Category Archives: Inspiration

Books For Road Tripping and Empty Nesting

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  1. Coming Up Short, Robert Reich
  2. Honor, Kristen Proby
  3. [Never the Roses, Jennifer K Lambert]
  4. Who Is Mr. Satoshi?, Jonathan Lee
  5. Why We Love, Helen Fisher
  6. Polysecure, Jessica Fern
  7. What a Duke Dares, Anna Campbell
  8. (The Well at the World’s End, AJ Mackinnon)
  9. How to Change, Katy Milkman

These are the books I have consumed in the past two weeks. (This one is ongoing) and [this was a repeat listen]. As usual, bold indicates favorites.

I’m still processing this new empty nest experience; suffice it to say for now, it’s a mild emotional roller coaster with a net very positive effect on mood and well-being. Kids are both well and communicating enough (they are merciful on their anxious mom), which is all I need to feel liberated and joyous. I can now find my way in this new life phase of long, loose, still secure tethers. So exciting!

Wanna know about the books? They have all been worthy companions on the road, in the hotels, and in my now very quiet house.

Coming up Short, Robert Reich
Mei and I saved this for the two day road trip to New York, and we loved it. We have both admired both Robert Reich and his son Sam, CEO of Dropout TV, which Mei introduced me to a few years ago. The elder Reich’s memoir is funny, heartfelt, honest, vulnerable, and instructive. To hear inside stories from various arms of government in every administration since Ford, from the perspective of one who has always championed causes and positions to protect people against bullies, inspires and agitates. Highly recommend.

Honor, Kristen Proby
Fun, small town romance with Florence Nightengale x bodyguard vibes–sexy. Listened to this one in preparation to meet Kristen as well as narrators Shane East and Andi Arndt at an upcoming event in Proby’s home state of Montana. I’ll be back in the Rockies this autumn, my friends–life is good.

Never the Roses, Jennifer K Lambert
This may be my favorite book of the year so far; I almost wrote a whole post about it. This is Lambert’s debut novel and narrators Shane East and Chloe Campbell take it and run. The rivals to lovers, slow burn, low spice romantasy captured my attention with intellectual intrigue and exquisite literary writing style, as well as clever humor and characters whose vulnerability and power juxtapose in the most delicious ways. Both sides of my brain would have lit up on fMRI while listening, I’m sure. Hero and heroine’s mutual respect, ethics, self-restraint and finally abiding love and loyalty just wring me for everything I love about romance. GAH!

Who Is Mr. Satoshi?, Jonathan Lee
Narrated by Steve West, a novel about a son’s journey of self- and family discovery after his mother’s death. The characters are lovable in their quirky ways, and I learned things I never knew about Western occupation of Japan after the Second World War. Not a romance, but I consider it a love story. In the end, it’s our relationships that save us. No question.

Why We Love, Helen Fisher
Love is a drive, not an emotion! This revelation and the science behind it continues to fascinate me, and I admire teachers like Fisher and Esther Perel who explain it all so well! Romantic love, lust, and attachment: The book describes these three aspects of human love relationships in a way that makes sense, but doesn’t diminish the mystery and awe of the lived experience. May Fisher’s memory be a blessing on all of us who wish to understand ourselves and one another better!

Polysecure, Jessica Fern
I listened to this one at 1.75x after the library notified me that it was due in three days and I had not started! Highly recommend. Fern explains social, emotional, psychological, and operational foundations of polyamory and other forms of consensual nonmonogamy. Much of the book delves deeply into attachment theory, and I learned how much more complex it is than my prior, superficial understanding. This book helped reassure me, possibly more than any other objective source, that I have probably been a good enough mom.

What a Duke Dares, Anna Campbell
From 2014, narrated solo by Steve West. I forewent writing and sleep for this story, which is my highest sign of audiobook engagement. Something about strong willed and irreverent heroines maneuvering rigid, patriarchal social norms, their heroes finding ‘safe’ ways to defy the same toxic societal constraints to discover and express their own emotional vulnerability, the pairs overcoming it all to finally secure their mutual love despite all the forces that oppose it, and in every instance with the help of loyal family or friends, just makes me melt. And Campbell’s writing style, like Lambert’s, elevates the intellect! Highly recommend.

How to Change, Katy Milkman
It’s not just about habit change, my friends. It’s about systems. Our brains, our environments, our behavior patterns are all overlapping and nested systems with mechanics, levers, frictions, triggers, and keys. A competitive tennis player, engineer, and now professor of behavioral economics at Penn, Milkman expertly explains how these systems work and how we can work with rather than against them to make change both easier and sustainable. I don’t see it as just a self-help book, though. The attitudes and skills she describes apply to leadership. Of course they do. Because nobody lives or operates in a vacuum. We all lead one another by example. For those familiar with concepts from Nudge by Thaler and Sunstein and Mindset by Carol Dweck, this audiobook can easily be absorbed at 1.5x speed.

Up next: Moral Ambition by Rutger Bregman and A Scoundrel by Moonlight by Anna Campbell. The list of pending books grows by the day, and I maintain both hope and conviction to plow, absorb, and integrate my way through it with tenacity and enthusiasm!

Hope you all had a great weekend, friends. Onward through the chaos in courage and connection!! [fist bump and praying hands emojis]

No Longer Stupid, Not Yet Infirm: Make Every Pull Count

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Reflections on turning 52, yay!

I’ gotta say, I kinda killed it at the gym yesterday. It’s because Jacob was coaching, and because it was the third week of the block and I had avoided death the prior two Saturdays–that does wonders for confidence! Band rotations, bike, rope waves (I hate ropes), butterfly sit ups, mountain climbers, rower and SkiErg–woohooooo!

Remember when I wrote about how much I love driving curvy roads in the mountains? It’s the challenge of hugging that perfect tangent, timing the brake and acceleration just right–such a thrill! I feel the same way about rowing and skiing at the gym. Every pull on the machine is a chance to train that movement just a little better. What proportion of rowing power comes from hip and knee extension versus lat pull? When during the stroke is best to extend the back, if at all? How much hinge and knee flexion is optimal on that ski? If I practice this well and I ever get on The Price Is Right, will I have an advantage spinning that big wheel? We train functional movements, after all!

It’s a practice in presence. When I focus on each pull of the rower or SkiErg, I’m almost one with the machine, flowing in real time, in fluid motion. It borders on meditative, honestly. Each pull, each session feels a little more fluid, a little more powerful, efficient, and rewarding. Where else can I apply this mindset? On the slackboard. For two months now I have set the goal of spending five minutes each work day balancing on a two inch wide nylon strap that spans the length of a skateboard-shaped wooden plank. I’m already good on both long and round boards and a Bosu, but this is a whole new challenge. The asymmetry between left and right, which I sense only somewhat doing single leg movements in the gym, amplifies exponentially on the slack line. But in fifteen minutes or less per week, in eight weeks, I have made noticeable improvements in both physical balance and mental focus.

What fantastic opportunities, these training modalities, to continue growing body, mind, and spirit at this age! My nest is about to empty. I have things yet to do and plenty of runway still to do them, if I attend to what matters:

5 Domains: Sleep, Exercise, Nutrition, Stress Management, and Relationships.
3 Fundamental Skills: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Effective Communication.
5 Attributes of physical, mental, emotional, and relational fitness: Stable, Strong, Flexible, Agile, and Resilient.

Life is crazy fun when we keep learning and growing, making new friends, finding love and connection around every corner.

Love multiplies when offered, received, reflected, and amplified. I experience it every day and never take it for granted. There are also areas where I could love better; every day is another chance to practice that, too.

Who knows how long we each have on this earth, really? Regardless, I still think of every life as having infinite possibilities–HA! I wrote that post on my birthday three years ago! We just never know what encounters will change our lives for the better, set us on a path of even deeper, brighter, tighter, and more inclusive love. Even through pain and struggle, there can always be light on the other side.

No longer stupid, yes… Maybe for a decade or so now?
Not yet infirm, RAH! Not for many more years, if I can help it!

Make every pull, every encounter, every relationship, every expression, every breath count, my friends!

Bring What Ya Got. Wow, I wrote that one over ten years ago. I got the advice in 1987, and it’s just as relevant for me at 52 as it was at 14, maybe even more so, as what I’ ‘got’ right now is definitely not what I had then! OH that makes me laugh in so many different ways, it’s just too good.

Daughter and I hit the road tomorrow, friends. I’ gotta pack! I have an idea what I may write here next week, and it could all change multiple times between now and then–life! Onward in love, light, peace, and snacks!

The Inner Voice Committee: My Counsel of Self

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“Your inner critic is not usually this loud.”

Thank God for dear friends. Readers of this blog know my deep gratitude for Donna, who has lifted me out of funks now more times than I can count. Yesterday after a kickass (as in it kicked my ass) workout at Redefined Fitness and while inhaling our eggs and potatoes at Egg Harbor, she helped me work through my latest mental morass. ‘Breakthrough’ could be an understatement.

What are our inner voices? What do they tell us? What purpose do they serve?
I quote some of mine:
“I am fat. Other people must feel disgust when they look at me.”
“I am awesome: loving, connected, attuned, smart, holistic, and integrative.”
“I am not enough; must do more, be more, show more, lead more, leave more good behind.”
“I have too many gifts to have been earned–must have been a martyr in a past life–thus I must give back and pay forward.”
“I just love me.”
“I have really fucked up _______ and ________, omg.”

So much paradox! And it’s not quite noise or cacophony, more like a dissonant symphony, full of musicians committed to playing together but just not always on the same page or in the same key? Not totally worked out that metaphor yet. But another one emerged suddenly and strongly, and the ideas below flowed as if out of a fire hose:

My Inner Voices each have a persona, and they sit in conference at the round table of my being. In the 16 hours after brunch with Donna, I have now identified eight of them and given them names. I have gotten still and closed my eyes, feeling their energy. I sense their posture and see their wardrobe. The image of their presence at the table, individually and collectively, reframes my attitude toward them all, and I am both surprised and not at all of it. I shake my head in utter appreciation of my friend, for seeing me, whole and unbroken, if a bit unbalanced. Turns out my Gallup strengths show up a lot in my Voices: Input, Maximizer, Positivity, Connectedness, Learner.
Thank you, Donna, for your loving, honest, clear, and shining reflection of my self. I hope I do the same for you.

This will be long, my friends. It’s all for me–to document today so I may look back in the future and see where I was and how the path will have unfolded hence. I’m so excited.
And I wonder how it may stimulate your own Counsel of Self?

The Body Shamer
ENERGY: Low and negative. Fear, externally focused. Not calm, rather anxious. Low agency–fascinating! Not angry, but judgmental. Fearful of losing control, of irrevocable descent into fatness and all of the limitations thereof.
POSTURE: Small. Hunched but staring, as if from a dark corner–dark in general, almost nauseated; pointing.
WARDROBE: Darkly robed in rough, uncomfortable fabric.
AT THE TABLE: Sitting upright. Protective, like parents: Here to keep things in order, to monitor and hold me to account.

The Creator
ENERGY: BRIGHT, high. Pacing, bouncing, excited, eyes wide open–open open!!–grabby, loud, unconstrained, seeking, querying, integrating, exploring, inviting.
POSTURE: Tall, wide, constantly in motion, gesturing enthusiastically. Leaning in close, tight, then expanding in victory pose.
WARDROBE: Light fabrics, comfy, that move with her, sleeves pushed up. Flowy, light colored florals, maybe. Hair tied back neatly and practically, pretty.
AT THE TABLE: A bit more regulated. Sitting upright, alert, looking and listening for opportunities to jump on and start new projects–attuned to integration openings. Encouraging to others at the table.

The Learner/Scholar
ENERGY: Also bright, but much calmer than Creator. Studious. Curious. Slower, more cognitive, pulling on all files (well organized and deep) of past learning to apply to new information/knowledge. Serious yet open, smart, sharp, prides herself on seeing connections that others may miss. Confident and strong; powerful.
POSTURE: Upright, usually sitting–pen in mouth, hands flying over keyboard, perusing images, graphs, abstracts, articles.
WARDROBE: Work clothes. Well fitted and professional, bright tops and black bottoms, stylish but practical footwear.
AT THE TABLE: Sits back, content and confident to have made contributions in advance. Knows that learnings are there to access–like proud elder ready to watch others apply. This one surprised me as it emerged.

The Driver
ENERGY: Impatient, urgent, prodding; but also proud and encouraging–confident in me–knows my power and potential. Humming vibration of motivation, always in gear, never neutral.
POSTURE: Crouching? Always in ready position–to push, to tow, to squat, to DRIVE. Tense, contracted, high muscle tone, not relaxed.
WARDROBE: Workout clothes? Warm up suit like a coach? Or maybe Asian Grandma.
AT THE TABLE: Sits next to Body Shamer? They are both there to motivate, to hold accountable; they hold standards (but whose?). Alert, worried that the rest of the voices will slack and derail? Feels proud and satisfied as long as the conference persists, the dialogue, activity, and motion continue.

The Connector/Lover
ENERGY: LOVING. Open, kissy, huggy, sticky, curious, wants to know everybody deeply. Forceful with light and power, like Creator but directed at individual people rather than ideas and projects. The human origin of the happy/excited emoji string. Mantra is, “This person has something great to offer and I will find and amplify it!”
POSTURE: In. your. face, grinning. Bouncy high energy like Creator; standing, jumping, hugging, gesturing, and with wildly expressive facial expressions.
WARDROBE: Comfy clothes–oversized fleece, cardigans, big sleeves, black leggings. Envelop-you-and-me clothes, to cuddle and cradle coffee mugs together. Soft colors, fluffy socks, stuffies and plushies close by.
AT THE TABLE: SMILING. Bouncing to tell the story about the last amazing conversation and turn to Learner and Creator to see how to incorporate/integrate it with existing files about humanity and relationships, eagerly awaiting the ‘next assignment’ or opportunity to meet someone new. Giddiness barely contained.

The Carer
ENERGY: Serene. Calm. Not quite solemn but much better regulated than Creator and Connector. Adjacent to Learner? Work Cathy = Learner + Carer. Attentive, intent on listening, hearing, sensing, attuning. Open, welcoming, nonjudgmental. Empathic, not just empathetic. Like Connector but more focused and aimed deeper.
POSTURE: Leaning in, steady, high eye contact, but not invasive. Slow, close, sitting; not fidgety.
WARDROBE: Lunch clothes–between gym and work. Dressy yoga pants, comfy and flattering top, whatever allows for attention to be all on the other person.
AT THE TABLE: Calm like Learner, present and not that loud. Not that much to say; presence is known, felt, counted on. Learner and Carer chair the committee most of the time, I think.

The Crusader/Campaigner (ENFP of 16 Personalities)
ENERGY: HIGH. In motion, driving forward with purpose. Holds the ‘Our Relationships Save Us’ banner high and marches in front. Steady, no matter where she walks her presence is felt and known, encouraging and motivating–the cheerLEADER.
POSTURE: A little like Driver, crouching to rise up in conduction of the stadium wave, pacing the sidelines, pep talking and, of course, gesturing.
WARDROBE: Sporty, versatile, can be dressed up or down to go from work to give a talk to casual social event. Stretchy, bright fabrics, chunky heeled Dansko Mary Janes for marching in practical comfort and style.
AT THE TABLE: Like Creator looking for signs/opportunities to move the group, to integrate all voices in the direction of the Why and our Just Cause: to elevate all relationships we touch. Sees herself as the reminder of mission; operates the Bat Signal.

The Cynic
ENERGY: Male. Holding back, untrusting; a resistance. Sticky on the floor, high friction. Reserved, hesitant, almost disengaged–inhibited. Opposite energy of Connector and Creator. Narrow, cautious, not native to the group. Not unwelcome but not allowed to lead.
POSTURE: Quiet, upright but not forceful; alert and attentive, respectful. Listening for risk, ready to soothe and validate when other voices get despondent about connection thwarted or need a moment to vent and swear about how ‘people suck.’ Knows seat at table is guaranteed, valued, and purposeful; knows when to speak and not.
WARDROBE: Not mine. White button down dress shirt and gray trousers. Never changes, no color, bland.
AT THE TABLE: Straight and stiff, non-effusive. Quiet, but not afraid to speak; knows that his voice will be treated critically, not dismissed but heavily scrutinized. He can be humorous–the cutting, sarcastic, fatalistic variety. May have an alter ego who shows up as East Asian Woman Comedian?

The Committee/Counselors
ENERGY: Respectful, purposeful, collegial, all in the metaphorical boat, rowing in the same direction, their backs fully in it, no question.
Each voice holds its own space, self-regulating and interacting calmly, offering others the curiosity and openness that is my ethos.
AGENDA: Whatever occupies my consciousness at the time; one or more of the voices may be agitated and even in conflict. They come to the table ready to negotiate in good faith, assuming the best of one another, always on the same team. Ambivalent advocacy is okay; adversarial is not.
GOALS, METRICS, OUTCOMES: Align, Assign, Act, Assess, Repeat. Hey, A5R! 😀

Newly convened, I now get to decide how often my Inner Voice Committee/Counsel of Self will gather and commune hereafter.
This could be awesome.