Quid Pro Quo

Photo by Barbara Stahlhut, Silver Plume, CO June 2023

Not good enough.

Transactions alone do not meaningful relationship make. Rather, mutual:

Respect.
Loyalty.
Understanding.
Honesty.
Accountability.
Values-driven goals.

I will not ask you to do anything that I know violates your character.

I will defend you in rooms where others assail you behind your back, even if it costs me.

That is the necessary reciprocity.

This is real relationship and connection, worthy of our time, energy, and resources.

Love First

Try as I might, I still have trouble approaching interactions with certain people feeling love first: Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Drivers who pass without signalling. Rude strangers. Abusive patients. People who repulse me and with whom I am bound in relationship of some kind. Loved ones on my hard days. Instead I feel annoyance and judgment–at them first, then at myself–and then guilt. *sigh*

Thankfully, it’s getting better. The intensity, duration and consequences of the negative emotions and interactions have all diminished over time, and sometimes I can actually avert them altogether. On a good day I ease up on the accelerator, leave more space between me and the car ahead, and utter no profanities–shocking. That’s usually after a good night’s sleep or a great workout, and it’s sunny outside. Somehow, driving has emerged as my barometer for this particular life skill, as if my average road rage quotient represents my overall life equanimity? How fascinating.

Maybe it’s because driving is such a mundane, steady state activity most of the time. How I show up in the car, on the road, is probably a pretty good indication of my real time state of mind. I’m essentially anonymous, and thus un-self-conscious, more ‘free’ to do as I am and as I feel, compared to at work or home where my actions have more tangible consequences on people I care about–that’s an interesting distinction. Because shouldn’t I care about everybody I meet? Don’t all of my fellow humans deserve the same baseline level of respect and dignity?

Why should I work to show up Love First (not a reference to the family intervention book and program) everywhere, with everyone? I think because it’s an easy idea to wrap my head and heart around. ‘Love’ encompasses so much, and the word itself resets me to be my best self. Love First immediately makes me more present, open, empathetic, curious, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. It hit me recently that when I don’t judge, I suffer a lot less. I can accept what’s happening, including how I feel about it, and approach my response more calmly. I am far more able to see multiple perspectives, allow for more than the most cynical explanations of others’ actions. Showing up Love First allows me to be my best self, and walk away from any interaction with the fewest regrets.

Love First allows my initial thoughts in the face of adversity to be open and honest questions, rather than ad hominem. I can de-escalate, defuse, and even disarm (figuratively) a situation or person far more easily in a loving state than in an adversarial one. It’s vulnerable, and not weak. Openness and love are my soft front–I present in possibility for understanding and connection. And I ground myself with confidence in my strong back–I know my boundaries and uphold them with firm conviction. When crossed, relationship either ends or requires renegotiation.

Here’s the best part: I’m able to show up more Love First to others now because I’m better at doing it for myself. When I blurt the driving expletive in the heat of the moment, I can simply say, “how fascinating”, make note of my mental/emotional/physical state, take a deep breath, and reset. I don’t have to judge my own recurring unwanted pattern. I can simply slow down, loosen my grip on the wheel, keep breathing, keep driving. Old habits take time to break, I’m making progress, and that’s what matters. It’s a win-win: compassion toward self translates to compassion toward others.

Next level: Consistent pre-emptive practice, mindshift in advance of interaction, groove Love First as the default rather than the correction. Mastery may take a lifetime, but I’m already well on my way to respectable proficiency. I’m okay with this. Onward.

Breaking Point

“Dr. Cheng, I feel dizzy.”

We’ll call him Joe. I miss Joe. I met him in his early 60s, a pleasant, dapper, rotund man with a jovial demeanor and well-groomed mustache. He was always on time to his appointments and came with crisp reports on his subjective state of health. Whenever I saw Joe on my clinic schedule, I knew at least that part of my day would be good.

Joe lived a conscientious lifestyle. He paid attention to food and movement, and cultivated relationships that held him up in life. When I think of Joe, I remember feeling unworried about his habits and longevity. So it bugged me that his blood pressure was never well controlled. On maximum doses of four medications, it was consistently 140/90 (ideal is 120/80 or less), and it just would not come down. Luckily for me, his previous doctor had done all of the appropriate work up, including sleep study, kidney imaging, stress testing, etc. Eventually they decided together that this was as good as it would get, and Joe would just focus on doing the healthiest things he could every day and get on with life. I concurred.

So when I got the call months later that he was dizzy, my heart sank. We agreed he would come in that day and we’d figure out next steps. I was prepared to call the emergency department and my cardiology friends to let them know I was sending him over for a cardiac event. But on arrival he didn’t look ill or unwell, just moved a little more slowly. His mood was great, though, maybe even better than usual. I asked him why, what had changed? “I retired!”

His blood pressure was 90/60. He was still taking all four of his blood pressure medications, like the diligent patient that he was.

Back then, in a typical primary care practice seeing a patient every 15 minutes, I did not consistently ask deep questions about people’s work stress and meaning, like I do now. Turns out, Joe had a lot of mental stress at work. He managed it well, though–never lashed out at people, never let it affect his performance. Colleagues threw him a big party and he retired feeling satisfied, looking forward to his next life chapter. And it wasn’t until later that he realized how much his work had cost him in health. Over the next several days, we learned that he only needed a low dose of one medication to keep his blood pressure in the 110/70s. The dizziness went away. I think he was getting ready to go on a cruise. I left the practice soon thereafter, and I don’t know about Joe now. I hope he’s still happy and well.

I remember this story so clearly because until recently, it stood out as unique–that my patient could correlate such a dramatic improvement in a crucial vital sign and a leading risk factor for heart disease to retiring from a stressful job.

Not so unique anymore, though. This year, no fewer than four of my patients have experienced the same thing, but in the opposite direction. Having never had high blood pressure before, they all called me with new symptoms: headache, fatigue, full body tension, and just feeling off. Before calling, they thought to monitor their blood pressure, and all of them reported consistent home readings well above 150/90. And they all knew exactly when it started, all correlated with severe work stress escalation. Adjuvant factors included increased travel, longer work hours on global calls, less time for exercise, and continued business eating. It’s all a downward spiral, for sure, and I submit that the underlying cause, the change that makes four people present suddenly in these six months, is our post-pandemic work environment. While I welcome the increased flexibility and autonomy of a hybrid office model, I’m not sure the net effect is good for us long term. Work-life boundaries have perforated, if they even still exist at all. Given the volume of articles in business periodicals progressing from ‘quiet quitting’ to overt labor force decimation, it’s quite clear to me that we have not invented a kinder, more effective work culture. More and more I hear and feel an ‘us versus them’ gulf growing between workers and leaders–yet another relationship domain affected by polarization. It’s as if the short term, profit driven, make money at any cost prepandemic ethos, suppressed and reassessed (I thought?) during three years of acute obligatory disruption, became an abscess that has now ruptured and resurged–exploding like ‘pus under pressure,’ as we say. Organizations scramble to restore anteCOVID earning and productivity status, still measuring success and achievement with the same metrics as before nature showed us how vulnerable we and all of our systems are. We have learned nothing.

All of these patients are now taking at least one blood pressure medication, pulling hard on their stress management skills, and maybe reassessing whether staying in their current roles is worth the cost to their health and relationships. We connect regularly and I always ask, how much longer can you keep this up? How will you know when enough is enough? What will you do then? I don’t recommend that people quit their jobs–that is not my place. But I ask the important questions, lovingly and bluntly.

What does it cost us indeed, as a society, to be killing our workers this way? When will we recognize that sacrificing people in the short term actually wrecks collective success in the long term? When will our culture value people over profit? I hold leaders accountable for their relational output at work, and I also recognize that they–as we all–are simultaneously agents and victims of our complex adaptive systems. Culture does not change easily.

If I have any hand in it, however, more of us will move closer to challenging and changing the most toxic aspects of business culture, one organization, one team, one person, one interaction at a time.