Many years ago I sent fun and functional wall decorations to Tom and Janet’s kids for Christmas. I had apparently neglected to include a gift message at the online checkout and still, my friends knew it was from me.
How do your friends know you? How strangers? Colleagues and rivals? What is the essence of you that lingers after any encounter? Is it what you hope or want? Is it how you know yourself to be? Who would you ask, and what do you feel in your body at the prospect?
What impact do we each wish to have on the world, now and after we’re gone? I think it’s okay if we don’t have a particular wish or plan for it. But let’s be clear: Each and every one of us makes a mark, intentional or not. Because we all matter, truly, each and every one of us.
It occurred to me this weekend what my signature likely is. It emerged like a warm light I’ve always carried that just got a little brighter, a little bigger, catching and holding my attention, waking me from a much needed and now completed psychological (existential?) nap. Small and mighty, as so many great insights are–that little popcorn epiphany has now nudged me to pick up Book work again. I can’t remember when I had put it down, but it was the right thing to do at the time. And now I shall try again. I think I’ll have a lot more fun this time around. So wish me discipline, perseverance, openness, humility, and full ownership of my awesomeness, please? That’s the only way this thing gets out into the world, after all.
What can I hold for you, dear reader? Let’s help each other out, yes? Onward, my friends. We’ got stuff to do.
How do you see and experience your masculine and feminine sides? Consider your strengths and vulnerabilities–how do you relate them, if at all, to gendered aspects of your personality, behavior, and biases? How would others answer these questions about you?
I’ve thought about this idea sporadically for many years, from writing my residency application essay to interacting with fellow physicians in different specialities, to caring for patients in corporate leadership roles grappling with gender stereotypes and biases. It’s complex and fascinating, intuitive and also worth parsing intellectually. The language can be so charged that having a truly open and curious, non-judgmental and exploratory conversation about it is often challenging. Many thanks to my friends who engage and exchange with me so willingly and generously.
This post will live in the questions more than seek answers. I intend to describe and explore, and invite you to do the same. As I consider what to include here, I feel open, calm, welcoming, warm and giddy with potential connection. I wish for a convening, not just of people–readers of this blog–but of the diverse aspects within any one of us. I hold space for fluid and dynamic integration, for easy flow of energy in an infinite, three-dimensional loop of experience that adapts to context, needs, and goals for individuals and collectives alike.
Does this description feel feminine to you? It does to me, and it aligns with how feminine, or yin 陰 energy is often described. The other night as I discussed non-adversarial advocacy with dear friends, I felt the energy of proactivity, purpose, mission, and leadership–what many would align with masculine, or yang 陽 traits. When I think of me at my best, I strive for ‘Strong Back, Soft Front,” integrating these apparently opposing or dissonant vibrations into something coherent, adaptive, and beneficial for myself, my relationships and my contributions to spaces I inhabit.
If we define masculine and feminine as ‘energies,’ then I think we can agree that all humans, regardless of gender, possess both. They manifest in infinite combinations depending on myriad factors. Both energies serve us, and their healthy integration elevates our relationships and effectiveness exponentially, compared to when they are imbalanced.
In the graphic above, add ‘dominating,’ ‘homophobic,’ and ‘misogynist’, and ‘hyper-‘ to ‘competitive’ on the list of words describing Masculine Imbalance. Consider both men and women who exhibit these traits, yourself included, and the contexts in which they occur. In my residency essay I explicitly stated my awareness of medicine as a male-dominated profession, and that I wanted to avoid exhibiting negative male traits as I navigated my career, while also standing up for my own beliefs and ideas. I also intended not to let my naturally caring and agreeable nature be taken advantage of. Now look at the descriptors of Feminine Imbalance, and think of when/where in your life you observe these traits in yourself and others. If we are honest, I think we can recognize parts of ourselves in all of these words, in certain contexts and relationships.
These traits and their integration are especially important to me in leadership. The best leaders do the inner work to integrate both receptive and assertive, nurturing and directive, caring and accountable, soft and strong aspects of themselves, so they may manifest all of it in cohesive and holistic presence for the benefit of all. These leaders are both attuned (feminine) and differentiated (masculine): They sense the emotions and needs of those they lead and still maintain focus and direction to move us together from the front. For an excellent discussion of an example from fiction, watch Cinema Therapy’s episode, Aragorn vs. Toxic Masculinity. It’s an excellent twenty minutes to spend.
“These forces are complementary and present in all phenomena. In some situations, one force might be more dominant. However, this balance may shift depending on what is needed at the given moment.
“Yin: Yin is characterized as negative, passive, and feminine. It represents the energy of the Earth and moon. It is often described as receptive, dark, cool, soft, still, and contemplative.
“Yang“: Yang is portrayed as positive, active, and masculine. It represents the energy of the sun. It is often described as energetic, expansive, and warm.
“It is important to remember that while the yin and yang (are) opposite of one another, it does not mean they are oppositional or in conflict. Instead, they can be thought of as balancing energies that complement one another.”
Where do our masculine and feminine traits and presence serve us well? Where are they a liability? How is this a function of how we balance (or don’t) the energies we manifest? When I need to stand firm and call BS, I can do it lovingly, from a place of caring–attuned differentiation–balanced masculinity. This is different from and related to differentiated attunement, where I am open and receptive to others while also maintaining my own separate, independent identity–balanced femininity.
Whether we describe these energies, traits, and tendencies as masculine/feminine, yin/yang, or in other terms altogether, my wish is for us all to be more aware of and intentional about the energies we maintain, emit, and absorb from one another. I wish for us to practice Strong Back, Soft Front. May we all Attune and Differentiate. Consider thinking Both AND when presented with any dichotomy. Integrate the polarities, seek the win-win.
I intend to write more about masculine/feminine, male/female dynamic and relationship. It’s so interesting and also fraught; I look forward to the challenge of expressing the nuances and complexities clearly and invitingly. Let’s see how it goes!
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
My dear darling friends, and you know who you are:
Please receive, accept, internalize and integrate the affirmations, admiration, adulation, and love offered in earnest by others. Know and trust wholeheartedly in your complete and total worth, just by virtue of your existence, before anything you think, say, or do. And when we express how wonderful you are for the latter, how you impact and contribute your awesomeness to the world and make all our lives better, take a deep breath, relax a little more into openness, and let it in. Allow the full truth of your value as a member of humanity to seep in and saturate your being.
I know it can be uncomfortable—what is that about, anyway? Social conditioning? Imposter syndrome? Whatever the source of this resistance to being loved and lifted, I’m not sure we need to dissect it much. We can simply practice navigating life and relationships around it, like a shapeshifting, creeping haze that seeks to thwart our full thriving. Maybe we can even think of it as a game, a clever adversary to be parried with childlike agility and joy, like Peter Pan with Captain Hook.
You have told me you understand in your thinking mind that accepting others’ praise is the ‘right’ thing to do, that dismissing it hurts people’s feelings. Thus your conflict and ambivalence create a niggling internal distress: You sense the love, know it’s valid, and want to accept it—to complete that circuit of connection. But something holds you back from opening fully to the reflection of your own light back onto you, your spirit, your soul. You may feel guilty for how your denial, earnest and humble as it may be, makes others feel rejected. Maybe that guilt turns back onto you, as if to say, “See? You make others feel bad, so of course you’re not worthy of praise.” How fascinating, this delusional, circular, self-fulfilling prophecy! How can we break it?
Alton Brown has described hospitality as what I take to be a reciprocal act of connection. Receiving another’s offering is not just about making yourself or them feel good. It’s about strengthening relationships. Offering and accepting connection weaves and tightens our social fabric, moving the needles of words and actions back and forth, over and under, honoring our bonds in vibrant color and dense texture. How wonderful.
What if we all owned our awesomeness and power to connect, uplift, and shine, from within ourselves onto, and in reflection of, one another? What if we all sought first the light in ourselves and others, focused on meeting each other shining that light in front, then refracting in reciprocity out onto the world? Wow, maybe that’s why we’re afraid—it’s a lot of light, like gazing into the sun. But that’s what cool shades are for, no?
So, how can we do this? What practices will make a difference? My nascent ideas:
Breathe deeply and slowly.
Get still.
Recall self-love and self-compassion—its words, images, tactile and visceral sensations, and the people and environments with whom and in which we have felt them deeply and unassailably.
Connect—to those who matter most and uplift us genuinely, those who can sit with our confessions of discomfort and resistance to praise and patiently, lovingly hold the light for us to step into, one toe at a time.
Lift others: Act bravely and joyfully on impulses to acknowledge, validate, admire, praise, and otherwise amplify their light. Any small word or act counts, even the awkward and stuttering ones. People can sense our sincerity and appreciate it. When you shine your light, then feel it fully accepted and radiated back by another in a smile, taller posture, or simply knowing you made their day better, what happens for you? Soak that up; amplify that.
I know many of you know all this already. I know many who practice and model the skills of receiving graciously, openly, humbly, and lovingly, leading us all by example. But we all have moments of self-doubt, or even longer periods of self-disbelief, when we perceive our own light to have dimmed. Perhaps this is precisely when we need to open ourselves to receive the light we have consistently shone on others reflected back on us. Hmmm.
Thank you to the people who inspired this post—creators, carers, artists and just straight up wonderful humans I have the pleasure and privilege to connect with and know. May you all know how much you are loved. When you need reassurance and validation, may you be still and find it within yourselves, and may you reach out early and often to those of us who stand ready to recharge you. Plug into that power grid of connection, participate in that alternating current, so we may all carry the spark of love and relationship that saves us.
We each have a bright and unique light. There is no ‘too much.’ Shine on, my friends.
Healing Through Connection 