Category Archives: leadership

Be Myself, Change Myself, Be the Change

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Vail, Colorado, 2019

We are who we are from a very early age, maybe even before we are born. AND, we also constantly evolve throughout our lives. 

This is one of my favorite paradoxes.

Image shared on Instagram–one of my favorite quotes

I’m thinking a lot lately about Outer Peace. Our world swirls and bubbles with chaos and toxicity, so many psyches apparently living on the knife edge between tolerance and breakage, between breathing and screaming. How often are we tempted to yell, kick, throw things, or simply stop whatever we’re doing and just cry a while? How do we hold it together and simply function ourselves, much less help anybody else, and/or make any positive difference in the universe?

The longer I live the more I (re)learn that it’s about core values, goals, and trade offs, and not ego. Change is not about fighting. It’s Inner Peace in service of Outer Peace.

“Yesterday I was clever,” I knew better than everybody else. I was smart, and I wanted to show it. I came at rather than coming alongside, made simple and superficial assumptions, jumped to (often wrong) conclusions. This part of the quote expresses the necessary adolescence that we all go through in life–personal, social, and professional–the ‘know it all’ phase that our elders tolerate knowingly because their own elders did the same for them. Impetuous and defiant confidence, disregarding boundaries, testing and finding limits and resonances, if only subconsciously and often painfully. It is the organic growth and pruning of youth to early adulthood. If we’re lucky, we have mentors to guide us, helping us navigate the morass with fewer mental, emotional, and spiritual nicks, bruises, and fractures.

“…so I wanted to change the world.” Because it *should* all be a certain way, the way I think, because I know what’s right. Those who agree with me are my friends; those who don’t are not. I’m oversimplifying. But this is not far from a persistent mindset reality in our social groups well past physiologic adolescence, and not least among those who determine and enforce policy. Change the world how? According to my own world view and life philosophy, however rigid, narrow, and closed. I wonder about the (inverse?) correlation between how tightly we hold onto our rigidities and how far we have traveled, how diverse our experience, how many different cultures and realities we truly understand and empathize with? I submit that if we are honestly paying attention, if we open our eyes, minds, and hearts to the depth and breadth of any given human’s life experience, it instantly puts our all-knowing and arrogant ego in its place, which is at the back of the ‘world change’ bus.

“Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” I am still clever–perhaps ever more so with age. With wisdom, however, I apply my cleverness in a different, more mindful, relationally intelligent way. I realize that power to change is not power over, it is power to. Strong arming (which includes coercing and shaming) rarely creates lasting, meaningful change, at least not without deep human cost. When I look inward first, seeing how I myself relate to and connect with that which I wish to change, therein lies my strength. I approach any problem from an ultimately human and humane perspective, which makes me more credible, more creative, more holistic in my problem solving. This is a big ask, requiring vulnerability and a willingness to step ‘way outside of my comfort zones. How does this give me any kind of peace? Don’t I risk losing myself, my identity entirely, when I make such daring attempts at real inclusiveness?

Who am I, that I can withstand this broadening, this profound stretching of perspective?

I am clear. I am centered. I am grounded, focused, and engaged–in my Why, in my Just Cause, in my commitment to playing the infinite game of human relationship and connection as long as I possibly can. To be me, my Best Self, means constantly evolving through lived experience, while hewing closely to my core values of honesty, integrity, curiosity, humility, generosity, and kindness. My inner peace comes from knowing, at the end of each day, that I did my best to show up this way, even when it was hard. 

It’s hard when I’m attacked, dismissed, or rejected for asking open, honest questions, for challenging social norms and ‘the way we do things,’ for facing and abutting over and over the rigid, the narrow, the closed. It’s hard when I discover my own rigidity, narrowness, and closures–oh man, that is tough to take. And the practices bring me back; they de-escalate, defuse, disarm, and rejuvenate: Breath. Mindfulness. Writing. Talking. Connection.

Inner Peace may not come immediately or even for a while after a disruption. But it does come, and each training episode strengthens my skills. The peace I eventually feel, then, grows and deepens; it integrates synergistically. It cannot help but then exude, at least while it lasts, until the next trial. Intervals between trials lengthen because what disrupted my peace last year rolls off of my consciousness today. Episodes shorten as I am able to breathe and regulate through them more effectively and efficiently. I become elastic, supple–strong and soft. My peace grows, and I grow with it, as does my capacity to share it.

I am me this whole time, learning, practicing, training, ad infinitum. I am me, rooted while growing. I am me, the change I wish to see in the world.

Politics

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Ooooooooo [rubbing palms together ambitiously]… HOW to write THIS one? [devious facial expression] I feel lighthearted about it and don’t want to offend anyone by minimizing issues and work that mean so much to them. I write with respect.

Here we go.

How do I do politics well already?
–I have stopped watching the news and reading political opinion. I am informed enough and much less agitated and confrontational. This gives me the space to consider current events from the more distant standpoint of my core values and how I wish for our systems to work optimally, rather than getting swept up in the the latest bombastic thing someone said or last atrocity perpetrated by one armed force or another. It is NOT that I feel no empathy or compassion for those affected. When moved, I look for and support agencies that advance causes I care about.
–In the workplace, I play no games. Honestly I don’t even know what the games are. I show up all me, all in, straight forward. I am honest, respectful, and diplomatic. I give feedback based on objective facts and how I interpret them, rather than assuming that my perceptions are facts themselves. I ask for feedback often. I hold relationships first and check in regularly for connection and shared goals.
–I seek and lead conversations around disagreement. I ask a lot of open ended questions based on curiosity more than judgment (imperfectly, but I try my best), and I usually end up listening more than speaking. I get riled up about some things, but even then I my rants are short and core values based, and I can still engage productively. I always learn something valuable in these conversations.

How could I do better?
–I guess I could be more ‘active’? I have written postcards to voters in the past, donated to candidates and officials whom I believe do good. Right now other things take precedence; my attention is fininte.
–When I engage in politics again, I plan to improve my local issue and personnel awareness. Because that is where my attention and action is likely to have more impact.
–When I start consuming political media again, I will be more discerning and look for long form pieces and sources that are clear and open about their biases, and do my best to read widely and divergently.

How does society do politics well already?
Baaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa Sometimes ya just gotta laugh, if only to keep from crying. Okay, okay, let’s see—

Shit still does get done. We may complain every day and rail at the most visible and anonymous folks who ‘run’ things. But when I look around, roads get repaired. People have healthcare (imperfect and frustrating as it so often is). Decisions get made, rules change, and the changes get executed. Then they change back and that gets executed, too. We are able to move–the world does function.

We haven’t descended into total anarchy yet. For most people I know, daily life is still pretty routine, despite the broad and heavy sense of global doom and gloom. It’s not easy, and there are definitely health consequences for many, but life as we know it is not fundamentally threatened. Huh. The more I think about it the more paradoxical it all feels–the sky is falling and life goes on as usual. So there must still be hope, right?

How can we do better?
Holy cow, this may be the most optimistic thing I write all month:

Policy ahead of Power. Here is where the electorate needs to step up and act in a concerted countermovement. We need candidates to nominate and elect who found their campaigns on what they will do for the people, the causes they are for, ahead of those who can only criticize and belittle the ‘other side’ the most derisively, fanning our basest ‘us vs them’ emotional flames. We must understand that in order to get shit done, leaders need excellent interpersonal and communication skills. We need negotiators in office, not mercenaries and tyrants. We need people driven by ideals, not status, greed, or power.

Elevate and reinforce civic participation. In order for the electorate to do this, it needs to practice staying informed. Who has time for that? We need systems that make it easier:
—Transparency and ready access to real, relevant information. This is done well by some and not others. Voting records, brief memos on rationale, clear and consistent communication on relevant issues are all fundamental requirements for effective political leadership. Campaign finance needs to live completely in the light, full stop.
–Hold the press and media accountable. Easier said than done, and profoundly important. “Fake news” is such an incendiary phrase anymore; then again, if we consume less ‘news’ in general and engage in more thoughtful discussion not around daily events and soundbites but actual political ideals and execution of policy in daily life, maybe we can train ourselves into elevated conversations? So, huh, would that diminish the relevance of the media itself? Or maybe shift its focus from click bait to thoughtful discourse? **shudder**
Like I said, I may be high on optimism right this minute…
–Make it easier to vote: national holiday, longer voting hours, whatever it takes–lower the threshhold, get more people informed and participating.

STOP engaging in and amplifying ad hominem. Just stop. When Politician X spews inflammatory accusations, personal attacks, and otherwise acts out, ignore it. Give it no platform. Every time an obnoxious behavior garners clicks, clips, broadcasts, and engagement, the behavior is reinforced and will be repeated. When your kid throws a tantrum, what’s the best way to get them to stop? Ignore them. When they display good manners and healthy skills? Praise them. Adults are no different–how many times in the past week have you compared a public figure to a child? Media and citizens reinforce public political behaviors with attention and amplification. If we do this more strictly and only for actions and words that advance ideals and policy, and not those that dehumanize and incite, our politics could shift more toward productivity.

Breathe deep and take the long view. Yes, landmark decisions and legislation change our lives quickly. And yet, human history does not move linearly. There will always be tension and exchange between divergent and opposing ideals and forces. This is not necessarily a bad thing; how we manage the tension matters most. Mutual respect, shared humanity and core values, honesty, civility, effective interpersonal skills–these are key for a peaceful, productive society, from elected leaders to the general public, even when the majority of conflicts will never actually be ‘resolved’–just like marriage! We will all always be in relationship forever, we humans, and no ‘side’ will ever vanquish any ‘other’. We’ll all be better off if we learn now how to interact more effectively, in private and public alike.

Huh. Looks like I still have a lot of thoughts about how things could be much better on a large scale. I need to write this book, darn it.

Education

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What are you actively learning these days? How do you look back on/see your formal and informal educations? What do you now most wish you knew at some past seminal time?

What do you study? What do you teach? In which domains do you do both, and what is the balance?

Who teaches you? What do you appreciate about them?

How do I do education well already?
–I suck up learning from almost all possible sources. Lately I revel in what I learn from my kids–pop culture, history omg (their formal humanities education is so much broader and and deeper than mine was), fashion, sailing, ballet, music, relationships. I am a student of life; my major is relationships. My cumulative GPA is strong.
–I study teaching, of trainees, patients, kids, audiences, etc. I make an effort to understand learner’s points of reference, readiness, and goals. I try to meet them there, and help them get where they want to go. I can modify my posture, language, and directiveness or collaborativeness based on needs and dynamics.
–I am open to what I don’t know I don’t know. I am extremely teachable.

How could I do it better?
–I realized years ago that it’s not the remedial student who bothers me. It’s the disengaged one. If a learner is earnestly trying, I will go out of my way to help–stay late, think of different methods, stick with them. But if they don’t want to be there, then I don’t want them there, either. The change in me is dramatic, and it doesn’t serve anyone. So these days, my goal is to be honest about my attitude, call out honesty from learners, and make agreements on how we will hold ourselves and one another accountable for a more optimal relationship. Come to think of it, I could apply this to any relationship, yes?
–I could be more critical, especially of things I read online. If I trust you, I will believe what you tell me, especially if I see you as an authority figure. Thankfully I am often surrounded by realists, cynics, and skeptics, who lead me by their critical example.

How does society to education well already?

Identification and accommodation. Much more now than when I grew up, formal education entities recognize and accommodate the diversity of learning styles and needs. Processes and systems are now in place for nonconventional instruction, schedules, etc.

How could we do better?

Value education of all kinds. I always loved the show Dirty Jobs, hosted by Mike Rowe. It taught us about jobs that keep our world functioning, that we never knew about, and that do not involve four year degrees. No matter how much we evolve toward a knowledge and gig economy, we will always need people to grow and process our food, maintain our machines, build our spaces, etc. As AI and machines integrate into all of our systems, formal and continuing education will need to innovate and keep up, and much of it will still not require university credentials.

Remove financial barriers. For the work that does require collegiate creds, and for the sake of liberal arts learning itself, we have to stop putting people into lifelong debt to pursue scholarly goals. It may not be my place to opine on specifics, and I still have the right to call out the irrational and unjustifiable cost of higher education.

Life skills. Reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic are fundamental skills, yes. So are kindness, curiosity, manners, and effective communication. These days it seems at all levels of education, people need to re/learn how to simply be with other people without getting into fights. Maybe we should make All I Really Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten required reading every year through post graduate training?

My point in this post, I realize here at the end, is about intellectual humility:
“People who are intellectually humble know that their beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints are fallible because they realize that the evidence on which their beliefs are based could be limited or flawed or that they may not have the expertise or ability to understand and evaluate the evidence. Intellectual humility involves understanding that we can’t fully trust our beliefs and opinions because we might be relying on faulty or incomplete information or are incapable of understanding the details.” For a more academic explanation, see this article from Nature, which I reference here for my own benefit:
“Research on intellectual humility offers an intriguing avenue to safeguard against human errors and biases. Although it cannot eliminate them entirely, recognizing the limitations of knowledge might help to buffer people from some of their more authoritarian, dogmatic, and biased proclivities.”

The more broadly and humbly we approach education of all kinds, both formal and informal, the better we can all learn how to think, which is exponentially more valuable than learning what to think, since information and knowledge now accelerates and changes many times over in a human lifetime. An attitude of lifelong learning and growth prepares us all to be more flexible, agile, and adaptive to the uncertain and volatile world we have created for ourselves.

Learn how best to learn, keep learning and applying, and be better for it all.