Category Archives: Health

The Transformative Power of Community

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AIYAAAAAH IT’S JUST TOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!

Friends, please meet my new beach volleyball teammates! We are the Ethos team at North Avenue Beach on Wednesday evenings, woohooooooo!! I have played since 7th grade, and never on sand until this summer. And I can’t think of another group I would feel safer and have more fun doing it with. How many times have I mentioned Ethos and how I love the team there? Well it keeps getting better, I just cannot say (or write) enough!

In the last four months I have increased weight from 50# to 105# on barbell back squats, 12.5# to 20# on dumbbell bench press at any angle, 35# to 70# on landmine squats, and all kinds of other personal strength and endurance records. In that time I also hit some speed bumps and potholes: left sciatic impingement (April-May), left medial meniscus aggravation (May to last week), left shoulder instability (ongoing and improving), and right brachioradialis spasm (July to present, also improving). Bottom lines: 1) I never would have tried loading weight like this on my own at home, thus my strength and form stagnated. 2) Had I injured myself working out at home, I would not have known how to modify anything to continue moving and progressing safely. But with the support and encouragement of the coaches and community at Ethos, strength, form, confidence, motivation, and joy and connection have all improved exponentially.

“There can be a fine line between rehab and performance,” Jacob told me. EUREKA! Lighten up on weight this week, focus on range of motion, Ryan advised. They taught me hip, knee, neck, and wrist CARs. Listen to my body. Take care of it with good sleep and nutrition. Be patient. No judgment. Keep coming to class, spirit buoyed by friends. Coaches continue to monitor and correct. And voila: healing and progress, competence and confidence, HALLELUJAH!

I have never, in my entire life, loved going to the gym like I do now, and it’s all because of the people. So when I heard about the beach volleyball group, it was a no brainer to join. My world expands newly after 38 years of indoor play, adjusting to various outdoor conditions (twilight/night, wet/dry and deep/shallow sand, and wind, OMG!). Lessons in team communication emerge in yet another domain. And between gym and beach, uplifting new friendships bloom. I mean does it get any better than this?? I feel positively giddy from it all!

How do your communites support, even carry you? As I thought more this weekend about belonging, connection, and mutual, synergistic uplift, meaningful examples appeared everywhere.

New Friend described his spiritual community to me and I could feel, from his facial expressions, voice, and posture, the deep stability and peace he gets from that connection. The Sheil Catholic Center has been that for me since college, not because of religion per se, but again because of the people. Shared spiritual belief and core values play a primary role in Friend’s and my belonging in these groups, and deep connection can occur around anything: Meditation, yoga, sports, volunteering, book club, work…

How many different communities include you, make you better, and benefit reciprocally from your unique presence and participation?

OMG Romance! WHODATHUNK? 11 months in and still binging strong, my friends. Since I posted initially last November, my consumption has expanded from steamy cis-het-binary-monogamous rom-coms to novels that include male-male, dark, fantasy, paranormal, mafia, dominant-submissive, and polyamorous themes! My vicarious sex and relationship education continues with momentum and ardent support–you guessed it–from the romance community! I would never have found any of these stories and experiences if not for the Shaneiaks Facebook group and guidance from the indefatiguable Suzi over at Royal Reads Services, group admin and expert in all things romance publishing. I have always been open and comfortable talking to my patients and kids about sex, and today I’m even more confident and bold. Ask me anything, tell me anything, and I will engage with a whole new level of openness now. By the way, if you also seek to broaden your horizons in this domain, I highly recommend Boyslut by Zachary Zane.

How do your communities support others?

Once again, the romance community inspires me. When author Lili Valente‘s house was destroyed by recent floods in the Northeast, her fans came together to support her through direct book purchases on her website. This week author Lucy Eden has organized RomanceforMaui, an upcoming auction to raise money for those affected by the most devastating wildfires in the United States in 100 years. Check out the auction items–consider bidding for yourself, your romance fan friends, and for the people on Maui. Finally, see how romance narrators, authors, and audiobook producers come together to support their BIPOC colleagues by providing grants and services to bring their work forth through Audio in Color. Simply amazing.

I am such a better version of myself because I belong to these tribes, wow, how humbling and exciting.

It occurs to me that membership in some communities can actually transform us into worse versions of ourselves… *sigh*… More on that in later post, perhaps…

Relationships. They can kill us or save us, and so much more. Our communities of deep and meaningful belonging can enrich, expand, educate, and empower us, often to heights we could never have imagined. How can we build and grow more of these connections, strengthen them for the good of all? I have some ideas…

Love First

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Try as I might, I still have trouble approaching interactions with certain people feeling love first: Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Drivers who pass without signalling. Rude strangers. Abusive patients. People who repulse me and with whom I am bound in relationship of some kind. Loved ones on my hard days. Instead I feel annoyance and judgment–at them first, then at myself–and then guilt. *sigh*

Thankfully, it’s getting better. The intensity, duration and consequences of the negative emotions and interactions have all diminished over time, and sometimes I can actually avert them altogether. On a good day I ease up on the accelerator, leave more space between me and the car ahead, and utter no profanities–shocking. That’s usually after a good night’s sleep or a great workout, and it’s sunny outside. Somehow, driving has emerged as my barometer for this particular life skill, as if my average road rage quotient represents my overall life equanimity? How fascinating.

Maybe it’s because driving is such a mundane, steady state activity most of the time. How I show up in the car, on the road, is probably a pretty good indication of my real time state of mind. I’m essentially anonymous, and thus un-self-conscious, more ‘free’ to do as I am and as I feel, compared to at work or home where my actions have more tangible consequences on people I care about–that’s an interesting distinction. Because shouldn’t I care about everybody I meet? Don’t all of my fellow humans deserve the same baseline level of respect and dignity?

Why should I work to show up Love First (not a reference to the family intervention book and program) everywhere, with everyone? I think because it’s an easy idea to wrap my head and heart around. ‘Love’ encompasses so much, and the word itself resets me to be my best self. Love First immediately makes me more present, open, empathetic, curious, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. It hit me recently that when I don’t judge, I suffer a lot less. I can accept what’s happening, including how I feel about it, and approach my response more calmly. I am far more able to see multiple perspectives, allow for more than the most cynical explanations of others’ actions. Showing up Love First allows me to be my best self, and walk away from any interaction with the fewest regrets.

Love First allows my initial thoughts in the face of adversity to be open and honest questions, rather than ad hominem. I can de-escalate, defuse, and even disarm (figuratively) a situation or person far more easily in a loving state than in an adversarial one. It’s vulnerable, and not weak. Openness and love are my soft front–I present in possibility for understanding and connection. And I ground myself with confidence in my strong back–I know my boundaries and uphold them with firm conviction. When crossed, relationship either ends or requires renegotiation.

Here’s the best part: I’m able to show up more Love First to others now because I’m better at doing it for myself. When I blurt the driving expletive in the heat of the moment, I can simply say, “how fascinating”, make note of my mental/emotional/physical state, take a deep breath, and reset. I don’t have to judge my own recurring unwanted pattern. I can simply slow down, loosen my grip on the wheel, keep breathing, keep driving. Old habits take time to break, I’m making progress, and that’s what matters. It’s a win-win: compassion toward self translates to compassion toward others.

Next level: Consistent pre-emptive practice, mindshift in advance of interaction, groove Love First as the default rather than the correction. Mastery may take a lifetime, but I’m already well on my way to respectable proficiency. I’m okay with this. Onward.

Sometimes It’s Blueberries

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Habit change is a lot more complicated than knowing better and then doing better. Because our behaviors are not fundamentally driven by what we know.

“I know what I should do, I just don’t do it.” What is the subtext when patients reply thusly, after I ask about their health habits? It feels defensive and a little ashamed, maybe? They don’t want to talk about it. Not surprising. Our culture pressures us to be perfect: eat organic and plant-based, do CrossFit five days a week, sleep 8 hours, keep up with current events and render strong, articulate opinions, post photos from joyous family gatherings, etc., etc. You name it, and there will be someone telling you you “should” be doing it, and not so subtly implying that you are somehow inadequate if you don’t. As if it’s all so easy.

I think this insight gives us all an opportunity to reflect on what’s actually easy. Sleep happens to be easy for me–I rarely suffer from insomnia (I just don’t spend enough hours in bed, night owl that I am). Some people are natural exercisers, others naturally prefer healthy foods. Some never feel stymied by negative emotions. Some are naturally thin and athletic; others of us are more thick and round. It does not help when we also love all kinds of food, and eat for reasons other hunger (stress, boredom, environmental cues, etc., etc., omg). I have spent the better part of my life judging and criticizing myself for my weight, even though other than pregnancy, it’s been normal–just not thin. Recently I finally understood just how obsessed I have been with policing my own eating. *sigh* What a sad waste of energy and joy.

Healthy eating has never been naturally easy for me. I am a food hedonist. Everything tastes good, I have an incredibly elastic stomach and zero sensitivities or restrictions, and I commune with loved ones around food often. I’m working on sensing hunger and satiety better, balancing starch with fiber, and choosing healthier proteins. I eat less dessert now (maybe?), and I don’t keep ice cream in the house anymore. And still, I struggle and obsess daily.

But a couple months ago healthy eating suddenly became much easier, to my utter shock an awe. Sitting at Ethos after a challenging and empowering total body strength class, I watched Tim popping blueberries like M&Ms out of a pint container. As if it had never crossed my mind before, I realized that I could do that, too. It sounds so silly, right? But I have always had a mindset that berries are too expensive to eat so frivolously. I’d buy them to add to salads or for baking–spread a pint out over many servings and people. To eat a whole pint by myself felt greedy and selfish. But in that moment, my insidious and limiting assumption simply evaporated. It felt random and cosmic at the same time. And since then, I kid you not, an unconscious and involuntary (though wholly welcome and celebrated) transformation has taken place. I feel completely sated with less food. I just don’t crave snacks at night anymore. I feel averse to heavy sauces, large portions, sugary drinks, even ice cream. I revel in a light salad and lean protein, and I don’t feel deprived whatsoever. [Ahem, I still love bread (sheepish grin).] It’s totally irrational, visceral, and not at all because of anything I tried intentionally–at least not directly. How fascinating!

“You cannot reason someone out of a notion they did not reason themselves into.”

So, bottom line: Sometimes behavior change just comes when it comes. We can still nudge and trudge, and stay open to all that may help–lay the groundwork. I think everything I have learned, tried, and failed until now was valuable, just not necessarily effective, given whatever context when I tried it. And the longer I live, the more I believe lasting, sustainable behavior change cannot be forced. Not by guilt, shame, or sometimes even reason. Maybe by peer pressure, but only the kind founded on true belonging and a strong, uplifting sense of community. Or maybe not until it really matters at a core value level, and/or it’s extrinsically easy? Or until our inner nature simply knows it’s the path to take now? Our bodies are built for survival, not modern Western aesthetics. Our cultures and social norms don’t always align with that. We are so judgmental, and there is growing evidence that the psychological harm from that actually keeps us from making the changes we so desperately desire.

Am I totally happy with my weight and my body today? Not really. And, I practice every day to appreciate it more. I’m getting stronger since joining the gym. I’m eating in ways I will regret less in the future. I’m working on getting to bed earlier (not tonight, apparently). And I continue to learn and apply everything I can about relationship, leadership, and all things that make me a better person.

So, ONWARD, my friends. We’re all doing our best here. Let’s all give ourselves and one another a little more grace and understanding, ya? And who knows when we may each have our blueberry moments–may yours catch you joyfully!