We are who we are from a very young age. And we evolve throughout our whole lives, becoming even more who we really are, and also very different versions of ourselves.
Tonight I am so grateful to have reconnected with my old classmate and new good friend Jim. We trained together 20+ years ago, and did not know each other well. That did not keep me from having strong opinions and judgements about him. *sigh* Oh, the blind and inflated confidence I have had in the assumptions I make and the stories I tell myself about others–yikes. I cringe, and also try to forgive myself. At 25, my brain was barely formed, and I was doing my best. I hope I did/do not hurt too many people in my youth/middle age and hubris.
I thank my lucky stars for the cosmic fortune of serial interactions with Jim these last few years, initiated through a mutual friend. How often do we get a chance to redo a relationship with so much new potential for mutual respect, uplift, resonance, creativity, innovation, exploration, and personal growth?
ACK, I’m just so excited, this is what makes the world turn for me–connecting, connecting, connecting!!! Who knows what’s coming around the corner–any given interaction could be a new friend, an old new friend, or anything awesome. BRING IT, woohooooooooooo!!!
Angler Mountain Trail, Silverthorne, CO, October 2022
Okay so let’s see if I can make a coherent post out of random nerdy bits!
On the elliptical tonight, listening to Book 12 of Anna Durand’s Hot Scots series, I was so excited to learn about the different types of twilight! Baahahahaaaa, yes, that is what makes open door romance audiobooks so exciting, I’m sure every reader lives for the science dropped here! I can’t remember if that was before or after the hero talked about strapping C4 to his chest during a treasure hunting adventure. I felt gratified and proud that I knew what C4 is, from watching season upon season of Mythbusters. You just never know when something you pick up in one place will come in handy somewhere else. Bet you ten dollars I’ll be telling someone about nautical twilight by this time next week!
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Daughter and I have always stopped to observe dead animals we find on the ground. Our morbid fascination is encouraged by our friend, a biology teacher at her school. An upper classman donated the family dog after it had been euthanized. Daughter spent free time last year dissecting it with friends. Currently it’s a bucket of bones, waiting to be reassembled, Sue-style. So when I found naturally picked-clean deer leg bones (likely a mountain lion kill) on a hike in Colorado last month, I had to bring it back for our friend. I covered it in plastic wrap in my carry on, getting through security without issue. He appreciated it very much, and it made me happy to make him happy in this quirky, nerdy way that we both are.
On Halloween, Daughter came across a freshly expired bird, who likely died from traumatic brain injury by colliding with a window. We found out from Daughter’s friends, who participated in the ornithology events at Science Olympiad (her ‘bird nerd’ friends), that it was a European starling. Its remains now also reside at school. I wonder if they will find skull fractures upon necropsy?
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Husband and I may really be ubernerds who belong together (so Daughter comes by it honestly). We have been known to binge watch Modern Marvels; my favorite episodes are about hand tools (learn how the monkey wrench got its name!), power tools, and fast food tech. We tortured our friend once in med school. She came over for dinner and afterward we two sat deeply enthralled by an engineering show on bridge building; she could not figure out how to leave politely. Weeks later, when we watched a round table discussion between local TV meterologists on the PBS station, we made sure we were alone.
*sigh*
It’s just how we are. Everything is so interesting, it catches our attention and we have to see, feel, explore. You just never know what there is to know unless you slow down and look. And the more we learn, the more we see how everything is connected. The butterfly effect is real, it is fascinating, and I respect it. I stand in awe of it, and it makes me happy.
What would happen if we challenged ourselves for the next day, week, month, rest of our life, in all of our intentions, words, actions, advocacy, and relationships, to both ground in and aspire to, simply these three core experiences? No really, stop laughing. I’m serious, what would that look like? How would it feel? How would we be and do differently?
It occurred to me recently that in life, in (and literally at) the end, what do we really need other than these? What if at the time of my death, I can look back at my work(s), my family, my friends, at everything I remember and leave behind, and really just bask in peace, joy, and love? Sign me up!
I label them experiences rather than emotions on purpose (is there yet a better word, though?). I’m not talking about superficial sensations of calm and happiness that come and go like weather. I’m after that deeply rooted, unassailable knowing–living, in each moment, consciously, in peace, in joy, and in love. It occurs to me that we can practice this; we can actively cultivate it, with each and every breath.
Of course, that’s it. Peace, Joy, and Love don’t just happen. We get to choose them. This is not an original thought or idea. But I have a new level of insight about it now. I can be peacejoylove at any moment. Would I call it a mindfulness practice? Sure. It’s a choice and an intention, a constant attending to both my outer environment and my inner world. It’s about maintaining a certain resonance, a sustained frequency, a rhythm, that keeps its own time, resilient to distraction and derailment, and that also simultaneously adjusts, adapts, and reorganizes as needed. Like a heart beat. I feel more peaceful just typing this.
I will fail. Repeatedly. Severely. But as they say in mindfulness, rather than judge the departure, I can simply, calmly, and lovingly acknowledge it, and then celebrate the return. Because as long as I commit, I will always return. I can keep going, keep doing, keep being.
So then, what would I actually be like if I did this? How could you tell?
I think I would take deeper breaths, and breathe more slowly in general. I might walk more slowly too, except when I bounce and sashay in rhythm to my favorite songs on the sidewalk. I would pause longer before entering clinical encounters, answering phone calls and text messages. I might pray, meditate, and be still more regularly. I might use even more fun emojis? …nah, I think I may have maxed out on that one already.
I already hug tight. I laugh out loud and often. I look people in the eye and tell them why they are great. I make time and go places to see people, be with them, do things that make meaning and memories. I try new things. I revel in all kinds of awesomness, all around me, all the time. I feel peacejoylove often already. But do I live it? Yes, sometimes.
I have triggers. I react. I lash out; I regret. I have a lot of work to do. But I’m on the path.
Healing Through Connection 