Monthly Archives: April 2025

The Leadership Skill That Matters Most

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Photo from my patient who prefers to remain anonymous 🙂

Ask more and better questions.

Here’s how:

Whenever you’re about to make a statement or directive, pause. Ask yourself, “What do I not know?” Be honest and humble, or prepare to be humbled. The mark of an excellent leader is the willingness to be schooled from ‘below’ for the sake of mission and team.

Once your ingnorance is identified, formulate a question. As well as you can, make it an open and honest question, the hallmark of which is that you truly do not know the answer and you are not attempting to lead it. Pause again. Is your question truly open, meaning it cannot be answered by yes or no? If so, proceed. If not, revise to a truly open question.

Listen to the answer without interrupting. Do not speak until the other person has stopped talking for at least two seconds. Resist the temptation to issue your previous directive anyway. Follow the thread of curiosity, however thin or faint, to explore what else you don’t know. Done well, one OHQ leads to multiple subsequent OHQs, often branching and diverging to adjacent arenas all interconnected and mutually influential to the central issue.

It can get overwhelming fast, and I suspect many of us do not engage in this kind of query because the emergent morass of complexity feels so daunting. Rabbit holes are to be avoided in leadership think.

If we ask more and better questions, however, we don’t get rabbit holes. We get ecosystem.

I do this every day interviewing patients. Regardless if it’s weight, blood pressure, blood sugar, insomnia, or depression, nothing occurs in a vacuum. Only by exploring the state of every domain of health (work, sleep, exercise, nutrition, stress, and relationships) can I see fully the interconnected origins and impacts of the issue I need to address (often multiple issues at once). Often about thirty minutes into the interview I say, “Wow, that’s a lot.” I sit with my patient a bit stymied at the muddle. Then we talk about their goals, their values, and what lights or dampens their spirit. Reliably, by the end of the day long exam, we get to an action plan that is both brutally realistic and fully aligned with their highest aspirations. It feels inspired an empowered, forward motion already initiated for the coming year.

The best questions help us survey the jungle, its density and pitfalls. It is only after querying the morass and seeing its wholeness that we can know where to act most incisively and effectively. We know we asked excellent questions when the answers provide the map that leads us through the jungle together and with confidence.

Humility. Honesty. Transparency. Safety. Clarity. Accountability. These are the imprints of leaders adept at asking more and better questions. Consider any organization in your experience; I bet these leaders stand out. How would you describe their presence? How do you feel when you’re with them? What effect do they have on the team and its operations?

In case it’s not already obvious, this practice of asking open and honest questions benefits all relationships. In a world of soundbites that continually overgeneralize and oversimplify, stoking judgment and othering, the more we can retain and protect our humility and curiosity, the more we can ask more and better questions that foster understanding and empathy, the better the world will be. We all lead. Let’s do it better, yes?

Inclusive Leadership

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Crystal, Eric, Dwight, Tim, Cory, Arianna, Kasey, and Molly.
Ethos leaders lifted with the rest of us today.

Seven Ethos coaches, clinicians, and owners took the 11:00am total body strength class with us civilians today. It changed the vibe altogether. They’re just like the rest of us (but they lift heavier weight); they are human. They believe in their work and mission to make us healthier. They walk the talk. They motivate me to keep going.

Last week I attended a creativity gathering where the facilitator disclosed personal stories as he reflected our own disclosures back to us. He made it safe for us to be open, to explore the origins of our passion with the group. He was one of us, even as he led us from the front.

From the internet; anyone know the original source?

Consider leaders whom you trust, who make it safe to admit mistakes, give honest feedback, and present constructive criticism to make the team better. What qualities do they embody to create a culture where we can each and all flourish? I have some ideas:

Walk the Talk

Lead by example. If I’m asking you to tell the truth, I had better do it first. If I’m asking you to be curious, open minded, non-judgmental, and a team player, how can I expect it of you if I don’t model it as your leader? We all know lip service when we hear it. Even if I struggle with the skills I aim to model, seeing me put forth the effort signals my integrity. We respect and follow leaders who exhibit humility and grit.

Get On the Ground

I try never to ask anything of a team member that I would not be willing to do myself in their place. We don’t trust leaders who separate themselves from those they lead by keeping their hands clear and clean from the dirty work on the ground, directing from far and on high. Disconnected leaders more likely lack empathy and understanding; they may be less likely to consider the real and direct impact of their decisions on others. You cannot know me until you meet me in my context. You can lead me more effectively if you know me. So get down here with me, see what I see. Feel it with me.

Be Present, Check In

While pulling the rope of mission onward, with the team, from the front, we leaders can really be with the people pulling with us, at our direction. We can observe their dynamics, feel the vibration on the ground. What’s going on in their lives outside of this pulling? How are they affected by the nested environments of organization, profession, and geopolitical tumult? When we ask these questions we must be fully present, honestly curious. People can tell when we’re not listening and don’t really care. It doesn’t take much to engender or erode trust and camaraderie; and it’s a significant act/practice of self-regulation, to turn off our inner diaglogue and attune fully to the person in front of us, on their terms. The rewards of making this connection, regularly and repeatedly, are priceless and lasting.

Ask More Before Directing

Leaders must problem solve. How many relevant questions do our leaders ask, and how well do they understand the full scope and complexities of the problems, before they start commanding and controlling? I observe not many. The best leaders ask the most open and honest questions. Their curiosity is genuine; their problem solving starts with query and connection before bias and assumption. Good questions answered honestly inevitably lead to more questions; insights emerge and the best solutions arise from clarity and comprehension of the whole, interconnected picture.

Own Your Shit

Accountability of leadership is key for organizational effectiveness, and everywhere I see it lacking. Leaders are human just like the rest of us. They make mistakes. They juggle competing interests and navigate complex environments of personnel, finances, and public relations, among others. The moment they dismiss, deflect, blame, or whine, our trust frays. We don’t need martyrs. We just need leaders who can look us in the eye and say, “I fucked up. Here is how I will make it right.”

What else? What kind of leadership are you experiencing, admiring, tolerating, and bemoaning today? How can we each be better leaders from any chair in our orchestras, to make a useful contribution?

It completely slipped my mind to post here last night! I was too excited for the end of my workweek and felt compelled to write jar smiles, as it had been a few days. It’s like a mild addiction, writing those little love notes. Happy Friday, friends.

The Second Mountain

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Ok friends, really quick tonight because I’ gotta get to bed on time!

I had a wonderful conversation with an exec recently who senses himself at a threshold. He has been remarkably successful in his career, not only by societal standards of status and income, but by his own ethical standards of leadership and purpose. Now in his mid-fifties, he looks ahead to closing the conventional corporate chapter of his life and opening the next– he’s just not sure what it will be. It’s not likely to be board work, as so many do. He seeks more meaning, more purpose, a legacy that he can be personally proud of, perhaps? I suggested that he work with a coach to help him think/talk through it, and as I listened more, I thought coaching itself may be his calling. I had an inkling that I knew an inspirational phrase for this life stage, this slow burning fire of positive middle-age transition, but I could not locate it.

As I ended my 100 Pregnancies post asserting that we all have agency to respond to and live life as we choose, I thought of another friend whose work is now a morass of chaotic uncertainty due to the current administration. In reply to the post, she messaged me, “As I start to contemplate retirement and what comes after, I feel almost giddy with possibility. It’s almost like I get a do over of that young adult chapter where all doors where open to me, but I felt so duty-bound and worried about making good choices that I didn’t appreciate it. What a luxury to have another chance to appreciate possibility and to pair it with intention and agency!” She is my people, obviously.

I replied (also giddily), “I (spoke) with someone about this age and exactly what you’re describing–like one more, great opportunity to be and do our best–to fully live into our intentions with the benefit of everything we have lived to date!”

Oh, I should tell you all, I have put down Book for now. After a year of trying fitfully and in earnest, it’s just not happening yet. Instead, I feel called to demonstrate and amplify civil political discourse–Healing Through Connection–through continued short form writing and public speaking. I have connected with a wonderful branding coach to help me expand my audience and innovate my method–anything is possible, and I’m attached to nothing. I’m not giving up my day job; it gets better every year, actually, and new collaborative possibilities shine on the horizon. Still, for ten years now I have cultivated and documented this ‘passion project’–a mission to make our relationships better in every domain, using any and all tools and practices that align with my values of honesty, integrity, curiosity, humility, and kindness. It overlaps with and mutually informs my clinical practice–the most cosmic integration that I built myself and also evolved completely organically.

This series of interactions and reflections on my way to the treadmill tonight finally unlocked that inspirational phrase in my memory–The Second Mountain! I listened to this book by David Brooks when it released in 2019:

“Every so often, you meet people who radiate joy—who seem to know why they were put on this earth, who glow with a kind of inner light. Life, for these people, has often followed what we might think of as a two-mountain shape. They get out of school, they start a career, and they begin climbing the mountain they thought they were meant to climb. Their goals on this first mountain are the ones our culture endorses: to be a success, to make your mark, to experience personal happiness. But when they get to the top of that mountain, something happens. They look around and find the view . . . unsatisfying. They realize: This wasn’t my mountain after all. There’s another, bigger mountain out there that is actually my mountain.

“And so they embark on a new journey. On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered. They want the things that are truly worth wanting, not the things other people tell them to want. They embrace a life of interdependence, not independence. They surrender to a life of commitment.

“In The Second Mountain, David Brooks explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community. Our personal fulfillment depends on how well we choose and execute these commitments. Brooks looks at a range of people who have lived joyous, committed lives, and who have embraced the necessity and beauty of dependence. He gathers their wisdom on how to choose a partner, how to pick a vocation, how to live out a philosophy, and how we can begin to integrate our commitments into one overriding purpose.

“In short, this book is meant to help us all lead more meaningful lives. But it’s also a provocative social commentary. We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways. The path to repair is through making deeper commitments. In The Second Mountain, Brooks shows what can happen when we put commitment-making at the center of our lives.”

I’m starting to think this blog, Book (eventually), and my commitment to relational leadership have all been my Second Mountain. Duh-HA! I also feel myself at another threshold now–empty nest and potential for even more personal expansion. Daughter is not the only one getting ready to launch! So might I live yet a Third Mountain?

What precipice meets you right now? How do you feel about it? Where do the feelings manifest in your body? Who else knows and can hold the space, un/certainty, excitement, trepidation, and giddiness with you?

Two more books come to mind, both that I also listened to years ago:
Changing on the Job by Jennifer Garvey Berger and
The Infinite Game by Simon Sinek

So let’s see where and what this all goes, eh? Very exciting!