“In some blog can you give us more what holding patience etc. means? I was trying to explain to Kate (spouse) and [not] sure I was giving a good explanation. [I] would like to do more of this practice.”

Thanks for asking, Patty! I hope I can answer your question tonight.

Last night I debated whether to entitle the post Holding Patience or Holding Presence. I see these practices as intertwined. It’s about mindfulness, applied to our inner struggles and those of others.

Mindfulness is defined by many as being in and with the present moment, whatever and however it is, without judgement or resistance. It’s so much easier said than done, especially when the present moment is uncomfortable, difficult, traumatic, and threatening. Mindfulness is an allowing, an active rather than passive acceptance–a firm, stable, non-adversarial and peaceful presence, not a resignation.

What I meant to convey last night is that when we are present with our difficult emotions, when their intensity feels overwhelming and we cannot find our way out just yet, rather than deny, dismiss, judge, or try to control them, we simply allow them to run their course, however long that takes. It’s okay to observe our feelings and sense how they impact our thoughts, perceptions, reactions, and interactions. Allowing is different from wallowing. To me allowing feels like sitting on the beach and letting the water come and go, noticing how each wave has both its own rhythm and shape and also shares its nature with every other wave that day, at that place in time. Wallowing feels more like throwing myself into the water, fighting to stay upright as the waves come, immersing in them, barely able to gasp for air in between the onslaughts. I’m not sure this analogy is totally accurate–it’s late and I’m a bit fried from the work week. Allowing exercises agency; wallowing does not.

Holding Patience is about Holding Presence over time, allowing things to unfold and emerge on their own pulse. It’s about mindful self-regulation, compassion for self and others, meeting us each and all wherever we are. It’s so abstract, I know. I picture us each on a path, paradoxically each to our own and also shared with one another. Some of us jog, some stroll, some huddle, some stand. Whenever any of us interact, we each attune to the other, adjusting our gait, speed, energy, vibration–to resonate with the other–so not moving at the same speed or intensity, necessarily, but in ways that complement one another and promote each other’s ways of being right now, rather than hindering or opposing them. I imagine a fluid movement of all of us, breathing, attending to ourselves and one another in mutual respect and reverence.

This Holding allows space and time for tension and agitation, allows for these vibrations to dissipate and dampen in their natural course. No forcing, no pressure. This allows easier observation of the evolution of feelings, thoughts, relationships, conclusions, and consequences in context. It’s a paradoxically first hand, experiential awareness along with a detached consideration.

On election day I wrote:
I hold space for us to RAIN the hard feelings, as Tara Brach teaches–Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture–if we want. I can also simply sit (stand, hunch, squat) with us, hold it all with us, be with us. We don’t have to do anything else right now.

This feels like Holding Patience and Presence to me.

From Tara Brach’s website:

The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:

• Recognize what is happening;
• Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
• Investigate with interest and care;
• Nurture with self-compassion.

Maybe we don’t necessarily have to do it in order. We can Allow before we actually Recognize or name anything. We can Investigate in small bites, over whatever timeline we can tolerate or are able. And we can Nurture ourselves the entire time, holding compassion for ourselves and others. And maybe we don’t have to follow any structure at all–just remembering the concepts themselves can de-escalate our sense of urgency to have everything figured out, tied up, closed, and put behind us.

Does that help? I can barely think straight right now, closing my eyes, feeling for the words from the inside, below the neck. It looks like what I mean. Maybe it will look very different in the morning. Thank you again for asking, Patty. Your engagement allowed me to revisit ideas I had put down after I posted last night. How delightful.

I Hold Presence for Us, my friends, because it helps me stay patient and peaceful.