My Friend Yakini

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November Gratitude Shorts, Day 22 (Late again!)

I give thanks for my friend Yakini.

Yakini ran the home daycare where both of my children spent their first two years. She and her family are our extended family, and boy, are we lucky. Grandma, Yakini, her husband Coffey, and their kids all participated in the care of the babies and toddlers, and all loved them.

In the beginning I called twice a day to check up, because my son had severe food allergies and eczema.  He would wound himself scratching every day after his nap. I had to make mitts that buttoned to his onesie sleeves, that the daycare had to put on and take off every day. One woman who worked at the daycare finally told me, “We take good care of your son.”  I said I know, I just worry. She said, “I know you worry, but you need to get a grip!”

My husband got nervous that the daycare would fire us for my high maintenance nagging. My mouth went dry when Yakini called that night to talk. This is it, I thought, we have to find a new place. But she didn’t fire us. She said she called to validate my behavior. She wanted to know what I needed to be free from worry and trust that my kid would be okay in her care. A sacred contract, she called it. We talked only a few minutes and I never had to check up again. That was over ten years ago.

Since then I have watched Yakini raise her own two children with high expectations, fierce love, and unwavering discipline. She does it all leading by example first. She studies the literature in child development, she knows the science of relationships. And then she puts all that information through her own core values filter, and determines for herself whether the expert opinions apply to her family. And if not, she keeps seeking, stays on the path, follows what she knows to be right, always guided by love first.

She posted a video of President Obama’s 11 ‘blackest moments’ on her Facebook page recently. Yakini and her family are black. And I have always felt her to be a sister. I shared the video and wrote, “Thank you for sharing, Yakini!! I’m not black, have no idea what it means to be black. But I love every one of these moments. I think that means something good.”

I think it simply means that I have had the privilege of knowing an incredible woman from an incredible family, to whom I relate because we share values and ideals about our world. Lucky me.

Facebook Fast, or Coming Home

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November Gratitude Shorts, Day 21 (Late entry)

Thank you, friend Donna.

We had one of our usual soul-feeding brunch meetings on Friday.  I expressed excitement, intensity, diversion, passion, apprehension, exhilaration for all kinds of things, and also concern that in all my ambition to achieve my professional vision, I would neglect my family.  We talked through all the connections between my activities, my values, and the world at large.   You helped me explore my inner world, slow down and examine the concerns that I might otherwise gloss over.  I described my urge to be home, pay attention to the kids, be present.

Conservatively, I probably spend 3+ hours on Facebook, email, or WordPress per day. You suggested I do a social media cleanse–what was it, a week?  A month?  Whoa nelly, let’s not get carried away!  But it caught my attention. I’ve been struggling for a while with FOMO, as David Brooks calls it, or Fear of Missing Out. I scroll through my Facebook feed for articles. I check my WordPress stats to see how many views and visitors, comparing one day to the next. It all diverts my attention from the family, when I’m with them. I’ve tried to implement limits, like no Facebook after 9pm. That lasted maybe a week. It’s become a habit, a compulsion—walk by the phone, pick it up, check this, then that. A multi-day cleanse seemed a bit drastic. But maybe a fast? Just try, we said. No pressure. See if I can go 24 hours without checking Facebook, Twitter, or WordPress, and look at email minimally. We agreed I would try Saturday—today is as good a time as any.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I feel liberated and reassured. Turns out I can live without Facebook for a day, and I don’t dissolve into cold sweats and tremors. I meant to post my November Gratitude Shorts on time, but I let up on myself for those, too. I knew I’d get them done. It’s not the end of the world if my daily posts are a little delayed.

I spent time with the family. We watched a movie together, decorated the Christmas tree, and had some good friends over for a potsticker party. I didn’t miss out on anything, and all is well. I still may not be ready for a week-long cleanse, but I can definitely make fasting a regular practice. As I continue to pursue my professional mission(s), I can use social media as a source of ideas and information, and I can also put it down and engage in person with those around me.

Thank you, friend Donna, for the invitation.

 

Superhero Exploration!

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November Gratitude Shorts, Day 20 (Late entry)

Man of Steel, Ironman, Thor, Avengers, Captain America, Mission Impossible, Jason Bourne, Hallelujah!

In the last several years my preferred movie genre has shifted from romantic comedies to superhero action flicks. I’m not exactly sure why, though I suspect it has something to do with letting go childish wishes of happily ever after and embracing a more, shall we say, assertive form of entertainment.

The story follows a similar arc, regardless of the movie. We meet the heroes, then follow along as some colossal menace emerges that only they can fight.  In at least one scene they narrowly avert some mortal threat at the last millisecond.  No matter how desperate and hopeless the situation, no matter how fast my heart races and I tremble and fret, in the end the heroes win and all is saved…until next time—tune in next summer!

I learned recently about three types of stress:

  1. Threat stress: This is what we generally mean when we say ‘stress.’ It’s the fight, flight, or freeze response, when we sense a threat to survival, or we appraise that we lack the resources to cope with our circumstances. It’s mediated by cortisol.
  2. Challenge stress: We face a challenge that we feel at least somewhat qualified to tackle but it will be hard, test our limits. If we’re lucky, it’s something we care deeply about and we rise to the occasion—I’m thinking this could lead to a state of flow. This stress results in increases in DHEA and testosterone.
  3. Tend and befriend stress: This is empathy. We see a friend in need and we respond with compassion and love. We feel connected through their struggle. Oxytocin rises here. [Addendum, 04/26/16: This is an incorrect interpretation of the tend and befriend response.  Read my updated understanding here.]

This is intriguing to me, and I will study more about this construct in the very near future. I have experienced a fair amount of the latter two recently, and I’m positively exhausted.  So here is what I have learned: Not all stress is bad.  But even good stress costs energy, and we need to recover from it.

So maybe this is why superhero action films appeal to me? The heroes experience a call to adventure.  They, and we, wonder if they are up to the challenge.  They are tested, sometimes to their very limits.  In the end they prevail.  Maybe watching these movies vicariously feeds my challenge stress hunger, helps me believe that I, too, can rise to the occasion of my challenges in life?  None of the heroes do it alone, they all have at least one loyal partner who believes in them and their cause—the partners tend and befriend them—they have connection.  We all need help to get where we need to go.  The true superheroes know this well.