Category Archives: politics

Soothe Thyself. Then Get Going.

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Attune. Attend. Assess. Adjust. Then Activate and Advocate. Always Adapt.

Turns out I’ve been stress eating for the past six weeks or so. I only noticed a few days ago. I’m past the point of berating or judging myself for it, and I also marvel at how stress can manifest so overtly and insidiously at the same time.

What have been your sub/unconscious signs of stress lately? What would those who know and love you say?

My other current signs are lack of motivation to work out at home and a constant urge to write Jar Smiles. That last one is new, and its impulse strong. I tell the story that the nature and level of my current stress is such that only connection with others, however I can get it, can soothe me. So if I want to get back on the elliptical at home, I should probably schedule calls with friends at that time!

It’s been a rough few weeks for us Blue voters. I wonder who among Red voters feels, or even sees our distress? Every time I talk to my Red voting friends I understand better that we live in wildly divergent information universes. I wish to slowly bridge that gap with high quality primary sources and reporting, shared by and with me. This will take time, patience, openness, and true humility.

I see people advocating in the usual way–with overtly adversarial attitude and tactics. Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? Isn’t it time to reconsider our processes and methods? I am no longer interested in protests or writing postcards. I understand their place in activism, but for me they feel neither soothing nor productive. I think all of our jobs now are to self-soothe and advocate effectively. Venting to members of our own tribes can be cathartic and healing. I listened to friends do this for the better part of an hour this past week. We shared stories, concerns, fears, hopes, and support. I was so gratified to not hear ad hominem attacks on any other humans; only anguish over what is and struggle to figure out what to do.

So we must self-soothe. I don’t recommend stress eating, though the foods I eat under stress now are healthier than in the past. I think writing jar smiles is good, as long as I don’t procrastinate necessary tasks too much to write them (how many loads of laundry need folding, again?). Certainly if I’m lashing out at people, self-harming, or otherwise behaving in high-risk or destructive ways as I seek comfort, that is maladaptive. I hope I would have people around me to both support and hold me accountable for my attitudes and actions, and their consequences.

Once I have de-escalated and regained some equilibrium, once I feel stable and grounded in my values and have clarity on both what needs to happen and how I can contribute, I can then direct my energies and actions mindfully, intentionally, effectively, and in concert with others rather than counter to or in competition.

A dear friend asked today for books on ‘reframing arguments/persuasion.’ I answered:
“-Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and William Ury
–I Never Thought of It That Way, Mónica Guzmán
–High Conflict, Amanda Ripley
–Think Again, Adam Grant
–Why We’re Polarized, Ezra Klein
“It’s about understanding first, explaining second, converting only incidentally, if at all.
So much easier said than done, especially when feeling stressed and threatened.
Still worth the effort in the long run, if we can muster it, and easier the more we practice/train.
Happy to discuss anytime!!”

That last part continues to resonate and give me hope–discuss and take time–repeatedly and in earnest. Healing Through Connection.

I have just causes to advance: women’s health, a stronger and more reliable healthcare system in general, and above all, healthier relationships between humans in any and all contexts. These are infinite games which will outlast my lifetime. If any of us plans to make a meaningful contribution to our respective just causes, then our job is to stay fit enough to continue playing. We must adapt our strategies and execution to conditions and players as they evolve and emerge. We can commit to our Why and be flexible with the Hows and the Whats, as Simon Sinek says.

I think I may have successfully reset a bit this weekend. I connected with friends and family, made good food, and did my first 8am conditioning workout at Ethos in a month. The little love notes hit their marks, I am told. The stress eating awareness already diminishes the impulse; my agency has re-emerged and my nutrition rudder restablized.

All of our highest self-care and relationship skills are called forth now and for the foreseeable future, my friends.
I have confidence that we can meet this challenge if we walk together, no matter how we voted, in humility, generosity, kindness, and collaboration.

Time Under Tension: A Fitness Model for Training Political Discourse

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Learn. Practice. Train.

To get better at anything, we must be willing to tolerate the discomfort of being bad at it–for a while. And the reward has to be worth the effort.

What reward will make it worth the effort for us to tolerate the discomfort of political discourse, in order to get better at it?
What other uncomfortable training can we compare it to?

“Agonist Supersets! The focus of this block is adding more intensity + time under tension to a specific muscle group. Lower body in A series, upper body in B series for TBS (total body strength) days. Two movments focusing on the same muscle group back to back. First movement more focused on neural engagement and higher movement complexity, the second movement for increased TUT and hypertrophy!”
–Ethos Training Systems, February 2025

Rear foot elevated split squat. 20# each hand. 6 reps x 4 sets.
Tempo: 2 count down, pause 1, up 1, repeat.

To pause for one second at the bottom of a rear foot elevated split squat can be uncomfortable. The longer I hold tension with the glute of the forward leg extended in that position, the more challenging it is to stand back up, especially by the 24th repetition. But the rewards are a stronger posterior chain, a more stable core, and confidence and ease getting up and down from the floor as I age.

Since there are only six reps per set in this block, I can lift heavier weights. I think this is the first time I have done this movement with 20 pounds in each hand. And the program builds in longer rest periods after heavy load sets. Consistent and disciplined repetition for neural pathway learning and muscle hypertrophy–I get better each time I train.

I so wish more of us would take this attitude toward our political conversations–see it as personal training to get better at it. What do I mean by ‘better’? I do not mean better at criticizing and shaming people who voted differently. I do not mean amplifying derisive words and ad hominem attacks on public figures. I do not mean aggressively debating ideology and attempting to convince someone their values and ideals are ‘wrongheaded’ or otherwise invalid.

By ‘get better’ at political discourse I mean asking more open and curious questions, listening to understand rather than to rebut, reject, or demean. I mean challenging our own convictions for consistency and integrity. I mean engaging in earnest, in the spirit of critical collaboration, to find common ground in shared goals, where we can stand and work together to make our systems better. Policies born from this laborious process last, rather than getting overturned from one administration to the next. It requires leaders as well as citizens to withstand the discomfort of disagreement and clash of ideology. It demands patience, diplomacy, professionalism, self-awareness, self-regulation, humility, honesty, and mutual respect.

Who looks at this list of requirements and thinks, “Sure, no problem, I’m very comfortable with that, sign me up.” More often I suspect a reaction along the lines of, “Are you kidding me? Like anybody (on the other side) will show up that way to me? Why would I bother doing it for them?”

And therein lies our impasse. Who will go first? Only those who can tolerate the discomfort–of vulnerability, uncertainty, and humility–with confidence. It will be those who have trained.

Time under tension: It builds muscle strength and stability, improves load tolerance, and allows us to lift heavy things with grace. We have to get in the gym, grip the weights, and submit ourselves to the struggle. And we have to do it consistently, with discipline. We must take time to rest and recover, between sets and sessions alike. We need coaches to monitor and correct form and position. And it always helps to have our friends doing it with us and cheering us on.

If we don’t feel like it and don’t do it, then muscles atrophy and risk of injury increases when weekend warrior mindset overtakes us. A healthcare system can get overburdened by people who fall and fracture hips due to frailty from lack of physical training. A society’s political system can be similarly overburdened, and thus vulnerable to nefarious actors, by a citizenry that fails at political discourse due to frailty in conversational exchange of ideas and difference of opinion.

So how do we train? Thankfully there are more and more resources to help us. My suggestions:

  1. Start within our own group. Find people willing to put down the ad hominem approach, who are willing to look at what we say and do with a critical eye, looking at it from ‘the opposition’s’ point of view, and seeing how our messages may be counterproductive.
  2. With these peers, practice engaging with ideas you disagree with. Role play the ‘other side.’ Research objective evidence that supports that point of view–avoid that group’s ad hominem attacks also; look for evidence that they also understand our point of view.
  3. Attend a Braver Angels workshop or event. Learn and practice the skills we need to engage calmly, openly, and with respect and curiosity in front.
  4. Follow groups like Builders and A Common America to see who among our elected officials, and those who might run, already practices non-adversarial discourse. Amplify them on your social media and to your peers.
  5. Finally, seek out people who voted differently from you, whom you respect and whose relationship you value. Get vulnerable. Tell them you want to get better at talking politics, that you want to connect more than divide our country. Be prepared for an incredulous and dismissive reaction. Decide how and whether you will persist. Comment here if you want a pep talk, I’m good at giving those! And then if they agree, practice all of the above and below with them! Go for it!

In any conversation, aim to ask questions at least twice as often as you make statements. This is an uncomfortable, challenging, humbling, and extremely effective way to get better at engaging anyone in conversation. But they can’t just be any questions. The best questions–the ones that make us pause, resist our canned and offhand responses–are open and honest–see tips below. And the intention must be earnest–the goal must be to connect and understand, never to one-up or ‘win’.

Time under tension in political discourse builds the muscles of engagement. It improves our tolerance of intra- and interpersonal discomfort. It gives us the ability to think in curious rather than adversarial ways. It makes us stronger citizens, neighbors, friends, and family members who can withstand disagreement and conflict with resilience.

I’m considering how I will spend my time, energy, and resources this year. Work will be busier. Daughter will launch to college. I will continue to write. And now I hear the call of advocacy getting louder. I have a few ideas about the whats and hows; the Why remains steadfast: to foster the healthiest relationships among all whose lives I touch.

Exciting times, friends! Scary for so many, I know.

How will we all help?

https://healingcircleslangley.org/2016/10/asking-open-honest-questions/

On Personal Activism

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Strong back, soft front.
Am I doing enough?
Am I enough?

Once again I find myself alarmed and agitated, wondering how we got here. One week in and it feels exponentially worse than last time. Some would argue that all politicians are equally nefarious and selfish, equally devoid of character. I suppose that is possible, but I just don’t think so. Jimmy Carter, George HW Bush, and Barack Obama stand out to me as role models, men of character and integrity. Not so the person in office now.

Executive acts this past week have served what I believe to be their intended purpose, stoking unrest and outrage, churning anxiety, division, alienation, and escalating susceptibility to fear and rage-based behavior, inclulding violence. I believe some of the most sweeping acts will be successfully challenged and modified, if not stalled, but at what cost to the system? What of the workers who suddenly lost their jobs? What of the scientific and medical researchers whose funding may not exist anymore, and the patients whose very survival or mortality may hang on that funding? And all while real and present problems loom at impasse after impasse because our elected officials refuse to negotiate like mature, reasonable adults? How did we get here? How did we choose these people to ‘lead’ us? End rant.

How will our daily lives feel the impact of this administration? I wonder how racism, misogyny, and dehumanization will cascade again en masse from the precedents that this POTUS sets? He validates, encourages, and exemplifies the most derisive of human behavior and relationship.
How did we get here?

Once again I find myself asking, “What can I do, I’m just one person?” Somehow this week, treating people all along the political spectrum with respect, asking open and honest questions, holding the benefit of the doubt, resisting outrage in favor of calm and curious exploration of diverse perspectives, and withholding judgment just don’t feel like enough. And yet there is so much to advocate for, so much to resist, so much happening every day, it’s overwhelming. Where would I even start? And I think that’s the point, right? Submission by way of learned helplessness.

I had the good fortune of two incredibly insightful and enlightening conversations this weekend. I was invited to articulate my Why, my purpose, and explore my Whats. I talk to people. I write. My favorite and most effective forum is one on one, and I also do well speaking to large, live, interactive audiences. I am an integrator of ideas, an innate mediator, a ‘boundary spanner.’ Normally that feels exceptional and more than enough, I realize as I write this. But today it feels small, inconsequential, puny.
But maybe that is not the sensation to heed.

Connection across difference is exactly what we need right now, all of us, elected leaders and all. We have lost this capacity and skill at a collective level, it seems. So if I can retain it, then it’s actually a big deal. If I can exemplify and amplify it, be the connection and do it every chance I get (which is any given human encounter), then I am making a difference. Me, one of seven billion.

What if I could modify, even a little, the mindset and behavior of just two people in their encounters with people who disagree? And each of them two more? What if each of my Braver Angels friends could do the same? What if even a fraction of Mónica Guzmán‘s readers also had this impact? That’s exponential growth–a movement–of connection across difference.

Ok I feel better now. DIY pep talk via blogging! I can keep doing what I’m doing. Talking, writing, Healing Through Connection is my domain, literally and figuratively. Abortion, equity work, gender policy, healthcare, and intellectual freedom are all issues I care deeply about. I can find ways to support initiatives and leaders in those spaces ad hoc. But my own work, my personal activism, lies principally in person to person relationship, which applies in all other domains more than most people realize. I can raise that awareness and help folks acquire and hone those intra- and interpersonal skills that may, one day, steer us toward electing legislators who also practice successfully. Meanwhile, we could heal friendships and family ties wounded by political divergence. How hopeful.

So, dear reader, what is your brand of personal activism?