Monthly Archives: November 2024

Holding Rest

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*sigh*

Son home from college. Clinic notes finished for the week. All work messages answered and results reported as of leaving the office tonight. Grocery shopping completed, food prep planned, execution begun.

*sigh*

It’s been a dense month, no? Thank you so much to those who have read along these four weeks–four days to go! 28 daily posts down, the most ambitious and unguarded theme since 2021… I have walked the talk of honesty, vulnerability, and openness, among other things; I’m proud of the effort. The output itself gratifies me, too: In both process and product, I think this could be my best writing yet. Whether or not Book ever gets published, I already have a body of work–659 posts. It’s a substantial volume of original and consistent content that I own–all me, all in, BOOBS OUT.

I still have tasks to accomplish this long weekend, and they will get done. But I want to slow the frenetic pace these last four days of the month, breathe more deeply, be more still. I will bake, watch movies, sit on the sofa. I will write, of course, and it will be that much sweeter with a longer stretch of time each day. I feel muscles loosen even as I imagine it now.

Holidays in general and gatherings in particular can feel chaotic and intese. It all lands on each of us differently. I hope for us all, however we feel about any of it, to find at least some moments of rest and comfort here at the end of the year, and this weekend in particular. Space, time, and breath: May we find that languid expanse that signals relaxation, that neurophysiologic response that drops us to center, as close to contentment and serenity as we can get, even if only for a little while.

*sigh*

Wherever we are, whomever we’re with, whatever is happening around us, may we have the wherewithal to effectively self-soothe. Sometimes it really only takes one deep, slow breath.

I Hold Rest for Us All. We need it. May we seek and secure it reliably.
Reset. Recharge. Ready.
We have much work ahead.

Holding Accountability

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How will we show up to one another this Thursday in the US?

We’ve been here before. I wrote a post during NaBloPoMo 2016 in advance of Thanksgiving, citing resources to help us be more empathetic and open minded. This year feels more fraught compared to then, no? How are we feeling? What do we anticipate? What do we dread? How are we preparing?

Here’s a hard truth: How we show up to any encounter absolutely impacts, if not determines, the outcome of that interaction. Anger, disdain, resentment, derision and the like, even if veiled, seep past our verbal platitudes through posture, facial expression, and energy. So what do we do? Denying our emotions does not help.

I suggest we do these things:

First, let us acknowledge and accept our complex emotions about politics and their current impact on our relationships. Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture–Tara Brach’s practice bears repeating here. This self-awareness and -regulation practice can help de-escalate the hard feelings and walk us back from the ledge of hijack and lashing out at the off-hand comments of both well- and ill-meaning conversation counterparts. Emotions point us to our values, alert us to threats and connections. Let us remember that this is true for all of us, and we feel differently about things based on myriad factors. Curiosity, if we can manage it, could open important doors of understanding this holiday.

Second, let us maintain the most generous assumptions about the people we gather with this holiday. What ties us together? What do we admire about each other? How do we hold one another up? We can cast our relationship strengths in front and step together onto that raft of mutual respect and shared humanity to carry us over any emotional waves that surge before us. Prevention is the best treatment, right? Can we hold love, connection, appreciation, esteem, empathy, and good humor along with our hard feelings? If we can widen our psychological container for all of our complex emotions, thoughts, confusion, and conflict–intra- as well as interpersonal–then we can more likely keep the tension down… Or at least tolerate it better.

Third, please, let us own our shit. Know our limits and honor them. Some of us just won’t want to engage in any difficult or tense conversations this holiday; this boundary can be honored. We should understand and acknowledge the consequences of non-engagement, however, and know that we choose it. For those of us who choose engagement, let us tread respectfully, soberly, kindly, and calmly. When/if agitation overtakes us, when we devolve toward our less favorite selves, let us stop talking and breathe. Prolonged exhalation, time out, step back. Reset. Then, if needed, muster the sincere apology. When we value our relationships, we strive to not hurt each other with sharp and flippant remarks. When we hurt someone anyway, we say sorry and mean it. “Yeah but s/he/they said….” does not absolve us adults of our responsibility to self-regulate.

We can do this, friends. It’s a hard time for many of us right now, and we can support one another through it, no matter which way we lean or how we voted. If we can own our words and behaviors, especially when impact skews from intention, we can save our relationships from unnecessary rupture. The more fraught our interactions, the more apologies will be necessary. Let us summon the humility and grace to ask for and grant forgiveness.

I Hold Accountability for Us. When we own our shit, no more and no less, and hold one another to equal standards of shit owning, kindly, humbly, and respectfully, then we will really move toward reweaving our frayed social fabric.

Holding Strengths

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What’s already good? How can we protect and strengthen that?
What could be better? How will we make it so?

I centered NaBloPoMo 2023 on these questions and set all 30 prompts/topics in advance. The idea was to take an Appreciative Inquiry approach to habit change at both the personal and collective levels. I wanted to shift focus from threats, failures, deficiencies, and shadow to people, places, and practices that thrive, uplift, and inspire. How could this mindset help us all in our current state?

From the Center for Appreciative Inquiry:

WHAT IS APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY?
Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is an energizing and inclusive process that fosters creativity through the art of positive inquiry. It builds new skills in individuals and groups, develops new leaders, encourages a culture of inquiry, and helps create shared vision and purpose by building on an organization’s core values and strengths. Perhaps, most importantly, are the outcomes that emerge during the process which provoke action, inspire commitment, and lead to results.

WHY APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY WORKS
Building upon the framework of positive psychology and human sciences, Appreciative Inquiry builds self-awareness and emotional intelligence to shift our focus, attention, and energy into exploration into opportunities and possibilities. AI does not focus on changing people, rather it invites individuals to engage in building a future they want to live in.

Appreciative Inquiry’s assumption is simple: Every human system has something that works right–things that give it life when it is vital, effective, and successful.

What I like about this approach to problem solving is the concreteness. Asking what already works, what’s not wrong or broken, requires practical, operational answers. It forces us to think and talk objectively about what is, rather than cogitate, theorize, and catastrophize about what could be. It starts from a place of strength and looks to build; it’s about what we’re for more than and before what we are against, so we can dream and design what could be instead.

At first I imagine applying this method to policy and systems collaboration. That would be great, but I don’t see it happening; people are still too negative, polarized, and adversarial for that, at least on large scales. I bet there are small organizations and groups where this strengths based approach to change actually already happens. I’d love to see more of them highlighted in the media.

For now, I think some of us may be ready and willing to apply appreciative inquiry to our existing relationships. I imagine a Blue friend and a Red friend, both wishing to connect across their differences and get closer. Both harbor curiosity about the other, even if it’s repressed. Each senses an intuitive possibility for deeper connection, and also feels stymied at how to achieve it. What if they started by considering the strengths of their relationship? Maybe those include honesty, non-judgment, good humor, and shared experiences. What if they imagined and envisioned together what an even stronger friendship would look, sound, and feel like? I get goosebumps envisioning those conversations.

What other domains of relationship would benefit from this approach to disagreement, challenge, conflict, and growth? I can think of at least a few in my life–she writes sheepishly–hello, walk the talk much? How fascinating! And here I thought this post would be boring and bland–HA!

I Hold Strengths for Us tonight, my friends: Strengths in relationship, in connection, in bond and union. Our relationships save us. I am convicted to this assertion, and I firmly believe it’s our strong relationships, especially across difference and disagreement, that will save our republic.