Kinder, Gentler, Please

Print found in Parents’ basement this weekend; from October, 1988

Old memories can help us reframe the present.

I post late this week for good reason–I spent the weekend in my Happy Place and was both too giddy and too pensive to draft anything on the plane last night. Daughter and I went home to Colorado to go through my stuff in Parents’ house, a last girls’ getaway before our college road trip in a few weeks. We culled five boxes of report cards, notebooks, Trapper folders, workbooks, test scores, letters and documents to one box of photos, mementos, and original words and art.

Among the finds was a stash of photo prints from when then Vice President George Bush stopped at my high school on his presidential campaign in 1988. I got to share the stage with him and some of my schoolmates; I’m convinced I got to sit next to him because I was (still am) short enough to not block anyone’s view of his face. My friend and I spoke that day about our chapter of Students Against Driving Drunk; I had to stand on my tip toes to reach the microphone. One of the photographs from that day, with him and me in the foreground, is now a Geddy Image.

I was completely politically uninformed and uninterested back in 1988. I heard a classmate criticizing ‘bleeding heart liberals’ in the cafeteria once and I had no idea what those words meant. Looking back, what I remember most about Bush the First then and onward is his decency. As I matured into liberal progressiveness, I still heard his words as earnest and forthright, principled and moderate, always looking to the greater/greatest good ahead of narrow ideology or partisan rhetoric. I see fewer and fewer politicians this way today, though a few still shine forth.

I remember that he spoke of a ‘kinder, gentler’ America–was it just once or multiple times? I searched briefly and found his inaugural speech. The full text is copied below; I invite you to read through it slowly and consider the context of the time–January 20, 1989. What phase of life was that for you? How did you view politics and politicians then? As you read the speech, imagine the words being delivered in 2009, 2017, or now. Imagine in 1989 that they were read by a new Democratic President. The juxtapositions are a little mindbending, no?

When I read this speech, I take issue with some of the rhetoric, but only some, and only mildly. I imagine that I could easily sit down with him and/or his speechwriter and clarify the parts where the word choice and apparent biases and assumptions grate on me, and discuss the complexities of abortion and supporting women who take their unintended pregnancies to term, and their babies. None of this speech inflames or agitates me. I understand that some of it has to be rhetoric and point to policy and agenda. But most of it strikes me as a higher order ethos, a call to ground in shared humanity and common goals. I admire this speech the way I have admired so many of Barack Obama’s orations and writings.

And yet when I look at this campaign literature, also saved from that day, that inclusive ethos is missing. This reminds me much more of contemporary conservative rhetoric; it comes across as othering, punitive, unempathetic, and borderline dehumanizing–seen, of course, through my present day progressive lens. It just makes me notice how we present ourselves and our messages in different contexts, depending on what impressions we wish to leave or what attitudes and behaviors we aim to encourage or incite.

Platforms are powerful. Leaders set the tone for the spaces and people they lead; culture is set at the very top, by words, actions, and relationships.

There is no comparison. Between the man who sat next to me on that stage my sophomore year in high school and the man occupying the White House today, the gap in ethics, character, and leadership dwarfs the Grand Canyon. How far we have fallen, my friends. It is beyond embarrassing and disgraceful.

How do we come back from this? What hope can we cling to for overcoming the division and mutual loathing that drives our politics and discourse into stalemate and brinksmanship so far ahead of good faith, iterative negotiation and compromise? I think reading words from respectable steward-leaders from the past and present, then amplifying, emulating, and applying them is a good start. So when I have time, I will find other speeches and speakers I admire for their ability to inspire and arouse our kinder, gentler, more inclusive impulses, and amplify them. Who does this for you?

Inaugural Address of George Bush

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 1989

Mr. Chief Justice, Mr. President, Vice President Quayle, Senator Mitchell, Speaker Wright, Senator Dole, Congressman Michel, and fellow citizens, neighbors, and friends:

There is a man here who has earned a lasting place in our hearts and in our history. President Reagan, on behalf of our Nation, I thank you for the wonderful things that you have done for America.

I have just repeated word for word the oath taken by George Washington 200 years ago, and the Bible on which I placed my hand is the Bible on which he placed his. It is right that the memory of Washington be with us today, not only because this is our Bicentennial Inauguration, but because Washington remains the Father of our Country. And he would, I think, be gladdened by this day; for today is the concrete expression of a stunning fact: our continuity these 200 years since our government began.

We meet on democracy’s front porch, a good place to talk as neighbors and as friends. For this is a day when our nation is made whole, when our differences, for a moment, are suspended.

And my first act as President is a prayer. I ask you to bow your heads:

Heavenly Father, we bow our heads and thank You for Your love. Accept our thanks for the peace that yields this day and the shared faith that makes its continuance likely. Make us strong to do Your work, willing to heed and hear Your will, and write on our hearts these words: “Use power to help people.” For we are given power not to advance our own purposes, nor to make a great show in the world, nor a name. There is but one just use of power, and it is to serve people. Help us to remember it, Lord. Amen.

I come before you and assume the Presidency at a moment rich with promise. We live in a peaceful, prosperous time, but we can make it better. For a new breeze is blowing, and a world refreshed by freedom seems reborn; for in man’s heart, if not in fact, the day of the dictator is over. The totalitarian era is passing, its old ideas blown away like leaves from an ancient, lifeless tree. A new breeze is blowing, and a nation refreshed by freedom stands ready to push on. There is new ground to be broken, and new action to be taken. There are times when the future seems thick as a fog; you sit and wait, hoping the mists will lift and reveal the right path. But this is a time when the future seems a door you can walk right through into a room called tomorrow.

Great nations of the world are moving toward democracy through the door to freedom. Men and women of the world move toward free markets through the door to prosperity. The people of the world agitate for free expression and free thought through the door to the moral and intellectual satisfactions that only liberty allows.

We know what works: Freedom works. We know what’s right: Freedom is right. We know how to secure a more just and prosperous life for man on Earth: through free markets, free speech, free elections, and the exercise of free will unhampered by the state.

For the first time in this century, for the first time in perhaps all history, man does not have to invent a system by which to live. We don’t have to talk late into the night about which form of government is better. We don’t have to wrest justice from the kings. We only have to summon it from within ourselves. We must act on what we know. I take as my guide the hope of a saint: In crucial things, unity; in important things, diversity; in all things, generosity.

America today is a proud, free nation, decent and civil, a place we cannot help but love. We know in our hearts, not loudly and proudly, but as a simple fact, that this country has meaning beyond what we see, and that our strength is a force for good. But have we changed as a nation even in our time? Are we enthralled with material things, less appreciative of the nobility of work and sacrifice?

My friends, we are not the sum of our possessions. They are not the measure of our lives. In our hearts we know what matters. We cannot hope only to leave our children a bigger car, a bigger bank account. We must hope to give them a sense of what it means to be a loyal friend, a loving parent, a citizen who leaves his home, his neighborhood and town better than he found it. What do we want the men and women who work with us to say when we are no longer there? That we were more driven to succeed than anyone around us? Or that we stopped to ask if a sick child had gotten better, and stayed a moment there to trade a word of friendship?

No President, no government, can teach us to remember what is best in what we are. But if the man you have chosen to lead this government can help make a difference; if he can celebrate the quieter, deeper successes that are made not of gold and silk, but of better hearts and finer souls; if he can do these things, then he must.

America is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as a people have such a purpose today. It is to make kinder the face of the Nation and gentler the face of the world. My friends, we have work to do. There are the homeless, lost and roaming. There are the children who have nothing, no love, no normalcy. There are those who cannot free themselves of enslavement to whatever addiction–drugs, welfare, the demoralization that rules the slums. There is crime to be conquered, the rough crime of the streets. There are young women to be helped who are about to become mothers of children they can’t care for and might not love. They need our care, our guidance, and our education, though we bless them for choosing life.

The old solution, the old way, was to think that public money alone could end these problems. But we have learned that is not so. And in any case, our funds are low. We have a deficit to bring down. We have more will than wallet; but will is what we need. We will make the hard choices, looking at what we have and perhaps allocating it differently, making our decisions based on honest need and prudent safety. And then we will do the wisest thing of all: We will turn to the only resource we have that in times of need always grows–the goodness and the courage of the American people.

I am speaking of a new engagement in the lives of others, a new activism, hands-on and involved, that gets the job done. We must bring in the generations, harnessing the unused talent of the elderly and the unfocused energy of the young. For not only leadership is passed from generation to generation, but so is stewardship. And the generation born after the Second World War has come of age.

I have spoken of a thousand points of light, of all the community organizations that are spread like stars throughout the Nation, doing good. We will work hand in hand, encouraging, sometimes leading, sometimes being led, rewarding. We will work on this in the White House, in the Cabinet agencies. I will go to the people and the programs that are the brighter points of light, and I will ask every member of my government to become involved. The old ideas are new again because they are not old, they are timeless: duty, sacrifice, commitment, and a patriotism that finds its expression in taking part and pitching in.

We need a new engagement, too, between the Executive and the Congress. The challenges before us will be thrashed out with the House and the Senate. We must bring the Federal budget into balance. And we must ensure that America stands before the world united, strong, at peace, and fiscally sound. But, of course, things may be difficult. We need compromise; we have had dissension. We need harmony; we have had a chorus of discordant voices.

For Congress, too, has changed in our time. There has grown a certain divisiveness. We have seen the hard looks and heard the statements in which not each other’s ideas are challenged, but each other’s motives. And our great parties have too often been far apart and untrusting of each other. It has been this way since Vietnam. That war cleaves us still. But, friends, that war began in earnest a quarter of a century ago; and surely the statute of limitations has been reached. This is a fact: The final lesson of Vietnam is that no great nation can long afford to be sundered by a memory. A new breeze is blowing, and the old bipartisanship must be made new again.

To my friends–and yes, I do mean friends–in the loyal opposition–and yes, I mean loyal: I put out my hand. I am putting out my hand to you, Mr. Speaker. I am putting out my hand to you Mr. Majority Leader. For this is the thing: This is the age of the offered hand. We can’t turn back clocks, and I don’t want to. But when our fathers were young, Mr. Speaker, our differences ended at the water’s edge. And we don’t wish to turn back time, but when our mothers were young, Mr. Majority Leader, the Congress and the Executive were capable of working together to produce a budget on which this nation could live. Let us negotiate soon and hard. But in the end, let us produce. The American people await action. They didn’t send us here to bicker. They ask us to rise above the merely partisan. “In crucial things, unity”–and this, my friends, is crucial.

To the world, too, we offer new engagement and a renewed vow: We will stay strong to protect the peace. The “offered hand” is a reluctant fist; but once made, strong, and can be used with great effect. There are today Americans who are held against their will in foreign lands, and Americans who are unaccounted for. Assistance can be shown here, and will be long remembered. Good will begets good will. Good faith can be a spiral that endlessly moves on.

Great nations like great men must keep their word. When America says something, America means it, whether a treaty or an agreement or a vow made on marble steps. We will always try to speak clearly, for candor is a compliment, but subtlety, too, is good and has its place. While keeping our alliances and friendships around the world strong, ever strong, we will continue the new closeness with the Soviet Union, consistent both with our security and with progress. One might say that our new relationship in part reflects the triumph of hope and strength over experience. But hope is good, and so are strength and vigilance.

Here today are tens of thousands of our citizens who feel the understandable satisfaction of those who have taken part in democracy and seen their hopes fulfilled. But my thoughts have been turning the past few days to those who would be watching at home to an older fellow who will throw a salute by himself when the flag goes by, and the woman who will tell her sons the words of the battle hymns. I don’t mean this to be sentimental. I mean that on days like this, we remember that we are all part of a continuum, inescapably connected by the ties that bind.

Our children are watching in schools throughout our great land. And to them I say, thank you for watching democracy’s big day. For democracy belongs to us all, and freedom is like a beautiful kite that can go higher and higher with the breeze. And to all I say: No matter what your circumstances or where you are, you are part of this day, you are part of the life of our great nation.

A President is neither prince nor pope, and I don’t seek a window on men’s souls. In fact, I yearn for a greater tolerance, an easy- goingness about each other’s attitudes and way of life.

There are few clear areas in which we as a society must rise up united and express our intolerance. The most obvious now is drugs. And when that first cocaine was smuggled in on a ship, it may as well have been a deadly bacteria, so much has it hurt the body, the soul of our country. And there is much to be done and to be said, but take my word for it: This scourge will stop.

And so, there is much to do; and tomorrow the work begins. I do not mistrust the future; I do not fear what is ahead. For our problems are large, but our heart is larger. Our challenges are great, but our will is greater. And if our flaws are endless, God’s love is truly boundless.

Some see leadership as high drama, and the sound of trumpets calling, and sometimes it is that. But I see history as a book with many pages, and each day we fill a page with acts of hopefulness and meaning. The new breeze blows, a page turns, the story unfolds. And so today a chapter begins, a small and stately story of unity, diversity, and generosity–shared, and written, together.

Thank you. God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

This Moment

5 talks to prepare in the next eight weeks.
Blog post to write.
Dinner to cook.

But all I wanted to do is write to my friend. Not just jar smiles, but a letter. Connect in long form, right now. Because this was a big week and weekend and I wanted to share it.

Daughter graduated high school and turned 18 on the same day. Family came and went from my house for six days in a row; I woke up each morning having to run the list to keep track of everybody. Our family has been through things over the years; getting to this point of pending empty nest was, at times, not guaranteed. We got through it all together, one breath at at time. This moment is a big deal in our family. This moment is a big deal for our country. All of this on my heart, I wanted to do nothing but write to my friend, before any of my other tasks and obligations. I’m getting better and braver at letting my intuition guide me, and I have yet to regret it.

Turns out I want to share what I wrote with all of you, too:

“…I write to you today because this moment in life feels important. The No Kings protests marched all across the country yesterday as most of my family were basically offline and absorbed in ourselves. We read about the two political shootings in Minnesota and I felt a little guilty not participating in any larger demonstrations of my values. And I reconciled it by attending to the connections in my own tight circle. We have disagreements and friction within my own family and I see my navigating and mediating these peacefully and mindfully as an important contribution to society–small and mighty. 🙂

“There are so many calls to ‘fight,’ so many adversarial, us vs. them, good vs. evil narratives surrounding us right now. And while I abhor so many actions taken by ‘leaders,’ I still resist to call them evil and dehumanize them… That feels antithetical to the ethos of love and connection that I wish/strive to live by… But OMG it is challenging to resist that ad hominem train! *sigh*

“…This weekend I begin creating five new talks for this summer, to be delivered to [XXX corporation]… As I consider how to address their wellness challenges, many of which are relational, I come back, as I so often do, to core principles of humility, curiosity, empathy, and connection. My intent is to light the spark of togetherness, mutual caring and uplift, and collaboration, starting with the premise that we all matter, and that no matter what chair we occupy in the orchestra, we can and do lead from exactly where we sit. Each and every one of us matters to the whole–WE ARE THE SYSTEM–and embracing that fundamental first principle changes everything–don’t you think? If we all matter, then I need to know how I affect you, and vice versa. We need better self-awareness, self-regulation, and effective communication skills to get the work done and not burn out doing it! And having talked to people and learned how we operate individually and in groups my whole career, I feel qualified to help here! And who knows–this could be the start of something that grows; I could possibly help more people than just my one patient at a time! SO many possibilities!”

This moment, my friends.

We get to decide how we show up, and for what, over and again, in resilient, optimistic learning and persistence, in love and connection, in faith and confidence that we can do what is needed to heal the ragged tears in our social fabric, one encounter, one conversation, one relationship at a time.

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Connecting Through Meaning

Sometimes you just know connection is imminent and when it happens, your world sparkles better than the best fireworks over the clearest water.

I follow AJ, a wonderful artist and creator, and joined his Patreon. He invites questions from patrons and answers them on monthly videos. He is a lovely human above all, and also a musician, a composer, a filmmaker, a lover of all forms of life, and a remarkably effective gatherer and leader of community. He is generous, kind, honest, humble, and an empath. AND he’s a NERD! So when I started to noodle on the nature of meaning, I knew I had to invite him to think with me. The question:

“Thinking about the aspects of meaning. If we were to plot meaning on some kind of 3D map, what would the axes be? What is the nature of meaning? I’ve never asked this before so I’m only starting to wonder. So far I’m considering x = cognitive, y = emotional, z = relational. Or combine cognitive and emotional into x = psychological, y = relational, z = importance. Or maybe it’s just not a useful or worthy idea? It’s just fascinating to me that we can all observe the exact same event, article, speech, etc. and each come away with wildly divergent experiences. How do we make these experiences for ourselves and how can we more easily and effectively understand, empathize with, and hold space and love for experiences that diverge from our own? What think you…?”

Over a few days my own cogitation persisted:

If we define meaning as a 3-dimensional entity, then it has a volume and a density, among other properties. It is also fluid, I decided. Meaning in any moment can change, shift, and/or transform, according to values, goals, context, additional information, perception, and experience. The scale of each axis can be defined ad hoc, for example, linear or exponential, by minute or millenia, atomic or cosmic. There are just so many ways to consider, to imagine, to analogize, am I right? It’s one of the FUNNEST and most joyfully mind-bending questions I have ever asked, I think! I literally made myself giggle with it.

Interestingly, I stopped wondering and felt content to pause my exploration once I decided meaning is like a murmuration of starlings (see embedded link for another time I made this analogy). It is finite, has a shape that moves and changes conformation constantly, freely, and fliuidly but not randomly. It shifts in response to both extrinsic and intrinsic signals. It exemplifies A5R, no (this just occurred to me as I write now)? Attune, Attend, Assess, Adjust, Adapt, Repeat.

Meaning, like a murmuration, is alive. How awesome!

Not many people may appreciate or share the deep, giddy, goofy joy I get from this exploration, but I was pretty sure AJ would. Here are highlights from his video response:

“Cathy, what an unbelievably interesting question. I-I love that!” (said with that squinting, nose bridge wrinkling expression of joy) “That’s going to get the old cogs turning in my brain, I know it… What I want to do… is just sit silently for about 45 minutes thinking about it…” What made it “particularly compelling for me is: How are all of own personal axes calibrated?”
YAAAAASSS!!!
“And what does that say about how we perceive and experience particular events and what makes them meaningful to us, and therefore, is it that our axes being calibrated in a similar way to one another, is that what allows us to relate more closely to each other and perceive the world in the same way? If yes, what are the contributing factors to an individual’s calibration?”
AGAIN, YES!! Oh my goodness, I feel so seen by this response!

These are exactly the questions I wish for us all to take time and energy to ask and explore. I’m not that interested in or attached to any particular answers, because 1) meaning is limbic and any verbal answer is likely a cognitive rationalization [NO judgment here–we all do it and it’s how we get through life–I just want us to admit and accept it], and 2) any meaning we make now is likely to evolve, and I want us to be aware of and embrace that constant evolution, to always stay open to it for ourselves and one another.

Imagine how much more collaboration, less conflict, and greater connection we could all enjoy if we could be more acutely and honestly attuned and attentive to how we make our own meaning, and hold bigger and more loving space for how other people make theirs?

AJ agreed that psychological, relational, and importance are three good axes to start with. How validating, to have another thoughtful mind appreciate the thinking that I already did–he even acknowledged how combining cognitive and emotional into psychlogical ‘freed up’ the third axis to add another dimension–Exactly! He called it analytical and insightful, and said my perspective was ‘finely tuned’. Why thank you, thank you very much. *sigh*

In the end, my friends, aren’t connections made through shared meaning the most–ha!–meaningful ones we can have? And don’t they just make life so much better?

“I’m so grateful that you’ve written that down,” AJ said at the end.
So am I, dear one. So. Am. I.