Category Archives: communication

Trust

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What happens when you trust someone?  Maybe take 30 seconds and actually consider the deeper answers, not just the ones that come to mind immediately.

Trust allows a first time mom to ask her kid’s pediatrician earnestly about vaccine risks, and whether they cause autism (they don’t).   Mom trusts that Doctor will not judge her for asking, and thus she listens to Doctor’s answer openly, knowing Baby’s health is Doc’s first priority.  Trust allows Mom to respectfully request a delayed vaccination schedule, just in case, and because she will feel more comfortable with it all.  Doctor agrees to said arrangement, because she trusts that Mom is not a flight risk, and they have the kind of relationship wherein it’s safe to query, challenge, discuss, and negotiate.

Vaccines.  Masks.  Election results.  Who can change our minds when we have a set opinion about these and other things?  Only people whom we trust.  The more committed I am to my perspective, the more I must trust you to even hear your opposing point of view, much less let it (you) affect or change mine.  Even then, it most likely requires multiple encounters or conversations.  You must be patient.

Patient for what?  For relationship building.  Trusting relationships require time and energy to cultivate; there is simply no substitute for these interpersonal investments.  We may not notice the small tests along the way, the ones we pass easily when committed to relationship building, and fail just as easily when not.  Brené Brown lists seven key elements of trust, arranged in the convenient acronym BRAVING:  Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault (confidentiality), Integrity, Non-judgment, and Generosity.  Who in your life practices all seven with you?  With whom do you?  Is it mutual, like Mom and Doc above?  The most resilient relationships stand on the strongest foundations of trust, such that challenges and dissent not only fail to threaten bonds, but tighten them through honesty, vulnerability, and thus connection.

Whom can you not trust?  Someone who ridicules your opinion?  Who dismisses, shames, or belittles you?  Maybe.  Then again, when you know someone does this on the regular, can’t you trust them to continue doing it?  Can a relationship be trusting, even if it’s not positive?  We can trust our enemies to remain our enemies, right?  Maybe.  I think enemies may be converted (transformed) with the same habits as those practiced between trusting friends.  It just takes more time and energy.

I cannot, however, trust he who treats me with indifferent ambivalence.  When in one private moment he holds me up, then in another cuts me down in front of others.  When she expresses agreement in today’s meeting, then next week flippantly denies this agreement and equivocates.  This consistent, repetitive, and yet unpredictably timed alignment whiplash—the erratic alternation between attunement and rejection—kills trust and stymies both progress and morale in groups and on teams.  Such mistrust requires advanced relationship skills to overcome… Or maybe the relationship just needs to end.

I’m thinking a lot about trust as we prepare for important changes on our national horizon.  Words and actions both matter—by public officials, physicians, parents, teachers, friends—we all matter.  We can all make a positive difference—it is a choice. 

We each bear the responsibility to be trustworthy.

Do Not Throw Away Your Friends

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*deep breath*

Let’s all slow down and sink into this moment, shall we?  I mean really get settled. Be here only, right now.   *deep*   *breath*

How are you feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally?  I think I will live more peacefully if I ask myself this more often, and take the time to answer and reflect, before I speak or act.

I had finally walked out of some heavy darkness after a truly regenerative vacation.  I started two and finished three books after Christmas.  I wrote all of our family New Year greetings in one sitting, got a better handle on stress eating, and made inroads on social media moderation.  I even worked out four days in a row—2021 was off to an awesome start!

And then this week happened.  I followed peripherally through the workday as our Capitol was besieged by rioters seeking to overthrow the government, then proceeded to doom scroll and [out]rage post into the wee hours of night.  I felt agitated, like most, and also weirdly vindicated.  Thinking back to the dread and despair I experienced this time four years ago, and my conservative friends telling me I was overreacting, I thought, “See?  I was right to worry.” 

“I was right.”  Such a delicious and potentially toxic sentiment.  How does it make anything better?

I saw so many people on January 6th telling their Facebook friends to unfriend if they still support 45.  Another classmate, a Trump supporter, announced she was deactivating her account due to the hostility and blanket dismissals of her as a person.  “You’re dead to me,” my liberal friends announced.  How is a person supposed to respond to that in any kind of productive way?  The title of this post came to me that evening, as I left the office.

In 2016 I friended a high school classmate for the express purpose of conducting civil political discourse on social media.  At that time I did not quite understand what an exercise in futility this can be (mostly is).  I’m proud to say that our exchanges have always, indeed, exemplified civility.  Over the years we also bonded over hiking, shared nerdhood, and not much else.  He asked me occasionally for general medical information and challenged me with math problems he presented to his high school students (I solved them with authority).  But the political interactions became tiresome as the current administration continued.  Last year I requested to cease our political conversations; he graciously agreed.  It was just too unsatisfying, and I felt relieved to just be friendly.  I look forward to when we can meet in person to engage, because I’m so much better at that now.

In face to face political conversations, I have learned to define and hew to clear and simple objectives in any interaction, and it’s almost never to persuade anyone of my rightness.  Most of the time it can only be to understand the other person’s perspective; I’m almost always the one asking more questions and listening more.  I’ve had to accept that and practice patience.  I’ve also had to muzzle my inner rage monster whenever I hear sweeping, oversimplified generalizations like “Democrats’ policies will make everything worse for America,” or “Democrats have no soul.”  I’m not a Democrat, but right now that is the party that more often advances causes and policies that I support.  Conservative and progressive ideals are never all good or all bad.  Rather, they are complex and intricate polarities to be managed in the infinite game of democracy.  Adherents to each side are not mutually demonic and subhuman, monolithic enemies to be vanquished.  They are our neighbors, colleagues, family, and friends.  Nothing will get better if we go around cutting ties left and right (hey! Pun!), especially not in the heat of a moment when the country most needs our collective composure, despite our most agitated emotions.  This is why we must breathe deeply and settle in to our best selves, before we open our mouths or type another word online.

My friend has renounced Trump, saying it took a fair amount of rationalization to vote for him this time, which he regrets.  Welcome to humanity, sir, where we all rationalize most of our decisions, more than we know and much more than we’d like to admit.  He has also declared steadfast commitment to his conservative principles, which I wholeheartedly support.  I’m so hopeful that we may continue to practice our discourse skills on and with each other.  I still may not engage on Facebook, and he has yet to accept a Zoom invitation, but I feel progress coming on (as Progressives often do). 

Books of 2020

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Hello Friends!  HOLY cow, what a year…  What have we learned?  What do we hold in front as we enter 2021?  What do leave behind without hesitation?  And of course, what did you read this year?  I consumed fewer books than I had intended.  But I did manage to read or hear over 1.8 million words, the equivalent of over 25 books on Pocket, according to the email I got from the app.  So that’s something. 

Please find below the list of books I consumed (or attempted, or continue to engage with) this year.  Please make recommendations, if you have any, in the comments!  Read and write on, friends!

  1. Think Like a Rocket Scientist by Ozan Varol@   (@One of my favorites)  Usually I read books like this over and over.  But the ideas from TLARS stay fresh and live on Ozan’s private forum, the Inner Circle.  I’ve made some awesome new friends and had some of the most stimulating conversations of the year on this page.  What ties us together, aside from our Ozan fandom, is our shared resonance with the idea of challenging the status quo, thinking in possibility.
  2. Speak by Sally Lou Oaks Loveman*  (*Abandoned)  Just not interesting enough to keep my attention.
  3. The Weekend Book Proposal by Ryan G. Van Cleave#  (#In progress)  I’ll come back to this one in 2021.  Practical and humorous, recommended by friend, author, and fellow blogger Donna Cameron. 
  4. Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell    Another winner by another master challenger of status quo thinking.  Though not outright political in nature, the ideas explored in this book took on important socio-political relevance in 2020.  The fundamental tenets would serve us well to remember as we enter the New Year:  Our assumptions often operate without our conscious awareness, sometimes with destructive consequences.  It behooves us to talk to people and know them as individuals, rather than making assumptions based on group identity.
  5. Collaborating with the Enemy by Adam Kahane    A bit dense, and slow at times.  But another excellent reminder of the importance of cultivating relationships across difference, practicing empathy and nonjudgment, and exercising power always with love.
  6. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottleib    I memoir by a therapist.  Touching, engaging, and reminiscent of my own personal experience as a clinician.  Worth a listen.
  7. American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins*    Well written and engaging, some controversy around race, the publishing industry, and ‘trauma porn.’  I abandoned when I could no longer ignore the call of my ever-growing pile of non-fiction books…
  8. Four Days to Change by Michael Welp@     A must-read for anyone working on self-awareness, and who wants to advance equity and inclusion by leading others in the practice.  Written with compassion and empathy, by a white man, for white men.   
  9. Leadership on the Line by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky@    Another gem.  Concise, practical, and an excellent integration of abstract relational concepts with concrete leadership practices that help me move from weeds to vision and back again with more agility, grace, and confidence.
  10. Notorious RBG by Irin Carmon and Shana Knizhnik    A re-listen, with the family this time, on our summer road trip.  Short, funny, inspiring.  Highly recommend.
  11. Personal Leadership by Barbara Schaetti, Sheila Ramsey, and Gordon Watanabe#,@   Another deceptively simple and also richly deep and transformative book and program.  Thank you, friend Sharon Kristjanson, for your coaching and your class, where we get to play with this and other important concepts for Engaging with Difference.  I look forward to continued evolution in my personal leadership style and application.
  12. How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi#    Dense, a bit pedantic, also personal and important.  Will continue to work my way through, considering the larger picture of racism and how I both contribute and can help effect change.
  13. Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel@   Last year I heard Sex at Dawn; this was my sex book for 2020.  Irreverent, lighthearted, and also based on decades of clinical expertise; also attractive to nonconventional thinkers and experiencers.  Her Facebook group is also a fantastic place to learn about all the things you never knew people did in their sex lives.  Highly recommend both.
  14. Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad   Much more practical and easier to consume than Kendi’s book.  Written as a workbook, each chapter grows a practice of awareness and action, grounded in humility and non-judgment. 
  15. But I Don’t See You as Asian by Bruce Reyes-Chow    Self-published and one of the only non-fiction books I could find written on racism from the Asian-American perspective.  Its purpose, much like Saad’s, is to enlighten white people on the impact of their cultural dominance, the way we might with our closest friends.  Worth the inexpensive print  read.
  16. Caste by Isabel Wilkerson@    No doubt you’ve read and heard about this book everywhere.  It’s every bit as amazing and important as everybody says.  Just read it.
  17. Caffeine by Michael Pollan    A fun and well-researched, short break from the heavy reads of summer.  Hasn’t change my habits…. Yet.
  18. Dear Girls by Ali Wong*   Funny, often heartfelt, and ultimately not engaging enough for this reader.
  19. What Unites Us by Dan Rather@   Read by Rather himself, an engaging and eloquent memoir that shines the warm light of hope and perseverance on the despair of today.  “Steady,” he says.  Highly recommend.
  20. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho    Read by Jeremy Irons on Audible, such a treat!  An allegory, though I’m not sure I quite understand the lesson.  I’ll come back to this one, for sure.
  21. The Pleasure of Finding Things Out:  The Best Short Works of Richard Feynman ed. Jeffrey Robbins#    I bet Dr. Feynman enjoyed being thought of as kooky.  I like to read and hear kooky folks’ own words, but they require focus, especially when they’re talking about quantum physics.  So I’m getting through this one slowly, and enjoying it.
  22. The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein, Beth Rashbaum    Wish I had read this when Son was much younger.  Lots of gender stereotype stuff that I instinctively push(ed) against already, but with practical examples and recommendations that I could have used sooner.
  23. Fauci by Michael Specter (Audible exclusive)    I learned so much in this short book about Dr. Fauci’s early evolution as a clinical researcher and community liaison during the AIDS epidemic.  He really walks the talk of engaging with difference, professionally and personally.  We are so lucky to still have his leadership, and I admire him so much.  Learn about this humble and steady role model.
  24. Divided We Fall by David French    Follow this conservative Christian civil rights attorney’s newsletters and blog at The French Press.  I find he practices that dynamic balance of standing firm in his own convictions and core values, while maintaining an open and discerning mind for the value and validity of opposing views.  I thought his characterizations of ‘the left’ were often generalized and not totally fair, and his outlook is much more pessimistic than mine.  But I always appreciate his perspective, as it challenges me to query my own, keeping me fair and honest.
  25. Managing Polarities by Barry Johnson#    A concept I first learned halfway through LOH, which didn’t resonate deeply right away.  But thank God for the lesson, as it stands front and center as one of the most important concepts of 2020, right there with paradox and flexibility.    Polarities are necessary; they are not problems to be solved; they are relational phenomena that require keen awareness and management for ultimate success.
  26. Burnout:  The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski#    Humorous, well-researched, eloquent, moving, and personal.  It breaks down the physiologic, psychologic, and sociologic origins and consequences of stress and burnout, and presents an evidence-based process for coping with anything life throws with a lot more confidence, and less suffering. 
  27. Simple Habits for Complex Times by Jennifer Garvey Berger and Keith Johnston#    Unlike Changing on the Job, this book is written in allegory form, which I sometimes find tedious and distracting.  I should probably read rather than listen.  Will pick it up again and finish soon.
  28. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner    Engagingly conceived and written, again joyfully stimulating to the contrarian in me.  Written 13 years ago, I wonder how it would be received today, given its sweeping generalizations and conclusions.  The authors proclaim themselves that the book has no real unifying theme (other than, perhaps, reminding us to regularly challenge conventional wisdom), and its ideas are not necessarily applicable in any concrete or personal way.  Reminds me of Gladwell—just makes me think.  I really want to ask the authors, “What are the most interesting and worthy rebuttals to your claims and conclusions so far?”
  29. A Promised Land by Barack Obama    I started this book in earnest today.  I’m on chapter 4, 3 hours in, 26 to go.  Read by President Obama himself, I feel soothed as soon as I tap ‘play’.  He uplifts me from my pessimism and burnout already.  My hope in the possibility and aspirations of our country swells again, despite the craziness I see all around me right now—the absolute, abject, unfathomable and enraging craziness. 

*sigh*  So many books, so many so many!  Here’s to the elegance and connecting power of words, in all forms.  May they hold us together and up, may we find in them comfort and solace, and may we always use our own for good.