Tag Archives: Tribal Leadership David Logan

Holding Belonging

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Everybody wants to both belong and stand out. The skillset for success here is attuning and differentiating at the same time.

In elections, and in 2024 especially, I perceive voting by many as rejection of the party that rejects us–that makes us feel like we don’t belong. Let us take a moment to let that idea sink in. At first it may seem irrelevant or even childish–and if we recognize it in ourselves, maybe we cannot imagine how ‘the other side’ could possibly feel the same, since they are the ones rejecting? But let’s get still and try to imagine how that could be? Within and among our layers of relationship–personal, professional, cultural–that feeling of rejection and being left out/behind is visceral and profoundly threatening, even when abstract. People feel it on both sides of this election, no question, and that feeling is also profoundly human. It’s vulnerable, raw, existential, and feels for many to be quite literally, not figuratively, life-threatening. If we can bridge even a little understanding around this fundamental and paradoxically shared experience, then we may actually get traction on healing our divides.

This idea of belonging as it relates to politics occurred to me early this month and faded; something calls me to post it tonight. Looking back, I actually already wrote a version, “Attune and Differentiate,” back in February 2020:

“…I listened again to Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness.  I highly recommend this book to help us all, conservatives and progressives alike, to engage (not avoid) one another this election year with a lot more compassion, civility, and mutual respect.  Throughout the book Sister Brené shares personal stories as well as evidence from her research that define true belonging, which I think of as another expression for self-actualization and self-transcendence.  In her words:

“True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being a part of something, and standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism.

“Attune and differentiate:  these two practices are not only not mutually exclusive, they are essential and integral for whole person and societal health and well-being.  Read the book to adopt her four practices to advance true belonging, for yourself and for all of us:

  1. People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
  2. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
  3. Hold Hands. With Strangers.
  4. Strong Back. Soft Front.  Wild Heart.”

What makes us exclude others?

Once again I’m convinced it’s fear–likely many fears at the same time, all threatening our sense of safety and security. It relates to identity and values, which inform ideology, which manifests in tribes.

I wrote in November 2017:

“…I’m thinking tonight about tribal pride and tribalism—the benefits and risks of belonging.

“We all need our tribes.  Belonging is an essential human need. To fit in, feel understood and accepted, secure—these are necessary for whole person health.  And when our tribes have purpose beyond survival, provide meaning greater than simple self-preservation, our membership feels that much more valuable to us.  But what happens when tribes pit themselves against one another?  How are we all harmed when we veer from ‘We’re great!’ toward ‘They suck’?”

Clearly, many of us have spoken and written about this for years now. And though the movement to bridge divisions grows, we also quite clearly have not kept up. *sigh*
And it’s okay. Human relationships, tribal and otherwise, are an infinite game of fluid context, evolving technology and interaction, and chronic recurrent conflict. I have no illusions of ‘world peace’ in any abstract sense. I think all we can realistically work for now is a return to civility–but not the kind that ignores or erases difference and disagreement. Rather, I want a more thougthful, intentional, and respectfully engaging civility, one that emanates from mutual recognition of our shared core humanity–every. single. one of us.

We all belong to one another, like it, want it, know it or not.

In the first post of this month, Holding Wholeness, I wrote, “…any leader–man, woman, or otherwise–must own all parts of themselves to lead to their full potential. The strong and the soft, the masculine and the feminine, the committed and the flexible, the differentiated and the attuned–these polar and balancing aspects of our nature make us whole humans. People who live in their wholeness lead by example, by inspiration, by resonance with the wholeness of those they lead. They are leaders because we are moved to follow them; we feel their integrity and want it, aspire to it for ourselves.”

I had not planned to reference attunement and differentiation as bookends to this month of reflective posts–each day’s topic emerged in real time. And of course the same ideas recur, right? The ethos of this blog is consistent, if nothing else.

If we want to heal our divisions, I submit that we start with healing ourselves. We all/each have our own inner work to get to true wholeness, true and deep belonging to ourselves first, as Brené Brown writes. There is no interconnection without intraconnection standing right alongside, if not walking ahead. This requires humility, curiosity, and psychological safety, which fosters courage. I feel so impatient, so I can practice self-regulation. We all have our work.

I Hold Belonging for Us tonight. Whether or not we recognize, accept, or embrace it, we all share this need. How fascinating the metamorphosis of its expression and manifestation at the personal and local versus the government and policy levels, no? OH there is so much more to explore here. For now, though, I just Hold it. Belonging. What if we each take a few minutes, a few times, in the next several weeks and months, just contemplating the idea, encouraging ourselves to include as many people in our intersecting tribes as possible? It reminds me of loving kindness meditation–emanating belonging from our inner circles out to all of humanity. It costs energy and risks ego. The rewards of understanding and connection, in my strident opinion, far outweigh the costs and risks.

Perspective

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“Tribe.”

What is your perspective on this word? I’m feeling a little defensive tonight, and also holding mind space to consider different perspectives, while clarifying my own in the process. I have used the word to describe my ‘found family,’ people with whom I share a deeply meaningful bond, my innermost circle and closest confidants. Including unpublished drafts, a search of ‘tribe‘ on this blog yields 105 posts.

Recently I have heard that using the word ‘tribe’ could be offensive to Native Americans. My initial reaction is divergent. Yes, I can see why. And, really? Does this group hold the exclusive right to use this word to describe something meaningful to them? Is its use in other contexts offensive to all indigenous people? Has it always been?

Four sources of perspective:

On the etymology of the word ‘tribe’: “In the Biblical sense, which was the original one in English, the Latin word translates Greek phyle “race or tribe of men, body of men united by ties of blood and descent, a clan” (see phylo-). Extension to modern ethnic groups or races of people is from 1590s, specifically “a division of a barbarous race of people, usually distinguishable in some way from their congeners, united into a community under a recognized head or chief” [Century Dictionary], but colloquially of any aggregate of individuals of a kind. also from mid-13c.“

“What is a Tribe?” “True, “tribe” is a troublesome word, bearing the weight of decades of anthropological study that privileged Western civilization over all other traditions. But let us rescue it here, pare it down to its simplest meaning, as a name for the first human communities that formed beyond the primal bonds of kinship — the beginnings of the great experiment we call society, which taught us to be human.”

“A teen recently told me that using the phrase “find your tribe” or using the word “tribe” is offensive to Native Americans.” “For Indigenous people, tribal identity is important. So when non-Native people say “find your tribe” or “tribe” to describe groups of shared interest, it is offensive because it erases the significance of Tribal sovereignty, identity, and people. Instead, we can use words like: group, crew, friends, or circle.”

Tribal Leadership, Dave Logan et al. From a sociological point of view, using the word as a reseach group defines it academically: “The success of a company depends on its tribes. The strength of its tribes is determined by the tribal culture, and a thriving corporate culture can only be established by an effective tribal leader.” This book has influenced my perspective on leadership and culture very deeply, hence my reluctance to stop using the word altogether.

How do I do perspective well already?
–My perspective taking skills are strong. This has to do with empathy, attunement, effective question formation and expression, and active listening. I have trained to be slow to judgment and opposition. I can engage with openness, calm, and patience.
–I understand that my Asian-American cis-het-monogamous-married woman physician parent identity gives me a certain perspective that is not shared by everyone I meet. I try to remember this, especially when I engage with people whose identities do not overlap much with mine.

How could I do it better?
–It’s easy to feel confident and competent about my skills when I only practice in easy situations. I can look for situations and practice when it’s hard–really train my openness and curiosity. I don’t mean to pick fights with people, rather simply attune to divergent opinions and perspectives around me, and choose more mindfully to engage with that divergence, even if it’s only in my own head.
–Also do it out loud, or in writing. Tonight’s post was prompted by my Facebook post and its comments. I plan not to engage in a complex exchange on social media, and this post will not be my last writing on perspective.

How does society to perspective well already?

Information. This is a tricky one. We can basically find ardent examples of and support for any perspective we want on the internet. So on one hand, it’s really easy to find a diversity of perspectives to explore, process, and deepen understanding and connection. On the other hand….

Groups who lead by example. See the November 9 post on polarity management; organizations like Polarity Partnerships, Braver Angels, and the Aspen Institute all have programs to help us open our minds to broader perspective taking, more effective communication, and better relationships.

How could we do better?

Long form: Conversations and reading. My friend, intending to be helpful, dropped the link for the third perspective piece above as a comment on my Facebook post tonight. There was no accompanying writing or explanation. So far there has been a brief exchange in which she suggests that since the word may be offensive to some people, I should avoid using it (in the context of my post). It made me think more, but rather than engage there, I decided to write out my thoughts here. I’m grateful to her for prompting me to search and read more. Depending on the topic and participants, social media may not be the best place to exchange perspectives, but we can always use it ourselves as a springboard for our own inner and outer work. That work, in my opinion, requires more words, more time, and more real, in person connection.

“Count higher than two”. This article introduced me to David Blankenhorn, co-founder of Braver Angels, a group I admire deeply for its efforts to help people from opposing American political groups de-escalate political discussions. “Sometimes an important phenomenon actually does divide naturally into two and only two parts or sides, between which one all-or-nothing choice must be made. But in most cases, this way of thinking about the world is not only polarizing, it is highly simplistic and leads mainly to pseudo-disagreements as opposed to real ones.” This idea reminds me of the ABC exercise (Adversity-Belief-Consequence), which basically asks us to tell multiple plausible stories to explain adversity to unglue ourselves from our most kneejerk and often dysfunctional assumptions and their subsequent thoughts, words, and actions.

For tonight, I have decided that I can still use the word ‘tribe’ mostly as I have been–with reverence. I am now more aware, however, of the potential drawbacks of using it casually, the impact that may have on people for whom the word has specific and deep meaning. This perspective exercise tonight reminds me to continue practicing mindfulness, respect, and intention in my language. And when I offend someone inadvertently, I can own and correct my ignorance while discerning what’s mine to account for and what’s not.

Here on day 16 of NaBloPoMo 2023, we could choose to see these posts as banal and redundant. I’m feeling more that they mutually reinforce some central tenets of effective relationship, which is my WHY. My net of interconnected practices, their importance, and their mutually upholding properties, strengthens and tightens with each post. My motivation to write it all more coherently and inspiringly in the BFHP also grows daily. AND I’m still gettng to bed on time most nights! HALLELUJAH, FRIENDS!

Ooooo, Leadership tomorrow. Bring it.