand up for my values? I do not live or work where ICE operates in Chicago. My job and activities keep me secluded from areas of conflict. I don’t like crowds or protests.
Is it courageous to continue seeking connection with my Red voting friends and acquaintances? Because that is what I feel called to do, even/especially when it’s hard.
I don’t see many people doing it, and I’d rate my skills at about a 6/10, maybe 7, depending on how I define my goals in any given conversation. Mostly I aim to foster mutual understanding. Usually l walk away feeling that I understand, and not sure that I’m understood. I wish my conversation partners would ask me as many open ended questions as I ask them. The only way to facilitate this is to continue connecting.

Message to Red voting friend yesterday: “____, would you be interested in another call soon?” Five minutes later the reply: “yes I would” 18 hours later, we have a date and time set.

Tested and Called. Anger and Courage. Openness, Curiosity, Empathy, Compassion, and Relationship. It’s all still worth working for, practicing, training, and leading. ODOMOBaaT.

Please find below examples of courage and leadership that held me up this weekend. Many thanks to friends Sharon and Troy who shared them with me.

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s remarks at the World Economic Forum (starts at 7:30)

Interview with President of Finland Alexander Stubb, also during the World Economic Forum

The difference between Loyal Opposition and Resistance

Love Notes for Bridging Difference

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The PA student wellness talk went great! 42 or so junior colleagues engaged with me and my badly designed PowerPoint for ninety minutes and I had the BEST time! I realized this morning that for the youngest of them (about half the class), the pandemic hit during high school and the beginning of college. It reminds me of The Fourth Turning and how significantly the intersection of phase of life with momentous human events influences our world views. This summer I was challenged to address the impact of generational differences on organizational culture in a corporate wellness talk, and I started to see age and generation as another form of diversity.

“Respect and challenge the hierarchy,” occurred to me for students this year. We elders (some very elder indeed) still run things, and our experience and wisdom matter. We also have much to learn from our juniors, from their fresh and diverse perspectives. If we can all lead, from any chair, by humble and confident example, our professional culture will progress toward stronger inclusiveness and mutual respect.

I continue to seek conversation and connection with both conservative and progressive friends around politics. But I want to go deeper than news headlines and the loudest arguments. I want to know what core goals and values we share, to start walking together to see where our paths diverge. Where are our shared destinations, and why do you choose 90/94 while I choose Lake Shore Drive? What are the dis/advantages of each, what are the trade-offs?

I am really starting to miss more long form posting here, how fascinating! We are 60% through this daily blogging challenge. Many thanks to all who have followed along (Hi Mick and Donna!), and welcome to any new friends! Now let’s see how much love we can find across difference:

  1. Keep your antennae tuned for those who would divide us to serve their own purposes. This is NOT our better nature. Resist them and stay connected!

2. You and I disagree on this today. That may not necessarily be the case in the future. We can keep our minds open to change, without shame or judgement.

3. You don’t believe everything I believe. But let us not let that stop us from staying curious and connecting anyway. May we see light in each other no matter what.

4. The holidays can challenge our patience and resilience to triggers. *deep breath* May we stand firmly in love and ties of respect and shared history to get us through gratefully.

5. Our biases come honestly or not, we inherit many and form others organically. It’s a human thing. But let us hold them loosely and let them go to connect to one another.

6. Today and all days, may our differences feel softer, less threatening, and approachable with openness, light, and optimism for connection.

7. How wonderfully diverse we all are! How boring the world would be if we were all the same! May we appreciate and celebrate every spectrum!

8. To my friends who vote differently and sit with me over a meal or coffee to discuss–thank you. Our persistent and resilient connection gives me hope for our future.

9. I love you because we share important things in common. And the places where we differ teach me, make me better. Because of our love.

10. One deep breath can be the difference between a connecting moment and a destructive one. Let our breath give us the space to make the connecting choice.

11. Humility Curiosity Empathy Kindness Generosity — Is there any theme of love note NOT founded on these?

12. These fun music mash-ups like AC/DC-BeeGees — If we can so easily and artfullly blend divergent melodic creations, why not try with our policy ideas? We are a creative species, no?

Oh, I like this set, friends. Onward to 30!

Start Where It’s Safe; Make It Safe For Each Other

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When and where is it safe for you to disagree strongly and still maintain healthy relationship?

My friend and I had a brief text exchange recently.
Me: “…I wonder when they will start profiling East Asians on the street. My kids and I all live in target cities. It’s less and less safe to be non-white.”
Friend: “You’re citizens; no need to worry.”
Me: “Citizens have been picked up and detained already. Lots to worry about on many fronts. Please do not dismiss people’s concerns, even if you don’t share them. They are not all unfounded.”

Our friendship has developed over a couple of years, accelerating and deepening this year around and through mutually respectful and unreserved political discourse. This thread occurred spontaneously last week. I felt safe to express my fears as well as my reaction to his response. I know he did not mean to dismiss my feelings; he knew that my response was meant to uphold mutual accountability rather than incite shame. Our relationship is now strong and trusting enough for us to be bluntly, caringly honest. We caught up on the phone today and reaffirmed that respect and trust, that bond of platonic love that transends difference even as we embrace and grapple with it. I cannot wait to sit down over lunch and explore each other’s perspectives again soon.

This summer I gave a series of wellness presentations to a global professional firm. Over five Zoom sessions we explored self-awareness and -regulation, open and honest communication, generational differences, variables of diversity, psychological safety, authenticity, leadership, and culture. I did my best to leave an impression and aspiration of empathy, compassion, and accountability in action and relationship, to be cultivated intentionally, both individually and collectively, in the year to come. In all of my conversations with the series organizers before and since, we continue to seek the attitudes, postures, resources, and practices that help a workforce engage and contribute, dissent and challenge, all in the name of elevated collaboration and excellence.

This weekend I traveled to New York City (hence this delayed post) to meet Andy “AJ” Wilson-Taylor and my fellow fans. I only knew two other attendees walking in, and was welcomed and folded into a truly unique throng of uplift and bonding. This community, led by a loving, humble, curious, generous, and kind soul, reflects and amplifies those qualities and values in spades. The brightest love and joy radiated from every person gathered; oxytocin flowed and saturated my whole being. I wondered aloud to more than a few people about the possibilities of capturing the energy of that assembly–the joy, love, shared humanity and connection–concentrating and focusing it, then aiming it to heal the wounds of the world. Members of this group, led by AJ in his unassuming and self-effacing way, have already healed themselves and one another in presence, encouragement, and steadfast mutual support through darkness and disconnection back to light and flourishing kinship.

I pondered this weekend what political discourse would look and feel like in these groups–collegial coworkers practicing interpersonal effectiveness to leverage diversity and elevate creativity and innovation, and a gathering of women brought together by shared love and admiration of a man whose purpose in their space is to ally with and elevate their personal, sexual, and social well-being.

Then yesterday Braver Angels hosted an extemporaneous gathering of leaders from bridging organizations across the country: “Dignity Over Violence: A Unified Civic Response”. I hope to have a link to the recording to share here soon. Claim hope, my friends. This movement of intentional, resilient, and empowering connection across political polarization grows stronger and tighter every year. Love can still win. Over the two hour program, at least twelve leaders both acknowledged what is and pointed to what could be. They cited words and acts of people across the political spectrum, from every demographic, that defy the loudly skewed rhetoric of extremes. In this, yet another mission-driven gathering, I felt an unwavering commitment to mutual understanding and connection, to humility, curiosity, empathy, generosity, and accountability.

“When you hear something triggering, take a deep breath and ask a [good, open and honest] question. Try to understand why that person believes what they believe.” This is the first step to any exchange of true connection.

All systems of human relationship require us all to practice these skills. We cannot just rely on designated leaders to lead by example (especially since so few today do so). Each of us must take up the cause of connection and get to work; more urgently now than ever in my lifetime. But how daunting, to consider reaching across a great political chasm to connect with an adversary, real or perceived?

So after this weekend immersed in gatherings of hope and possibility, I remember that any skill must be developed and cultivated deliberately, consistently, and iteratively. As I prepared to leave the office at 8pm today, I debated briefly about doing my five minutes on the slackboard. Consistency. Commitment. Every session on the slackline, no matter how brief, is another chance to train my nervous system in sensory awareness, feedback integration, and dynamic balance. Over the course of 2.5 songs on my Spotify liked list, I had the best session to date. So too, political discource can be trained in the workplace, in a social gathering, in a family–anywhere and with anybody–by practicing humility, curiosity, empathy, generosity, kindness, and accountability in any relationship system around any topic. We all do it, but I bet we don’t think of it in these terms.

The slackboard, a Braver Angels Zoom call, an AJ’s Angels meet up, my wellness talks, and my conversations with Friend–these are all spaces where I feel safe to express my authentic self. I can challenge staid and conventional social norms, explore the possible. I practice and develop the skills that make me confident to engage in political discourse calmly and with equanimity. Come to think of it, patient encounters train me for this every day, too.

So I ask again: When and where is it safe for you to disagree strongly and still maintain healthy relationship?

Where do you already do this well? When you disagree without getting triggered, how do you show up and conduct yourself? How can you translate this mindset and behavior pattern to the more fraught and emotionally higher risk scenarios? What do you need to feel safe to try/train? Can you identify the ladder of escalating potential triggers to tackle, the way a skier progresses from green to blue to black diamond trails? Can you schedule practice sessions the way an athlete trains for a race, so you can hone the skills, see and feel yourself improving with each encounter?

How can we all make it safe for one another to practice? Like accountability partners at the gym, how can we hold each other up in this effort to save our democracy, to reconnect across polarization and mutual dehumanization, one conversation at a time?

Humility. Curiosity. Empathy. Generosity. Kindness. Accountability. Start where it’s safe and easy. Then look for the next challenge. We grow and strengthen through struggle. Environments and circumstances that feel threatening are not conducive to learning or progress. We can create and cultivate safety for effective disagreement for ourselves and one another. Take a deep breath and ask one good, open, honest question. Start there.