To Train Or Not To Train

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My sister and brother-in-law run marathons.  No, wait, they are elite marathon-running machines.  By next weekend, they will have run 150 marathons between them in just a few years, including Ironmans and ultramarathons, in 39 states and at least 7 countries.  They lead training groups for Team to End AIDS and enjoy a loyal following of running enthusiasts and friends.  So you can imagine my honor when they recently told me, “You could totally run a marathon, Cathy.  You’re already more fit than a lot people who start training.”

For a moment I actually considered it, because wouldn’t that be so cool, to enter that elite circle?  Then I quickly remembered: I. Hate. Running.  …For now.  But it got me thinking recently–talking politics may be like marathon training.  Some people really like it and do it well (by ‘well’ I mean they are informed, articulate, respectful, and engaging with people from all points of view—their discourse is elevated).  They resemble my sister and brother-in-law: athletes who consistently perform at the top of their training, with few or no injuries, leading others to follow in similar aspirations.

Other people, however, would sooner feed themselves through a wood chipper than strap on a pair of running shoes, or engage in political discussions.

Most of us are somewhere in the middle, I suspect.  I can run a few miles with my trainer if she makes me–the conversation and scenery distract me and the time goes by faster.  And I know I can slow down or take a rest if I have to–it’s safe.  But I have many other preferred exercise activities.  Could we consider talking politics as the elite marathoning of communication?  It is so hard to do well!

When I think of long distance running my mouth goes dry.  I get short of breath and my knees hurt already.  I feel the incredible slog, one heavy step after another–not at all like what I imagine my family feels, bounding weightlessly like antelopes toward their next PR.  I experience a version of the fight-or-flight response, a visceral sensation of threat: I’ll have blisters everywhere, I’ll never make it to the end, they’ll have to carry me, I’ll have a heart attack and die!

Maybe some people have a similar reaction to politics?  I don’t know enough, it’s too complicated.  It’s overwhelming, I’ll look ignorant, people will judge and shame me before I can even finish a thought.  It’s all so emotional, I can’t handle that, it will only escalate into conflict, my relationships will all be at risk, I’ll lose all my friends!

As you may have read, I have been trying to get some conservative friends to engage face to face.  I am genuinely curious about their points of view; I want to understand.  I want to practice my skills—curiosity, openness, empathy, identifying shared interests, withholding judgment.  Two invitations were initially met with a non-response.  After a follow up call or two, I am scheduled to meet one set of friends for dinner this week, and the other said he was too busy.  I feel like I’m dragging them out running when they would much rather play golf or go bowling.

I have realized: we don’t all have to keep up with every day’s new political freak shows.  We don’t all need to be the debate champions of our particular ideology.  Not everybody has to be a marathoner.

HOWEVER:

We all need exercise.  The body is built to move.  Regular physical activity, as we all know, reduces our risks of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.  Did you also know it can decrease depression, dementia, and even cancer?  So pick your sport—just do some kind of movement every day!

Similarly, even if we don’t all talk politics, we all need effective communication skills, especially in the arenas of conflict resolution, negotiation, parenting (which encompasses them all), and the like.  We are social beings—we only survive by cooperating and living well within our tribes, and by tribes living well among one another.  That can only happen if we practice getting along.

So if you’re not a runner/marathoner, what do you do?  What is your thing, how often do you engage, and what keeps you coming back?  If you hate talking politics, how else are you already a great communicator?

Maybe you’re a natural at getting your toddler/tween/teen to see the wisdom of the rules and getting their buy-in to follow them.

Maybe you can always help your boss and coworker iron out their differences because you can understand both sides (are you in HR?).

Maybe you like to debate the merits of the Marvel Comic Universe vs. DC—and you could argue both sides because it’s just more interesting that way.

We all have areas where we shine, where we contribute to the tribe through words and actions.

I have picked up some tips along the way:

  1. Validate people’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their position or behavior.
  2. Stay open to the 2% truth of an opposing philosophy or idea.
  3. Withhold judgment on the whole person even though they espouse an ideology you despise, at least until you know from multiple encounters that they have no shred of kindness or humanity in them.
  4. Look for what you have in common with people, and choose to focus there more than on how you differ.

So even if you’re not an elite running machine like my sister and brother-in-law, or you’re not your community’s foremost political pundit, know that your other training matters.

I may complete a marathon someday…  Never say never.  For now I’m happy to stick with my TRX, kettle bells, 7 minute and Betty Rocker workouts (once again, I have no financial interests in any of these businesses).  I appreciate my family’s invitation to run, and I respectfully decline at this time.  Similarly, I will try to be more mindful about inadvertently pressuring people to talk politics.  It’s never meant to be adversarial, only a bid for connection—I’m looking for training buddies!

I don’t need everybody to talk politics.  But I do need everybody to practice excellent communication, especially in political discourse.

We all need that.

On You, Team Captain and Tribal Leader

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NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 29

To Patients Who Think What You Do Doesn’t Matter:

Think again.

Yesterday I described You, the Elite Athlete.  All great athletes know they do not succeed alone.  They also appreciate the unique contribution they make to their teams.  What teams do you serve?  How do you lead?  It doesn’t matter whether you have a title or designation.  One of my favorite ideas is that no matter our instrument in the orchestra, according to Ben Zander, we can lead from any chair.

For now, think of yourself as Team Captain, or Tribal Leader.  You have invested in yourself by fueling and training, resting and recovering, managing your stress, and cultivating excellent relationships.  Now you can take the returns and reinvest in those around you:

Appraise:  Prioritize self-care

  • Like on an airplane: “Put your own mask on first.” Tribal leaders know that to effectively care for others long term, they first need to be healthy themselves.
  • Practice awareness and management of your emotions, and prevent emotional hijacking, so as to be emotionally available to our teammates and tribe members.

Empathize:  Speak the team’s language(s)

  • Think of your favorite teachers and coaches—they were able to relate to learners at all stages of development and team morale—and lovingly lift us all up.
  • “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” –T. Roosevelt

Inspire:  Lead by example

  • Effective leaders reject victim mentality, take responsibility for our actions, and model accountability for fellow tribe members.
  • When we captains can take our own mistakes in stride, as learning opportunities rather than shameful horrors, we make it safe for our teammates to do the same.
  • Everybody is then free to take more risks, voice more ideas, offer more of their authentic selves as a contribution to the whole,
  • Because they see us, their leaders, the ones who set the tone for the group, doing it, too.
  • Key here also is leading out loud—excellent captains articulate and coach the methods of self-awareness and self-management that help us all succeed.
  • By inspiring individuals to pursue personal excellence, leaders create a supportive milieu for collaboration and collective achievement.

Motivate:  Empower team members

  • Effective captains (coaches, leaders) recognize team members’ strengths and potential, as well as areas for improvement.
  • Rather than shaming teammates for mistakes or deficiencies, good tribal leaders provide feedback and encouragement, and more opportunities for practice and development.
  • They take into account each team member’s personal goals, and help to align them with those of the collective—excellent captains connect individuals to the whole.

If your actions cause others to

Dream more, learn more,

Do more and become more,

You are a leader.

–John Quincy Adams

What would happen if you treated yourself like a true leader?

On You, the Elite Athlete

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NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 28

To All Patients:

What would happen if you thought of yourself as an elite athlete?

I present tonight the first phase of the presentations I have given this fall to physicians, corporate executives, and tomorrow, a corporate design team.  See how it applies to you:

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What makes you exactly the same as Pat Summit, Martina Navratilova, Michael Jordan, Dana Torres, Peyton Manning, Serena Williams, Wayne Gretzky, and Walter Payton?  You are an elite athlete.  You have a specific skill set which you spent years training and honing.  You continue, through practice and discipline, to refine it.  It’s an upward striving, just like an Olympian—Higher, Faster, Stronger!  And, you’re part of a team.

So how should you take care of yourself—your very valuable, elite athlete self?

Fuel & Train

  • “Regular people diet and exercise. Athletes fuel and train.” –Melissa Orth-Fray
  • Our bodies are our vehicles. Elite athletes’ vehicles require premium fuel and meticulous maintenance.
  • We all struggle with the same challenges—time, motivation, discipline.
  • Each day we have an opportunity to walk the talk, and practice what we preach. Every good lifestyle choice, no matter how small (apple instead of candy, stand rather than sit), is a step of intention toward health.

Rest & Recover

  • Chronic sleep debt increases risks for diabetes, obesity, impaired immune function: GET MORE SLEEP.
  • Rest and recovery are integral for sustaining long term performance and injury prevention—ie burnout. This applies for both physical and mental exertion.
  • Take your allotted vacations and really disconnect.  The world will still function (temporarily) without you.
  • Broaden your methods: 15 minute walk, 10 minute meditation, 5 minutes of journaling—unwind, unload.

Manage your stress

  • How do you know when you are ‘stressed?’ How/where does stress manifest in your body?
  • What are your existing resilience practices? How quickly do you abandon them when things get busy?
  • Exercise mindfulness: Live in the moment; breathe deeply; speak and act intentionally, not incidentally.
  • We are no different from toddlers—easily emotionally hijacked when tired, hungry, over-extended.
  • Elite athletes use the disciplines above to manage their emotions and stay focused.

Cultivate positive relationships

  • Coaches, teammates, trainers, psychologists, equipment managers—no athlete succeeds alone.
  • We thrive when we feel seen, heard, understood, accepted, loved, and safe.
  • It is only when our relationships are strong and we feel connected, that we can truly care for ourselves and our teams.
  • Who is your support network, and how do they hold you up?
  • Who do you support, and why/how does this fulfill you?

 

What is your sport?  Who is your team?  How does caring for yourself benefit those around you?  And finally, what can you do today, tomorrow, next week, next month, and in the next year, that will elevate your own health and well-being, and that of your team?  Please share your ideas in the comments!