Monthly Archives: November 2023

Self-Compassion

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“I have found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most peole have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” —Kristin Neff

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” —Brene Brown

I’m tired tonight, y’all. And this is a big topic. So I give myself permission to stay in the shallows for this post–no deep explorations and hours spent searching citations. Just some honest reflections and aspirations. To learn more about self-compassion and evidence for its benefits, visit Kristin Neff’s website and check out her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. From her website page on the definition of self-compassion:

“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

What’s already good in my self-compassion practice?
–I no longer call myself names. I own that I sometimes say and do thoughtless, inconsiderate, obtuse, and bitchy things. But I don’t label myself with these adjectives. I no longer say things like “I’m being a bitch,” or, “Oh my god, I’m so stupid.” I make clear on my social media accounts that ad hominem is unwelcome. There is also no place for it in my own head.
–I avoid self-indulgence by maintaining compassionate accountability to myself. This overlaps with (encompasses, maybe?) practices in honesty, mindfulness, integrity, forgiveness, judgment, and commitment, all topics to be addressed this month–everything is connected.
–Upholding my own self-compassion helps me maintain my growth mindset. While I allow myself to identify with fixed traits such as ‘smart,’ ‘creative,’ or ‘badass,’ I can hold these labels loosely and also allow for wild imperfection and failure–for myself to be human in all of my smart, creative, and badass endeavors. I am freed to be both wholly all of these things and more, and also a perpetual work in progress.

How could my self-compassion practice be better?
–Explore more the paradoxical polarity of enough and not enough–I am enough as is, and I am also always improving–so what do enough and not enough actually mean? “You are perfect, …and you have a lot work to do,” I read years ago. Love it. Makes to total intuitive sense, and I want to live into it more deeply.
–Look for the still insidious ways self-criticism appears, and hold it with kindness. I know there’s a lot there in my body image, especially as aging accelerates. And when I find self-loathing and -judgment, I can practice my compassion on that, rather than meta-judgment of the judgment, which doesn’t help anyone. I bet I could query arenas where I feel like an imposter; that’s probably pretty good fodder.

How does our society do self-compassion well already?

Awareness. Authors like Kristin Neff, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Richard Rohr, and the Dalai Lama bring self-compassion concepts from esoteric academic and spiritual theory to practical life skills. Their books, articles, podcasts, interviews, and websites offer the lay public copious access to all things self-care, connection, and inner peace. Communities of folks seeking comfort and connection form, mindful presence ensues, and good things happen all around. Like mindfulness, self-compassion is making its way into mainstream consciousness as something to develop rather than to shun and dismiss.

How could we do it better?

Normalize it. The distinction between self-compassion and self-indulgence still needs reinforcement. Being kind to onself in a moment or period of hardship does not mean shirking responsibility, is not a character flaw, and does not lead to a future of fruitless debauchery. Allowing health habits to loosen a little in the midst of life chaos does not warrant harsh self-recrimination. The practice of imagining a friend going through the same challenges and what we would say to them, then saying that to ourselves, really helps here. Oh and we should say those things to our friends out loud, too.

Strengthen Accountability. Even if we succeed in distinguishing the above, I think people still need reassurance that we won’t all become listless moochers just looking for excuses and free rides for everything. As an aside, what is with that cultural fear of ours, anyway? By accountability I don’t mean punishment or shame. I mean owning our mistakes and the impact we have on others, standing convicted not in public opinion but in our core values. Accountability and self-compassion together help us present ‘strong back, soft front’ to ourselves, developing both intrinsic strength and courage as well as openness and vulnerability. Ultimately, the best outcome is that we then present this way to others, offering kindness and also holding them humanely accountable, and our connections and communities tighten in love.

Amplify the Benefits. When we see someone we care about lambasting themselves, we can help. As we show more loving kindness to ourselves, we are more willing and likely to do the same for others. Mercy, grace, empathy, tenderness–can we look individually and collectively inward and see the rewards of offering these to ourselves, and then to one another? It doesn’t take much to imagine, does it? We can start one on one, with people we care most about, whom we truly love. Then we can extend it to strangers, then to members of out-groups whom we may initially and automatically judge harshly by way of stereotype and prejudice. Strong self-compassion practice can translate to recognition of every person’s innate humanity, reframing even our most destructive behaviors in humane rather than dehumanizing light. “The smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in me sees the smart, creative, wildly imperfect badass in you.” It all starts with healthy relationship to self.

So was this even coherent? Good night, all, I’m going to bed. Back tomorrow on polarity management, woohooooooo, that’ll be fun.

Mindfulness

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Photo by Lyra Luu, Schalenbrunnen im Botanischen Garten, Munich, June 2023

I count 47 posts on this blog when I search ‘mindfulness.’ I talk about it almost every day with patients. Of all self-care practices I have acquired over the years, I think this is the most useful. Funny how I did not list it in the stress management post this month? Maybe because I see mindfulness as a way of being more than something I do? It really does bring me peace, for which I am both grateful and proud, as I have trained long to gain its benefits.

If you’re not yet familiar, I recommend starting at www.mindful.org. From their site:

“What is mindfulness?

“Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.

“While mindfulness is something we all naturally possess, it’s more readily available to us when we practice on a daily basis.

“Whenever you bring awareness to what you’re directly experiencing via your senses, or to your state of mind via your thoughts and emotions, you’re being mindful. And there’s growing research showing that when you train your brain to be mindful, you’re actually remodeling the physical structure of your brain.”

Ok so, how do I already do mindfulness well?
–I have a strong informal practice. Often and at any given moment, I drop (or rise) easily into awareness of my environment, the people around me and their signals, and my own physical, mental, and emotional sensations. Even when it’s uncomfortable or painful, I can hold it loosely, with openness and curiosity. I wonder how many times a day I say or think, “Huh,” “What is up with that,” and “How fascinating”? This leads me often to novel questions, which I then express to others, engaging in unexpected ways, which is almost always more rewarding that I anticipate.
–My practice helps me be present to others as they need me. When I attend to what is, resisting the pull toward what I want or what I think should be, I can empathize, validate, and reflect with others, rather than go straight to problem solving, which is seldom what people want or need.
–Mindfulness makes me a more sensitive and agile speaker. As words and expressions form in my head and exit my mouth, I monitor their intent and impact in real time. I speak quickly and at times with sharpness and irreverence, but more often with kindness and passion, and rarely without thought to every word. Is that mindfulness or conscientiousness? Probably something mutually entwined?
–I lead by example. People say they feel peaceful around me, that I have a calming effect. I attribute this to my ability to be with whatever is, in the moment, without (or with minimal) judgment, together with others.

How could my mindfulness practice be better?
–I could establish a formal sitting practice. A daily session of breath and awareness, a mental discipline to quiet the monkey mind, to strengthen my parasympathetic nervous system, would likely make me healthier in all domains. I’m just not quite moved yet to commit. But maybe if it helps my writing…
–I could read more of the masters’ works: Jon Kabat-Zinn, Thich Naht Hanh, Sharon Salzberg, Pema Chodron. Then I’d be more knowledgeable, could maybe explain it better to people whom I think could benefit. ..and if it helps my writing…
–Overall I’m pretty satisfied with current state. I faced trials of the last several years with relative equanimity, and the challenges themselves strengthened my practice. I trust myself to know when I need to do more, because I’m mindful enough already to notice.

What’s already good about our collective mindfulness?

Awareness. John Kabat-Zinn developed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) as a meditative therapy method for stress management in 1979. I learned nothing about it in medical school or residency. I’d say the first ten years of my career, mind-body medicine was still considered fringy; colleagues would stare blankly or even roll their eyes when I talked about it. Today mindfulness and other techniques of meditation and mind-body practices live in the mainstream, their benefits available to everybody, and fewer people feel self-conscious about participating.

Language. “Be with what is.” “Hold the space.” “Withhold judgment.” “Breathwork.” One could say that mindfulness lingo has infiltrated our general vernacular. Good. These concise phrases can moor us to a mindset of alert and relaxed presence, which makes us calmer, less impulsive, more attuned, and healthier. Words matter; the more we can use them for mutual de-escalation and connection, the better.

Connection. As mindfulness gains awareness and its expressions spread, fellow practitioners can connect more easily in any forum. They become magnets for yet others, and communities form around this attentive way of being which, nourished by strong ties, makes us better leaders by example wherever we go, to whomever we encounter. Jeez, I’m making it sound like a cult.

How could we do better together?

Teach Mindfulness In School. Mindfulness skills are life skills. Learning breath work, body awareness, and mental discipline in iterative, age appropriate ways prepares children and adolescents to tolerate and navigate an ever accelerating world of volatile change and chaos. It would be easy to incorporate skills practice into play, sports, and academics at all stages of brain and social development.

Incorporate Mindfulness Into Leadership Training. Thinking of leaders you admire, what qualities and behaviors make them great? Mine give me their full attention, make me feel seen, heard, and understood. They emote relatably, easily, and appropriately, and also carry themselves with steady, unflappable confidence. They name what is with clarity, desireable and/or not, and hold it peacefully while working consistently for change and improvement. They are honest. Thus they attract and inspire followers rather than coercing them. Healthy mindfulness skills and practice amplify and maximize relational leadership strengths by grounding leaders in self-awareness and self-regulation as foundation for outward action.

Just writing about mindfulness lowers my respiratory rate and helps me attune to myself and my surroundings better. I feel gratitude and peace, confident in my ability to face and manage whatever comes around the corner, satisfied that I have lived the present moment to its fullest. I have very little to regret if I can keep this up.

Honesty

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“How am I the asshole here?”

How often do we ask ourselves this question, let alone answer, and do so honestly? I can think of few more uncomfortable exercises. And yet, the world really needs us to do it more, each and all of us. I’m not saying we’re all assholes. I’m saying we all need to get better at owning our shit, and holding one another accountable for doing it.

How am I already honesting well?
–I ask myself the asshole question all the time. It’s humbling, no doubt. And that is the point. I keeps me mostly out of rampant self-righteousness and blame of others for any given conflict. I still tell my at-least-partially justifiable stories of injustices done to me, and I am also forced to admit injustices I perpetrate on others. This practice saves my relationships from impulsive disconnection. Taken too far, I easily fall into shame and self-loathing, but I have learned to mitigate this over the years.
–I practice loving rather than brutal honesty as much as I can. Bad news, difficult feedback, and the like are hard enough to receive, without the messenger also showing up cold and indifferent. I don’t sugar coat; I do my best to show that I see someone’s strengths and contributions as well as the things that need work. I stick to objective facts and my interpretation of them, not as truth but as perception and extrapolation, which can be modifed through questioning and deeper understanding through discussion.
–I scrutinize the stories I tell about other people, and I check in. Especially if I have an acute or disproportionately emotional reaction to something or someone, I call on the tribe, describe the event, and ask for feedback. I consistently get validation of my experience and emotions, as well as a loving challenge to consider alternate perspectives, which always makes me better.

How could I do better?
–Revise my narratives–again. Not just about individual people–my personal biases and judgments–but about groups, society, our nested and overlapping cultures. I think this is about challenging the stereotypes I hold, especially the deepest ones, which I notice more easily and admit more readily now than in the past. I can acknowledge their presence without judgment, as they are not intentionally malicious; I can simply monitor and choose not to act on them.
–Continue to query the origins of my own attitudes, prejudices, and behaviors, especially if they hinder my ability to relate and connect with others. Face them head on; reconcile them with my core values with self-compassion; commit to acting in accordance with the insights gained.
–Seize opportunities to provide honest feedback, especially the positive kind, in real time. For negative feedback, consider thoughtfully (“THINK”) whether providing it will serve the relationship or the person’s goals. Not all feedback is necessary or useful.

How does our culture already do honesty well?

Food labels. As a family with anaphylactic food allergies, we really appreciate this.

Books, film, entertainment. Sometimes it’s just easier and more effective to show than to tell. When we read novels or watch movies depicting the experiences of people very different from ourselves, somehow we are more open to empathizing and understanding than if we attended a lecture or read articles. We are less likely to form and express arguments as to why someone’s experiences are not valid, that they should not feel how they feel, that our biases and stereotypes are, in fact, correct and reliable. In moments of vulnerability on our part, we can see the cracks in our self-delusions. Fiction is one of the most honest forms of communication, if we pay attention. We can challenge our biases indirectly and in the privacy of our own thoughts, shown to us vicariously. How pleasingly ironic.

How could we do better?

Transparency and Fair Process. I’m thinking of policy, government, and organizational leadership here. Too often decisions affecting large groups of people are made without clear rationale or respectful and truly honest communication of goals, purpose, and process. I understand the importance of discretion and ‘need to know’ basis, etc. But too many of our systems operate in the dark at the upper eschelons, fostering suspicion, mistrust, disconnection, backbiting, and overall toxic work and societal envrionments in the long run. Telling people what you can tell them, acknowledging outright that you cannot tell all, and keeping communication as open and honest as possible creates a culture of safety and loyalty worth well more than its weight in rentention, reputation, and productivity, especially when things get hard.

Accountability. All humans make mistakes. Leaders take risks that don’t always reward as anticipated. They let their emotions cloud their judgment in big ways and small, sometimes with severe consequences. OWN IT. People know it anyway, and no matter what happens operationally, leaders who take responsibility for their own actions can stand up straight with self-respect, and likely more respect from others than if they deflect, obfuscate, and scapegoat. Walk the talk of integrity that’s written in all those mission/vision/values statements. Lead by example. This goes for all of us, by the way. Make no mistake, someone is always watching you, gauging their work ethic with yours, adjusting standards of behavior according to the prevailing local norm. Do you part to elevate it as much as possible.

Psychological Safety. This is both the result and the foundation of our ability to be honest, with ourselves and one another. When we can answer the “how am I the asshole” question to ourselves without shame and commit to managing our own inadvertent assholery, then we can better hold space for others to do the same. The Asshole in me sees the Asshole in you, and we can all love us both. I can hold you accountable for your mistakes, actions, and harm done to others, and not throw you away as a person, because I hope you would do the same for me. Again, it starts with our leaders, designated and not.

Any and every effort at consistent and deep honesty is worth the effort. The discomfort, pain, and risk are worth the rewards of self-respect, connection, and stronger families, organizations, communities, and cultures. Consistent honesty frees us from the mental and ethical burden of deception and secrecy, which foster disconnection, loneliness, and conflict.

Honesty builds character. We must strengthen our collective commitment to live as people of character, demand it of ourselves and our leaders, every day, in every encounter.