We are who we are from a very young age. And we evolve throughout our whole lives, becoming even more who we really are, and also very different versions of ourselves.
Tonight I am so grateful to have reconnected with my old classmate and new good friend Jim. We trained together 20+ years ago, and did not know each other well. That did not keep me from having strong opinions and judgements about him. *sigh* Oh, the blind and inflated confidence I have had in the assumptions I make and the stories I tell myself about others–yikes. I cringe, and also try to forgive myself. At 25, my brain was barely formed, and I was doing my best. I hope I did/do not hurt too many people in my youth/middle age and hubris.
I thank my lucky stars for the cosmic fortune of serial interactions with Jim these last few years, initiated through a mutual friend. How often do we get a chance to redo a relationship with so much new potential for mutual respect, uplift, resonance, creativity, innovation, exploration, and personal growth?
ACK, I’m just so excited, this is what makes the world turn for me–connecting, connecting, connecting!!! Who knows what’s coming around the corner–any given interaction could be a new friend, an old new friend, or anything awesome. BRING IT, woohooooooooooo!!!
As of today, I begin my 50th year. What. A. Ride!! All at once I feel pretty well-accomplished and also utterly mediocre… Married 25 years, practicing medicine 20, parenting almost 19, blogging 7. Such a thick tribe of friends, so many of whom showered me with love and attention today, OMG. So much to be grateful for, there simply are not enough words. So much love. …I might list the myriad self-diminishing comparisons here, but naah, I grow beyond such pointlessness in my advancing age.
The Book of Regrets. That was my original title for this post. Would it have grabbed more attention and views? It was an honest point of query after I listened recently to The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Oh my gosh, HIGHLY recommend! In the liminal space between life and death, the main character gets to peruse her personal Book of Regrets, and sample various alternative realities wherein she made different seminal life choices. Each path shows her both favorable and adverse subsequent events and circumstances, an infinite set of possibilities, paradoxes, and outcomes. Perspective, my friends! I think we consistently underestimate its value, or at least neglect to practice it in too many encounters and endeavors. What lies ahead that I have control over and not, and that will forever send me down this path and not another? Which of the countless choices I might make, in any given moment, may close these doors and open those? I get giddy just thinking about it—the future is so bright, so full of infinite possibilities, and I get to live into it! OMG can’t wait can’t wait!
Then again, in these 49 years, my Book of Regrets can feel quite heavy. It appears sometimes out of nowhere, dropping like a sandbag on my chest—driving to work, in the shower, looking through old photos. Within seconds I’m haplessly pinned under guilt, shame, sorrow, and remorse, sinking in the quicksand of self-loathing and powerlessness, wishing with visceral aching that I could just go back and be a better me—a much better me—in those flash moments that I will never forget, that I may never shake. Ugh.
Paging through my book more thoughtfully, I realize that every regret is relational. It’s never about not studying enough, failing a test, not achieving some goal, missing some external benchmark of success. It’s never about coming up short in social comparison to others. It’s always about hurting someone’s feelings, diminishing their self-esteem, abuse of power, and offloading or projecting my own discomfort and judgments onto others, making them suffer because I cannot tolerate or manage my own issues. My regrets are all moral failings. Oh man, it feels so shitty, looking back, surveying the damage I did, the relational carnage. Wow.
*deep breath*
“What’s done is done.” Husband has said this since our earliest days together. I remember how freeing it felt—I still hear his voice, so clear and firm, in the living room of our first apartment, or was it a dorm room? I am, indeed, utterly powerless to change the past. Thankfully, shifting into agency over my present and future comes more easily every year of life and adversity lived. Regret is painful. And it’s inevitable. Learning is the best poultice for such self-inflicted wounds. And if I can figure a way to make amends, all the better. How could I have been a better self then, when I’m always bettering myself now? Grace and forgiveness, I know more deeply and profoundly, may be the greatest gifts we offer one another, including ourselves. My most sincere thanks to all who have granted these to me.
Peace and equanimity, generosity and humility, joy and love, curiosity and learning, connection and solidarity. That’s a good, strong list of healthy aspirations, ya?
It’s been a pretty awesome 49 years. I have received so much more than I have given. I shake my head in humble and astonished wonder. The good news is that these days, I write my Book of Regrets in shorter chapters and longer intervals.
Who knows how many more years I have? However long it is, may I compose my other Books—of Contribution and Connection, among others—with eloquence, gladness, and excellent grammar.
From overlook on Ptarmigan Trail, Silverthorne, Colorado. Left to right: Buffalo Mountain, Red Mountain, Silverthorne Peak
What does the graph of your life look like?
I imagine we’d all put something related to time or age on the horizontal axis, but what goes on the vertical? What is meaningful to you, that is worth measuring, over a lifetime? Joy? Financial success/accumulation? Education? Learning? Status? Growth? Contribution?
For a long time I conceptually contrasted puberty and menopause, seeing the former as an exponential acceleration in growth and the latter a rapid decline, like the two stems of a broad arch, an upside down parabola. This past week during a patient interview, however, a wholly different perspective dawned on me. Menopause may signal the end of child-bearing years, of youth. Some may perceive it only as a global decline—the unmistakable physical sign that we are now closer to the end of our life than the beginning. But what if it’s also a new beginning, life expectancy not withstanding?
My patient and I discussed the trade-offs we are called to make throughout life—career, relationships, geography, etc. What do we get in return for trading away our reproductive years? For me the greatest payoffs are wisdom and confidence. After about 5 decades of living, learning, and being in relationship with self and others, I welcome this phase of life with keenness and joy. What a relief to have my personality and values established, to know what I stand for. How rewarding to feel that I can walk into any room and talk to anyone, knowing fully and without question who I am, without having to compare myself to anyone around me. How fun to find opportunities for continued learning around every corner, in domains I never thought I’d encounter, or even knew existed! Everything I have experienced, learned, and struggled through until now comprises a thread in the tapestry of my life, and the picture gets more dense and colorful with each passing day, year, and decade.
The life graph of learning and personal growth is most interesting to me. Superimposed on the graph of challenge and pain, I might see the lines travel in parallel trajectories—no surprise. As the years pass, though, I see a net positive slope, a steady climb of the most meaningful curves, and menopause perhaps as a milestone inflection point, beyond which the ascent may well progress with fewer stutters and regressions, as wisdom and confidence accrue, and mission/cause come into greater focus and clarity.
I choose to see and draw my life graph this way.
Why not keep climbing until the end and go out at a peak?
Healing Through Connection 