Category Archives: mindfulness

Silly Dopey Giddy Mountain Driving

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I’m not drunk, I promise–not on alcohol, anyway–just sheer joy.

“Accelerate through the turn.”

Hugh the genius British boy and I stood chatting in the Brain Bowl teacher’s little office just off the high school library. Looking back, Hugh knew more about physics then, as a 15 year-old, than most of us will know in our lifetimes. But he did not yet know how to drive. He asserted that while driving, one should be able to accelerate through a turn and not have to slow down. I remember this conversation so clearly because it demonstrated to me how for some things (so many, I know now), we just cannot truly know until we do.

Fast forward to my college years. One spring weekend my friends and I had nothing better to do, so we stood in line outside the parking lot at Dyche Stadium, where Ford Motor Company had set up a driving course. We three piled into a bronze sedan with helmets and an instructor, and took turns maneuvering the car through various straights and curves marked with orange cones (think Mythbusters, but without the explosions). My trial was significantly slower, ‘conservative,’ according to the instuctor (stated with a hint of disappointment?), compared to my friends’. I wished for a second chance, for no other reason than to practice again ‘accelerating through the turn.’ Before we started, the one thing I remember hearing was that you can press the gas after you feel the weight transfer. EUREKA! Decelerate on the approach, and when you feel pressure shift to the outside butt cheek, you can gun it! Hugh was right. Centrifugal force and body awareness at work!

Ever since then I have loved driving winding, curvy, hairpin turns. I’m convinced that I’m also a more fuel efficient driver, because I only brake as much as I need to not skid, then speed up more easily from a higher RPM, minimizing momentum loss. I had figured out on my own how to hug the tangent of the inside curve, which allows me to hold the steering wheel smooth and steady throughout a turn, rather than overturning and having to correct over and over. On every bend, I blissfully chase that perfect energy and arc conservation!

Up here in the Rocky Mountains, it’s Hairpin Heaven. And there are bonuses, too: sparse traffic, and friendly drivers who wave! Motoring all through Summit County today, listening to my favorite music, I wore the silliest, dopeyest, most giddy smile–my facial muscles almost cramped, it was so constant–I just could not help myself. I waved at construction workers, pedestrians, other drivers, and they all waved back (except for the young man who did not let me merge–he avoided eye contact–must not be from around here).

It’s my happiest place on earth. I relish every moment–it’s the only place where I’m excited to get up early in the morning, just to spend more waking hours here! So I just had to write about it, document the joy. I sincerely hope you all may enjoy this kind of deep delight wherever you are today!

Dillon Reservoir, from Old Dillon Reservoir Trail
Dillon Reservoir, from Meadow Loop and Ridge Trail
Creek Trail, Buffalo Mountain

Revel Now to Fuel Your Future

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Photo by Brian Gelbach, Minnesota, August 2023

When you get a head cold, do you ever wish you had appreciated better when you could breathe through your nose? 

What do you take for granted, that you’d miss and regret if it disappeared?

Our family had quite a rough patch from about 2018-2022, and this past year things really turned around.  I still have a little post-stress reactivity (a second of dread whenever I get a text or call from the kids), but it’s much better.

Then last week I had another scare, an x-ray showing what looked like a hole in bone—a lucency, as it’s called.  Despite opposite effort, I allowed myself to catastrophize.  Osteosarcoma, I thought—an uncommon and aggressive bone cancer (it would not actually present this way, I realize now, but hey, I was hijacked).  The thought cascade unfolded rapidly: urgent specialist referral and imaging, surgical biopsy, treatment—surgery, radiation, chemotherapy.  Recurring appointments, treatment side effects, and physical, psychological, and relational pain.  I’d have to cancel my vacation this week, find coverage at work (or take a leave again), maybe stop working on the book, and, gasp, stop going to the gym.  Kids’ activities and future would be affected—would they have to move/stay close to home for college?  And the absolute worst-case scenario—death—what would that be like?  Interestingly, this semi-unintentional exercise actually helped me calm down.  It reminded me of when Daughter had an anaphylactic food reaction with the babysitter.  I had to meet them at the Emergency Department without killing myself in a car accident on the way, so to center myself I imagined the worst—her death.  In a moment I realized that though it would be horrible, I would be okay—because I had to, for Son.  I breathed deeply, drove mindfully, and arrived physically and psychologically intact.  We simply do what we must do.

I have faced multiple life-threatening situations at home, in addition to witnessing all manner of death in my work.  Maybe that’s how I can balance my emotional reactions with a more rational response?  I have seen enough times how good can turn to bad on a dime, and it makes me cherish the good while it lasts—really revel in it.

Before I got confirmation that the x-ray last week was, in fact, normal, I had already come to a sense of peace about whatever may come.  I thought to myself, ‘Well, good thing I really soaked up everything awesome about life until now, saturated myself with it and shared the joy as much as I could.’  I found myself with very few regrets, which empowered me to meet uncertainty with calm, confidence, and strength, and not denial or false optimism.

It’s not that I dread the future, expect serial crises, or harbor some kind of victim mentality.  I just understand the unpredictable randomness of life and accept my total lack of control in most situations.  Reveling in the good now protects me when any hard times do come later. I feel deep satisfaction and contentment to remember all that was good before, and that I knew it at the time, truly appreciated it.  That warm, radiant energy feels stored like solid rocket fuel, stable and dense, ready to call forth for emotional and relational thrust when I need it. 

What can you revel in now, that will replenish your existential fuel for the unknown future?

Below are some of my current revels.  May you, readers and friends, feel your own daily delights emerge with light and coherence in these waning days of summer.  May you immerse in the awesomeness and feel it buoy you through whatever life brings.

Shaneiaks meet in person!

With Heather Pressman, Denver, CO
Happily hydrated at 9000 feet, 25% humidity

Alone time in the mountains

Breckenridge, CO
Washi tape card making–first time in many months

Love First

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Try as I might, I still have trouble approaching interactions with certain people feeling love first: Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Drivers who pass without signalling. Rude strangers. Abusive patients. People who repulse me and with whom I am bound in relationship of some kind. Loved ones on my hard days. Instead I feel annoyance and judgment–at them first, then at myself–and then guilt. *sigh*

Thankfully, it’s getting better. The intensity, duration and consequences of the negative emotions and interactions have all diminished over time, and sometimes I can actually avert them altogether. On a good day I ease up on the accelerator, leave more space between me and the car ahead, and utter no profanities–shocking. That’s usually after a good night’s sleep or a great workout, and it’s sunny outside. Somehow, driving has emerged as my barometer for this particular life skill, as if my average road rage quotient represents my overall life equanimity? How fascinating.

Maybe it’s because driving is such a mundane, steady state activity most of the time. How I show up in the car, on the road, is probably a pretty good indication of my real time state of mind. I’m essentially anonymous, and thus un-self-conscious, more ‘free’ to do as I am and as I feel, compared to at work or home where my actions have more tangible consequences on people I care about–that’s an interesting distinction. Because shouldn’t I care about everybody I meet? Don’t all of my fellow humans deserve the same baseline level of respect and dignity?

Why should I work to show up Love First (not a reference to the family intervention book and program) everywhere, with everyone? I think because it’s an easy idea to wrap my head and heart around. ‘Love’ encompasses so much, and the word itself resets me to be my best self. Love First immediately makes me more present, open, empathetic, curious, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. It hit me recently that when I don’t judge, I suffer a lot less. I can accept what’s happening, including how I feel about it, and approach my response more calmly. I am far more able to see multiple perspectives, allow for more than the most cynical explanations of others’ actions. Showing up Love First allows me to be my best self, and walk away from any interaction with the fewest regrets.

Love First allows my initial thoughts in the face of adversity to be open and honest questions, rather than ad hominem. I can de-escalate, defuse, and even disarm (figuratively) a situation or person far more easily in a loving state than in an adversarial one. It’s vulnerable, and not weak. Openness and love are my soft front–I present in possibility for understanding and connection. And I ground myself with confidence in my strong back–I know my boundaries and uphold them with firm conviction. When crossed, relationship either ends or requires renegotiation.

Here’s the best part: I’m able to show up more Love First to others now because I’m better at doing it for myself. When I blurt the driving expletive in the heat of the moment, I can simply say, “how fascinating”, make note of my mental/emotional/physical state, take a deep breath, and reset. I don’t have to judge my own recurring unwanted pattern. I can simply slow down, loosen my grip on the wheel, keep breathing, keep driving. Old habits take time to break, I’m making progress, and that’s what matters. It’s a win-win: compassion toward self translates to compassion toward others.

Next level: Consistent pre-emptive practice, mindshift in advance of interaction, groove Love First as the default rather than the correction. Mastery may take a lifetime, but I’m already well on my way to respectable proficiency. I’m okay with this. Onward.