Category Archives: politics

Commitment

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Okay friends, last third of the month! How’ ya doin’, bored to tears? I’m having a BLAST! 😀
This is such good training for a daily writing discipline, sitting down with a skeleton plan and only a little flesh, healthy but stringy. Each writing session lifts some weight, sometimes light, sometimes heavy, and over time muscle appears, strengthening some part of a larger body of message. Ooo, maybe I can set a mental vision for the BFHP (book)… acorn to oak tree? Clark Kent boy to teen to Superman? 7th grade to varsity volleyball team? Or ooo, Queen Lenora from Emma Chase’s Royally Series Collection–princess to queen great grandmama… Anyway, motivation and energy to complete the book has persisted and accelerated for about five months now, which is exponentially more than at anytime in the last 8 years. Yay! So, onward, my peeps, 8 more to go and beyond!

How do I commit well already?
–It may take me a long time, but once I decide to do something, I usually follow through. Piano, med school, marriage, parenthood, leadership, blog, and now book. When one commitment conflicts with another (eg leadership vs parenting in 2021), I can usually prioritize pretty easily.
–I have clarity about my commitments. I reconcile them with core values, ethics, goals, relationships, and circumstances.

How could I commit better going forward?
–Focus. I was just thinking today how Husband has very focused and stable interests. Me, I have serial obsessions, often more than one at a time… A victim of FOMO, some might call me. But everything is just so interesting!! So I can essentialize; I’ll have to if I want to get this book written.
–Establish routines. Ethos workouts are now a solid 2-3 sessions per week, on set days and times with flexibility as needed. I have a bedtime alarm set, and Steve West on the Sleepiest app waiting to tell me a story or guide a meditation, so I’m motivated to get to bed, yay! Ooo, I could find set times to indulge in social media…FB and IG limits, here we come, boo hoo. It’s a looooong shot, and probably worth another try…
—Accountability. Posting a writing photo on IG every Sunday and then logging daily activity for the following week in the comments has been fun! I can look at my IG gallery and see the laptop with a different mug each time, and I look forward to reporting. My mugs are meaningful, and now I get to share them. I’m keeping a public log, but it’s not in anybody’s face–so it’s mostly for me and I also know anyone can call me out. I think it could work!

How does society do commitment well?
Honestly having a hard time with this one, my friends. Trying to think of what, exactly, we are committed to, as a collective? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? How does that manifest, for everybody? For every potential value or goal that comes to mind, I can think of some who are committed and others who oppose–or at least apparently so. These days it feels like the only thing we are collectively committed to is being right, proving others wrong, and winning whatever fight engages our attention at the moment.

So maybe we need to scale down the question? What commitments do you and your overlapping cohorts uphold well right now? What are you committed for and/or against? What are your committed objectives, short and long term? Why? At the end of your life, how will you be at peace with your commitments? With society’s?

…Then again, maybe science? Medicine? Social programs? Diplomacy? Justice? Lots of people are committed to these things, which I admire. So maybe I need to reframe–maybe it’s too optimistic to expect, or even wish for, any universally shared collective commitments?

How could we do better together?
But maybe it’s not too optimistic. At the end of the day I sincerely believe we all want the same things for ourselves, and for one another, to varying degrees. Right now it seems like too many people tell the story that the pie is too small, and if someone else gets more then I and mine necessarily get less. That’s an oversimplification, but it’s not wrong–except in premise–humans are remarkably creative; we can all get what we need. There have been historical periods of shared collective commitment, such as World War II and post-911 (somewhat). The Civil War and 1960s, and now, feel like epitome periods of division.

25% of the way through The Fourth Turning by William Strauss and Neil Howe, written in 1997, I actually feel better about the future of humanity than I did last week. I’ve been thinking that we are all now headed straight to our inevitable collective demise, but these authors posit that every Unraveling/Crisis period feels like that, and we always come out of it into a High and then an Awakening, in recurring cycles about every 80-100 years:

“First comes a High, a period of confident expansion. Next comes an Awakening, a time of spiritual exploration and rebellion. Then comes an Unraveling, in which individualism triumphs over crumbling institutions. Last comes a Crisis—the Fourth Turning—when society passes through a great and perilous gate in history.
“Strauss and Howe base this vision on a provocative theory of American history. The authors look back five hundred years and uncover a distinct pattern: Modern history moves in cycles, each one lasting about the length of a long human life, each composed of four twenty-year eras—or “turnings”—that comprise history’s seasonal rhythm of growth, maturation, entropy, and rebirth. Illustrating this cycle through a brilliant analysis of the post–World War II period, The Fourth Turning offers bold predictions about how all of us can prepare, individually and collectively, for this rendezvous with destiny.”

I withhold judgment on the authors’ conclusions so far, but their thesis seems plausible…

In the end, I suppose we each/all must decide what goals, activities, etc. are worth our precious time, energy, and resources, both individually and collectively. I have no illusions of actual world peace. I’d just like a little less hard core, mindless, violent, local and global conflict, maybe in my lifetime? So: What commitments can we each and all make, in our nested and overlapping cohorts and communities, to get closer to that?

Judgment

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How do you feel about judgment? When/what are you most likely to judge quickly and negatively? Do you notice when this happens? Is it okay? How does it affect your mood, conversations, and relationships? How does your judgment help you and those you love? When does the judgment of others hurt you? How do you think we could all do it better?

How do I do judgment well already?
–I make evaluative judgments a lot less often now than in the past. For instance when I dislike an outfit, I say it’s not for me rather than call it outright ugly. I keep my individual, subjective opinions as such, rather than declaring them mindlessly as universal objective truths.
–Similarly about people, I identify behaviors and actions separately from people themselves. A kind person can do unkind things; an honest person may sometimes tell a lie. When I witness one unkind or untrue thing, that does not necessarily define the person’s whole character. At my best, observing a nonvirtuous action by someone I know to be virtuous prompts me to check in with them and see if they are okay.
–I can withhold judgment a long time; I tolerate uncertainty and stay open for any interaction or relationship to evolve toward connection, even if it starts out far from it. I attend conscientiously to my lack of complete information to minimize misjudging, which too often leads to hurting people and damaging relationships.

How could I do better?
–Once I make a negative evaluative judgment about a person, group, or institution, I let that bias lead thereafter. In many cases I can keep the door to changing my mind open at least a crack, but I know which doors are shut and locked today. I could open my mind to the possibility that people and organizations can change; I could unlock those doors.
–I can mitigate my meta-judgment. I value open-mindedness and curiosity and loathe narrow-mindedness and knee-jerk early closure. Thus, I judge others’ (and my own) judgment acutely and strongly in the negative. Funny how this makes me exactly what I hate. Working on it–with mindfulness, self-compassion, forgiveness, accountability, and perspective taking… This is my work.

How does society do judgment well today?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy. More and more, DBT integrates into mainstream talk therapy, and some places are even incorporating DBT skills into school curriculum. DBT teaches us to distinguish between evaluative and discriminating judgments:
–Evaluative: “stating something as a whole and objectively. It is taking the facts of a situation and adding personal preferences, values, and opinions to make it an objective truth. This type of judgment is ineffective because others may view the same situation differently, whether it is marginally different or completely different.”
–Discriminating: “reflect personal preferences and subjective opinions. They are considered judgments that are effective in terms of not projecting one’s perception as a complete conclusion.”
The more this distinction enters general consciousness and awareness, the less our differences and disagreements may escalate into outright opposition and hatred.

How can we all do better?

Stop reinforcing click-bait, incendiary soundbites, oversimplification, and overgeneralization. Before forming and rendering an opinion on anything:
–Ask whether an opinion or position is even necessary–is it worth the time, energy, and resources?
–Vet the information: How reliable is the source? What is their motivation?
–Look for contrary examples of an initial judgment; evaluate honestly the merits of both/all sides of a debate
–Commit to disengaging from information sources–including people–that/who incite, amplify, and perpetuate hair-trigger judgment

BREATHE. Take time. Most things are not an emergency, and additional information is readily available. This is the harder, longer, more complicated path, this slowing and elevation of judgment. And certainly some situations require immediate decision and action. But knee-jerk is too often our collective default judgment setting, and we need better balance.

Make more generous assumptions, at least initially. I would rather regret being too kind than not kind enough. The proverb that people rise or descend to our expectations of them is at least partially true. Since we all make evaluative judgments anyway, why not show up to people in a way that invites–calls–their best selves forth? We can sense one another’s judgments, verbalized and overtly expressed or not. Body language and tone of voice reveal us. So let us be less judgmental, so that we can seem so, also. It’s the honest thing to do.

I really enjoyed thinking about this topic tonight. It reminds me how easily we can fall into oversimplified, dichotomous thinking (and judgment, HA!) about judgment–that it’s all bad and we should eliminate it altogether, or that it’s always necessary in all situations lest we don’t know what we think about anything. Maybe we can think of judgment as a tool, a skill–something we can exercise mindfully to help us make sense and meaning, both individually and collectively. At its best, judgment provides clarity, direction, and connection. At its worst, it polarizes, instigates, and leads to violence. We can each and all do our part to bend the long, human, moral arc toward the former.

Polarity Management

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Yes, AND.

This is the central tenet of polarity management. It’s about holding divergent and apparently opposing ideas or positions at the same time, understanding that their relationship is actually complementary and mutually strengthening rather than perpetually conflicting. Masculine/feminine, individual/collective, conservative/progressive, strong/soft, diplomacy/candor, top down/bottom up–what else? Can we frame any two antagonistic ideas in an infinity polarity loop of inextricable relationship? I say yes. Because it puts us into novel perspectives, prompting a mindshift into possibility, creativity, and connection.

I am waiting on permission to use a seminal image from Polarity Partnerships, the organization founded around the idea that in any polar dichotomy, there is a dynamic flow and balance between the advantages and disadvantages of focusing energy and action on either pole. When we can maximize the benefits and minimize the costs of each pole, then leadership and organizations thrive. It’s much easier to show than tell; fingers crossed I’m allowed to share the image; check out their homepage and you will see what I mean.

13 November 2023: Here it is!

Polarity MapÂŽ is a registered trademark of Barry Johnson & Polarity Partnerships, LLC. Commercial use encouraged with permission.

How do I already manage polarities well?
–Since I learned the concept during leadership training in 2019, I now think easily in complementary polarities. I was primed c.2000 when my residency classmate introduced me to “Yes, AND”. She took an improv class and invited me to play a game in the workroom. Thanks, Carol! Now whenever I feel an initial resistance or opposition to something, I look for the juxta(op)position that gives that two-sided coin perspective.
–Polarity management and trade-offs feel related to me. I think in terms of the latter more and more, also since 2019, when I read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. At the end of an elderly life, there is often tension between independence (goal of the elderly) and safety (goal of their family), and a peaceful end of life usually means compromises on both sides. Increasingly as I counsel patients on habit change, I acknowledge that trade offs will be necessary, and only they can define and decide which are and are not worth making, based on their values and goals. I find that approaching behavior in this way eliminates judgment, and also opens the door for flexibility and evolution without (or with less) regret. It is simply flow and growth.
–I definitely parent better from an integrated polarity perspective. Mostly it’s about letting go and hanging on, advising and commanding, that delicate and heavy handed balance. I tend toward a laissez faire parenting style, which risks the kids feeling neglected if I lean too far into my default. I’m getting better at seeing the pitfalls, and I still have some work to do.

How could I manage polarities better?
–Some people in my life prioritize their values and goals very differently from me. I sometimes sit in rigid judgment of this, dismissing their perspective as inferior in some way. I can do better at recognizing the benefits of having these people around to balance and bend my hard biases.
–I will look for strong polarity integration around me and call it out/forth. I will reinforce and amplify it. I will do my part to make both/and thinking, speaking, and leading visible, and move it into mainstream mindset.

How do we already manage polarities well as a society?

We don’t.

How could we do it better?

Where do you see successful, collective, Yes, AND in action?
I can think of two organizations that walk the talk.

Polarity Partnerships.
“In today’s world of increasing interdependency and complexity, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND both/and thinking to address your most strategic challenges and opportunities. The research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Polarities well outperform those that don’t. Discover how to leverage your most strategic Polarities (AKA paradox, wicked problems, chronic tensions, dilemmas, etc.) to become more innovative, agile, profitable and competitive immediately and over time.”

Braver Angels.
“Our mission: Bring Americans together to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.”
“We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
“We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
“We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
“We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
“We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
“We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
“We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
“In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently.”

Every once in a while I read an article that does it well–not only describing two poles but explaining why each is/both are necessary and good relative to the other, and the importance of balance and flow between them. It’s pretty rare.

For practical application and guidance, I highly recommend Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis.

Like so many life practices I consider this month, polarity management and navigation is transformational and liberating. I had not realized it so starkly until now. When I get out of either/or, “Yes, BUT,” and “You suck,” accept what is and look for mutually complementary balancing points, new and useful insights almost always follow. My way out of conflict emerges faster and more clearly, and my relationships get stronger along the way. Very cool.