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Try as I might, I still have trouble approaching interactions with certain people feeling love first: Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Drivers who pass without signalling. Rude strangers. Abusive patients. People who repulse me and with whom I am bound in relationship of some kind. Loved ones on my hard days. Instead I feel annoyance and judgment–at them first, then at myself–and then guilt. *sigh*
Thankfully, it’s getting better. The intensity, duration and consequences of the negative emotions and interactions have all diminished over time, and sometimes I can actually avert them altogether. On a good day I ease up on the accelerator, leave more space between me and the car ahead, and utter no profanities–shocking. That’s usually after a good night’s sleep or a great workout, and it’s sunny outside. Somehow, driving has emerged as my barometer for this particular life skill, as if my average road rage quotient represents my overall life equanimity? How fascinating.
Maybe it’s because driving is such a mundane, steady state activity most of the time. How I show up in the car, on the road, is probably a pretty good indication of my real time state of mind. I’m essentially anonymous, and thus un-self-conscious, more ‘free’ to do as I am and as I feel, compared to at work or home where my actions have more tangible consequences on people I care about–that’s an interesting distinction. Because shouldn’t I care about everybody I meet? Don’t all of my fellow humans deserve the same baseline level of respect and dignity?
Why should I work to show up Love First (not a reference to the family intervention book and program) everywhere, with everyone? I think because it’s an easy idea to wrap my head and heart around. ‘Love’ encompasses so much, and the word itself resets me to be my best self. Love First immediately makes me more present, open, empathetic, curious, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. It hit me recently that when I don’t judge, I suffer a lot less. I can accept what’s happening, including how I feel about it, and approach my response more calmly. I am far more able to see multiple perspectives, allow for more than the most cynical explanations of others’ actions. Showing up Love First allows me to be my best self, and walk away from any interaction with the fewest regrets.
Love First allows my initial thoughts in the face of adversity to be open and honest questions, rather than ad hominem. I can de-escalate, defuse, and even disarm (figuratively) a situation or person far more easily in a loving state than in an adversarial one. It’s vulnerable, and not weak. Openness and love are my soft front–I present in possibility for understanding and connection. And I ground myself with confidence in my strong back–I know my boundaries and uphold them with firm conviction. When crossed, relationship either ends or requires renegotiation.
Here’s the best part: I’m able to show up more Love First to others now because I’m better at doing it for myself. When I blurt the driving expletive in the heat of the moment, I can simply say, “how fascinating”, make note of my mental/emotional/physical state, take a deep breath, and reset. I don’t have to judge my own recurring unwanted pattern. I can simply slow down, loosen my grip on the wheel, keep breathing, keep driving. Old habits take time to break, I’m making progress, and that’s what matters. It’s a win-win: compassion toward self translates to compassion toward others.
Next level: Consistent pre-emptive practice, mindshift in advance of interaction, groove Love First as the default rather than the correction. Mastery may take a lifetime, but I’m already well on my way to respectable proficiency. I’m okay with this. Onward.