Tag Archives: Ethos Training Systems

Commitment

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Okay friends, last third of the month! How’ ya doin’, bored to tears? I’m having a BLAST! 😀
This is such good training for a daily writing discipline, sitting down with a skeleton plan and only a little flesh, healthy but stringy. Each writing session lifts some weight, sometimes light, sometimes heavy, and over time muscle appears, strengthening some part of a larger body of message. Ooo, maybe I can set a mental vision for the BFHP (book)… acorn to oak tree? Clark Kent boy to teen to Superman? 7th grade to varsity volleyball team? Or ooo, Queen Lenora from Emma Chase’s Royally Series Collection–princess to queen great grandmama… Anyway, motivation and energy to complete the book has persisted and accelerated for about five months now, which is exponentially more than at anytime in the last 8 years. Yay! So, onward, my peeps, 8 more to go and beyond!

How do I commit well already?
–It may take me a long time, but once I decide to do something, I usually follow through. Piano, med school, marriage, parenthood, leadership, blog, and now book. When one commitment conflicts with another (eg leadership vs parenting in 2021), I can usually prioritize pretty easily.
–I have clarity about my commitments. I reconcile them with core values, ethics, goals, relationships, and circumstances.

How could I commit better going forward?
–Focus. I was just thinking today how Husband has very focused and stable interests. Me, I have serial obsessions, often more than one at a time… A victim of FOMO, some might call me. But everything is just so interesting!! So I can essentialize; I’ll have to if I want to get this book written.
–Establish routines. Ethos workouts are now a solid 2-3 sessions per week, on set days and times with flexibility as needed. I have a bedtime alarm set, and Steve West on the Sleepiest app waiting to tell me a story or guide a meditation, so I’m motivated to get to bed, yay! Ooo, I could find set times to indulge in social media…FB and IG limits, here we come, boo hoo. It’s a looooong shot, and probably worth another try…
—Accountability. Posting a writing photo on IG every Sunday and then logging daily activity for the following week in the comments has been fun! I can look at my IG gallery and see the laptop with a different mug each time, and I look forward to reporting. My mugs are meaningful, and now I get to share them. I’m keeping a public log, but it’s not in anybody’s face–so it’s mostly for me and I also know anyone can call me out. I think it could work!

How does society do commitment well?
Honestly having a hard time with this one, my friends. Trying to think of what, exactly, we are committed to, as a collective? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? How does that manifest, for everybody? For every potential value or goal that comes to mind, I can think of some who are committed and others who oppose–or at least apparently so. These days it feels like the only thing we are collectively committed to is being right, proving others wrong, and winning whatever fight engages our attention at the moment.

So maybe we need to scale down the question? What commitments do you and your overlapping cohorts uphold well right now? What are you committed for and/or against? What are your committed objectives, short and long term? Why? At the end of your life, how will you be at peace with your commitments? With society’s?

…Then again, maybe science? Medicine? Social programs? Diplomacy? Justice? Lots of people are committed to these things, which I admire. So maybe I need to reframe–maybe it’s too optimistic to expect, or even wish for, any universally shared collective commitments?

How could we do better together?
But maybe it’s not too optimistic. At the end of the day I sincerely believe we all want the same things for ourselves, and for one another, to varying degrees. Right now it seems like too many people tell the story that the pie is too small, and if someone else gets more then I and mine necessarily get less. That’s an oversimplification, but it’s not wrong–except in premise–humans are remarkably creative; we can all get what we need. There have been historical periods of shared collective commitment, such as World War II and post-911 (somewhat). The Civil War and 1960s, and now, feel like epitome periods of division.

25% of the way through The Fourth Turning by William Strauss and Neil Howe, written in 1997, I actually feel better about the future of humanity than I did last week. I’ve been thinking that we are all now headed straight to our inevitable collective demise, but these authors posit that every Unraveling/Crisis period feels like that, and we always come out of it into a High and then an Awakening, in recurring cycles about every 80-100 years:

“First comes a High, a period of confident expansion. Next comes an Awakening, a time of spiritual exploration and rebellion. Then comes an Unraveling, in which individualism triumphs over crumbling institutions. Last comes a Crisis—the Fourth Turning—when society passes through a great and perilous gate in history.
“Strauss and Howe base this vision on a provocative theory of American history. The authors look back five hundred years and uncover a distinct pattern: Modern history moves in cycles, each one lasting about the length of a long human life, each composed of four twenty-year eras—or “turnings”—that comprise history’s seasonal rhythm of growth, maturation, entropy, and rebirth. Illustrating this cycle through a brilliant analysis of the post–World War II period, The Fourth Turning offers bold predictions about how all of us can prepare, individually and collectively, for this rendezvous with destiny.”

I withhold judgment on the authors’ conclusions so far, but their thesis seems plausible…

In the end, I suppose we each/all must decide what goals, activities, etc. are worth our precious time, energy, and resources, both individually and collectively. I have no illusions of actual world peace. I’d just like a little less hard core, mindless, violent, local and global conflict, maybe in my lifetime? So: What commitments can we each and all make, in our nested and overlapping cohorts and communities, to get closer to that?

Sometimes It’s Blueberries

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Habit change is a lot more complicated than knowing better and then doing better. Because our behaviors are not fundamentally driven by what we know.

“I know what I should do, I just don’t do it.” What is the subtext when patients reply thusly, after I ask about their health habits? It feels defensive and a little ashamed, maybe? They don’t want to talk about it. Not surprising. Our culture pressures us to be perfect: eat organic and plant-based, do CrossFit five days a week, sleep 8 hours, keep up with current events and render strong, articulate opinions, post photos from joyous family gatherings, etc., etc. You name it, and there will be someone telling you you “should” be doing it, and not so subtly implying that you are somehow inadequate if you don’t. As if it’s all so easy.

I think this insight gives us all an opportunity to reflect on what’s actually easy. Sleep happens to be easy for me–I rarely suffer from insomnia (I just don’t spend enough hours in bed, night owl that I am). Some people are natural exercisers, others naturally prefer healthy foods. Some never feel stymied by negative emotions. Some are naturally thin and athletic; others of us are more thick and round. It does not help when we also love all kinds of food, and eat for reasons other hunger (stress, boredom, environmental cues, etc., etc., omg). I have spent the better part of my life judging and criticizing myself for my weight, even though other than pregnancy, it’s been normal–just not thin. Recently I finally understood just how obsessed I have been with policing my own eating. *sigh* What a sad waste of energy and joy.

Healthy eating has never been naturally easy for me. I am a food hedonist. Everything tastes good, I have an incredibly elastic stomach and zero sensitivities or restrictions, and I commune with loved ones around food often. I’m working on sensing hunger and satiety better, balancing starch with fiber, and choosing healthier proteins. I eat less dessert now (maybe?), and I don’t keep ice cream in the house anymore. And still, I struggle and obsess daily.

But a couple months ago healthy eating suddenly became much easier, to my utter shock an awe. Sitting at Ethos after a challenging and empowering total body strength class, I watched Tim popping blueberries like M&Ms out of a pint container. As if it had never crossed my mind before, I realized that I could do that, too. It sounds so silly, right? But I have always had a mindset that berries are too expensive to eat so frivolously. I’d buy them to add to salads or for baking–spread a pint out over many servings and people. To eat a whole pint by myself felt greedy and selfish. But in that moment, my insidious and limiting assumption simply evaporated. It felt random and cosmic at the same time. And since then, I kid you not, an unconscious and involuntary (though wholly welcome and celebrated) transformation has taken place. I feel completely sated with less food. I just don’t crave snacks at night anymore. I feel averse to heavy sauces, large portions, sugary drinks, even ice cream. I revel in a light salad and lean protein, and I don’t feel deprived whatsoever. [Ahem, I still love bread (sheepish grin).] It’s totally irrational, visceral, and not at all because of anything I tried intentionally–at least not directly. How fascinating!

“You cannot reason someone out of a notion they did not reason themselves into.”

So, bottom line: Sometimes behavior change just comes when it comes. We can still nudge and trudge, and stay open to all that may help–lay the groundwork. I think everything I have learned, tried, and failed until now was valuable, just not necessarily effective, given whatever context when I tried it. And the longer I live, the more I believe lasting, sustainable behavior change cannot be forced. Not by guilt, shame, or sometimes even reason. Maybe by peer pressure, but only the kind founded on true belonging and a strong, uplifting sense of community. Or maybe not until it really matters at a core value level, and/or it’s extrinsically easy? Or until our inner nature simply knows it’s the path to take now? Our bodies are built for survival, not modern Western aesthetics. Our cultures and social norms don’t always align with that. We are so judgmental, and there is growing evidence that the psychological harm from that actually keeps us from making the changes we so desperately desire.

Am I totally happy with my weight and my body today? Not really. And, I practice every day to appreciate it more. I’m getting stronger since joining the gym. I’m eating in ways I will regret less in the future. I’m working on getting to bed earlier (not tonight, apparently). And I continue to learn and apply everything I can about relationship, leadership, and all things that make me a better person.

So, ONWARD, my friends. We’re all doing our best here. Let’s all give ourselves and one another a little more grace and understanding, ya? And who knows when we may each have our blueberry moments–may yours catch you joyfully!

One Perfect Day

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“What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?”

Some of you may recognize this as one of “36 Questions That Lead to Love,” a popular and oft-cited article by Daniel Jones in the New York Times in 2015, based on Arthur Aron’s study published in 1997. I could never generate a plausible answer, thinking superficially. And every time I read the article, I think of Nigel Marsh’s description of his ideal day–see 4:50 of his 2011 TED Talk. Basically he spends quality time with family, works about 6 hours, hangs out with friends, exercises, and has sex four times.

Coming across the question again in You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy yesterday, I realized how close to perfect my day off was this week. Here’s how it went, with brackets inserted that would have made it truly ideal:

Wake up after 7 hours of sleep, in a fantastic mood, giddily looking forward to the day.
Move through morning routine easily, no rush or urgency.
Talk to Mei on the way to school, discussing her musings on anything that comes to mind.
Eat a light and tasty breakfast, sweet and salty, carb and protein, and coffee–oh yes, pour over coffee, nice and slow.
Consume a book and/or articles: on audio, digital, and/or print, romance and/or other, in the kitchen and car.

Ethos class! Challenged, educated, strengthened, and energized through coaching and community. I am now quoted on their social media:

Lunch with Dear Friend #1, communing over gorgeous salad, an Arnold Palmer, and shared ideals of leadership, friendship, and inner work.
[Find squishy armchair in a bookstore coffee shop, where I journal my reflections from lunch, reveling in the time and space to meet my friend and feed my soul.]

Browse bookstore, purchase artistic yet understated journal for Dear Friend #2, because everybody deserves pretty paper to write on.
Run into Dear Friend #3 on the way to meet DF2, reconnecting after many months and checking in–yay!
Walk and talk with DF2 [on wooded trails of Summit County–or] near Lake Michigan, stopping to photograph beauty that catches our eyes.
We discuss culture and relational leadership, exchange perspectives, and brainstorm ways to help systems and their people flourish.

[Find a shady bench, near spring blooms and urban wildlife, to sit and journal again, recording ideas, plans, aspirations, BHAGs.]

Pick up Mei from school, she’s energized more than stressed.
Pull fresh ingredients from fridge, audiobook or Agape music in the ears while chopping and stir frying.
Have a light and easy dinner, somebody else cleans up.
Mill around enjoying the house and its memories [it’s clean and neat, all plants watered and thriving].
Complete a relaxed night time routine, including pleasant smelling skin treatments.
More writing [and reading] in bed, all leftover words effused [and/or absorbed] for the day.
Lights out, burrowed in the covers, some intimate connection, sated in all 5 reciprocal domains of health.
Still high the next day and beyond, absolutely buoyed.

So what makes this day so perfect? What makes me so unreasonably and residually happy from it?
The ingredients:
Time
Autonomy
Good sleep
Movement
Communion with people I care about and who care about me
Good food
Alternating rhythm between activity and rest; among input, processing, and output
Nature, especially sunlight
Social, emotional, and intellectual connection, both intra- and inter-.

Would I want to live this day every day? I think not, even if it were possible… Although I could easily imagine repeating it a few times over a languid vacation.

When I cannot/will not get a whole day like this at a time, how can I incorporate something perfect into each day? This question excites me with potential. It wouldn’t take much of any/each of the ingredients above, in any combination, to make any day a little more ideal. Some advance planning, mindfulness, and real time gratitude could go a long, long way. By this time next year, regardless of what’s happening around me that I cannot control, my life in general—all days—could be a lot closer to perfect, even more excellent, than they already are.