Category Archives: communication

Holding Space

Posted on by
10

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.“

This quote is most often attributed to Viktor Frankl, psychologist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning. I see it also as a central tenet of stoicism, though I’m not sure stoics would agree. Regardless, this is where I land tonight. Donald Trump has won the presidential election. I hold space for us all tonight, breathing deeply, grounding body, mind, and soul in my deepest core values, life purpose, and the Infinite Game. I know exactly what I’m here to do, and I intend to persevere with clarity and conviction. But tonight is not the time to push my own agenda on anyone.

I write this blog for a general audience, and try to be cognizant of any reader’s political leaning or other identity. Tonight, however, my thoughts are with those who wanted the other result. I see, hear, and feel the pain, fear, despondence, shock, numbness, disbelief, rage, and so much else–so much, so much. For those who are happy with the result, I hope you can also hold space for us. We are in grief. I hope we can self-regulate and not lash out and off-load. And if we do, I hope you can hold space for that too–space for empathy, compassion, grace, and shared humanity. It’s what I would want (indeed admonish) us to do if you were in our shoes.

I hold space for us to RAIN the hard feelings, as Tara Brach teaches–Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture–if we want. I can also simply sit (stand, hunch, squat) with us, hold it all with us, be with us. We don’t have to do anything else right now.

The future is uncertain, no matter how fervently we may believe we know the ending today. What is certain is that we will all have to live it together. How will we be with one another–what will be our response to this most intense stimulus? We can figure that out later; it will emerge and evolve, maybe explode, who knows. We will get there when we get there.

For now, the space. We can settle here a while, be still, breathe. Whatever you feel tonight, I validate it. Whatever you need right now, I hope you have it in spades.

I Hold Space for Us tonight. I breathe my deepest breaths, over and over, with and for us all. I hold arms outstretched, palms up and open. I hold posture upright and supple. I hold mind and heart open. I Hold Space.

Until tomorrow, friends. See you then.

Holding FORtitude

Posted on by
6

Doesn’t it feel like boarding up our windows for an oncoming hurricane?

It’s late. I’m tired. We’re all so tired. We have all done what we can to this point. Whether we have seen it as a fight, a war, a crusade, a mission, a tragedy, a comedy, a farse, an apocalypse or something else, it’s all about to climax–we think. But let’s consider a moment.

Will there be resolution of any kind by the time we go to bed Tuesday night? Very likely not. Even if the election result is clear, the road ahead looms treacherous either way. This is why I have committed to writing with the election in mind for the entire month–we will live in this morass for a long while yet, and we each/all get to decide how we will show up for our fellow citizens and humans. Will we participate in fomenting division and rage, or can we find another way to be and do?

*deep breath*

How will we get through? Can we be:

Mindful Intentional Thoughtful Humane Empathetic Compassionate Kind Generous ?

Tonight I implore us to frame our opinions, goals, aspirations etc around what we are for far ahead of what we are against. Constant rumination and speech around what we don’t want centers and amplifies just that. It keeps us stagnant and limits creativity, innovation, and collaboration. We can reframe “I’m against illegal immigration” into “I’m for justice and rule of law.” “I’m against family separation” can become “I’m for humane and merciful treatment of people fleeing violence.” We are far more likely to find shared values and goals around things we are for–because these are expressions of hope and aspiration. No surprise, we humans share these in common more than we admit in times of conflict. The both/all AND solutions emerge far more readily when we de-escalate from oncoming to coming alongside.

Here’s what I’m FOR:

Leaders of character and integrity

Holding elected officials accountable to their words and actions

Treating my fellow humans with respect, understanding, and kindness, regardless of their political leanings

Holding my fellow humans accountable for their words and behaviors toward me and others; low tolerance for ad hominem attacks and demeaning behavior of any kind

Government that is socially progressive and fiscally responsible and accountable

Patient-physician autonomy in medical decisions, especially women’s reproductive decisions

Non-violent, non-adversarial, mutually respectful political discourse

Transparency about conflicts of interest

Self-awareness, self-regulation, and effective communication at all levels of the electorate and elected/appointed officials

Learn. Practice. Train. Nothing will improve if we continue to cycle/spiral through futile interactions of emotional hijack and refusal to see one another’s points of view. We have so far and long yet to go, and it is up to each/all of us to heal the deep ruptures in our social fabric.

Please, for the love of us all, let us stay engaged. Rest when you must, know your limits, find your niche and make your contribution. Do it as humanely as you can–resist the urge to lash out, to offload your frustrations in hurtful ways. Find what upholds your patience, your forbearance, your steadfast perseverance, your courage–your fortitude–and immerse in these when you can. Look for the humanity in everyone around you, especially in those you may perceive as your ‘enemy’. The real enemies are cynicism, hopelessness, despair, and hatred. They are the hurricane.

The road is so long, so arduous. We trudge it together, like it or not.
Let us help one another onward, leaning and supporting in turn.

I Hold FORtitude for Us, individually and collectively.

Board our windows, and leave the porch lights on.

From Instagram
From Instagram
From Instagram
From Instagram

Holding Fear

Posted on by
6

I submitted my ballot today, November 3, 2024.  The US Presidential Election is two days away.

So many people fear not only the outcome, but the process.  Confidence in election integrity flags severely in recent years, for myriad reasons.  People of any political persuasion suspect their fellow humans of nefarious motivations and acts, both in general and individually.  Trust flickers and wanes like a candle in a hailstorm.

We cannot be reasoned out of our fears.  The more someone tries to convince us that our fears are unfounded, the more our fears escalate, and we get frustrated and often angry on top of that, further inflaming the encounter, risking damage to relationship. 

Emotions are, by nature and definition, irrational.  This does not mean they are unjustified, unhelpful, or unimportant.  Emotions are signals that something important to us is at stake—often relating to our survival, at least as far as our limbic brains are concerned.  Fear is a primal instinct and emotion, conserved over millennia of evolution to keep us alive.  As I described yesterday, fear often sublimates itself into anger, without help from outside forces.  This inner rage can then manifest in ugly words or actions, harming others, our relationships, and ultimately ourselves.

When we see someone on ‘the other side’ acting out like this, of course we feel fear and anger.  Of course we rail at them as horrible people and want justice for their abhorrent actions.  And of course, we see them as representative of everybody we grossly identify as their tribe (see image below from the @startswithus Instagram account).  That is the lens that fear places before our eyes, so we may be alert to threats—to our safety, security, and identity, among other things.  We separate from and divide people into groups deemed ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’.  But this is an oversimplification that can lead to destructive patterns of perception and interaction. 

Fear is a vitally important emotion, necessary for safety and survival.  And we must manage it, for our own well-being and that of our social integrity.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, teaches simple and accessible (though not necessarily easy) skills to help us do just this.  The goal is not to discredit or eliminate our fear.  Rather, DBT skills help us gain and maintain perspective, so we may hold our fear more stably, then think more clearly and make decisions with balanced emotional and rational input, in accordance with our values, goals, and integrity.  The four pillars of DBT are Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Effectiveness (communication).  The method is founded on the concept of the Wise Mind: the effective integration and balance of the emotional and the rational.  I won’t describe the individual skills here, but I have studied them at length and recommend them to patients every week.  In essence they teach us to monitor our emotions, identify them, accept and validate them, and query their consequences.  We are challenged to be honest about what’s objectively true versus a story we make up.  In the case of fear, DBT skills help us make and maintain the distinction between real potential risk (even if high) and imagined foregone catastrophic inevitability.  The latter belief makes us act impulsively; holding the former reality helps us slow down, set strategy, and execute with intention.  Unbridled fear separates us; appropriately restrained fear helps us form coalitions and act more effectively. 

Fear well managed allows agency to emerge and effect positive change.

People fear on all sides of politics right now.  It’s not going away—I think ever.  And it’s natural.  We just don’t have to let it drive all our thoughts, words, and interactions.

In the coming days, I Hold Fear for Us this way: 

May we see one another as whole human beings, each and all with both unique and shared experiences, hopes, loves, and fears. 
May we recognize that all our fears are valid simply because all emotions are valid, regardless of their origin.  We feel how we feel and ignoring, dismissing, denying, or comparing one another’s fears gets us nowhere. 
May we sit and be with each other’s fears in empathy and compassion, and solidarity if we can muster it even (especially) if we do not share the same fears or even understand them.
May we vote according to not just our fears but our values, our goals, and our hopes.
May we meet one another with our fears leashed, and our love in front.
May we speak and act in ways that give nobody reason to fear us.

Deep breaths, friends.  We’ got this. Hang in there. I’m right there with you.

https://www.instagram.com/startswithus/?hl=en