“What is something you see others doing and you think, ‘I understand completely why they are doing that, but if they knew what I now know, they would do it differently’?”
–From 30 Creative Writing Prompts for Memoir or Non-Fiction
Assumptions.
We all make them. It’s human.
Too often we are wrong.
Because we cannot possibly know what’s in other people’s minds all the time.
We all assume more than we realize or admit that others think, feel, and perceive the way we do.
And when they don’t, there can be serious and painful disconnect.
I see relationships go sideways all the time because we assume without verification.
THUS:
Ask and clarify.
Do it from your own perspective, without judgment.
Be curious and open, and try to stay connected.
METHOD:
- BREATHE.
- Master the “I” statement. Describe how you feel, what you think, when something happens–about the thing that happened or what was said, not about the person who did or said it.
- Stick to the FACTS. “You said xxx,” not “You insulted me.” “Your voice got louder,” ahead of “You yelled at me.” We call it semantics, dismiss it as unimportant, to our detriment.
- BREATHE.
- No name calling, mocking, or other attacking language.
- Give time and space for response. Get comfortable with uncomfortable silence.
- BREATHE.
- Be prepared for defensiveness and attack in return.
- Self-regulate. Keep calm and cool.
- BREATHE.
- Ask Open and Honest Questions in follow-up, if you get that far.
What is an OHQ? “The best definition is that the asker could not possibly anticipate the answer to it.” Curiosity is both friend and teacher here. - Beware all of our self-delusions.
I may ask you why you do something. You may answer honestly (and vice versa)–and in the end very likely we are each/both expressing rationalizations for our own irrational reactions to our world based on all the baggage we bring to the situation. - BREATHE.
Still, when we show up to one another in this way:
Present
Open
Grounded
Kind
Loving
Smart
We are far more likely to work out our differences and disagreements, understand one another better, and come to resolutions faster and with a lot less pain.
RISKS:
–This is an incredibly vulnerable method of communication. Disclosing feelings can feel unsafe–guage your counterpart and adjust accordingly.
–No matter how soft and loving we approach, we may still be met with lashing out and rejection.
–We may be seen, even attacked, as weak and whining, among other things.
–We may not be heard and we may not get what we want. Then again, consider the likelihood of these things if we approach with aggression…Maybe it’s different, but at what cost?
COSTS:
–Energy: Attention and self-regulation. In the impending train wreck of an emotionally charged moment, applying brakes to the quick, cutting comeback and slowing down to really listen to hear the other person takes tremendous effort, sometimes heroic self-control. I find myself pacing my breath just writing this. It is a simultaneous exercise in acute self-de-escalation and critical external attunement.
–Outcomes deferral: This depends on how we define our goals. Transaction without regard to relationship likely does not succeed with this method. But if transactional gain can wait, and relationship connection fosters smoother negotiations in the future, then we may see this communication method as investment rather than cost.
–Lack of appreciation: We may see this communication practice as taking the high road, an attempt to elevate conversation out of drama and ad hominem. And it may come across as anything from aloofness to arrogance, among other things. We must be ready to delay gratification in multiple ways.
BENEFITS:
–Greater relational integrity, connection, and resilience. To come through conflict with fewer wounds and less resentment makes us more likely to enter hard conversations more willingly in the future, thereby avoiding ‘assumption fester’.
–Stronger self-awareness, self-regulation, and attunement and communication skills with repeated practice
–Greater relational depth, meaning, and trust
–Leadership by example: observers learn by watching, see that a different way is not only possible but better.
–A Better World. Open, honest, and timely communication, without judgment and grounded in love and connection above all, sets the stage and plants the seeds for positive relationship ripples that radiate in all directions and dimensions.
My friends, it’s all so much easier said than done.
And nobody does it perfectly.
Perfection is not the goal, or even relevant.
Conversations to clarify assumptions and resolve conflict are not a competition to see who is better or right. They are opportunities to learn, grow, and connect. Done well, relationships evolve to where such hard conversations are needed less and less, because wasteful assumptions are nipped in the bud by the efficient clippers of frequent, open, and honest questions.
Imagine that.
Then do it, yes?
Healing Through Connection 