The Most Meaningful Fiction of My Life Yet

What stories do you consume repeatedly? What drives this?

I have alluded to the Crowns Trilogy by Nicola Tyche a few times since I first listened back in November. Tonight I’m five hours away from finishing my fifth binge of the entire series since then. How fascinating!

Regular and long time readers of this blog will recognize other books with this kind of record in my history, such as The Art of Possibility and Start With Why. Recently the novels Beastly Beauty and Never the Roses have left deep impressions on me. The thread tying them all together, of course, is the centrality of relationship and integrity to oneself and one’s core values, and how this then shapes our connections to others. That theme certainly persists in Crowns, but its impact feels deeper, more acute, and I could not fully articulate why until these past weeks. Many thanks to my dear friends who have helped me put it into these early coherent words. I had already identified that it was the utter accuracy and completeness of the story’s depiction of humanity–its tender, messy, violent, complex, and paradoxical nature, that strikes me. But all good fiction does that. What is it about Crowns that hooks me so deeply?

First Sharon asked me, after hearing me gush about the writing, to describe specifically what I love about the it. First, active verbs, hallelujah! Then the dialogue, the banter, the clever and subtle humor. Then the performances. Katherine Kennard, Connor Brannigan, and Zach Lazar Hoffman voice all of the characters with both technical precision and emotional depth. I imagine the writing made it easy for them to embody the characters, because the words are evocative. Fear, anger, devotion, anguish, loyalty, conviction, ambivalence, and, of course love–the characters’ conveyence of all these emotions and more spring from each chapter right into my amygdala, sparking it in ways I may have never experienced before from a book.

Phara first introduced this series to me, and I shared widely and immediately. Donna and Anna both loved it and we finally gathered to discuss last Thursday. For two hours we professed our admiration for Norah, the strong back, soft front heroine and our love for Mikhail, the utterly romantic hero we all wished to know better. We gushed over the loyal and tragic Alexander and his fun and lighthearted brother Adrian. But we saved our greatest devotion for Soren, for the depth and complexity of his character and the scope of his arc as the strongest and most lovable (in our opinion) hero of all. I named our group chat Sorenettes. Asked again, so lovingly, why this series affects me so, I was able to get to how the characters all show us how we can change our minds about people, groups, and ideas, and the inherited and established assumptions that we had previously held as immutable truths. This story gives me hope for connection despite serious barriers.

But it was Sean, whom I referenced in another post centered on Crowns back in December, who really cracked it open for me two days ago. Meeting in the Den at Ethos before our strength class, Sean’s face postively lit up when he asked, “Cathy, five times?” Remarkable and outstanding. I was queried again, invited enthusiastically to go deeper yet. And then it emerged: validation. Crowns hits me squarely at my Why, which is connection, especially across difference. Over three long books and over 40 hours of narration, the sweeping epic that spans kingdoms at war, a tragic love triangle, and the full scope of human emotion, the characters persist and finally triumph in the work of connection, despite myriad forces that oppose and threaten it, even mortally. What cosmic fortune that Phara gifted me this trilogy just when the world feels so lost to our ability to connect in general, and especially across any differences.

The insights have continued to roll out over the weekend. There’s too much to write tonight; I’ll have to do it all in chunks! That feels right–I want to savor the continuous processing, unfolding, emergence, and integration of meaning and synthesis that this story evokes. I already have at least three posts in draft, which I look forward to fleshing out: Rupture and Repair, Clinging to Our Beliefs, The Freedom of Being Seen and Known… OH, I could probably right a post a day this November based on quotes and passages!

My current thesis statement of the Crowns impact on me:
It is our face to face, one-on-one, personal connections, forged with continuous and concerted effort, patiently over time, despite both internal and external barriers and resistance, that save us. These connections require openness, curiosity, honesty, empathy, integrity, and humility from us all, and when grounded in love, they can overcome almost any division, I am convinced.

What relationships in your life fit this description?

Interestingly, jar smile writing slowed down unexpectedly and disconcertingly these last few weeks. I sat down most nights with the intense desire to write, then found myself uninspired for the usual love notes. Fascinating. I managed to sputter out some decent ones for the Ethos jar before finally hearing the call. Lessons and insights from Love Your Enemies and Crowns swirl together like the sweetest soft serve ice cream in my head and heart, and that’s what I need to put into jars right now. I feel people’s desire for less adversarial, calmer, and more thoughtful discourse. I sense the distress so many feel that it may be a lost cause. It is not! There is hope! And I can literally ‘bottle it’ for us! I posted on Instagram tonight:

“Prepping to write mini jars of love notes for bridging work. Anybody want one?”
“We must mind our assumptions of others’ motivations. Ask what they *care* about before that they hate.”
“22 tiny encouragemennts to bridge our differences; will send to someone wililng to receive.”

The first jar is already spoken for, and I feel inspiration rising to continue and persist.

So much good work to do, my friends. And I cannot think of a better way to do it than together. Epic love stories and tiny love notes help, of course.

This Is How We Do It

Thank you, Arthur Brooks, for giving us the manual that could save us.

Last night I traveled to northwest Indiana to cook and talk politics at my Red voting friends’ home. When we made the date I did not realize it would be just after Chinese New Year, though we agreed to make potstickers. My friends had bought a bowl full of Asian fruit to celebrate and we exchanged perspectives and opinions for six hours straight. I felt mildly nervous for days beforehand, but as soon as we got to chopping, wrapping, and talking, all anxiety fell away.

There was a lot of listening, questioning, explaining, and storytelling. It was all loving and connecting. I hope we continue to meet, cook, talk, and commune.

I had listened to Love Your Enemies this week and ordered the paperback to annotate; but I got the large print by accident. So I brought it to my friends’ house and offered it to them, which they enthusiastically accepted. I hope we can talk about its principles together soon, share the book with everybody we know, and maybe even expand our conversations to include others.

My hardcover arrived yesterday and I’m about 65% through reading and marking it up (it goes much faster after having listened). I hope to return here with highlights after today, but in case I don’t, here are four rules toward the end that would make everything better in all relationships and conversations, if we followed them regularly:

  1. Cultivate relationships “based on willing the good of the other and a shared sense of what is virtuous and true.” These are the friendships of honest caring and in which you do not fear disagreement. You each genuinely want to know why the other thinks or feels differently about something, that curiosity is founded in love, and you disagree respectfully.
  2. “Do not attack or insult. Don’t even try to win… The point of disagreement–if disagreement is to make us better and draw us together [which is Brooks’s premise in the book and I agree]–is never winning. It certainly isn’t to attack someone else. It is to enrich the discussion, test out your point of view in a respectful way, and persuade someone you care about.” Shaming, one-upping, jeering, name-calling and the like do no good. Please stop.
  3. “Never assume the motives of another person… To be sure, some people do harbor bad motives… But it is not reasonable to argue that malevolence and hatred are the animating fources behind the beliefs of the vast majority of Americans today. Worse than being just unfair, such a belief is too often based in rank ignorance… The truth is that highly partisan conservatives and liberals are shockingly clueless about the other side–about their motives and everything else. How many times have you heard a conservative pundit say that Democrats want to keep poor people dependent on the government to keep them voting Democratic? Or a liberal pundit say that Republican tax policies are all about helping Republicans’ wealthy friends?” The point is, individuals’ motives are complex and diverse within any given group, and they are often not nearly as nefarious or divergent from ours as the loudest and most extreme among us may scream.
  4. “Use your values as a gift, not as a weapon.” Examples: Someone who is pro-life calling someone who is pro-choice a baby killer, or someone in favor of gun control saying that NRA supporters care more about guns than children. “Values are supposed to be positive. Even if people disagree with them they aren’t supposed to harm others. It’s impossible to maintain the moral content of our values and use them as a weapon at the same time.”

I posted the following to my Instagram and Facebook accounts this week, and I extend the invitation to readers of this blog. We have work to do, my friends. The only way out is through. The best way through is together. I hope you will join me.

“Ok friends.

“I am filled with hope tonight. 🥰🙏🏼🥰
More and more people I know are inspired (or agitated) to do bridging work, and their skills, experiences, and perspectives are all so instructive, regardless of their politics.

“Looking through (Arthur Brooks)’s library in anticipation of his upcoming book, I found Love Your Enemies: How decent people can save America from the culture of contempt. Written in 2019, it is a cogent and humbling dissection of the state of our complex union to that point, and strikes remarkably prescient for our current toxic morass—culture of contempt on steroids!

I’m only about 35% through and it’s already both shifting and deepening my understanding of and approach to connecting across relational differences of *all* kinds. I have already ordered my print copy and I will mark it up with JOYFUL ENTHUSIASM!

“My friends, this is our moment.
“‘What can I do, I’m just one person?’ said seven billion people.”

“I want to share this book and this work with any of you who sense any inkling, any spark or movement of hope that you could participate, even in the smallest way. Because even if only seven of us start, our energy will ripple out. We *can* make a difference!

“So I have an offer/invitation:
I will gift this book, in the format of your choice, to you, my friends.
I have two conditions:
1. I know you in real life (online counts if we have interacted meaningfully and would meet in person if we were in the same city).
2. You agree to engage in one bridging conversation before July 4, with me or someone important in your life, as an earnest attempt at this work.

“My intent is to walk with, support, encourage, and hold you accountable on this important journey as we all learn, practice, and train together. If you commit to talking to someone else, I offer two thirty minute calls, one for coaching in advance, and one to debrief afterward.

“Comment here (I reserve the right to delete ad hominem etc) or DM me. Ask me questions. Share with our mutual friends.
My tank is full right now and my engines rev.
Let’s get to work! 👊🏼💪🏼👏🏼”

Power and Grace: Year of the Fire Horse

Image from The Sunday Guardian

The Lunar Year of the Fire Horse arrives this Tuesday, February 17.
Happy New Year, my friends.

I’ve thought about this post for a couple weeks now, reflecting on power and grace, two attributes of horses that I admire and wish to manifest in 2026 and beyond.

Power
Brené Brown and others distinguish between power to and power over. We all have power to–to act, influence, resist, etc.–to various degrees in certain contexts. But not everybody has power over, and right now in the US we witness our government exercising its power over people and systems in brutal and unconscionable ways. Consider those in authority who have exercised power over you–parents, teachers, bosses, administrators, police–we know when they wield their power abusively. It is an intuitive and visceral knowing, whether we admit it or not.

So as concerned members of society, called to stand up for our fellow humans getting traumatized on a daily basis, where does our power to lie, as individuals, groups, and communities? Peaceful protest is one. Also “grassroots guerilla support systems”, as novelist and poet JP Greene calls them. He writes further in last week’s newsletter, Stomaching the American Lie, “It looks like local butcher shops feeding people for free when SNAP benefits get cut. It looks like neighbors getting to know neighbors and community gardens and mutual aid networks and communities that guard and teach and raise up their children collectively.” Where could it lie that we haven’t noticed?

No one will be surprised when I submit that our power to also lies in connection across difference. The polarization we witness that stems from the most extreme voices on any topic feels insurmountable. Those of us on either side who recognize the nuggets of truth among our opposition’s positions may feel powerless to change the prevailing narrative on our own side that demonizes and dehumanizes the other–a narrative that benefits nobody. To dissent feels like an exercise in futility.

Connecting across difference and finding the ‘you have a point’ moments feels like giving power away, no? But concensus, however small, builds power and momentum to move and merge attitudes and then policy meaningfully. It requires patience, humility, openness, empathy, and honesty. How many of us view these traits as strong, as conferring power to those who wield them? If we think in terms of power over, then humility and empathy can feel weak. But if we wish to engage and challenge civilly, to explore, invite, and nudge people to loosen their strongly held biases and rigid positions, to change the narrative on both sides from ‘vanquish the enemy’ to ‘get to work and solve problems for real now’, then humility, patience, empathy, honesty, and integrity may be the most powerful skills we can call forth. These are the heaviest tools of power to when it comes to effecting consequential human change.

Grace
Few animals evoke a sense of gracefulness more than horses. Their anatomy and movements are a wonder to behold. How can we emulate this essence in our own being, in service to one another?
What does it mean to be graceful, and to ‘give others grace’?
What does this grace feel like in our bodies?

Consider elite ballet dancers and master diplomats, arguably the most physically and verbally graceful among us. How do they train? What traits do they present? Commitment. Discipline. Consistency. Perseverance. Core stability and strength, flexibility, and agility. Mental, physical, and relational resilience. Graceful people exude groundedness and focus. Their nervous systems are both regulated and responsive, alert and attuned, yet slow to agitation and impulsivity. Their energy de-escalates those around them. They exemplify ‘strong back, soft front‘. They move with fluidity and make it look easy, and we want to follow. To exert influence with such minimal apparent effort, to possess such efficiency of energy for impact–that is grace.

Power and grace are analogous to strong back, soft front, which is how I wish to live. Unassailable principles and core values rooted in honesty and integrity, presenting as openness and invitation to connection and relationship. The latter entails vulnerability, which requires courage, which is a form of strength and power. These qualities all intersect and mutually amplify in a personal ethical ecosystem that thrives on the exponential synergy of human connection. How inspiring!

How do we choose to move forward this Fire Horse Year, in our own lives and as a collective? Besides power and grace, what other energies do you wish to exude?
How will living this way benefit you and those around you?
When we look back at the dawn of the Fire Goat Year in 2027, how will we say we have lived?