Trust Your Worth

Posted on November 17, 2021 by Catherine Cheng, MD

NaBloPoMo 2021: Do Good, Kid

I wonder how this post will land on women, versus men?

Another insight that emerged from my call with friends yesterday involved how we define and acknowledge our worth. Reflecting on the evolution of our lives, my friends and I explored identity, societal metrics of success, and what really matters to us.

One of us has been looking through old family photographs lately, and realizing that raising her family, more than her career, per se, is what affirms that ‘my life has mattered.’ I was just reflecting the other day on how much I seek the approval of certain people at work—how constantly their opinions weigh on my mind—leaders whom I respect, and whose respect I want in return. Why do I care so much what people think of me? The third of us has concluded that the most important meaning we can make in life revolves around deep connection with people.

All three of us are strong, independent, thoughtful, moral women who make positive contributions to society, no question. We all stand firmly in unabashed acknowledgment of our personal worth and existential worthiness. We know in our thinking brains that we are enough. And yet, we all still crave and seek the approval of others, of society. Whether it’s a title, income, or some other metric of status or accomplishment, we cannot help but attend to some implicit code of social standing. Ironically, too, isn’t it a societal expectation that we also ‘shouldn’t need outside affirmation’ for our self-image or –esteem? Fascinating.

We observe men and wonder if they feel at all similarly? Do men ever question or care what others think or where they stand in the group? They must, right? We all do. We three agreed that while we all have a human need for acceptance and belonging, men and women are socialized very differently in how to attain it. In short, men are expected to compete; women to collaborate. In both cases, though, I think we all shine brightest and are rewarded when we bring our whole, integrated selves to participate. The feedback we get from both competing and collaborating serves as our tribal belonging reality check, which is crucial information for relationships and survival. And, we all must do our own inner work. How can I bring my best self unless I know who that is? And how can I know unless I practice some kind of self-awareness?

So as usual, it’s a matter of Both, And: I live by my own strong personal standards of conduct and contribution. I judge for myself whether I do or am enough. And, I benefit from the feedback of those whose judgments and relationships matter to me. I check my work against meaningful external yardsticks and balance those metrics with my own ideals. I believe we can train to hold this existential and relational tension with humble confidence and self-trust. Connection (and collaboration) with amazing friends like mine are an essential part of a successful life training regimen.

Liberate Thyself

Posted on November 16, 2021 by Catherine Cheng, MD

NaBloPoMo 2021: Do Good, Kid

What are the chief operational constraints in your life today? How have they evolved over time?

On a call today with two wonderful friends, it occurred to me (again) that we can choose our suffering in life. A global pandemic with cases and hospitalizations rising across the country in yet another (I’ve lost count) wave; political polarization ever worsening; winter approaching with yet more erratic weather patterns—it did not take long for us to agree that present day is indeed a dark age for humanity. And yet none of us feel hopeless. In fact, we bonded over all the tools at our disposal to suffer less in our lifetimes—mostly tools of inner work, such as Personal Leadership, the Developmental Model of Intercultural Sensitivity, and others.

So often we go through life wishing other people would change. If only they could see the light—that I am right—then my life would be so much easier and better! We search for classes, workshops, and conferences that promise freedom from stress, amazing relationships, and professional advancement—all in 5 easy steps! The dopamine-fueled wildfire of instant gratification sucks dollars from our bank accounts like oxygen from the air, at the prospect of success without work. When we look for others to exert all the effort, we choose the suffering of relinquishing control. Innocently, ignorantly, or in denial, we cede responsibility for our own happiness and meaning to those whom we concurrently deem incompetent, misinformed, or otherwise stupid.

I cannot control what someone else thinks, says or does. But I have ultimate agency in how I respond to anyone and anything around me. I can choose to wallow in victimhood, rage at injustice, and lash out at any unfortunate human who crosses my path on a bad day. I can also choose to shift my perspective by getting curious, asking more questions, and making more generous assumptions about people and their motivations. By choosing the latter, whatever pain or cost I incur belongs to me; I own it, I get to shape it, contain it, exercise it. I empower myself as the principal agent of my own life—I am liberated.

Study… Then Experiment!

Posted on November 15, 2021 by Catherine Cheng, MD

NaBloPoMo 2021: Do Good, Kid

How do we build confidence to try new things?

Sven the sourdough starter is now 13 days old and thriving. Its texture gets silkier with each feed, the rise faster and more reliable, even from discard out of the fridge. Still, I hesitate to try making a real sourdough loaf. I think it’s the sheer labor intensity of it—seriously, it can take 12 to 24 hours start to finish—ya gotta be dedicated in ways that I just am not…yet. It’s also the measuring. Bread recipe ingredients are written in terms of weight rather than volume, and in grams. This requires a kitchen scale, which I do not have and am reticent to purchase. And that’s the last thing—equipment. While it’s possible to make good bread in an open oven, the great stuff comes out of a Dutch oven, which would require yet another investment of money and cabinet space.

So of course, over the past week, I have flouted conventional wisdom and experimented with Sven. I read various discard recipes and attempted some metric weight to English volume math conversions. Eyeballing amounts and substituting random baking pans for a Dutch oven, I made a fantastically dense sourdough brick in the toaster oven, and then a Kalamata olive Frisbee in the big box. So sad! It was really discouraging, especially since I had had such fun with successful quickbreads and onion pancakes recently.

But all I had to do was study a little more. I love the internet! I knew I had a starter:water:flour ratio problem, so found this article that explains the right proportions. The author mentioned Mark Bittman’s piece on a simple, no-knead bread recipe, which includes a handy video, yay! But that recipe used instant yeast. Being committed to using Sven instead, all I had to do was look up how to adapt or substitute yeast recipes to/with sourdough ones—easy peesy! And bonus, now I know the difference between baking soda and baking powder.

Still, I resisted following any recipe. I did not want to commit whole loaf-sized quantities of ingredients, only to make potentially inedible products. My eyeballing better approximated recommended ingredient ratios with the last experiment, and the dough expanded nicely through both proofing periods overnight and this afternoon, though much more laterally than vertically (will study more to figure that one out). I committed and purchased a Dutch oven, rationalizing that it could also be used for other purposes, and followed preheating and baking directions. And voila! I got a little loaf with a beautiful, crackling brown crust, a pleasing aroma, and an internal texture that could arguably be called bread. YAAAAAYY! We opened it while still warm, and the kids and I ate half of it inside five minutes.

Tonight I took the leap of faith and dropped 3 whole cups of flour in the mixing bowl, along with a quarter cup of Sven and the prescribed amount of water and salt in the NYT recipe. While it incubates under the kitchen sink, I will go out again tomorrow and get a digital kitchen scale. *sigh* I know now that for this project, I have to study and imitate before I can improvise. Using the scale will teach me how to eyeball 500 versus 800 grams of flour, and proportionally how much water and starter to use. With repeated practice I can overcome my aversion to getting my hands gooey (hello, spatula), and learn how dough feels, stretches, folds, laminates, etc. After a while, as in so many fields, cumulative experience will found, and then strengthen my intuition. Eventually I bet I won’t need the scale for the methods I use most often.

Then I can embark on the next fun cooking adventure that may require a scale—one never knows… Daughter and I binged the end of season 2 of The Great British Baking Show last night, which we both found quite inspiring… Choux buns, anyone?