Category Archives: politics

Holding Belonging

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Everybody wants to both belong and stand out. The skillset for success here is attuning and differentiating at the same time.

In elections, and in 2024 especially, I perceive voting by many as rejection of the party that rejects us–that makes us feel like we don’t belong. Let us take a moment to let that idea sink in. At first it may seem irrelevant or even childish–and if we recognize it in ourselves, maybe we cannot imagine how ‘the other side’ could possibly feel the same, since they are the ones rejecting? But let’s get still and try to imagine how that could be? Within and among our layers of relationship–personal, professional, cultural–that feeling of rejection and being left out/behind is visceral and profoundly threatening, even when abstract. People feel it on both sides of this election, no question, and that feeling is also profoundly human. It’s vulnerable, raw, existential, and feels for many to be quite literally, not figuratively, life-threatening. If we can bridge even a little understanding around this fundamental and paradoxically shared experience, then we may actually get traction on healing our divides.

This idea of belonging as it relates to politics occurred to me early this month and faded; something calls me to post it tonight. Looking back, I actually already wrote a version, “Attune and Differentiate,” back in February 2020:

“…I listened again to Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness.  I highly recommend this book to help us all, conservatives and progressives alike, to engage (not avoid) one another this election year with a lot more compassion, civility, and mutual respect.  Throughout the book Sister Brené shares personal stories as well as evidence from her research that define true belonging, which I think of as another expression for self-actualization and self-transcendence.  In her words:

“True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being a part of something, and standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism.

“Attune and differentiate:  these two practices are not only not mutually exclusive, they are essential and integral for whole person and societal health and well-being.  Read the book to adopt her four practices to advance true belonging, for yourself and for all of us:

  1. People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
  2. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
  3. Hold Hands. With Strangers.
  4. Strong Back. Soft Front.  Wild Heart.”

What makes us exclude others?

Once again I’m convinced it’s fear–likely many fears at the same time, all threatening our sense of safety and security. It relates to identity and values, which inform ideology, which manifests in tribes.

I wrote in November 2017:

“…I’m thinking tonight about tribal pride and tribalism—the benefits and risks of belonging.

“We all need our tribes.  Belonging is an essential human need. To fit in, feel understood and accepted, secure—these are necessary for whole person health.  And when our tribes have purpose beyond survival, provide meaning greater than simple self-preservation, our membership feels that much more valuable to us.  But what happens when tribes pit themselves against one another?  How are we all harmed when we veer from ‘We’re great!’ toward ‘They suck’?”

Clearly, many of us have spoken and written about this for years now. And though the movement to bridge divisions grows, we also quite clearly have not kept up. *sigh*
And it’s okay. Human relationships, tribal and otherwise, are an infinite game of fluid context, evolving technology and interaction, and chronic recurrent conflict. I have no illusions of ‘world peace’ in any abstract sense. I think all we can realistically work for now is a return to civility–but not the kind that ignores or erases difference and disagreement. Rather, I want a more thougthful, intentional, and respectfully engaging civility, one that emanates from mutual recognition of our shared core humanity–every. single. one of us.

We all belong to one another, like it, want it, know it or not.

In the first post of this month, Holding Wholeness, I wrote, “…any leader–man, woman, or otherwise–must own all parts of themselves to lead to their full potential. The strong and the soft, the masculine and the feminine, the committed and the flexible, the differentiated and the attuned–these polar and balancing aspects of our nature make us whole humans. People who live in their wholeness lead by example, by inspiration, by resonance with the wholeness of those they lead. They are leaders because we are moved to follow them; we feel their integrity and want it, aspire to it for ourselves.”

I had not planned to reference attunement and differentiation as bookends to this month of reflective posts–each day’s topic emerged in real time. And of course the same ideas recur, right? The ethos of this blog is consistent, if nothing else.

If we want to heal our divisions, I submit that we start with healing ourselves. We all/each have our own inner work to get to true wholeness, true and deep belonging to ourselves first, as Brené Brown writes. There is no interconnection without intraconnection standing right alongside, if not walking ahead. This requires humility, curiosity, and psychological safety, which fosters courage. I feel so impatient, so I can practice self-regulation. We all have our work.

I Hold Belonging for Us tonight. Whether or not we recognize, accept, or embrace it, we all share this need. How fascinating the metamorphosis of its expression and manifestation at the personal and local versus the government and policy levels, no? OH there is so much more to explore here. For now, though, I just Hold it. Belonging. What if we each take a few minutes, a few times, in the next several weeks and months, just contemplating the idea, encouraging ourselves to include as many people in our intersecting tribes as possible? It reminds me of loving kindness meditation–emanating belonging from our inner circles out to all of humanity. It costs energy and risks ego. The rewards of understanding and connection, in my strident opinion, far outweigh the costs and risks.

Holding Accountability

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How will we show up to one another this Thursday in the US?

We’ve been here before. I wrote a post during NaBloPoMo 2016 in advance of Thanksgiving, citing resources to help us be more empathetic and open minded. This year feels more fraught compared to then, no? How are we feeling? What do we anticipate? What do we dread? How are we preparing?

Here’s a hard truth: How we show up to any encounter absolutely impacts, if not determines, the outcome of that interaction. Anger, disdain, resentment, derision and the like, even if veiled, seep past our verbal platitudes through posture, facial expression, and energy. So what do we do? Denying our emotions does not help.

I suggest we do these things:

First, let us acknowledge and accept our complex emotions about politics and their current impact on our relationships. Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture–Tara Brach’s practice bears repeating here. This self-awareness and -regulation practice can help de-escalate the hard feelings and walk us back from the ledge of hijack and lashing out at the off-hand comments of both well- and ill-meaning conversation counterparts. Emotions point us to our values, alert us to threats and connections. Let us remember that this is true for all of us, and we feel differently about things based on myriad factors. Curiosity, if we can manage it, could open important doors of understanding this holiday.

Second, let us maintain the most generous assumptions about the people we gather with this holiday. What ties us together? What do we admire about each other? How do we hold one another up? We can cast our relationship strengths in front and step together onto that raft of mutual respect and shared humanity to carry us over any emotional waves that surge before us. Prevention is the best treatment, right? Can we hold love, connection, appreciation, esteem, empathy, and good humor along with our hard feelings? If we can widen our psychological container for all of our complex emotions, thoughts, confusion, and conflict–intra- as well as interpersonal–then we can more likely keep the tension down… Or at least tolerate it better.

Third, please, let us own our shit. Know our limits and honor them. Some of us just won’t want to engage in any difficult or tense conversations this holiday; this boundary can be honored. We should understand and acknowledge the consequences of non-engagement, however, and know that we choose it. For those of us who choose engagement, let us tread respectfully, soberly, kindly, and calmly. When/if agitation overtakes us, when we devolve toward our less favorite selves, let us stop talking and breathe. Prolonged exhalation, time out, step back. Reset. Then, if needed, muster the sincere apology. When we value our relationships, we strive to not hurt each other with sharp and flippant remarks. When we hurt someone anyway, we say sorry and mean it. “Yeah but s/he/they said….” does not absolve us adults of our responsibility to self-regulate.

We can do this, friends. It’s a hard time for many of us right now, and we can support one another through it, no matter which way we lean or how we voted. If we can own our words and behaviors, especially when impact skews from intention, we can save our relationships from unnecessary rupture. The more fraught our interactions, the more apologies will be necessary. Let us summon the humility and grace to ask for and grant forgiveness.

I Hold Accountability for Us. When we own our shit, no more and no less, and hold one another to equal standards of shit owning, kindly, humbly, and respectfully, then we will really move toward reweaving our frayed social fabric.

Holding Strengths

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What’s already good? How can we protect and strengthen that?
What could be better? How will we make it so?

I centered NaBloPoMo 2023 on these questions and set all 30 prompts/topics in advance. The idea was to take an Appreciative Inquiry approach to habit change at both the personal and collective levels. I wanted to shift focus from threats, failures, deficiencies, and shadow to people, places, and practices that thrive, uplift, and inspire. How could this mindset help us all in our current state?

From the Center for Appreciative Inquiry:

WHAT IS APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY?
Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is an energizing and inclusive process that fosters creativity through the art of positive inquiry. It builds new skills in individuals and groups, develops new leaders, encourages a culture of inquiry, and helps create shared vision and purpose by building on an organization’s core values and strengths. Perhaps, most importantly, are the outcomes that emerge during the process which provoke action, inspire commitment, and lead to results.

WHY APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY WORKS
Building upon the framework of positive psychology and human sciences, Appreciative Inquiry builds self-awareness and emotional intelligence to shift our focus, attention, and energy into exploration into opportunities and possibilities. AI does not focus on changing people, rather it invites individuals to engage in building a future they want to live in.

Appreciative Inquiry’s assumption is simple: Every human system has something that works right–things that give it life when it is vital, effective, and successful.

What I like about this approach to problem solving is the concreteness. Asking what already works, what’s not wrong or broken, requires practical, operational answers. It forces us to think and talk objectively about what is, rather than cogitate, theorize, and catastrophize about what could be. It starts from a place of strength and looks to build; it’s about what we’re for more than and before what we are against, so we can dream and design what could be instead.

At first I imagine applying this method to policy and systems collaboration. That would be great, but I don’t see it happening; people are still too negative, polarized, and adversarial for that, at least on large scales. I bet there are small organizations and groups where this strengths based approach to change actually already happens. I’d love to see more of them highlighted in the media.

For now, I think some of us may be ready and willing to apply appreciative inquiry to our existing relationships. I imagine a Blue friend and a Red friend, both wishing to connect across their differences and get closer. Both harbor curiosity about the other, even if it’s repressed. Each senses an intuitive possibility for deeper connection, and also feels stymied at how to achieve it. What if they started by considering the strengths of their relationship? Maybe those include honesty, non-judgment, good humor, and shared experiences. What if they imagined and envisioned together what an even stronger friendship would look, sound, and feel like? I get goosebumps envisioning those conversations.

What other domains of relationship would benefit from this approach to disagreement, challenge, conflict, and growth? I can think of at least a few in my life–she writes sheepishly–hello, walk the talk much? How fascinating! And here I thought this post would be boring and bland–HA!

I Hold Strengths for Us tonight, my friends: Strengths in relationship, in connection, in bond and union. Our relationships save us. I am convicted to this assertion, and I firmly believe it’s our strong relationships, especially across difference and disagreement, that will save our republic.